Help and Healing for Divorced Christians
Recovering from Divorce?
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Recovering from Divorce?
Get Linda’s 12 Steps for a More Joyful Life after Divorce.
If you've been suffering from divorce shame, I pray these suggestions will lift your spirits, and that you'll be able to move beyond shame into the light. Blessings,  AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. Linda advocates for the healing of divorce Christians, She invites them to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation of divorced people and become a source of healing and grace. Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? Or encouraged? There are hurting people who would like to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com
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 When I married my current husband, our announcement carried the tag line, “Third time’s the charm.” Both of us had been married and divorced twice. Even though we were Christians, we were not ashamed to admit it. But that wasn’t true for me in the first month after divorcing my husband of twenty-five years. I’m writing this post for those of you who were left by a spouse, and for those of you who had a need to leave for your own well being and/or for the good of your children. Let's first look at reasons for divorce shame. Losing Your Title Why are many of us ashamed, when almost half of all marriages end in divorce? I believe one reason for women is they may identify strongly with being wives. I once met a woman who had written a divorce memoir entitled, Once a Wife. I couldn’t relate. To me, losing the title of wife paled in comparison with loss of love, companionship, security, and other marital benefits. Come to think of it, I don’t know of many divorced men who are ashamed because they no longer have the title of “husband.”(Let me know if I’m wrong here.) Anyone can get married. Any woman can find a way to become a wife. If losing the title of “wife” is your issue, be creative and give yourself one or two new, more positive titles to accurately describe who you really are … someone much more than a wife. Being Seen as a Failure How about divorce seen as a sign of failure? Now we’re getting somewhere. Divorce is often equated with failure, and we are taught we shouldn’t fail, particularly with our significant life choices. The Oxford dictionary defines failure as “the omission of expected or required action.” When we marry, we’re usually optimistic, “expecting” our marriage will last until the end of our lives. When it doesn’t, it’s easy to consider our marriage a failure. Removing our children from a toxic situation should not be cause for shame. When there are offspring involved, there’s also the failure of providing them with an “intact” family. However, you know in your heart of hearts that staying in a bad marriage for the sake of children is often not the best for them. Removing them from a toxic relationship should not be cause for shame. Since it takes two to make a marriage, it’s likely you’re not totally responsible for its ending. It does no good to beat yourself up for whatever you did or didn’t do. Learn from the past and strive to move forward. You are responsible for being the best you can be for your children’s sake. This includes keeping your relationship with your ex as civil and professional as possible. Remind yourself, a marriage which lasts forever, with one or both partners miserable, is not a successful one. One more thing … We often learn more from our failures than our triumphs. If you’re anything like me, deciding to divorce took a lot of courage. And, although your marriage ended, good things (like your kids!) probably occurred while married. You haven’t failed completely. Your marriage likely had worth, and you can be grateful for the good you experienced and brought to it. Rejection There’s often an element of rejection in divorce. The desire to divorce is usually not shared equally between partners, and rejection stings! Self-doubt creeps in, followed by shame. According to Patrick Wanis, Ph.D., “If a person cheats on his/her spouse, the perceived rejection and betrayal can trigger feelings of humiliation when others learn about the betrayal, or it can lead to shame if the person who is being rejected blames him or herself and concludes ‘there is something wrong with me.’” "Why Rejection Hurts So Deeply – Heartache, Humiliation & Shame" Mar 23, 2016. Believe him when he says, “It’s not you, it’s me." The key here is to believe it when he says, “It’s not you, it’s me.” As much as you’d like to continue to be his one and only, he’s changed. He’s no longer the man he used to be, and that’s not your fault. Divorce isn’t supported by your community of friends and family Friends, family, perhaps even our children, can attempt to shame us when we fail to make our marriage last. We may be told we shouldn’t leave because we’d be throwing away all the time and energy we’ve invested in our marriage, as if we could somehow bank on such an investment. Families may try shaming you for being the first to divorce, breaking their record of intact marriages and ruining their reputation in the community. If they truly loved you, they’d support you even though you broke their mold. Your family’s rejection can feel even worse than your spouse’s. Hang in there. When they eventually see how much happier you are forging a better life for you and your kids, they’ll likely come around. Besides, your happiness is the best revenge! Divorce isn’t supported by your faith community Being accused of turning your back on God and going against biblical principles when you choose to divorce can be devastating. I personally experienced this type of shame from my pre-divorce counselor, a pastor whose church I was interested in joining, and most upsetting of all, a conservative friend of my ex. This friend actually convinced me I should confess my sin to my ex, and ask forgiveness as well as reconciliation. Thanks to God, my ex rejected my request and I came to my senses. This mind set can cause years of toxic shame to victims who leave. There are personal accounts on my blog by women who describe the shaming and shunning they received by their churches for deciding to divorce their abusive husbands. One of my posts “Domestic Abuse: How Churches Can Help instead of Hurt” describes a common problem in cases of divorce among parishioners: “Church leaders may even urge the abused to forgive and reconcile with their abusers, emphasizing a theology of suffering, and using Scripture to elevate the sanctity of the marriage covenant over the safety of the abused.” This mind set can cause years of toxic shame to victims who leave. I'm sorry to end on such a negative note, but this post is too long all ready! Look for Part II, "What You Can Do About Divorce Shame." Blessings,  AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace. Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? Or encouraged? There are hurting people who would like to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com He did you a favor by leaving. Those words may sound harsh, even bitter.
between wishing he hadn’t left and being okay that he’s no longer your husband. How is that possible? Let me be clear, I’m not dismissing the loss of financial security you may have derived by staying in your marriage. He may have left you and your children destitute as well as reeling from the loss of love. Such treatment is horrible, and I’m so sorry. If you are both Christian, you may be sick at heart over his having left his faith too. But right now, let’s focus on you and ask the question: Is the type of man who would leave, the right man for you? None of us wants to feel rejected, even if the one who has rejected us isn’t good for us. In trying to undo the rejection, your ego may tell you to wish him back. Talk back to your ego! Tell it you need to get real and look at your situation differently so you can see the truth. Tell it you need to let go. Ask yourself why you’d want this man … this kind of man … still yoked to you. Were you physically and emotionally safe with him? Have you been truly happy in your marriage? Has he changed over the years? Do you love him or do you love the kind of person he once was or you wished he was? I ask these hard questions because for years I was the one who overlooked my husband’s hints he was not totally invested in our marriage. I dragged him to counseling several times without seeing permanent change. But I kept hoping he’d “see the light” and change as he promised. Your husband may have been more subtle, but I’m betting his decision to leave didn’t happen overnight, even if his sudden leaving took you by surprise. It's okay to express your anger. If you asked, my ex would tell you I was the one who left. In a legal sense, it’s true, but he’d abandoned me emotionally long before our divorce. (Look for my upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce if you want the details.) And when he quickly remarried, he left me heartbroken as well as angry … angry with myself for investing so much time trying to make things better as well as angry with him. And yet, I had a hard time letting go. You, too, may cycle through heartbreak and anger. A first step is to express your anger in healthy ways. Scream, pound your pillow, go to talk therapy … do whatever healthy things you can do to let it out and let it go. One thing that helped me was taking the shears to the overgrown rhododendron in my yard. “Take that!” Whack! Whack! “And that!” Whack! Whack! He is who he is. As the shock of my husband’s abandonment wore off, I began reading books, trying to make sense of what happened and working on forgiveness. Lewis B. Smedes stunned me with this observation: “[Forgiveness] cannot heal our narcissistic resentments toward people for not being all that we expect them to be — nobody can forgive people for being what they are.” (Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don’t Deserve, HarperOne, 2007) In other words, who are we to expect people to be any different than they truly are? Even God does not change a person’s will. My ex was who he was. He knew who I wanted him to be, and he chose not to be that kind of person. My ego was stubborn and I didn't find it easy to fully understand this truth. It took me a while after the divorce to not wake up from dreams begging him to come back, and to truly believe I was better off without him. Sad for me, but as I learned to accept my reality, the more peace I found. Can you accept he isn’t the kind of man who is good for you? If you had the chance to start over, knowing all you know about your ex now, would you choose to let him into your life? Can you accept he isn’t the kind of man who is good for you or will change for you? Learning to live on my own after twenty-five years of marriage challenged and strengthened me. It unleashed multiple blessings in my life. I felt surrounded by both earthly and heavenly love. I even found a new passion in ballroom dancing. Now that you’re free of your ex, you can open yourself up to more possibilities. His leaving has given you an opportunity to grow and learn and become emotionally stronger. Try this exercise. Imagine, as I did, a friend offering to set you up with someone like your ex. It might go something like what I imagined in my journal entry if you substitute his worst qualities: “I want to introduce you to someone I think you’re going to like. He’s a bit overweight, I hear he snores like crazy, spends all of his time at the computer, wants to be waited on, and is a picky eater, but he really is a nice guy. Maybe a little passive-aggressive too, but nice.” “You’ve got to be kidding!” I’d say “I deserve so much better!” I pray the Lord provides you with the resources you need to survive and flourish. I pray you wake up one day soon with a smile on your face, knowing you’re free of the hurt and anger of your divorce, knowing you deserve so much better, believing he did you a favor by leaving. Wishing you every happiness,  AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace. Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? Or encouraged? There are hurting people who would like to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com
I gasped. “What are you saying? I did the very best I could to keep our marriage together. In fact, I feel like a fool working so hard at it. It wasn’t until I discovered my husband’s affair that I finally gave up. I’m the victim here!” My counselor smiled indulgently. “I know, Linda, but that’s my point. You tried so hard and it didn’t work. As you just said, you ended up feeling like a fool. I suspect you’re not just carrying anger toward your ex, but toward yourself as well. Let’s explore that.” Through my counselor’s guidance, I discovered he was right about my displaced anger.
Forgiving myself for these false notions took some work. I’m happy to report the results.
The Bible tells us to put away all anger and bitterness. Freeing myself from self-recriminations has made a world of difference in being able to move forward and forge a new, happier life. If you’ve been carrying anger toward yourself, try making your own lists ... what things you're angry about, and how you choose to forgive yourself. I hope reading about my experience will help you move forward. Wishing you every happiness,  AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace. Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? Or encouraged? There are hurting people who would like to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com
Lizbeth has had extensive experience with this subject, being an abuse victim herself, and then working with the abused and their families. The following paragraphs are an excerpt from her video course, How to Help When Your Friend is Being Abused. I've reviewed this course and know it's applicable to helping a loved one or family member who is a victim of domestic abuse. Here's Lizbeth's advice: One of the most challenging roles is supporting a loved one who is being abused in an intimate relationship. Because too often, after your loved one discloses awful truths to you in confidence and commits to leaving the abuser, the tide changes. The abusive partner demonstrates remorse. Apologies are made. Flowers are sent. Behaviors temporarily improve. And just like that, your friend softens her story, maybe recants it, or breaks contact with you altogether. Until the next act of emotional, physical, or sexual violence occurs. Your phone rings ... again. I remember being that person, reaching out to a selective friend or two to unveil the horrors that had become my life. And then shrinking away when I decided to forgive and forget, and to maintain my marital vows. Two years after leaving my violent marriage, I became a domestic violence (DV) advocate, and witnessed first hand how stressful it was to friends and family to watch, powerless, as the person they cared about suffered.  While each abusive relationship is unique, it is typical for the process of leaving to take several attempts. “Leaving abuse isn’t a one-time event,” I used to say as a DV advocate. “It’s a process.” That process can take years to resolve. It’s for this reason that I created a Udemy course: How to Help When Your Friend is Being Abused (Udemy has the world’s largest selection of video courses taught by experts in their fields.) Designed for the empathetic friend, sister, or even supervisor of an abuse victim, the course is intended to be a tool to help stay safe and sane while making a positive difference in the life of the abused friend or relative. It’s okay to be unsure of how to support your loved one. It’s okay to get tired of hearing the same story, over and over. And it’s more than okay to learn to recognize the signs of when you need to set limits and perhaps even distance yourself from the situation. If you don’t take care of yourself, you may find yourself saying some things that aren’t okay. Like “I’m so sick of hearing this same story, over and over. Decide already!” or “What you need to do is ___” or, “I can’t believe you’d put it with that. I would never let someone treat me like that!”
Abuse in an intimate relationship flourishes when the victim remains isolated. Knowing what to say and where to refer can make a powerful difference in interrupting the cycle of violence.
Blessings,  Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed or helped by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com
Scene: Doctor's office shortly after my divorce I’m having problems with a deviated septum and see a doctor. In checking in, I notice the receptionist’s eyelashes look strange. As I’m speaking with the doctor in his office, I see photos of patients who’ve had eye lifts. Looking younger appeals to me for several reasons. I'm no spring chicken, and one eyelid droops a bit from the Bell’s palsy I’ve had. Looking a little younger appeals to me for several reasons. I ask him about the eye lifts, and he declares, “It’s like getting two for one. Your insurance covers the anesthesia for the septum, and while you’re under, I can do your eyes. You pay only one anesthesia cost.” I’m guessing my ex is feeling guilty for what he’s been up to, because he agrees to pay the extra cost of the eye lift without an argument. Because my eyes have to be bandaged for a couple of days, I stay at Mom and Dad’s. They’ve been worried for me, and I think their taking care of me is healing for all three of us. After the bandages come off, I look in the mirror and discover the eyelashes on my left eyelid are gone. “What happened to my eyelashes?” I ask the doctor on my follow-up visit. “I hoped you wouldn’t notice,” he says. “Your eyelid bled more than expected and I had to cauterize it, which burned off the lashes.” He points to his receptionist. “If they don’t come back, you can apply false ones like Carol’s.” Perfect! Blessings,  AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace. Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? Or encouraged? There are hurting people who would like to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com  “It was my own personal 9/11. A beautiful day, not a cloud in the sky, birds chirping, children playing—when out of nowhere disaster struck with six words uttered by my husband: “I think I’m going to leave.” So begins Sue Birdseye’s account of the beginning of the end of her marriage in her brave book, When Happily Ever After Shatters: Seeing God in the Midst of Divorce & Single Parenting. Following her husband’s devastating announcement, Sue fights to save their marriage of seventeen years. When she finally realizes her marriage is over, she is left to pick up the pieces for herself and their five children. My goal of this blog is to bring “Help and Healing to Divorced Christians.” That’s exactly the aim of this book, and why I want to |
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It wasn’t until I went to my fifth or sixth counselor that I learned my husband was a “crazymaker” and what that meant. In my upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce: A Transformative Journey Through Emotional and Spiritual Abuse, I include a scene with that counselor.
“Confusion and shame is exactly what crazymakers want their victims to feel. All these things you’ve told me about Jim—saying one thing and then later, the opposite without acknowledging the difference, his lack of empathy for your physical and emotional state, trying to make you seem the bad one in the relationship, encouraging you to doubt your feelings—they convince me he’s a crazymaker,” she told me.
My counselor warned me that crazymakers are not likely to change. I didn't have the tools to try to effect that change, and, after twenty-five years, I finally left. It wasn’t until I began writing the memoir that I understood the extent of my husband’s crazymaking. Here are eight of several types of crazymaking behavior.
Crazymakers will--
“Confusion and shame is exactly what crazymakers want their victims to feel. All these things you’ve told me about Jim—saying one thing and then later, the opposite without acknowledging the difference, his lack of empathy for your physical and emotional state, trying to make you seem the bad one in the relationship, encouraging you to doubt your feelings—they convince me he’s a crazymaker,” she told me.
My counselor warned me that crazymakers are not likely to change. I didn't have the tools to try to effect that change, and, after twenty-five years, I finally left. It wasn’t until I began writing the memoir that I understood the extent of my husband’s crazymaking. Here are eight of several types of crazymaking behavior.
Crazymakers will--
- try to convince their partners that they are defective in some way, making their partner more emotional, more needy or dependent.
- commit to doing something when they really don’t want to do it and then finding a way out at the last minute.
- force their partner to make an important decision, then blame their partner for any perceived negative outcomes as a result of that decision.
- “over-tease” their partners. If their partners object, they accuse the partner of being “too sensitive.”
- provoke their partner to anger, then accuse the partner of being an angry, difficult person.
- change their minds, but deny they have done so.
- pretend to be supportive, but then sabotage their partner.
- demonstrate little concern for the partner’s physical or emotional well-being.
These are but a few of the techniques crazymakers use to gain control over their close relations. Please note that my references here are all about men, but women can be crazymakers, too. If you suspect you are dealing with a crazymaker, I suggest you get counseling with a professional who understands this personality type.
As for my question, did my husband love me? You'll have to read the memoir when it comes out.
Blessings,
As for my question, did my husband love me? You'll have to read the memoir when it comes out.
Blessings,
Psychology Today’s article, “How to Handle a Crazymaker,” explains crazymaking and offers suggestions for dealing with this personality type. David Hawkins’ book, Dealing with the Crazymakers in Your Life, is also helpful.
Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com
Author
Linda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.
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12 Steps to a More Joyful Life after Divorce
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Forgiveness Self-Assessment
Resources for Healing from Spiritual Abuse
12 Steps to a More Joyful Life after Divorce
30 Things to Do When You're Single
Forgiveness Self-Assessment
Resources for Healing from Spiritual Abuse
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As long as you are hiding from your pain, you're hiding from helping other people.
Kari Oberbrunner - Author, speaker, coach.
Kari Oberbrunner - Author, speaker, coach.
If you're interested in sharing your story of divorce and the response of other Christians, email Linda at Linda@LindaMKurth.com for guidelines.
Linda's memoir in progressGod, the Devil and Divorce
A Transformative Journey Out of Emotional and Spiritual Abuse
A Transformative Journey Out of Emotional and Spiritual Abuse
My Perspective
What I believe God wants us to know about Christian divorce.
Recommended Reading
Instone-Brewer, David. Divorce and Remarriage in the Church: Biblical Solutions for Pastoral Realities, Downers Grove
Is Divorce the unforgivable sin? | Andrew Farley
Divorce and Remarriage | Andrew Farley
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