Help and Healing for Divorced Christians

Sometimes You Gotta Laugh at Yourself

10/30/2019

As I finalize the revision of my divorce and recovery memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, I come across scenes that cause me to laugh at myself. I'm sharing this one with you now to let you know my story isn't all gloom and doom. I hope this little scene will amuse you too.

Scene: Doctor's office shortly after my divorce

I’m having problems with a deviated septum and see a doctor. In checking in, I notice the receptionist’s eyelashes look strange. As I’m speaking with the doctor in his office, I see photos of patients who’ve had eye lifts.

Looking younger appeals to me for several reasons.

I'm no spring chicken, and one eyelid droops a bit from the Bell’s palsy I’ve had. Looking a little younger appeals to me for several reasons. I ask him about the eye lifts, and he declares, “It’s like getting two for one. Your insurance covers the anesthesia for the septum, and while you’re under, I can do your eyes. You pay only one anesthesia cost.”

I’m guessing my ex is feeling guilty for what he’s been up to, because he agrees to pay the extra cost of the eye lift without an argument.

Because my eyes have to be bandaged for a couple of days, I stay at Mom and Dad’s. They’ve been worried for me, and I think their taking care of me is healing for all three of us. After the bandages come off, I look in the mirror and discover the eyelashes on my left eyelid are gone.

“What happened to my eyelashes?” I ask the doctor on my follow-up visit.
“I hoped you wouldn’t notice,” he says. “Your eyelid bled more than expected and I had to cauterize it, which burned off the lashes.” He points to his receptionist. “If they don’t come back, you can apply false ones like Carol’s.”

Perfect!

Blessings,

Author

Linda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.

Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? Or encouraged? There are hurting people who would like to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com

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Divorce Recovery Book Review: When Happily Ever After Shatters

10/24/2019

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“It was my own personal 9/11. A beautiful day, not a cloud in the sky, birds chirping, children playing—when out of nowhere disaster struck with six words uttered by my husband: “I think I’m going to leave.”

So begins Sue Birdseye’s account of the beginning of the end of her marriage in her brave book, When Happily Ever After Shatters: Seeing God in the Midst of Divorce & Single Parenting. Following her husband’s devastating announcement, Sue fights to save their marriage of seventeen years. When she finally realizes her marriage is over, she is left to pick up the pieces for herself and their five children.

My goal of this blog is to bring “Help and Healing to Divorced Christians.” That’s exactly the aim of this book, and why I want to
bring it to your attention.

The author’s honesty and devotion to God shines through in the account of her struggles to move beyond the pain of her husband’s adultery and abandonment, using scripture as a source of encouragement to herself and her readers.
I was particularly impressed by Sue’s humble confessions of failing to live up to her own worldly standards, and reassured by accounts of God’s intervention when she was clearly incapable of coping on her own. She writes, “Practically speaking, God obviously wasn’t doing my dishes for me or dealing with my sticky counters, but His presence gave me strength to face each task, whether tedious or terrifying.”
The author offers practical steps and examples of how to survive throughout each phase of her journey, from the importance of wise counsel, nurturing and guiding children, to dealing with the ex and his new wife, “the adulteress.” She doesn’t shy away from describing the temptations she must deal with, the rage she sometimes feels at the unfairness of her circumstances, her struggles to achieve forgiveness, and the challenges of parenting.
Sue writes that it was difficult to ask her friends for help, but I would like to know if she asked her kids to step up a bit. She seems to have had a large circle of supportive friends, mostly through her church. I wonder if she would have had the same support if her situation involved emotional abuse instead of infidelity.
Although I did not have children at home during my divorce, I can relate to much of Sue’s experience.

I expect if you have recently been through divorce,
you'll find her book encouraging.

Like Sue, I discovered that, through the heartbreak of divorce, I grew closer to the Lord, and my trust in Him is now secure. I understand when she concludes, “I’m much better as a healed person than I ever was as someone who was simply well.”

Blessings,

Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed or helped by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines:
Linda@LindaMKurth.com

Author

Linda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced opposing responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issue. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.

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An Abusive Marriage that Almost Killed Me

10/2/2019

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An email I recently received:
Hi. My name is Sara. I'm in a lot of emotional and physical pain. My story is a warning—I don't want other women to go through the same kind of abuse I'm now struggling to put behind me.
My problems began over 22 years ago. The man I would marry was handsome, good with the children, and for the first six months, we were close friends. I was wary of the relationship becoming more serious because I'd been divorced and wanted to focus on raising my children and not to date. But he put pressure on me. He lied, telling me he had other women interested in him, and I needed to make up my mind. I became scared I’d lose him, and agreed to date.

There were signs of odd behavior.

Even in the beginning, there were signs of odd behavior, but I just overlooked them. I was still a broken person, as I know now. Two years after our relationship began, we were married.
Things immediately began to change. He wanted control over food—if I didn’t get every drop of food out of a can I’d opened, he’d yell at me. I’m on long-term disability, but I allowed him to control all of my money, even though he didn’t share any of his benefits with me. After fourteen years of marriage and all kinds of abuse, I filed for divorce.

There was a deposition, and afterwards I was shocked when he professed his love, and said he would always love me. I forgave him and took him back. At first, everything was great, and then the crazy began again, worse than before—gaslighting, ignoring, blaming, and even refusing to bathe!
In March of this year, my husband assaulted me which resulted in blood clots in my brain. Doctors tell me I have a brain aneurysm that makes it harder for me to think and write. I’m now on blood thinners, and there is nerve damage to my right eye. I can’t drive at night and I have problems with depth perception.

I'm Scared. I'm lonely.

I’m scared, I’m lonely. Some Christians believe I should just separate and not divorce. I do have some Christian friends who have witnessed my trials, and are supportive of me divorcing.
I will get through this. God loves me and I know he wants better for me. I hope any of you out there, if you are lonely and abused like me, will call a Domestic Violence hotline. This is a trickle-down problem for the next generation. I hope this helps someone. It was nice to let this pain out. Love and hope to both men and women reading this who have suffered from abuse.
Sara

Note from Linda: I just received another email from Sara. I'm very stressed as I just received late in the day documents from husbands attorney. With lots of lies.
"Sara" is not this woman's real name. Unless asked to do otherwise, I don't reveal the writer's name. I'm glad she is receiving support through the Violence Hotline and some Christian friends. I confess my frustration, and yes, anger, with those Christians who believe God wants victims of abuse to remain in their marriages. On the contrary, the Lord wants all people to be safe and loved. I'm praying Sara find that safe and loving place. I hope you're praying too.

Blessings,

Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed or helped by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines:
Linda@LindaMKurth.com

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Thanksmas - A Blended Family Holiday Tradition

10/1/2019

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It's October, and the holidays such as Thanksgiving and Christmas are on the horizon. If you are divorced and remarried and part of a blended family, you may be wondering how you will negotiate these or other holidays this year. Have the holidays found you in a tug-of-war with competing heads of other families for your adult children's attendance like my husband and I have?

In the beginning of our marriage, my husband Bill and I often found ourselves alone, and we didn't feel good about it. At the same time, we didn't want to force our kids forced to choose which family to visit. On occasion, we did get invited to attend an in-law celebration which we gratefully accepted, but we wished to entertain our kids and grandkids in our own home, creating our own traditions.

We finally came up with a solution.

We finally came up with a solution that has worked well for us. We've created "Thanksmas," a holiday between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Before Thanksgiving we group text the kids in order to set a date all can attend. Because they often have plenty of turkey and ham in other homes during the holidays, I usually make a different main dish such as pork roast. The kids bring side dishes.

I hope the grandchildren will remember these "favorite things" as part of "Grandma's house" long after I'm gone.

One of my traditional Christmas displays

I love to decorate for Christmas, and display many of the same decorations year after year. I always have everyone's favorite candy, cookies, and a big bowl of Japanese oranges waiting for them, especially for the grandchildren. I hope they'll remember these "favorite things" as part of "Grandma's house" long after I'm gone.

Last year, we decided to try a solution for Christmas Day.

However, this still left Bill and I with nothing planned for Christmas Day. Last year, we came up with a solution for that too. We decided to hold an open house and invite everybody we could think of! That's right ... everybody! It was a spectacular success. Seventeen people dropped in, some we hadn't known well. We loved the mix of church friends, workout people, neighbors, and singles who enjoyed getting acquainted with one another. Some brought food to share. Bill and I made too much, and were happy to send some home with our guests.

I won't lie, it was a lot of work, but it turned out to be completely heartwarming. Our guests have encouraged us to make this a tradition, and we look forward to it again this year.

You might say, Bill and I made lemonade out of lemons. If you and your spouse are feeling left out during the holidays, I encourage you to be creative and make new traditions that work for you and your family.

Blessings,

Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed or helped by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com

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Crazymaking: Does He Love Me?

9/25/2019

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I felt I was playing the children’s game of plucking daisy petals, asking, “Does he love me? Does he not?” Life with my husband was so confusing.

It wasn’t until I went to my fifth or sixth counselor that I learned my husband was a “crazymaker” and what that meant. In my upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce: A Transformative Journey Through Emotional and Spiritual Abuse, I include a scene with that counselor.
“Confusion and shame is exactly what crazymakers want their victims to feel. All these things you’ve told me about Jim—saying one thing and then later, the opposite without acknowledging the difference, his lack of empathy for your physical and emotional state, trying to make you seem the bad one in the relationship, encouraging you to doubt your feelings—they convince me he’s a crazymaker,” she told me.

My counselor warned me that crazymakers are not likely to change. I didn't have the tools to try to effect that change, and, after twenty-five years, I finally left. It wasn’t until I began writing the memoir that I understood the extent of my husband’s crazymaking. Here are eight of several types of crazymaking behavior.

Crazymakers will--

try to convince their partners that they are defective in some way, making their partner more emotional, more needy or dependent.
commit to doing something when they really don’t want to do it and then finding a way out at the last minute.
force their partner to make an important decision, then blame their partner for any perceived negative outcomes as a result of that decision.
“over-tease” their partners. If their partners object, they accuse the partner of being “too sensitive.”
provoke their partner to anger, then accuse the partner of being an angry, difficult person.
change their minds, but deny they have done so.
pretend to be supportive, but then sabotage their partner.
demonstrate little concern for the partner’s physical or emotional well-being.

These are but a few of the techniques crazymakers use to gain control over their close relations. Please note that my references here are all about men, but women can be crazymakers, too. If you suspect you are dealing with a crazymaker, I suggest you get counseling with a professional who understands this personality type.

As for my question, did my husband love me? You'll have to read the memoir when it comes out.

Blessings,

Psychology Today’s article, “How to Handle a Crazymaker,” explains crazymaking and offers suggestions for dealing with this personality type. David Hawkins’ book, Dealing with the Crazymakers in Your Life, is also helpful.

Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com

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Will Divorce Make You Happy?

9/11/2019

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I needed advice. My marriage of twenty-five years was in shambles. Years of counseling had not helped us fix our problems, so I made an appointment with the women’s pastor at my new church.

“Your decision to stay or go should be based on what God wants you to do or not do. You should be asking Him what He wants from you in your marriage. If you’re leaving to escape the pain, you’ll only find more pain.”

My heart sank. This woman was half right about my motivation for wanting to leave; I was seeking to relieve the pain. Happiness was too much to ask for. I also knew she was right that I should talk with God about what He wanted me to do. The problem was, I’d been seeking God’s guidance for several years, and still I had no clear answer.

I’d stumbled along, doing the best I knew how to make my marriage work. But, despite my efforts, it continued to get worse. Nevertheless, according to this woman, if I left, I would be facing more pain rather than the relief I was seeking.

How God Views Divorce
If we believe God causes all things to work together for good to those who love Him, to those who are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28), does that mean that God will work all difficult marriages for good? Always? Is this passage calling us to endure suffering in marriage for the sake of righteousness? And if we choose to divorce despite believing that, will we miss out on God’s working for our good? More than one Christian warned me that this would be my fate.

Since I’ve written other posts on this subject, I’ll sum up my understanding here. God calls some of us to stay in difficult marriages, and others He releases from those marriages. I believe He called me to remain in my marriage for as long as I did. During that time, He worked many things for my good. I also believe He released me when the time was right.

Want my 12 Steps for a more joyful life after divorce?
Get the link here.

What the Research Says
In reading research on this subject, I learned that the answer to the happiness question varies. A report by the Institute for American Values, “Does Divorce Make People Happier?” found that divorced people are no happier than unhappy couples who choose to stay married. Pepper Schwartz, author of the book Everything You Know about Love and Sex Is Wrong, says this is a flawed study because it included separated people who are most likely to be unhappy. She says data shows that divorced people become happier when the divorce is behind them.

A study by the University of Arizona and University of Colorado Boulder, rated types of marriages to determine if women were happier after divorce. Researchers found that women in troubled marriages were much happier after they divorced compared to women who remained married. “Those in the poorest quality relationships may face a variety of negative stressors from which divorce provides a clear relief,” the authors wrote.

In an online survey of 2,000 U.S. adults by Avvo, a legal research company, 75 percent of divorced women report having no regrets over the decision to divorce. Sixty-one percent of divorced men say the same. Results of other studies vary.

I believe many factors influence the level of happiness of a marriage. Factors may include physical and emotional abuse, age of children and one’s spouse’s influence on the children, finances, fidelity or lack thereof, clashing philosophies and religious beliefs, intimacy issues, different priorities and interests, and inability to resolve conflicts.

Issues influencing happiness after divorce include care of children, finances and other assets, support from family and friends, level of education, level of religious faith and support, relationship with the ex, and state of mind to name a few.

Feeling Happier Takes Time
Be in charge of your happiness, but be patient. Take time for mourning the loss of the hopes and dreams you had for your marriage. Ask the Lord to reveal to you your part in the relationships failure. Revisit why you chose your spouse is helpful. Trying to fill the void right away with someone else rarely ends well.

The period immediately after my own divorce was painful. Learning to live on my own after twenty-five years was a huge adjustment. Then, discovering that my husband had remarried within a short time of the divorce, as if our marriage had meant nothing to him, sent me into a tailspin. But I learned to lean on the Lord, and I made the choice to be happy.

My divorce did not result in missing out on God’s blessings; He has blessed me abundantly. Leaving was the hardest decision I’ve ever made, but I’m so glad I made that choice.

For more ways to experience happiness after divorce, check out my 12 Steps for a More Joyful Life after Divorce. Click here.

Blessings,

Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com

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Letting Go Turns to Gain: A Piece of My Story

9/1/2019

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Most of us who have been through a divorce have experienced loss. My upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, begins as I say goodbye to the beautiful home my husband and I built. From almost every window of that house could be seen a dozen snow-cap mountains. But even more heartbreaking to leave than the view was the little play room under the stairs we called the Elfery. I'd spent many an hour making it special. Friends, young and old, came to love it as I did. I would be leaving those friends too.

Elfery Courtyard w/ hand painted ivy and welcome mat

We moved because of my husband's work, but I suspected the end of my marriage would soon follow.
The couple who bought the house said they'd use the Elfery for their two big dogs. I tried not to think of the results. In fact I tried not to look back at all.
In leaving, I had to part with many things, but I took the Elfery furnishings with me, including the fake logs in the fireplace, hoping someday I might have another Elfery.

As much as I hated to leave my house, and eventually my husband, I knew I had to let go. Only then would I have room for good things to follow. I now have a loving husband, a house I love (it's perfect for us), and a little "Elfery niche" for our young grand-daughter (and me, of course). But there's no fireplace for those logs.

Although I'd left the house behind and moved on, I hadn't realized I still had a bit of unfinished business concerning it. I happened to be visiting the area while on vacation last month. "Might as well see how my house is doing," I said to myself. That's when a sort of miracle occurred.

As luck (?) would have it, the owner of the house caught me looking at her house and invited me in. She took me through the downstairs, showing me the beautiful changes made by her and previous owners. She was very interested in learning some of the history of the place, and I filled her in. With my heart beating, I finally asked, "Does there happen to be a little play space under the stairs?

"Oh, yes!" she replied. "Do you want to see it?" Of course I did! To my relief, there was no evidence of big dogs having ruined the space. The wallpaper, shelving, and fireplace were all in good shape, and the little room was filed with a play kitchen and other toys.

Just as I was exiting, a little boy ran down the hall, hugged his grandma, and dove into the Elfery. A little older girl followed. "They love this place!" my host told me. "Now we have a face to go with the creative force behind it."

When I returned home from vacation, I boxed up the logs and sent them back to the Elfery, thanking the woman for the tour. Today, I received this email message:
Thank you so much for the fireplace logs for the Elfery! They are in place and add such a wonderful glow to the space. We were calling it The Hobbit Room and are happy to know it’s real name. It will be the Elfery from now on. We all love it and are grateful for it’s creation.

To know my home and the Elfery are loved and well-taken care of warms my heart more than I can explain. Often times, letting go of things we've loved, blesses others, and those blessings come back to us two-fold as they have for me.

Blessings,

Author

Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? Or encouraged? There are hurting people who would like to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com

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Lessons from Home and Family

8/20/2019

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My summer vacation turned out to be more meaningful than I expected.

Feeling the need to connect in real-time with my brother, sister-in-law, and cousins, I planned a trip to my home state of Oregon with my hubby. I expected laughter, hugs, and catching up. I also thought we might do a little genealogical sleuthing.

Between admiring my brother’s new home in Central Oregon, taking a couple of hikes, sharing meals, and catching up with the news of each other’s kids, we reminisced about our childhood.

My brother and I had good parents who loved us deeply, and we’d returned that love. However, all was not harmonious between me and my dad. I had an independent spirit, and often bristled when Dad tried to tell me how I should do things. “I can do it myself!” was my ready retort. I intuitively felt his “helping” meant I wasn’t capable, but I didn't have the language to understand or articulate the problem.

Dad had difficulty dealing with my attitude.

Dad had difficulty dealing with my attitude. My brother didn’t seem to have the same issue as I, and I saw that as a sign I was deficient. I was surprised when my brother brought up the subject of Dad’s “helpfulness” during my visit. “Dad got under my skin too,” he told me. He described a particular time he’d rather heatedly asked our father to back off with his advice. Dad’s feelings were hurt because he genuinely believed he’d been helping.

I’m giving my younger self a hug and a “you-go-girl” for my desire to learn and grow in my own way.

Learning, after all these years, I was not alone in my “sensitivity” to Dad’s suggestions, was an eye-opener. I see now I’ve always had an innate sense of independence that might have served me better if I’d been taught to understand and use it effectively. Thanks to this new perspective, I’m giving my younger self a hug and a “you-go-girl” for my desire to learn and grow in my own way.

The genealogical sleuthing paid off.

The genealogical sleuthing paid off too. My cousins and I were able to find and drive through the parcel where our Oregon Trail ancestors had settled. Learning about the people I’ve come from gives me a solid feeling of belonging.

There’s more to tell, but I think I’ll stop here. I want to get back to finishing up the memoir and getting it published.

By the way, I’ll soon be publishing the revised version of my romance, Home of the Heart. Finding the home of one’s heart is pretty much the theme of everything I write. I suspect that’s what most of us long for. I hope you’ve found yours.

Blessings,

Author

Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? Or encouraged? There are hurting people who would like to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com

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Divorce Fear - Ten Tools for Overcoming

8/6/2019

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“I was married for 25 years. I'm 53 now, and so scared that I won't get married again, but that is the desire of my heart and I just keep praying.”
This comment on one of my blog posts touched my heart. Being scared, anxious, afraid — these are typical emotions associated with divorce. But as Christians we are encouraged not to be afraid. There are up to 40 passages in the bible that seek to assure us we need not fear. And yet we do. Cue the guilt added to how we’re already feeling.

I understand divorce fear.

My divorce fear began when I seriously considered leaving my husband of twenty-five years. My writing business was not profitable and I had no good job prospects. I worried about the amount of spousal support I might get. Our child was grown, but, of course, our divorce would still have an impact on him. Would I, over age fifty, ever find love again? I worried that maybe I hadn’t tried hard enough to make our marriage work, and I wondered if the Lord wanted me to try some more. One of my Christian counselors was so appalled I would consider divorce, she refused to talk with me about it!

I dragged my feet until my fear of leaping into the unknown became worse than staying. Little did I know my fears would be magnified when I finally left, with nightmares, two panic attacks, and a hallucination. I write about these fears in my up-coming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce.

One of the Beta readers of the memoir, a non-Christians commented, “I thought a strong Christian faith is supposed to bring peace and tranquility.”

Ouch! How do I answer that? I’d say God doesn’t snap His fingers and all is rainbows and bunnies. We're students at His feet, growing in knowledge of Him. And often we are not ready to learn until we go through hard times and realize we can’t rely on ourselves alone.

That was me. Thankfully, God was patient, encouraging me to learn to trust Him and His provision. Learning to let go of my fear was a process, not an overnight-transformation. There were days I had to make the effort to lay aside my fears on an hourly basis.

The Lord wants our participation in the healing. We are to listen to Him so He can direct our paths. I asked God for guidance, and received help along my road to recovery, taking advantage of several tools for healing that were available to me. As I did the best I could, God came through for me in miraculous ways.

Like the woman who wrote on my blog, I hoped to marry again someday. I was able to put aside my fears of being alone, and told the Lord I would wait for the man of His choosing. I was fifty-eight when I met the love of my life. From our conversations, it was clear God had a hand in our finding each other. I pray the woman who wrote me will wait upon the Lord, trusting she will find the love she is seeking at the perfect time in her life.

I want you to know that, even though you will probably experience some level of fear, with the Lord’s help, you can get through it. Click here for 10 tools that will help you as you seek to overcome divorce fear.

Blessings,

Author

Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? Or encouraged? There are hurting people who would like to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com

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Creating and Taming Fear Dragons

7/17/2019

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I'm pleased to introduce Marlene Anderson, an inspirational and motivational speaker, author and life coach as my guest blogger. More about Marlene and her books at the end of this article.

“God does not give us a spirit of fear but a spirit of power and love and a sound mind.”
—2 Timothy 1:7

What scares you the most on a day-to-day basis? Are you concerned about your job, or your kids or testing positive for cancer? Fears are normal and natural. They help us plan and think and prepare. But they can also become deep-seated anxieties that monopolize our thinking to the exclusion of problem solving.

Fears, like anger, can become excessive. They can appear like huge dragons or monsters threatening everything we do to the point where we no longer see options or opportunities.

The excessive fears we create in our mind seem just as real as any physical danger we might encounter. In fact, they are probably more resistant and difficult to deal with because once created, we go to great lengths to prove to ourselves and others that they are real. When we do, we set ourselves up for a self-fulfilling prophecy.

There are valid reasons for paying attention to fear.

Fears are a survival mechanism that tells us to stop, be careful and proceed with caution. However, if our focus remains on the feelings only without searching for solutions to problems they may be pointing to, it creates a sense of helplessness and we stop looking for answers.

Fear of failure reveals our insecurities. Face them and we grow from them. Each of us has strengths and weaknesses. Don’t allow this fear to take over your life. Use it instead to find authentic ways to grow in confidence and become genuine.

Fear can drive us to God. It is where I draw my strength and hope for the future every day. Understanding that we have a loving Almighty God who cares about us, guides and strengthens us, is both humbling and empowering. Don’t leave home without Him.

Fear can isolate us. We need the support of others. If we constantly fear rejection or humiliation, we will miss out on the wonderful relationships we can have. Fear challenges us to get out of our comfort zone. For example, public speaking is a challenge for most of us and is often avoided. While being pleased at being asked to speak, fear of failure can take over. You can overcome much of your apprehension by looking for opportunities to speak in small comfortable gatherings of friends you trust and with whom you share common interests. The more you do, the more confident you will become.

“What am I really afraid of?”

Fear begs the question, “What am I really afraid of?” Listen to those inner thoughts. What are they are saying to you? Healthy fear tells you to pay attention to what is happening. Excessive and unhealthy fear tells you nothing will ever be okay.

Face your fear -- step out of your comfort zone.

Face your fear. Sit down and have a conversation with it. Everybody has fears - some rational, and some irrational. Just as fears protect us, they can also help us grow.
Speak to yourself from a position of strength. You have a multitude of talents and abilities. Accept your weaknesses along with your strengths. Take that risk and step out of your comfort zone.

Guest Post Author

Marlene Anderson is an inspirational and motivational speaker, author and life coach. She is the author of A Love So Great, A Grief so Deep and contributing author to It’s A God Thing and Heaven Reaching Earth, available on Amazon. You can listen to her podcasts and read her weekly blogs at her website, www.focuswithmarlene.com. She can be contacted at focuswithmarlene@gmail.com

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