WHAT’S THE INVISIBLE HAND HOLDING YOU BACK FROM CREATING A NEW, PURPOSEFUL LIFE AFTER DIVORCE?11/22/2022
Gail has been divorced for several years. She’s recovered and healed enough so that she is ready to take the next step to create a new, purposeful life for the future. The bold move for her is to begin taking steps to make it a reality. She hopes to start her own business and attract a healthy, romantic relationship. Gail creates a goal plan and feels the time is “NOW”. Why Doesn’t Gail Move Forward? As she takes the leap and goes for one of her dreams; suddenly, she can’t move forward. It’s as though an invisible hand holds her back. She feels stuck. There’s an inner struggle. As she strives to go after what she wants, an overwhelming feeling of dread and extreme discomfort settles in her stomach. All she wants to do is get rid of that feeling. The feeling is so unpleasant and unnerving, it paralyzes her. As a result, it stops Gail in her tracks. Consequently, she stays where she is. Allowing the negative self-talk that comes up in her mind, it reminds her of all the reasons why SHE CAN’T instead of why she can. As a result, where she in her present life feels secure. Instead of breaking out of her old life, she does nothing and goes nowhere. She makes excuses in her mind to convince herself that it is all right to stay where she is now. Settling is not success, is it? What Is A Paradigm? Some experience an uncomfortable feeling that paralyzes them from rebuilding their lives. The feeling is called a paradigm. A paradigm is a habit, pattern, or belief system that is deeply embedded in the subconscious mind. When Gail thinks of doing something different and out of her comfort zone, her paradigm holds her back. Unless she can push past it so that she can begin to create a new life after divorce, the paradigm will keep her right where she no longer wants to be. Where Does A Paradigm Come From? Up until the age of seven, some researchers say even earlier, the conscious mind is not fully developed yet. At that early age, we experience limited experiences and perceptions. As a result, we’re not sophisticated enough to take the data we have and make informed, conscious decisions. During those early years, our minds are like a sponge that takes everything in which goes right into our subconscious mind. Therefore, our environment, experiences, and genetics give us our belief system; and thus, our habits and behaviors give us the results we are NOW getting in our lives. Where Are These Paradigms? Paradigms can cause limiting beliefs and mental blocks preventing us from achieving our goals. Because they are in the subconscious mind, oftentimes we don’t even know they exist until we ask the hard questions to discover them. Here is an example: Jane is over 50 and recently divorced. She works her way up to a top position in the company she presently works for. Secretly, she wants to start her own company. Jane is smart, fair, and is well-liked. Deep down, she feels that she could really be a huge success on her own. She can see it in her mind. She can see herself building her own company. Somehow, though, she just can’t get herself to go for it. What Does Jane Discover? Jane needs to discover the paradigm that is holding her back and replace it with a new one so she can move forward. Here’s an exercise I suggested Jane complete to discover the paradigm that is holding her back from achieving her goal. First, Jane writes down all the positive reasons she can think of as to why she should start her own company. Next, she writes all negative feelings/thoughts that come to mind when she thinks of going for this life-changing goal. The negative associations, particularly the strongest one, will reveal what her paradigm is; that is, what is holding her back. In her case, it was the FEAR OF FAILURE. (It is not necessary to go digging in the past and analyze why there is a fear of failure.) All she needs to know is that there is that fear. What Can She Do? Once she knows the paradigm, Jane can begin to do the work to change it so that she can move forward. How does she change the paradigm? The same way it got there in the first place. It is THROUGH REPETITION. If you think about it, how is the fear of failure a problem if it’s not experienced over and over again? It has become part of her belief system. There are several ways to change paradigms. The most commonly used one is to change the negative thought pattern. Replace it with a new, positive one. Through repetition, the neural pathways to the subconscious mind will eventually push out the old paradigm and replace with the new one. How Does She Do It? It’s simple but takes desire and discipline. Jane changes the way she thinks about starting a new business:
Why Is Repetition The Key To Changing Her Paradigm? For Jane, the old fear of failure is firmly established. As she repeats the positive self-talk over and over; eventually through repetition, the new thoughts are passed on to the subconscious mind and become a part of her belief system. She begins to believe in them. As she slowly changes her mindset, she begins to believe in the words that she repeats over and over. With repetition and her belief, she begins to become aware of ways to overcome her FEAR OF FAILURE. What Triggers The Paradigm? Jane is able to discover when the old paradigm surfaces. She becomes aware of how she feels inside. The feeling inside is the “trigger”. If she starts to feel anxious or fearful, it is the internal signal (trigger) that she needs to push the old paradigm aside. Then, she repeats the new one over and over again. For example, “I am so happy and grateful now that I am confident to start my new business. I will be successful and know I can make this happen”. Eventually, Jane accepts the new statements as her truth. It becomes part of her belief system. Belief is more than half the battle. We can achieve any goal we desire. Once we discover what holds us back, the anxiety, fear, and uncomfortable feeling will be replaced with confidence and a driving force that comes from the power within. As a result, we will have access to a belief system that enables us to go over, under, or through any obstacle getting in the way. Why? Basically because we believe we can. It is really that simple. All it takes is a fresh perspective, a strong desire, discipline, and persistence. As a result, we’re not sophisticated enough to take the data we have and make informed, conscious decisions. During those early years, our minds are like a sponge that takes everything in which goes right into our subconscious mind. Therefore, our environment, experiences, and genetics give us our belief system; and thus, our habits and behaviors give us the results we are NOW getting in our lives. Where Are These Paradigms? Paradigms can cause limiting beliefs and mental blocks preventing us from achieving our goals. Because they are in the subconscious mind, oftentimes we don’t even know they exist until we ask the hard questions to discover them. Here is an example: Jane is over 50 and recently divorced. She works her way up to a top position in the company she presently works for. Secretly, she wants to start her own company. Jane is smart, fair, and is well-liked. Deep down, she feels that she could really be a huge success on her own. She can see it in her mind. She can see herself building her own company. Somehow, though, she just can’t get herself to go for it. What Does Jane Discover? Jane needs to discover the paradigm that is holding her back and replace it with a new one so she can move forward. Here’s an exercise I suggested Jane complete to discover the paradigm that is holding her back from achieving her goal. First, Jane writes down all the positive reasons she can think of as to why she should start her own company. Next, she writes all negative feelings/thoughts that come to mind when she thinks of going for this life-changing goal. The negative associations, particularly the strongest one, will reveal what her paradigm is; that is, what is holding her back. In her case, it was the FEAR OF FAILURE. (It is not necessary to go digging in the past and analyze why there is a fear of failure.) All she needs to know is that there is that fear. What Can She Do? Once she knows the paradigm, Jane can begin to do the work to change it so that she can move forward. How does she change the paradigm? The same way it got there in the first place. It is THROUGH REPETITION. If you think about it, how is the fear of failure a problem if it’s not experienced over and over again? It has become part of her belief system. There are several ways to change paradigms. The most commonly used one is to change the negative thought pattern. Replace it with a new, positive one. Through repetition, the neural pathways to the subconscious mind will eventually push out the old paradigm and replace with the new one. How Does She Do It? It’s simple but takes desire and discipline. Jane changes the way she thinks about starting a new business:
She can change her thoughts in an instant. The trick is to be aware of when they come into her mind. Why Is Repetition The Key To Changing Her Paradigm? For Jane, the old fear of failure is firmly established. As she repeats the positive self-talk over and over; eventually through repetition, the new thoughts are passed on to the subconscious mind and become a part of her belief system. She begins to believe in them. As she slowly changes her mindset, she begins to believe in the words that she repeats over and over. With repetition and her belief, she begins to become aware of ways to overcome her FEAR OF FAILURE. What Triggers The Paradigm? Jane is able to discover when the old paradigm surfaces. She becomes aware of how she feels inside. The feeling inside is the “trigger”. If she starts to feel anxious or fearful, it is the internal signal (trigger) that she needs to push the old paradigm aside. Then, she repeats the new one over and over again. For example, “I am so happy and grateful now that I am confident to start my new business. I will be successful and know I can make this happen”. Eventually, Jane accepts the new statements as her truth. It becomes part of her belief system. Belief is more than half the battle. We can achieve any goal we desire. Once we discover what holds us back, the anxiety, fear, and uncomfortable feeling will be replaced with confidence and a driving force that comes from the power within. As a result, we will have access to a belief system that enables us to go over, under, or through any obstacle getting in the way. Why? Basically because we believe we can. It is really that simple. All it takes is a fresh perspective, a strong desire, discipline, and persistence. Knowing what holds you back, you are halfway there. AuthorDonna has a Masters in Human Development, Counseling, and Family Studies. She is a retired educator and counselor who is now a certified life coach. It’s her passion to help women to embrace a new beginning creating a new life, purposeful life after divorce. Rise Up After Divorce – Recover, Reconnect, Reinvent is her five step results-driven process taking women from the transition after divorce to their personal transformation. Donna's website is https://www.livingabovetheordinary.com Linda's note: Thank you Donna, for giving hope and tools to those who are experiencing the challenges of life after divorce. Blessings, 
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Making a list is one of the main things I did in my search for love. And I’m here to tell you the results. But before I elaborate, let me back up. I'd gone through a devastating divorce after twenty-five years of marriage. Some people, after a similar experience, vow to never marry again. Others want to immediately fill the void, jumping into another relationship with someone they barely know. Not my first rodeo Fortunately, or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it, I had been divorced by my first husband in my mid-twenties and learned some important lessons. After my second divorce, I decided to refrain from dating for a year and to focus on my personal growth. In that year I became better acquainted with myself and what was important to me. Having read the book, *“Finding the Love of Your Life,” by Neil Clark Warren, founder of eHarmony, I determined to remain celibate until marriage. That meant, of course, I might never again has a sexual relationship. Why was remaining celibate important? Warren explains it this way: “Sexual intercourse before marriage is a clear act of commitment! Once you have become sexually involved with a potential mate, your ability to think clearly and objectively becomes impossible.” I had a talk with God, telling Him my heart’s desire was to have a loving husband someday. I trusted that He would bring the right man for me if that was His will. “No substitutes,” I said. “Only someone who is ready and right for me.” Then I made a list … a long list … of the kind of man whom I could love and with whom I could happily live. My list What I Want in a Husband 1. He is spiritually grounded. He is an integral part of his church. He has an active prayer life. He studies the Bible and trusts God as a wise and loving Father. 2. He is willing to stay celibate until marriage. 3. He believes in mutual submission of marriage partners; we honor each other. 4. He listens and hears me. He is interested in what I say. 5. He enjoys play. We take turns initiating fun activities to do together. 6. He is self-confident. He knows his strengths and weaknesses and continues to grow in wisdom. 7. He accepts other people for who they are but is not afraid to express his wants and needs when appropriate. 8. He is financially stable. He is wise in spending his resources. 9. He is engaged in his professional work, but it does not rule him. 10. He is a good communicator. He lets me know in non-blaming ways how my actions affect him. He shares his dreams and fears with me. The results Does that cover everything that’s important? No! The list grew to thirty attributes! So, what were the results? Three years after my divorce, I met the love of my life while ballroom dancing. My husband fits all but one of those thirty attributes. Thankfully, it was not the most important one. We’ve both adapted and have had a wonderful marriage for almost twenty years. I shared the memoir with my pastor who had gone through a divorce. Later, when he had remarried, he shared that he, too, had made a list and how well it had worked for him. Five Major Moves If you’re looking for lasting love, my advice is to first take time to find yourself. Consider the wisdom of remaining celibate. Make a list of what kind of person is right for you. Be patient. Continue to trust that the Lord will bring the right person to you. Blessings,  Note: You can read the rest of the list in my memoir, “God, the Devil, and Divorce,” Chapter Four “Dating.”
*Neil Clark Warren, Finding the Love of Your Life: Ten Principles for Choosing the Right Marriage Partner. 1998
Do you wonder what's off in your marriage like I did? It took me years and several counselors before I received help figuring it out. Read the free prologue here to recognize one of the tactics that can undermine a marriage. God, the Devil, and Divorce Prologue The most confused you will ever get is when you try to convince your heart and spirit of something your mind knows is a lie. –Shannon L. Alder Approaching the church located in a small business park, I wonder how this latest counseling could possibly be of help. When my husband suggested I see Pastor Susan, I suspected he hoped she’d straighten me out. In the last fifteen or so years of our twenty-four-year marriage I’ve been to Gestalt therapy, couples counseling, family counseling, individual counseling, a women’s support group, yoga therapy, tried valium and other antidepressants, and even talked with my gynecologist. What more is there to learn? And from a conservative pastor? Still, a woman pastor in a conservative church is a bit unusual … Susan ushers me into her office and beckons me to a comfortable chair. I settle in, studying her attractive yet simple style, weighing the timbre of her voice, and noticing the smile wrinkles around her eyes. Feeling an immediate connection, I sigh in relief and pour out the frustrations that have been building in me over the last several years. “I don’t know how to be with Jim anymore,” I begin. “I don’t know if he dislikes me or is just too distracted to think of me. Whatever it is, I feel disregarded and disrespected, and I’m hurt and angry.” Susan listens to my story, nodding her head encouragingly. When I finish, she hands me a tissue. I hear compassion in her voice as she asks a few questions, jotting down my answers in her notebook. "Has Jim ever hit you?"she asks. AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.
My husband and I gave a recently wed couple a “try-out” to do some work for us. We had seen them individually in the community but knew little about them. They proved to be knowledgeable and hard workers, so we hired them. Soon after, I began receiving text messages from her. (I have edited these so as not to reveal their identities.)
I've purposely not included my responses to her texts, as I want to give you an opportunity to think about what's happening here. Your first thought might be that we should fire them, and it very well may come to that. But, since I began this blog, I’ve been on the alert for signs of abuse. This woman seems like an educated, competent person, and I felt dismayed she would allow him to take away her phone. I remembered a session with my now-ex when our counselor told him, “You’re a twelve-year-old boy and you need to grow up!” After having read many books and articles on domestic abuse, and receiving many accounts from abused women, my Spidey-sense told me that her husband taking her phone away was a bad sign. I wondered what other people might think about this behavior I wondered what other people might think about this behavior, so I googled “husband takes wife’s phone away.” The first source that popped up was quora.com with my very question: “Is it okay for your husband to take your cellphone away for a ...” Here are some comments. (I’ve edited them for brevity):
My own response My own response was to text her back saying his taking her phone was not good and she shouldn’t allow it. I didn’t tell her, but I wonder if he is trying to sabotage their fledgling business in which she seems to be the driving force. When she wrote that she might have to leave, I asked her if she had someplace to go. She replied that she did. That was a relief, but when I received that last text, my heart sank. “Here it begins,” I said to myself. I see this woman as a good Christian who wants to be loving, understanding, and forgiving. Unfortunately, I’m betting his bad behavior will be repeated over and over again if she allows it, with abject apologies following each time. So many of us women want to believe our contrite husbands. We can’t believe they really are the kind of persons they are showing themselves to be. I googled “he says he's sorry but keeps doing it” and quora.com popped up again. “How do you deal with a person who says they are sorry but keeps repeating the same things?” Here are some opinions:
What's next? I agree with what these folks said. If I get the chance, I’ll tell her how concerned I am for her. When he takes her phone away, it’s not a cute or protective gesture. I’ll tell her that no matter how much she might love her husband, she is not powerful enough to fix his bad behavior (something I learned the hard way in my own failed marriage). I’ll encourage her to read “Boundaries in Marriage” by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. And I’ll tell her to sure, go ahead and find some counseling, but understand there’s no shame in leaving to protect herself from much heartache down the road.
World-famous Christian leader Franklin Graham made headlines recently ... not for rescuing souls ... but for pressuring a woman to reconcile with her abusive husband. (Read the article here) Graham pressured the wife to be quiet about the abuse and to return to her husband and his continual abuse. In the article, Abedini, the pastor husband who had been judged as “a habitual perpetrator of domestic violence,” made his beliefs very clear: “The Bible says, the man is the head of family. I am not the woman in the family.” His attitude seemed to be just fine with Graham. Franklin Graham is far from alone in his view of marriage and how men and women should relate to one another. When I struggled with the decision to divorce my emotionally abusive husband of twenty-five years, my Christian counselor declared that “Satan will win,” if I should choose to divorce. I went to the Lord in great distress, and in His mercy, I felt His permission to leave. When I did leave, I received condemnation from certain conservative Christians. (I’ve detailed those moments in my memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce.) I receive letters from other Christian women detailing their struggles to leave their abusive Christian husbands. They tell of the backlash they received from their Christian community when they finally did leave. The Bible as a Weapon
To break it down to the most basic level, it’s about men’s fear of losing that power. I’m not referring to all men, of course. In fact, I believe that these days, those kind of men are a minority. But they are certainly more vocal and their actions more visible and devastating than those who believe and work for a just, egalitarian society. An article in Psychology Today asks, Do White Males Feel They Are Losing Their "Space?" “Ever since the founding of the nation, white men--especially straight white Christian men--have been in charge. They have been our presidents, our captains of industry, our generals, our Wall Street titans, and they held all the power. They were the ones in ‘The room where it happens,’ as the Hamilton lyric observes.” The article continues, “The Southern Poverty Law Center writes, ‘The so-called manosphere is peopled with hundreds of websites, blogs and forums dedicated to savaging feminists in particular and women, very typically American women, in general. Although some of the sites make an attempt at civility and try to back their arguments with facts, they are almost all thick with misogynistic attacks that can be astounding for the guttural hatred they express.’” Sadly, many of these men identify themselves as far-right Christians. Questions about Conservative Churches You may wonder, as I have, if this means that women married to conservative Christian men are more likely to be abused. An article published in Christianity Today: “Evangelicals and Domestic Violence: Are Christian Men More Abusive? A sociologist looks at the data on domestic abuse against women.” The author states, “My research suggests that wives married to churchgoing evangelical men are comparatively safe.” Did you catch that word, "comparatively"? Somehow that does not give me much assurance. I'd like to see more studies on this issue. The author notes that there are concerns. The article concludes with these words: “This silence [in churches] around domestic violence has to end.” All this means that Christians who understand what the bible really says about men and women, must expose those who would strive to hold women down as second-class citizens. We must familiarize ourselves with contemporary bible scholarship regarding the role of women and their worth in God’s eyes. We must expose people like Page Patterson (see this post) and Franklin Graham as well as leaders in our own churches who regard women as less-than. I will continue to do that in my blog posts as well as advocate for women in leadership in my own church. I hope you’ll you will also act where and when you see opportunities. Blessings,  Notes:
AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.
My husband couldn’t seem to get what I wanted and needed from him. I share this now, not because I’m holding a grudge (that has long past), but to illustrate the manifestation of passive aggressive behavior. If you are confused, hurt, and maybe angry in your marriage as I was, but can’t explain why, my experience may open your eyes to the underlying problem. At the beginning of our marriage my husband had anticipated my basic wants and needs, and I believed I was being reasonable in thinking he would continue behaving this way. Over time, those behaviors that helped us stay connected began to fall away, so I little by little, I began sharing with him about what I felt was missing.
I looked back and saw a pattern After my marriage ended, I looked back and saw a pattern I’d not allowed my self to see before. Here were his responses:
All this left me confused and hurt All this left me confused and hurt, and I experienced an underlying feeling of anger that I couldn’t explain or resolve. In my memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, I describe a couple of scenes with our last counselor that finally opened my eyes to the dynamics of our marriage: Scene 1- my speaking without Jim present: “I’ve tried to change in various ways to get along with him. I tried being extra attentive. I tried emotional separation. At one point I attempted to get his attention by refusing to make love with him, trying to get him to understand the brokenness of our marriage. That strategy didn’t work, and I discontinued it, but these days I’m just going through the motions.” Scene 2 - with both of us present: Norma asks me “What’s missing,” I answer, “I know I’m going to sound like a broken record, but I’d love for Jim to help me with the dishes. It doesn’t have to be every day if he has a deadline or something, but I’d like it to be on a regular basis. I used to ask him, but I’ve given up because he’s always too busy.” Jim snaps erect in his chair, his face growing red. “That’s it?” he fumes. “You’re mad because you wanted me to do the dishes? You’ve had this secret expectation of me all this time?” I cross my arms and hold myself tight. It’s all I can do to keep from slapping him. Passive Aggression Defined Perhaps you're missing the intimacy you first had in your marriage, and maybe some of my experience resonates with you. I learned that this type of behavior can be described as "Passive-Aggresive." Gauri Ratnamin describes this personality trait in in her article Signs of a Passive Aggressive Husband and Tips to Deal with Him “People who are passive-aggressive show their aggression indirectly, rather than being too explicit or direct about it. These people are the ones who show a certain kind of resistance towards the demands or requests of family members or friends by showing stubbornness, being sullen or by procrastinating. ” Pretending not to hear or understand my pleas was part of my husband’s strategy, part of his passive-aggressive personality and is emotional abuse. Looking back on my attempts to fix our relationship, I give myself a pass. I wanted what was best for my husband and for “us.” I didn’t understand I could no more help him than a woman can help cure her alcoholic or drug addicted spouse. Sherri Gordon explained it this way in her article, What is Emotional Abuse? Despite your best efforts, you will never be able to change an emotionally abusive person by doing something different or by being different. An abusive person makes a choice to behave abusively. I think of the serenity prayer: God, grant me the Serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And Wisdom to know the difference. My husband had understood perfectly what I was asking of him. It was me who didn’t get that he knew exactly what he was doing and had no intention of changing. I finally realized I could only change myself, and I did. I left and found a better life. When we understand the dynamics of our situation, we can respond in a more healthy way. If you think you might be dealing with a passive-aggressive spouse, strive to understand what that means, and then make an enlightened choice. I find Gordon’s article a helpful read … one that I wish had been available to me during my marriage. You may find it useful as well as well as the many other resources on this subject that are available today. I also recommend enlisting the help of a counselor who understands this disorder and ways to deal with it. Blessings,  AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace. Write something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview.
You’ve recently been through a divorce. Your self-esteem is at a low point and you want it back! Or perhaps you’ve always lacked a strong sense of self, and that’s one reason your marriage didn’t work. You see that now, and you’re ready to learn and grow and become your own best friend. First, let's define “sense of self” and “self-esteem.” sense of self - refers to your perception of the collection of characteristics that define you. self-esteem - your image of yourself as a confident person able to express your true self in a positive manner. You see yourself as able to grow and learn. You know who you are, your likes and dislikes. What’s so important about having self-esteem? I can tell you from personal experience, you’ll feel better emotionally, physically, and spiritually as you become your true, authentic self. Although I’d always considered myself a strong person, after leaving my husband of twenty-five years, I discovered I had a lot of fears. I was afraid I’d screw up when learning how to ride the light-rail. I was afraid I would make a big blunder in handling my finances. I was afraid I’d be unable to make new friends. And so on. There were also times when I wondered if I could have done more to save my marriage, although I couldn’t think of what that might have been. There were days I struggled to get out of bed, and some days I didn’t. I certainly did not see myself as confident. But little by little I found my way. If you are doubting yourself as I did, here are some steps that will help you discover the strong, mentally healthy person inside you who’s waiting to get out. Discover the strong, mentally healthy person inside you! Claim Your Heritage I had a new friend who collected and wore pins in the shape of a crown. I wondered if she thought of herself as royalty, although she never exhibited the haughty attitude I associated with that class. I finally asked her what wearing the crown symbolized for her. “I’m a princess,” she said, smiling. “I’m the daughter of the most high king!” (It would have been nice if she’d added, “And so are you!” and handed over one of her pins!) Even though I was (and am) a Christian, I’d not heard my relationship to the Lord put in those terms. I’ve always believed I was God’s child, but her comment sparked a desire to know more specifically what the Bible had to say about our royalty. Beginning with my belief that God is “King of kings” and “Lord of lords,” I found two of many references: Galatians 4:7. So you are no longer a slave, but God’s child; and since you are His child, God has made you also an heir. While is great to see ourselves as royalty, there’s still the specific question of how God sees us. Colossians 1:22-23 says, He reconciled [me] by Christ’s physical body through death to present [me] holy in His sight, without blemish and free from accusation—if [I] continue in [my] faith, established and firm, and do not move from the hope held out in the gospel Self-talk and guilt Self-talk is your internal dialogue. What do you tell yourself about who you are? Do you encourage yourself or replay real or imagined negative feedback from others? When I catch myself thinking I’ve said or done something stupid, I try changing the word “stupid” to “silly”, which is most often a better descriptor. If it’s a serious blunder I’ve committed, I remind myself I’m human. God loves me just the same. When appropriate, He will help me rectify those mistakes if I ask Him. He is always ready to forgive us. If God forgives us, shouldn’t we forgive ourselves? 1 John 1:9 If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. Try using a few favorite affirmations when you feel stressed or scared. (Check out Steve Pederson’s 21 Christian Affirmations for Self-Esteem) Two of my favorites are: I can do all things through Him who gives me strength (Philippians 4:13), and I am deeply loved for who I am and not what I do. (Romans 5:8) Comparing ourselves to others Did God make multiple copies of us? Of course not! Then why do we sometimes feel less than someone else? There’s that self-talk again: “I can’t be as good as so and so at this or that,” we tell ourselves. Instead, ask yourself if you can achieve your goal by another route. Or consider choosing a different goal that more closely aligns with who you are and what you really want. We all have equal importance in God’s eyes while being unique. Neither our strengths nor our weaknesses define our worth. Our value is in being who God made us to be. (Remember that Romans 5:8 affirmation!) 2 Corinthians 10:12 Not that we dare to classify or compare ourselves with some of those who are commending themselves. But when they measure themselves by one another and compare themselves with one another, they are without understanding.  Explore your potential You are endowed with natural talents. Do you know what those are but have been discouraged in using those by a spouse or other naysayer? In this season of re-evaluating who you are, consider exploring undeveloped talents you might have. In my blog post Overcoming Divorce Trauma with “Radical Acceptance”, I write about how finding even the tiniest path to change can open the way to bigger change. Going back to school was a stretch for me. I hadn’t had to “knuckle down” and study for years. I struggled in the beginning, but the struggle was worthwhile. Not only did I feel good about eventually earning an advanced certification, it opened more growth opportunities for me. Psalm 139:14. I praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are Your works; my soul knows it very well Get creative, get physical Consider what energizes you and try new things. What have you secretly wanted to do but never got up the nerve or told yourself you didn’t have the time to do. Take the time now to discover more about yourself. Have you always wanted to sing but never had the nerve? Find some friends to join in a karaoke party. Take a painting class. Try judo. When I was growing up, I envied friends who could dance, thinking I was not graceful. During my divorce recovery I decided to give ballroom dancing a whirl. To my delight, I found with each practice session, I grew better and better. As I did, I felt more comfortable in my body. Of course, I would never compare myself to Ginger Rogers, but I could compare me to my earlier self and celebrate my progress. 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body. Volunteer “Your role as a volunteer can give you a sense of pride and identity. And the better you feel about yourself, the more likely you are to have a positive view of your life and future goals.” The following are some of the benefits of volunteering listed by *Western State Connecticut University. #1: Volunteering connects you to others, helping you make new friends and contacts. #2. Volunteering is good for your mind and body. It increases self-confidence, combats depression, and helps you stay physically healthy. (No more staying in bed!) #3. It can advance your career, giving you career experience and teaching you valuable job skills. #4: Volunteering brings fun and fulfillment to your life. There’s a feeling of satisfaction when volunteering at a soup kitchen or learning how to comfort an abandoned pet at a shelter. One of my volunteer gigs was volunteering to help write and produce a newsletter for a local natural history museum. Not only did I hone my skills as a writer, it proved to be a springboard for the publication of my first non-fiction book, Keiko's Story: A Killer Whale Goes Home. Acts 20:35 In all things I have shown you that by working hard in this way we must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he himself said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’” Seek out those who will build you up If you’re newly divorced, your ego may have suffered quite a blow. Maybe though, the erosion of your self-esteem began years earlier. Whatever your experience, you don’t need negative people in your life. Maybe when you’re stronger, you can handle them, but you might be too vulnerable right now. That was true for me. I left behind a few friends who did not understand my need to leave my husband. I left my church which did not support me in that decision. I allowed my family to embrace me with love and support. And I attended a divorce support group and sought out friends through a Christian singles group. Ask God to help you find those who can build you up. And be open to build up others as you heal. 1 Thessalonians 5:11 Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing. Learn to set boundaries As you gain confidence in who you are and what feels meaningful, you’ll find it easier to say “no” to what doesn’t fit you, and “yes” to what does. Not everyone is going to be pleased with your values, and there will be times when you’ll experience pushback. There are also people who are more “takers” than “givers.” A friend once told me, “Linda, ‘No’ is a Christian word.” Learn to say “No” if you find your relationship depleting. Each time you stand firm in your beliefs and actions, you’ll gain self-confidence. I learned a lot about boundaries while taking ballroom dancing after my divorce. As I grew more confident. I was happy to take suggestions from a knowledgeable partner, but I didn’t tolerate untoward criticism for my dancing. That translated to decisions regarding dating, too. I became very open with my dates about what kind of intimacy I allowed and didn’t allow. Typically, on a third date I’d be asked the same question: “Where do we go from here?” I knew this was code for “Are we going to have sex, and if so, when?” My response became typical too. “You should know that I hope to marry again someday. I’m a Christian, and I don’t intend to become intimate before then.” “Good luck in finding someone who agrees to that!” he’d say. “If I never do, than I’ll know that’s part of God’s plan for me,” I responded. “If he believes the same way I do, then I’ll know we have potential for a lasting relationship, won’t I?” Then one evening, I had a date with someone who respected my intimacy boundary and had one of his own. Our marriage has been the kind I always hoped for. Conclusion One of my mantras is, “You never know until you make your move.” Another is, “Trust God and do the next thing.” You may be hurting right now, thinking your life sucks, but, as you can see, there’s a world of opportunity waiting for you to make your next move. I urge you to get out of bed and go for it. God’s got you! Blessings,  Note: This article is certainly not the last word on self-esteem. If you Google the term, you’ll find more ideas on how to build your self-esteem. For more on boundaries, check out this book: Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend, Oct 3, 2017 AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.
You’ve no doubt heard of COVID Fatigue. In the midst of the ongoing pandemic, many folks abandoned their masks and social distancing. The problem had not subsided, but many people no longer maintained the high level of diligence needed to avoid getting the disease and spreading it to others. The need to be hyper-diligent proved to be exhausting and not sustainable for some. Similarly, I’d been experiencing "Spiritual Abuse Fatigue." Surely the era of pastors and other church leaders blaming and shaming women for revealing the behavior of their abusive husbands is over! Surely there was no longer the high-level need to keep the problem in the public’s eye. A recent article jolted me out of my complacency “EXCLUSIVE: John MacArthur Shamed, Excommunicated Mother for Refusing to Take Back Child Abuser.” Written by Julie Roys of the Roys Report, it tells the story of a Christian woman, Eileen Gray, who discovered her husband, David, had been physically and verbally abusing their children in horrific ways. She went to her church’s elders at Grace Community Church in Sun Valley, California, “hoping they would protect her and her children and get David professional help.” John MacArthur, speaker and radio evangelist, was the senior pastor at the time. Instead of believing Eileen and doing what the church could to keep her and her children safe, those men blamed her for destroying her marriage. She was told to “suffer for Jesus,” and insisted she remain with her husband. MacArthur went so far as to publicly shame her in a sermon. Many in the church, both men and women, joined him in blaming and harassing her. Finally, she was excommunicated from the church. I can’t help but reflect on two similar spiritual abuse stories Before I continue with this story, I can’t help but reflect on two similar spiritual abuse stories written by early contributors to this blog: Deep Wounds: Divorce, the Church, and God and Liberation from the Patriarchal Church. In both cases, these women asked for help from their church concerning their abusive spouses. Consequently, both women were accused by their churches of being responsible for their husbands’ abusive behaviors. What exactly is Spiritual Abuse? Beth Ann Baus writes in Recognizing Warning Signs of Spiritual Abuse in the Church, "Spiritual abuse might include: manipulation and exploitation, accountability enforced by threats, censorship of decision-making, coercion to conform, and the inability to ask questions or voice disagreement. The abuser might suggest they are in a ‘divine’ position and therefore require your obedience.’" What are the Signs of Spiritual Abuse and How Can We Recognize Them in the Church?, “Spiritual abuse is defined as the use of psychological and emotional manipulation, characterized by a systematic pattern of using coercive and controlling behavior within the teachings of religion. That is, spiritual abuse is the same as spousal, child, elder, or workplace abuse – it can be physical, sexual, or emotional. Because of the context, however, the impact is particularly widespread.” Michal J. Kruger explored the problem of spiritual abuse in his article “Standing Up to Bully Pastors.” He highlighted the case of Jerry Falwell, Jr., whose abuses included intimidation and other forms of bullying. It was only when evidence of sexual misconduct surfaced that the board of Liberty University confronted Falwell. Back to Eileen's story Back to Eileen’s story of spiritual abuse which began back in 2002. Why has the Roys Report choosen to feature it now? “On February 20, 2004, David Gray, a former teacher at John MacArthur’s Grace Community Church (GCC), was charged with multiple counts of sexual and physical abuse of children … Today, David Gray is serving 21 years to life for aggravated child molestation, corporal injury to a child, and child abuse … Just last Friday, the California Board of Parole denied Gray parole for 10 years.” That’s good, right? Yes, that part is good, but still today, John McArthur is the lead pastor of GCC and many in his church still support David Gray. This image is a recent screenshot found on the church’s website.  Unfortunately, spiritual abuse is not dead. Nothing seems to have changed at Grace Community. And it will not go away by closing our minds to it. Here are some articles that may help you, the reader, become more aware and more proactive in working to make spiritual abuse no longer acceptable within the church. Blessing,  AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her new memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace. Click on the image to buy Linda's new memoir, or order it from your favorite book store.
Oh, God, oh, God, help me, help me. This hurt is beyond hurt. Jesus, you understand betrayal. You understand what it’s like to be abandoned. Thank you for sharing my pain. You are the God of all comfort. You carry me when I cannot walk. Carry me now, Lord. Hold me tight. Hold me. Hold me. (from God, the Devil, and Divorce: A Transformative Journey out of Emotional and Spritual Abuse.) Those days and nights days following my devastating divorce are far behind me, but I will never forget my heartache and desperation. This bible verse spoke most powerfully to me then, and still does: You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book. Psalm 56:8 I visualized the Lord carefully placing each one of my tears in a bottle inscribed with my name, and I cried more tears, tears of immense gratitude that the creator of the universe cared intimately for me, understanding and even honoring my misery. The Lord didn’t take away my pain; He transformed it into the same feelings of love and protection I knew as a child when my mother rocked me after I’d fallen and hurt myself. Yes, my cut was deep, but I felt cared for and loved. I could believe God’s words spoken to the exiled Israelites in Babylon also applied to me: For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. (Jeremiah 29:11) I came to believe I would eventually heal. I don’t carry the memory of those days as a wound, but as a testimony to the healing power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 8:28 says, And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. That has certainly been my experience, as I have been fully restored and blessed beyond measure. I try to pay that blessings forward. Consequently, I try to pay that blessing forward. My time in the “refiner’s fire” has given me the ability to understand other people’s pain on a deeper level. I don’t try to fix their problems, but I walk alongside them and give encouragement. I can attest to 2 Corinthians 1:3, 4: Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble. The other day I was able to reassure a grieving family member. “When you awake in the middle of the night, sick with despair, when you cry out to God, wondering where He is in all of this, I can assure you He’s there. He’s the God of love. He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds (Psalm 147:3). He’s done it for me. Cry out to Him and He’ll do it for you.
For all those of you who are in a world of hurt, I’m praying the same prayer for you that the apostle Paul wrote to the early Christians: I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. (Romans 15:13) There will be a time when you too can praise God for what He's done for you. Then you can pay it forward.
divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.” Based on this passage, I was told I did not have God's permission to divorce, and I needed to stay in my unhealthy marriage. I had difficulty believing God wanted this for me, even though the bible is clear that God hates divorce. Other passages indicate that divorce is a covenant relationship. Preachers and theologians have also used this passage to insist that divorce is a sin. Eventually, I came to believe that my husband had irretrievably broken our marriage, and I discerned God's permission to divorce. Wrestling with the decision to divorce opened my mind to how controversial this subject is, and I continue to read scholarly studies, wanting to understand God's heart. David Instone-Brewer’s book, Divorce and Remarriage in the Church: Biblical Solutions for Pastoral Realities, makes sense to me. He writes, “My hope is that the church will rediscover the biblical principles that divorce should occur only when marriage vows are broken and that only the wronged partner may decide whether this will happen." He writes: There were no debates about the validity of neglect and abuse as grounds for divorce in any ancient Jewish literature, for the same reason that there are none about the oneness of God: these principles were unanimously agreed on. Rather than indicating that Jesus did not accept the validity of divorce for neglect and abuse, his silence about it highlights the fact that he did accept it, like all other Jews at that time. This acceptance of abuse and neglect as grounds for divorce indicates that those actions fall under the heading of marital unfaithfulness, as mentioned by Jesus in Matthew 5:32. A husband who neglects or abuses his wife is being unfaithful to her every bit as much as through sexual infidelity. The same applies to the wife. I also found Instone-Brewer's look at the concept of “covenant” to be enlightening. You may want to get a copy of Instone-Brewer's book to read more. I don’t believe that, if a marriage gets tough, the only answer is to leave. I’ve heard Christian people declare “God just wants us to be happy,” using that as permission to divorce. This idea cannot be found in the Bible. The following passage, written by the apostle Paul, is the bedrock of my understanding that we have a choice and how we are to make it. You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another humbly in love. For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: Love your neighbor as yourself.” (Galatians 5:13-14 (NIV) I believe God calls us to do our best to love our spouse and make our marriage work. I also believe this passage means we are free to make the choice to divorce if the marriage is irretrievably broken. We should not leave out of hate but rather seek to maintain agape love — love that is merciful, full of grace and unselfish, seeking the best for the other while maintaining respect for ourselves. Blessings,  AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her new memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace. |
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