The Struggle to Forgive I knew that, as a Christian, I was supposed to forgive my ex. But I struggled, revisiting his many lies and the hurts he inflicted upon me. His betrayal haunted my nightmares and sprung up unbidden during the day. I could barely function. “Go ahead, Lord,” I urged, “roast him and toast him!” “Betrayed” had become the narrative of my life. I made an appointment with my new pastor, hoping he had the magic words that would help me with this task. “Forgiveness is absolutely necessary, and you should do it as soon as possible,” he responded. “Remember, God has forgiven both you and Jim.” He pointed to some of the passages in the Bible that deal with forgiveness. “For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.” Matthew 6:14 “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” Ephesians 4:31-32 There were more verses, and I knew them all. He might as well have said, “Just do it.” Did that help me? Of course not! I felt more shame and frustration for not being ready to forgive  What Forgiveness Looks Like Forgiveness is a Process, not a onetime event I hope by now that pastor has a better understanding of the forgiveness process. Forgiving doesn’t mean we immediately stop feeling hurt or we deny our feelings. I love what Nancy Richards, author of the memoir Mother, I Don’t Forgive You said in a recent interview with Kathy Pooler: “Forgiveness is not an event of immediacy. It’s not a bolt of lightning that brightens the soul and burns the pain to ashes. Forgiveness is a process; one that we must honor with our own healing timetable.” (1) By acknowledging our pain, not just with our heads but with our whole being, we open the door for healing and forgiveness.  How to forgive Ask God God wants us to forgive, but He doesn’t expect us to forgive on our own. He’s a patient God, waiting to help us on our journey of forgiveness when we’re ready to ask Him. Forgive yourself In his book Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don’t Deserve, Lewis B. Smedes wrote: “[Forgiveness] cannot heal our narcissistic resentments toward people for not being all that we expect them to be … Nobody can forgive people for being what they are.” (3) I had to shed the illusion that I could have somehow changed my ex into the person I thought he should be. Eventually I realized my resentment toward him was a waste of my good time. If I had anyone to forgive, it was me for being wrong in my belief I could fix him. I also needed to forgive myself for staying so long and letting him get away with his treatment of me.  Forgiveness doesn’t mean we shouldn’t protect ourselves We can forgive someone even when we don’t trust them. An ex-spouse who has hurt us and remains unrepentant cannot be expected to change because of our forgiveness. I was relieved when I decided to hand over my ex and his problems to God. My job was to take care of me and my stuff. I practiced dealing with my ex as I would a business arrangement, spending as little emotional energy as possible. When the situation called for it, I sought to remind him, in a neutral manner, of his better nature. (I confess it took me a while to get to this point.) Try empathy You probably know your ex better than anyone else. Try to imagine what drove him or her to the behaviors that hurt you so much. Would a healthy person do the same? Probably not. When I think of the parental abuse my ex endured during his childhood, my heart aches for him. That’s not to say I condone his actions, but it helps me see him as a vulnerable human being who didn’t have the capability of being the kind of spouse I needed or wanted. This realization has helped me forgive him. Get help I believe true forgiveness cannot be achieved in the midst of trauma. If you find yourself endlessly recycling hurt and anger as I did, get help. Many churches sponsor divorce recovery support groups led by people who understand what you’re going through. They’ll facilitate your learning how to heal and gain hope for your future. Individual counselors can be helpful, too. I took advantage of both. My counselor put me on anti-depressants until I was able to better cope. Through my divorce recovery group, I gained new friends as we negotiated our newly single lives. Healing and moving forward opened me to gradual forgiveness. Use a little humor Make a list of all your ex’s faults and put them together in a faux dating ad. Would you want to date that guy (or gal), let alone, be married to someone like that? No way! Understand your power to forgive In a Psychology Today article, Lisa Firestone writes, “Learning to forgive helps us to control our story and our feelings to avoid unnecessary pain. As powerful individuals, we can choose between living in a victim mode or an adult mode. In the latter state, we acknowledge and feel the full pain of what happened to us without getting stuck in a triggered state in which we feel it is still happening. We can feel our feelings without letting them overtake us.” (4)  Have I been able to forgive my ex, you ask. When some folks learn I’ve written a memoir about my marriage, divorce, and recovery, they assume I’ve done so to “get back” at him. Although there might have been some truth to that when I first began, revisiting my life has given me a more nuanced perspective. I see the whole man now, with both good and bad qualities. He’s someone I spent a great deal of my life with, and with whom I share a now-grown child. I have enough emotional distance now that he can no longer hurt me. I wish him the best. Imagine you have the power to forgive. Can you feel your shoulders relax and your jaw unclench? Is your walk a little lighter? Just remember, forgiveness takes time. Be gentle with yourself as you follow the path of forgiveness, looking ahead to the many blessings that await you. Blessings,  Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.
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 I needed advice. My marriage of twenty-five years was in shambles. Years of counseling had not helped us fix our problems, so I made an appointment with the women’s pastor at my new church. “Your decision to stay or go should be based on what God wants you to do or not do. You should be asking Him what He wants from you in your marriage. If you’re leaving to escape the pain, you’ll only find more pain.” My heart sank. This woman was half right about my motivation for wanting to leave; I was seeking to relieve the pain. Happiness was too much to ask for. I also knew she was right that I should talk with God about what He wanted me to do. The problem was, I’d been seeking God’s guidance for several years, and still I had no clear answer. I’d stumbled along, doing the best I knew how to make my marriage work. But, despite my efforts, it continued to get worse. Nevertheless, according to this woman, if I left, I would be facing more pain rather than the relief I was seeking. How God Views Divorce If we believe God causes all things to work together for good to those who love Him, to those who are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28), does that mean that God will work all difficult marriages for good? Always? Is this passage calling us to endure suffering in marriage for the sake of righteousness? And if we choose to divorce despite believing that, will we miss out on God’s working for our good? More than one Christian warned me that this would be my fate. Since I’ve written other posts on this subject, I’ll sum up my understanding here. God calls some of us to stay in difficult marriages, and others He releases from those marriages. I believe He called me to remain in my marriage for as long as I did. During that time, He worked many things for my good. I also believe He released me when the time was right. Want my 10 Steps for a more joyful life after divorce? What the Research Says In reading research on this subject, I learned that the answer to the happiness question varies. A report by the Institute for American Values, “Does Divorce Make People Happier?” found that divorced people are no happier than unhappy couples who choose to stay married. Pepper Schwartz, author of the book Everything You Know about Love and Sex Is Wrong, says this is a flawed study because it included separated people who are most likely to be unhappy. She says data shows that divorced people become happier when the divorce is behind them. A study by the University of Arizona and University of Colorado Boulder, rated types of marriages to determine if women were happier after divorce. Researchers found that women in troubled marriages were much happier after they divorced compared to women who remained married. “Those in the poorest quality relationships may face a variety of negative stressors from which divorce provides a clear relief,” the authors wrote. In an online survey of 2,000 U.S. adults by Avvo, a legal research company, 75 percent of divorced women report having no regrets over the decision to divorce. Sixty-one percent of divorced men say the same. Results of other studies vary. I believe many factors influence the level of happiness of a marriage. Factors may include physical and emotional abuse, age of children and one’s spouse’s influence on the children, finances, fidelity or lack thereof, clashing philosophies and religious beliefs, intimacy issues, different priorities and interests, and inability to resolve conflicts. Issues influencing happiness after divorce include care of children, finances and other assets, support from family and friends, level of education, level of religious faith and support, relationship with the ex, and state of mind to name a few. Feeling Happier Takes Time Be in charge of your happiness, but be patient. Take time for mourning the loss of the hopes and dreams you had for your marriage. Ask the Lord to reveal to you your part in the relationships failure. Revisit why you chose your spouse is helpful. Trying to fill the void right away with someone else rarely ends well. The period immediately after my own divorce was painful. Learning to live on my own after twenty-five years was a huge adjustment. Then, discovering that my husband had remarried within a short time of the divorce, as if our marriage had meant nothing to him, sent me into a tailspin. But I learned to lean on the Lord, and I made the choice to be happy. My divorce did not result in missing out on God’s blessings; He has blessed me abundantly. Leaving was the hardest decision I’ve ever made, but I’m so glad I made that choice. For more ways to experience happiness after divorce, check out my 10 Steps for a More Joyful Life after Divorce. Click here. Blessings,  Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.  Egalitarian Marriage Egalitarian marriages can be found among progressive Christians as well as secular society. The strict egalitarian view is that husbands and wives submit to each other in an equal manner, partners mutually supporting one another. Ideally, both husband and wife strive to equally divide every aspect of their responsibilities. That includes earnings and family-related decision making, housework and parenting, spending and saving. None of these roles are to be considered the purview of one gender or the other. Some folks worry that practicing equality means the end of chivalry. In an article, “6 Things Egalitarian Marriage is Not,” Robin Rhine McDonald writes, “[Egalitarianism] means that wives are considered equal partners with their husbands, capable of making decisions, collaborating, and using their God-given talents and gifting. None of this negates the kindness that is extended by holding open a door.” My marriage ... egalitarian? Frankly, I can’t imagine my own marriage, which I’ve always considered to be egalitarian, to operate in this manner. In fact, it would seem that, if partners attempt to follow this strict definition, the results would be confusion and hurt feelings. They might even need a spread sheet to make sure their tasks remain equal! Finances might be an especially difficult area to achieve equality. A recent article by Claire Cain Miller in The New York Times describes a 2017 Pew Research Center survey in which 71 percent of people believe that good husbands should be able to financially support a family. A new study by the Census Bureau showed that when wives earn more, they tend to under-report their earnings and their husbands tend to over-report their earnings. There are a number of other respected studies that show the impact of wives earning more than husbands. Unfortunately, most of them seem to be negative For me, an egalitarian marriage is... For me, an egalitarian marriage is one in which both of us divvy up responsibilities according to our individual strengths. From the outside, my marriage looks pretty traditional. My husband is a semi-retired mathematics teacher and takes care of our finances. I excel in the home arts and enjoy the creative side of cooking. I like creating a garden, but my husband is stronger, so he does the heavy work. Other roles are fluid and depend on the circumstances of the day. We take turns making breakfast, and my husband often helps me with our evening meals. We both iron! In spiritual matters, we’ve been mutually submissive in choosing our place of worship. We enjoy bible study together and learning from each other’s perspective. In our previous small home group, I led a study on spiritual gifts. My husband leads our current group’s study. Who knows? We might change that up again; it depends on the Holy Spirit’s prompting. My personal view... My personal view is that learning about different styles of marriage helps to facilitate a discussion between partners. But putting a label on one’s marriage may be counterproductive. I’ll stick with the goal of being mutually submissive out of love and respect — with God’s help. What about you? What's your marriage style and how is it working? I invite you to share in the Comment section below. Blessings,  Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.  More and more women, both Christian and non-Christian, are no longer willing to tolerate second-class status in the workplace and in a marriage. The result is that men and women are pivoting away from traditional marriage roles. Egalitarian marriages are growing in the secular world, with many Christians are following suit. Let's take a look a today's Christian marriages. The Patriarchal Marriage This is a traditional marriage and is still espoused by most conservative churches. in which women are not encouraged to use their gifts except when they directly serve the needs and desires of their husbands. Husbands have no imperative to listen to their wives’ views or advice. The wife’s role is to serve her husband, their children, and their church. An Important Factor An important factor among progressive Christians is current biblical scholarship that points to the Apostle Paul’s urging husbands and wives to submit to one another. (Ephesians 5:21). However, the interpretation of “submission” is still, and may ever be, debated. The Complementarian Marriage In complementarian marriages, couples practice mutual submission according to their gender roles. Both men and women have equal value in the marriage, with their roles complementing each other, rather than being the same. The husband takes on the role of spiritual leader of the members of his family and is responsible for their care and well-being. He is the final authority, but understands that this authority does not give him the right to rule. Instead, it gives him the responsibility to serve as leader and helper. The Egalitarian Marriage My next post will explore what an egalitarian marriage looks like, so stay tuned. Blessings,  Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.  The parallel between the abuse of women by men in power in the secular world and the abuse of women by men in power in the Christian world is no coincidence. In a previous blog post, I used as examples Harvey Weinstein, disgraced film producer, who prompted the #MeToo movement, and Paige Patterson, disgraced ex-president of Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary whose behavior prompted the #ChurchToo movement. The correlation is no accident! I’ve explored how traditional translations of the bible were heavily influenced by society’s view of the roles of women and men. The sad truth is that the teachings of Jesus and the apostle Paul concerning women, and other low-status peoples, have been skewed by these translations to mean quite the opposite … women as second class citizens who are not due equal respect and benefits. Biblical verses have been used for generations to back up this view. Women were considered by society, including many Christians, to be at the service of men. From the beginning, Eve desired her husband, Adam, and he ruled over her. The apostle Paul is quoted as saying, “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.” Both have been used through the ages to support the notion of men’s superiority and have become examples of biblical patriarchy. You might wonder how divorce fits into this dynamic. Traditionally, and in many conservative churches today, divorce has been considered an unpardonable sin. I won’t get into verses about divorce here. Suffice it to say that traditional translations can be, and often are, interpreted as divorce being forbidden except in the case of adultery by the offending spouse. Some conservatives even find that an insufficient reason to divorce. There was no attempt by these leaders to look further into biblical meaning and context of these verses. Why would they? If women were allowed to have an equal status in the church and in their marriages, male power would be threatened. Church leaders claimed the right to treat women in just about any way they chose. Following the example of church leaders, husbands were also given free rein to “lord it over” their wives. It seems clear to me that disallowing “divorce” from spiritually abusive churches, and actual divorce from physically and emotionally abusive marriages, kept the patriarchal church functioning. Once women would be free, as equal human beings to leave the abuse, the traditional church would come tumbling down. Traditional marriages would change, too. We see that dynamic happening today. The question, now, is what can we learn from the Jesus' teachings to form spiritually healthy churches and marriages. Stay tuned. Blessings,  Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.  In the past, bible scholarship and interpretation was heavily influenced by the surrounding culture. Eventually, some might even say "glacially," a push to understand the scriptures through scholarly research grew during the nineteenth century. Today, “there may be a general consensus that scholarship should always proceed objectively, not depending on faith (or anti-faith) commitments, but absolute objectivity is simply impossible. At best, scholars debate their conflicting interpretations and help keep each other honest.” (James D. Ernest, "How Has New Testament Scholarship Changed over Time?") Several years ago, I became aware of an influential group of men and women evangelicals, “disturbed by the shallow biblical premise used by churches, organizations, and mission groups to exclude the gifts of women.” They organized in 1987 as Christians for Biblical Equality (CBE). Their statement, "Men, Women, and Biblical Equality," laid out the biblical rationale for equality as well as its application in the community of believers and the family. I became a member of CBE, and appreciate how it reviews and promotes resources on gender and the Bible from an egalitarian perspective. More traditional churches and individuals tend to cling to their view of the superiority of men. The #ChurchToo movement has recently brought a spotlight on the damage this dynamic can cause. When I chose to divorce my previous husband, I experienced patriarchal attitudes and condemnation from certain conservative Christians that left me reeling. Since then, I’ve discovered such books as Divorce and Remarriage in the Church, What Paul REALLY Said About Women, Discovering Biblical Equality, and Jesus Feminist. Other organizations and scholars continue to contribute to the evolution of understanding the bible in egalitarian terms. Bible scholar Margaret Mowczko writes in her May 24, 2018, blog post, Gender Roles & Gendered Activities in the Old Testament, “Though patriarchy is the backdrop of the Bible, it is not the message of the Bible. … There is no teaching or rule that says men must do certain jobs and women must do other jobs, apart from the priesthood which was open to an exclusive group of men. Any indication of gendered activity, excepting the priesthood, appears to be the product of biology and culture rather than bionically mandated.” I can imagine Cady Elizabeth Stanton and the twenty-six women who contributed to the Women’s Bible, upon hearing those words, shouting from their graves, “Hallelujah! Amen! There are a number of Protestant churches these days that have been influenced by these studies and become more egalitarian. However, there is more progress to be made. Personally, I belong to a very open non-denominational church. We have some women in leadership, but, unfortunately, we do not have any women pastors. There are a few of us who are working to change that. What is that saying … ? Oh, yes, “A woman’s work is never done.”
Do you have a favorite study resource on this topic? Please share in the comments below. Next week’s post, Why Divorce Was Declared an Unforgivable Sin. Instone-Brewer, David. Divorce and Remarriage in the Church: Biblical Solutions for Pastoral Realities, Downers Grove: IVP Books, 2007 Bristow, John Temple, What Paul Really Said About Women, Harper Collins, 1988 Pierce, Ronald W. ed., Groothuis, Rebecca Merrill ed., Discovering Biblical Equality: Complementarity without Hierarchy, IVP Academic 2005  I've been exploring the correlation between society and the church regarding women's perceived roles over time. Before the first women’s movement, the secular worlds had influenced churches’ patriarchal biblical interpretation of female roles and worth (see my previous post). The women’s suffrage and abolition movements led to the breaking away from patriarchal tradition by a significant number of women and a number of men too. The women who led the suffrage movement in the mid 1800’s were not of one mind when it came to religion and the bible. Many left traditional religion for the Quaker faith, and others for spiritualism. Still others, with their new-found confidence and inspired by strong women in the bible, remained in the Christian church, working for women’s rights, abolition, temperance, and compassion for the less fortunate. Regardless of faith affiliations, experience in working in these movements empowered women to think for themselves and to speak out. The 19th amendment which guaranteed women’s right to vote finally passed in 1920, and the secular world began to change toward a more egalitarian view. Gloria Steinem, Betty Friedan, Shirley Chisholm, and Bella Abzug, spearheaded the second women’s movement in the 1960s and ’70s which touched on every area of women’s family, sexuality, and work. They felt little need to discuss biblical views of women. They felt little need to discuss biblical views of women. Their efforts moved society somewhat closer to egalitarianism, but not as far as they had hoped, and the Equal Rights Amendment has yet to be adopted. As society’s attitude toward women began to change, so too did some Protestant churches, as they began to accept women as equally gifted. We'll get to that in next week's post Blessings,  Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.  Elizabeth Cady Stanton When I recently visited the Library of Congress, I was surprised to discover that Elizabeth Cady Stanton, American suffragist, social activist, abolitionist, and leading figure of the early women's rights movement, spearheaded the writing of the Women’s Bible in 1895. Stanton, with a committee of 26 women, sought to challenge traditional religious beliefs that women should be subservient to men. Unfortunately, Bible scholars were aware of the controversy the project would engender and refused to participate. Stanton’s Bible was declared by clergy to be “Satan’s work,” (not surprising) and was snubbed by the women’s suffragette movement (perhaps surprising). Her works inspired the writings of many 20th-century feminists, My discovery led me to wonder about the synergy between the women’s movement in the mid-eighteen hundreds and bible interpretations of the time. Stanton was not alone in questioning traditional biblical understanding. Lucretia Mott, a Quaker social reformer preceded Stanton in her work for women’s equality. In 1849 she published Discourse on Woman, highlighting women in the bible and arguing that their examples proved women’s right to express their spiritual beliefs. She’s quoted as saying, "It is not Christianity, but priestcraft that has subjected woman as we find her. The Church and State have been united, and it is well for us to see it so." Lucy Stone, a lecturer and writer, also worked for women's suffrage in the mid 1800’s. She studied Greek and Latin to better understand biblical passages she believed had been miss-translated against women. She is believed to be the first married woman in the United States to have kept her maiden name and to publicly declare, with her husband, to have an egalitarian marriage. I do not agree with everything these women espoused... I do not agree with everything these women espoused, but nevertheless, I find their courage to think for themselves and to publicly express their ideas, inspiring. My next post will explore more contemporary Christians in the women’s movement. Note: Most of my information came from Wikipedia backed by other sources. Blessings,  Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.  Sexual assault by men in power is a hot-button subject these days. I’ve been following several of these cases, trying to understand how they relate to abusive Christian marriages. When Paige Patterson, recently disgraced ex- president of Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary and a prominent leader in the Southern Baptist Convention (SBC), advised women to stay in abusive marriages to help “save” their husbands, he unwittingly revealed to the world the systemic misogyny of a large number of Christian churches. It would seem that much of the Church has the very same problem toward women as the secular world. Perhaps we Christians are not all that different from un-churched folk. Perhaps we Christians are not all that different from un-churched folk. In his book, What Paul Really Said about Women*, John Temple Bristow describes the ancient world’s view of women. “The philosophers of Athens … bequeathed to the world a double indictment against womanhood. From the classic period, especially in the teachings of Aristotle, came the conviction that women are inferior to men … women are to be commanded by men and used for the pleasure of men.” The Stoic philosophers believed that “women are a distraction and temptation to men. Therefore, women are to be avoided by men who would thereby be free to pursue those qualities that make men superior.” Wow! Does that sound familiar? Men like Harvey Weinstein could never have vocalized those beliefs with impunity. But his actions tell us that, at some level, he holds a similar philosophy. Faith leaders like Patterson, on the other hand, have cherry-picked the bible to declare, in more overt ways, this ancient secular philosophy of women’s service to men. How can that be? The Apostle Paul declared, “You are all sons [people] of God through faith in Christ Jesus, for all you who were baptized in Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are one in Christ Jesus.” (Galatians 3:20-28) There's the rub. Ah, there’s the rub, as Shakespeare was wont to say. According to long-revered translations of the bible, Paul perhaps also indicated that women ought to be under the authority of their husbands. However, Bristow points out that the translators of these versions were heavily influenced by the traditional view of women being of lesser intellect and value than men. This misinterpretation is why Patterson and his ilk have been able to get away with his type of spiritual abuse for so long. Fortunately, we have scholars today who are able to study the true meaning of the scriptures and are giving us new insights in what the bible says about women, and men too. Stay tuned for Part 2 of this discussion. Blessings,  *What Paul Really Said about Women: An Apostle's Liberating Views on Equality in Marriage, Leadership, and Love, 1988, Harper-Collins Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.  I almost wished my husband would have an affair. Then, it would have been okay, biblically speaking, to clearly identify what was wrong and be given permission to leave. After years of counseling, my marriage was obviously coming to an end. There had been no physical abuse and no physical unfaithfulness. Yet, I felt I had to leave to save my sanity. Our counselor refused to talk about divorce, even though she declared Satan was influencing my husband. Our counselor refused to talk about divorce. She quoted Matthew 19: 9, in which Jesus said, “I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.” I thought a great deal about “unfaithfulness” during that time. It seemed to me that neglect, put-downs, and other negative behaviors could be considered unfaithful. Recently, I read an article by Joel Cade, “Reconciling My Christian Faith and Divorce” that caused me to revisit my reasoning back then. In the article, Cade explains that, in these modern times, the focus is on being unfaithful sexually. In these modern times, the focus is on being unfaithful sexually. However, Christian marriage encompasses much more than that. “It’s about being faithful to one partner with your love, with your honor, with your comfort and keeping those emotional bonds strong only with one partner,” Cade writes. He concludes that, when people share these things with someone outside the marriage, “they are no longer keeping the covenant. They are unfaithful to the marriage covenant.” In emphasizing the sexual aspect of marriage, the kind of relationship Cade calls, “Entertainment Marriage,” we tend to pass over the bedrock of a true marriage union. If we take Cade's reasoning one step further, we can conclude that sexual unfaithfulness is only one sign of broken marriage vows. Hindsight is always best, and it would have been good if I’d had the ability to express my thinking to my counselor as cogently as Cade does, although I suspect he likely benefited from hindsight as well. If you are a Christian and going through the heartbreak of divorce, my prayer is that you may gain some insight, and maybe even comfort, from this discussion. Blessings,  Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace. |
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