Help and Healing for Divorced Christians
Recovering from Divorce?
Get Linda’s 12 Steps for a More Joyful Life after Divorce.
Recovering from Divorce?
Get Linda’s 12 Steps for a More Joyful Life after Divorce.
You’ve recently been through a divorce. Your self-esteem is at a low point and you want it back! Or perhaps you’ve always lacked a strong sense of self, and that’s one reason your marriage didn’t work. You see that now, and you’re ready to learn and grow and become your own best friend. First, let's define “sense of self” and “self-esteem.” sense of self - refers to your perception of the collection of characteristics that define you. self-esteem - your image of yourself as a confident person able to express your true self in a positive manner. You see yourself as able to grow and learn. You know who you are, your likes and dislikes. What’s so important about having self-esteem? I can tell you from personal experience, you’ll feel better emotionally, physically, and spiritually as you become your true, authentic self. Although I’d always considered myself a strong person, after leaving my husband of twenty-five years, I discovered I had a lot of fears. I was afraid I’d screw up when learning how to ride the light-rail. I was afraid I would make a big blunder in handling my finances. I was afraid I’d be unable to make new friends. And so on. There were also times when I wondered if I could have done more to save my marriage, although I couldn’t think of what that might have been. There were days I struggled to get out of bed, and some days I didn’t. I certainly did not see myself as confident. But little by little I found my way. If you are doubting yourself as I did, here are some steps that will help you discover the strong, mentally healthy person inside you who’s waiting to get out. Discover the strong, mentally healthy person inside you! Claim Your Heritage I had a new friend who collected and wore pins in the shape of a crown. I wondered if she thought of herself as royalty, although she never exhibited the haughty attitude I associated with that class. I finally asked her what wearing the crown symbolized for her. “I’m a princess,” she said, smiling. “I’m the daughter of the most high king!” (It would have been nice if she’d added, “And so are you!” and handed over one of her pins!) Even though I was (and am) a Christian, I’d not heard my relationship to the Lord put in those terms. I’ve always believed I was God’s child, but her comment sparked a desire to know more specifically what the Bible had to say about our royalty. Beginning with my belief that God is “King of kings” and “Lord of lords,” I found two of many references: Galatians 4:7. So you are no longer a slave, but God’s child; and since you are His child, God has made you also an heir. While is great to see ourselves as royalty, there’s still the specific question of how God sees us. Colossians 1:22-23 says, He reconciled [me] by Christ’s physical body through death to present [me] holy in His sight, without blemish and free from accusation—if [I] continue in [my] faith, established and firm, and do not move from the hope held out in the gospel Self-talk and guilt Self-talk is your internal dialogue. What do you tell yourself about who you are? Do you encourage yourself or replay real or imagined negative feedback from others? When I catch myself thinking I’ve said or done something stupid, I try changing the word “stupid” to “silly”, which is most often a better descriptor. If it’s a serious blunder I’ve committed, I remind myself I’m human. God loves me just the same. When appropriate, He will help me rectify those mistakes if I ask Him. He is always ready to forgive us. If God forgives us, shouldn’t we forgive ourselves? 1 John 1:9 If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. Try using a few favorite affirmations when you feel stressed or scared. (Check out Steve Pederson’s 21 Christian Affirmations for Self-Esteem) Two of my favorites are: I can do all things through Him who gives me strength (Philippians 4:13), and I am deeply loved for who I am and not what I do. (Romans 5:8) Comparing ourselves to others Did God make multiple copies of us? Of course not! Then why do we sometimes feel less than someone else? There’s that self-talk again: “I can’t be as good as so and so at this or that,” we tell ourselves. Instead, ask yourself if you can achieve your goal by another route. Or consider choosing a different goal that more closely aligns with who you are and what you really want. We all have equal importance in God’s eyes while being unique. Neither our strengths nor our weaknesses define our worth. Our value is in being who God made us to be. (Remember that Romans 5:8 affirmation!) 2 Corinthians 10:12 Not that we dare to classify or compare ourselves with some of those who are commending themselves. But when they measure themselves by one another and compare themselves with one another, they are without understanding.  Explore your potential You are endowed with natural talents. Do you know what those are but have been discouraged in using those by a spouse or other naysayer? In this season of re-evaluating who you are, consider exploring undeveloped talents you might have. In my blog post Overcoming Divorce Trauma with “Radical Acceptance”, I write about how finding even the tiniest path to change can open the way to bigger change. Going back to school was a stretch for me. I hadn’t had to “knuckle down” and study for years. I struggled in the beginning, but the struggle was worthwhile. Not only did I feel good about eventually earning an advanced certification, it opened more growth opportunities for me. Psalm 139:14. I praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are Your works; my soul knows it very well Get creative, get physical Consider what energizes you and try new things. What have you secretly wanted to do but never got up the nerve or told yourself you didn’t have the time to do. Take the time now to discover more about yourself. Have you always wanted to sing but never had the nerve? Find some friends to join in a karaoke party. Take a painting class. Try judo. When I was growing up, I envied friends who could dance, thinking I was not graceful. During my divorce recovery I decided to give ballroom dancing a whirl. To my delight, I found with each practice session, I grew better and better. As I did, I felt more comfortable in my body. Of course, I would never compare myself to Ginger Rogers, but I could compare me to my earlier self and celebrate my progress. 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body. Volunteer “Your role as a volunteer can give you a sense of pride and identity. And the better you feel about yourself, the more likely you are to have a positive view of your life and future goals.” The following are some of the benefits of volunteering listed by *Western State Connecticut University. #1: Volunteering connects you to others, helping you make new friends and contacts. #2. Volunteering is good for your mind and body. It increases self-confidence, combats depression, and helps you stay physically healthy. (No more staying in bed!) #3. It can advance your career, giving you career experience and teaching you valuable job skills. #4: Volunteering brings fun and fulfillment to your life. There’s a feeling of satisfaction when volunteering at a soup kitchen or learning how to comfort an abandoned pet at a shelter. One of my volunteer gigs was volunteering to help write and produce a newsletter for a local natural history museum. Not only did I hone my skills as a writer, it proved to be a springboard for the publication of my first non-fiction book, Keiko's Story: A Killer Whale Goes Home. Acts 20:35 In all things I have shown you that by working hard in this way we must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he himself said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’” Seek out those who will build you up If you’re newly divorced, your ego may have suffered quite a blow. Maybe though, the erosion of your self-esteem began years earlier. Whatever your experience, you don’t need negative people in your life. Maybe when you’re stronger, you can handle them, but you might be too vulnerable right now. That was true for me. I left behind a few friends who did not understand my need to leave my husband. I left my church which did not support me in that decision. I allowed my family to embrace me with love and support. And I attended a divorce support group and sought out friends through a Christian singles group. Ask God to help you find those who can build you up. And be open to build up others as you heal. 1 Thessalonians 5:11 Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing. Learn to set boundaries As you gain confidence in who you are and what feels meaningful, you’ll find it easier to say “no” to what doesn’t fit you, and “yes” to what does. Not everyone is going to be pleased with your values, and there will be times when you’ll experience pushback. There are also people who are more “takers” than “givers.” A friend once told me, “Linda, ‘No’ is a Christian word.” Learn to say “No” if you find your relationship depleting. Each time you stand firm in your beliefs and actions, you’ll gain self-confidence. I learned a lot about boundaries while taking ballroom dancing after my divorce. As I grew more confident. I was happy to take suggestions from a knowledgeable partner, but I didn’t tolerate untoward criticism for my dancing. That translated to decisions regarding dating, too. I became very open with my dates about what kind of intimacy I allowed and didn’t allow. Typically, on a third date I’d be asked the same question: “Where do we go from here?” I knew this was code for “Are we going to have sex, and if so, when?” My response became typical too. “You should know that I hope to marry again someday. I’m a Christian, and I don’t intend to become intimate before then.” “Good luck in finding someone who agrees to that!” he’d say. “If I never do, than I’ll know that’s part of God’s plan for me,” I responded. “If he believes the same way I do, then I’ll know we have potential for a lasting relationship, won’t I?” Then one evening, I had a date with someone who respected my intimacy boundary and had one of his own. Our marriage has been the kind I always hoped for. Conclusion One of my mantras is, “You never know until you make your move.” Another is, “Trust God and do the next thing.” You may be hurting right now, thinking your life sucks, but, as you can see, there’s a world of opportunity waiting for you to make your next move. I urge you to get out of bed and go for it. God’s got you! Blessings,  Note: This article is certainly not the last word on self-esteem. If you Google the term, you’ll find more ideas on how to build your self-esteem. For more on boundaries, check out this book: Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend, Oct 3, 2017 AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.
0 Comments
You’ve no doubt heard of COVID Fatigue. In the midst of the ongoing pandemic, many folks abandoned their masks and social distancing. The problem had not subsided, but many people no longer maintained the high level of diligence needed to avoid getting the disease and spreading it to others. The need to be hyper-diligent proved to be exhausting and not sustainable for some. Similarly, I’d been experiencing "Spiritual Abuse Fatigue." Surely the era of pastors and other church leaders blaming and shaming women for revealing the behavior of their abusive husbands is over! Surely there was no longer the high-level need to keep the problem in the public’s eye. A recent article jolted me out of my complacency “EXCLUSIVE: John MacArthur Shamed, Excommunicated Mother for Refusing to Take Back Child Abuser.” Written by Julie Roys of the Roys Report, it tells the story of a Christian woman, Eileen Gray, who discovered her husband, David, had been physically and verbally abusing their children in horrific ways. She went to her church’s elders at Grace Community Church in Sun Valley, California, “hoping they would protect her and her children and get David professional help.” John MacArthur, speaker and radio evangelist, was the senior pastor at the time. Instead of believing Eileen and doing what the church could to keep her and her children safe, those men blamed her for destroying her marriage. She was told to “suffer for Jesus,” and insisted she remain with her husband. MacArthur went so far as to publicly shame her in a sermon. Many in the church, both men and women, joined him in blaming and harassing her. Finally, she was excommunicated from the church. I can’t help but reflect on two similar spiritual abuse stories Before I continue with this story, I can’t help but reflect on two similar spiritual abuse stories written by early contributors to this blog: Deep Wounds: Divorce, the Church, and God and Liberation from the Patriarchal Church. In both cases, these women asked for help from their church concerning their abusive spouses. Consequently, both women were accused by their churches of being responsible for their husbands’ abusive behaviors. What exactly is Spiritual Abuse? Beth Ann Baus writes in Recognizing Warning Signs of Spiritual Abuse in the Church, "Spiritual abuse might include: manipulation and exploitation, accountability enforced by threats, censorship of decision-making, coercion to conform, and the inability to ask questions or voice disagreement. The abuser might suggest they are in a ‘divine’ position and therefore require your obedience.’" What are the Signs of Spiritual Abuse and How Can We Recognize Them in the Church?, “Spiritual abuse is defined as the use of psychological and emotional manipulation, characterized by a systematic pattern of using coercive and controlling behavior within the teachings of religion. That is, spiritual abuse is the same as spousal, child, elder, or workplace abuse – it can be physical, sexual, or emotional. Because of the context, however, the impact is particularly widespread.” Michal J. Kruger explored the problem of spiritual abuse in his article “Standing Up to Bully Pastors.” He highlighted the case of Jerry Falwell, Jr., whose abuses included intimidation and other forms of bullying. It was only when evidence of sexual misconduct surfaced that the board of Liberty University confronted Falwell. Back to Eileen's story Back to Eileen’s story of spiritual abuse which began back in 2002. Why has the Roys Report choosen to feature it now? “On February 20, 2004, David Gray, a former teacher at John MacArthur’s Grace Community Church (GCC), was charged with multiple counts of sexual and physical abuse of children … Today, David Gray is serving 21 years to life for aggravated child molestation, corporal injury to a child, and child abuse … Just last Friday, the California Board of Parole denied Gray parole for 10 years.” That’s good, right? Yes, that part is good, but still today, John McArthur is the lead pastor of GCC and many in his church still support David Gray. This image is a recent screenshot found on the church’s website.  Unfortunately, spiritual abuse is not dead. Nothing seems to have changed at Grace Community. And it will not go away by closing our minds to it. Here are some articles that may help you, the reader, become more aware and more proactive in working to make spiritual abuse no longer acceptable within the church. Blessing,  AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her new memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace. Click on the image to buy Linda's new memoir, or order it from your favorite book store.
Oh, God, oh, God, help me, help me. This hurt is beyond hurt. Jesus, you understand betrayal. You understand what it’s like to be abandoned. Thank you for sharing my pain. You are the God of all comfort. You carry me when I cannot walk. Carry me now, Lord. Hold me tight. Hold me. Hold me. (from God, the Devil, and Divorce: A Transformative Journey out of Emotional and Spritual Abuse.) Those days and nights days following my devastating divorce are far behind me, but I will never forget my heartache and desperation. This bible verse spoke most powerfully to me then, and still does: You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book. Psalm 56:8 I visualized the Lord carefully placing each one of my tears in a bottle inscribed with my name, and I cried more tears, tears of immense gratitude that the creator of the universe cared intimately for me, understanding and even honoring my misery. The Lord didn’t take away my pain; He transformed it into the same feelings of love and protection I knew as a child when my mother rocked me after I’d fallen and hurt myself. Yes, my cut was deep, but I felt cared for and loved. I could believe God’s words spoken to the exiled Israelites in Babylon also applied to me: For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. (Jeremiah 29:11) I came to believe I would eventually heal. I don’t carry the memory of those days as a wound, but as a testimony to the healing power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 8:28 says, And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. That has certainly been my experience, as I have been fully restored and blessed beyond measure. I try to pay that blessings forward. Consequently, I try to pay that blessing forward. My time in the “refiner’s fire” has given me the ability to understand other people’s pain on a deeper level. I don’t try to fix their problems, but I walk alongside them and give encouragement. I can attest to 2 Corinthians 1:3, 4: Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble. The other day I was able to reassure a grieving family member. “When you awake in the middle of the night, sick with despair, when you cry out to God, wondering where He is in all of this, I can assure you He’s there. He’s the God of love. He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds (Psalm 147:3). He’s done it for me. Cry out to Him and He’ll do it for you.
For all those of you who are in a world of hurt, I’m praying the same prayer for you that the apostle Paul wrote to the early Christians: I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. (Romans 15:13) There will be a time when you too can praise God for what He's done for you. Then you can pay it forward.
divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.” Based on this passage, I was told I did not have God's permission to divorce, and I needed to stay in my unhealthy marriage. I had difficulty believing God wanted this for me, even though the bible is clear that God hates divorce. Other passages indicate that divorce is a covenant relationship. Preachers and theologians have also used this passage to insist that divorce is a sin. Eventually, I came to believe that my husband had irretrievably broken our marriage, and I discerned God's permission to divorce. Wrestling with the decision to divorce opened my mind to how controversial this subject is, and I continue to read scholarly studies, wanting to understand God's heart. David Instone-Brewer’s book, Divorce and Remarriage in the Church: Biblical Solutions for Pastoral Realities, makes sense to me. He writes, “My hope is that the church will rediscover the biblical principles that divorce should occur only when marriage vows are broken and that only the wronged partner may decide whether this will happen." He writes: There were no debates about the validity of neglect and abuse as grounds for divorce in any ancient Jewish literature, for the same reason that there are none about the oneness of God: these principles were unanimously agreed on. Rather than indicating that Jesus did not accept the validity of divorce for neglect and abuse, his silence about it highlights the fact that he did accept it, like all other Jews at that time. This acceptance of abuse and neglect as grounds for divorce indicates that those actions fall under the heading of marital unfaithfulness, as mentioned by Jesus in Matthew 5:32. A husband who neglects or abuses his wife is being unfaithful to her every bit as much as through sexual infidelity. The same applies to the wife. I also found Instone-Brewer's look at the concept of “covenant” to be enlightening. You may want to get a copy of Instone-Brewer's book to read more. I don’t believe that, if a marriage gets tough, the only answer is to leave. I’ve heard Christian people declare “God just wants us to be happy,” using that as permission to divorce. This idea cannot be found in the Bible. The following passage, written by the apostle Paul, is the bedrock of my understanding that we have a choice and how we are to make it. You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another humbly in love. For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: Love your neighbor as yourself.” (Galatians 5:13-14 (NIV) I believe God calls us to do our best to love our spouse and make our marriage work. I also believe this passage means we are free to make the choice to divorce if the marriage is irretrievably broken. We should not leave out of hate but rather seek to maintain agape love — love that is merciful, full of grace and unselfish, seeking the best for the other while maintaining respect for ourselves. Blessings,  AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her new memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.
Think back to times in your life when everything seemed to go wrong and all you could do was laugh at your predicament. Divorce humor is like that taken up a notch. Divorce can hurt so much, your mind just might take you to dark humor to relieve the ache. In my memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, I describe how I was so out of my mind with rage and pain immediately after my divorce, I took it out on some overgrown bushes. “I work like a madwoman in the yard, attacking the thick rhododendrons with my pruning shears even though I will soon have to leave this house. Whack! Whack! Whack! I’m sure I’m the talk of the cul-de-sac.” Yes, I was full of anger, but also aware on some level of the symbolism of my actions and how they signaled a woman betrayed to those around me. Dark humor indeed. Laughing at myself and my situation helped get me through those dark days. “Time heals all wounds,” my friends assured me. My sarcastic reply? “Time wounds all heals!” Did I really want to see my ex in pain? At some level, I certainly did! Personally, I wasn’t seeking revenge, but I wouldn’t have minded if his actions had resulted in appropriate consequences. And when I had an eye lift, only to discover my eyelashes had been burned off during the procedure, all I could do was shake my head in dark amusement at myself for trying to look more attractive. An encouraging sign of recovery was when I envisioned a friend trying to set me up with someone like my ex. “I want to introduce you to someone I think you’re going to like. He’s a Christian and a nice guy. His wife of twenty-five years dumped him, and he’s quite sad. He’s a bit overweight, I hear he snores like crazy, spends all of his time at the computer, wants to be waited on, and is a picky eater, but he really is a nice guy. Maybe a little passive-aggressive too, but nice.” I laughed at the thought, knowing I was finally free of putting up with my ex’s behavior, and believing I deserved so much better. Here are some divorce quips that might brighten your day: “When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn’t a sign that they ‘don’t understand’ one another, but a sign that they have, at least, begun to.” — Helen Rowland “You know why divorces are so expensive? Because they’re worth it.” – Willie Nelson "Love, the quest; marriage, the conquest; divorce, the inquest." – Helen Rowland “If marriage means you fell in love, does divorce mean you climbed out?” – Unknown “Divorce isn’t such a tragedy. A tragedy’s staying in an unhappy marriage, teaching your children the wrong things about love. Nobody ever died of divorce.” – Jennifer Weiner “Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.” – Oscar Wilde “You never really know a man until you have divorced him.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor “Although marriages traditionally begin with I do, when they fail, they invariably end with You don’t.” – Judith Viorst "Divorce is always good news. I know that sounds weird, but it's true because no good marriage has ever ended in divorce. That would be sad. If two people were married and they just had a great thing and then they got divorced, that would be really sad. But that has happened zero times." – Louis C.K. Being able to laugh at one’s terrible situation might be a signal that you’re going to survive and even able to laugh, not with sarcasm, but with joy again someday. That was true for me. I pray that will be true for you too. Blessings,  AuthorLinda is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her new memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace. She welcomes your comments and feedback. 
*I’m struggling to understand who I am — a weak sob sister, or a capable, confident woman. My counselor assures me I’m in transition. My life is rapidly changing as I struggle to find firm footing. I have to deal with mail coming for Jim. I have a problem with my new health insurance. I have to open a new bank account and close our old joint one. I cancel department store credit cards I haven’t used for years. After the unsatisfactory talk with the pastor about forgiveness, I’m looking for a new church. I have to find a cheaper place to live. I need a job. I need to make new single friends. I need to find my mind. After years of trying to fix my marriage, I’d felt God’s permission to leave. I’d been mentally preparing myself for a life after divorce, but, when it happened, I fell into a period of shock. What I didn’t understand was that I’d be entering the transition period between being newly divorced and eventual recovery. Whether or not you’ve made the decision to divorce, or your ex-spouse did, you will likely experience a time of transition similar to my own and to many, many others. Divorce is one of the most difficult transitions a person can go through. Divorce is one of the most difficult transitions a person can go through. Your sense of self is altered from being part of a union to being on your own in the world. If you have kids at home, you’ve now become a fractured family. Your financial security may be questionable. Your support system may change or even fail. You may even question your life’s purpose. Find comfort in the knowledge that you are not alone in this experience. Learning from others’ paths to normalcy and sanity may help you navigate your own transition with less trauma. Much information exists these days about divorce recovery and moving forward which is what most of us want to achieve. But before that successfully happens, we need to recognize the transition period that occurs first. Elisabeth Kubler Ross and David Kessler identified five stages of grief which have strong similarities with the transition period: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. It’s important to note that these stages don’t necessarily occur in this order, and we can find ourselves cycling through them more than once. I joked that “time wounds all heels.” It’s been said that “time heals all wounds" (In the angry stage after my divorce, I joked that “time wounds all heels.”), but we need more than just time. On my journey to divorce recovery, I became friends with a woman who had been divorced for several years. As we became better acquainted, I discovered that the mere thought of being in the same room with her ex threw her into a panic. She’d allowed her divorce experience to taint her view of all men. It even damaged her relationship with her adult daughter. For her, time did very little to ease her pain; she was stuck in the anger stage. I’m hoping that if you are in the transition period of divorce, the information I offer here can help move you through to hope and healing. I write from my own experience and that of several experts. Denial I’m obsessed with the fear that, by marrying Lady Friend, Jim will be making the biggest mistake of his life. I tell myself that maybe our marriage hadn’t been so bad. I send him an email, asking him to come back Night after night I dream of Jim. Sometimes he’s returned, and I’m so glad. Other times, I beg him to leave Lady Friend and come back to me. I wake from these nightmares to the void on his side of the bed and howl with rage and loneliness. You want your old life back. You want your old life back and you hold onto the hope that your marriage will be restored. You hope that by convincing your spouse you can change, he will return. Or maybe you enlist friends or your religious community to try to convince him to return. You beg God to fix the mess you’re in. The hard lesson is that you can’t control the thoughts, desires, or actions of another person. This was difficult for me to learn, but when I finally got it, I had to forgive myself for thinking I had the power to change my husband and the circumstances in which I found myself. I’d been begging God for years to fix my marriage. But I finally understood that, because He gives us free will, He wasn’t going to use my plans and intervene. Anger I drive down the freeway, pounding the steering wheel and calling him every bad name I can think of at the top of my lungs. I work like a madwoman in the yard, attacking the thick rhododendrons with my pruning shears even though I will soon have to leave this house. Whack! Whack! Whack! Bam! Bam! Bam! I hit at the legs, trying to loosen the old glue and nails [so we can move the table into my new office]. Bam! I’m shouting, “Take that, Jim, you SOB!” “How does that feel, Jim?” “You’re a stinking turd, Jim!” Bam! Bam! Express your anger in healthy ways. The most important lesson about anger is that it’s good to express it in healthy ways and then let it go. Try to recognize what actions and emotions trigger your anger. Don’t be surprised when your anger pops up unexpectedly, but try accessing it in a safe place like the privacy of your own home or with safe people. Physical workouts can help, too. “Multiple studies demonstrate that daily exercise, especially a program that includes aerobics, can prevent or reduce feelings of depression. Now, there is new information available about the possible impact that exercise might have on feelings of anger.”1 If you can’t seem to get beyond your anger, consult with a counselor who can help you explore its core source. Hanging on to anger is akin to swallowing hot coals that eat at your soul and keep you from moving forward. Bargaining I wonder what truly separated us. Besides food, work, and religion, had there been something else I didn’t know? Jim has been hiding behind his religion, but what does it matter now? I chastise myself for wasting so much emotional energy on him. I need to let God, who knows the whole truth, deal with him. Can't I skip it? You’ve had enough! If only you could skip the rest of this transition and be whole and well again. But that’s not how our brain and emotions work. Now that you’re beyond the angry stage (well, mostly!), you feel the crushing reality of your divorce. You turn to bargaining, also called “The Time of Understanding.” You may spend much time and mental energy restructuring reality. “If only I had…” “If he hadn’t…” “God, why did you let this happen?” None of this bargaining works in the end, and it’s a little crazy isn’t it? But somehow, many of us have to go through this stage of recovery. I love this quote by Mary Pipher: “To wish that certain things didn’t happen is to wish that I am not myself."2 Depression A friend tells me, "When your horse dies, get off." My marriage has died, but I’m finding that letting go is not so easy. Twenty-five years is a long time with someone. Someone else tells me that divorce is like removing ivy from a brick wall. Even though it’s cut off at the root, the tendrils still need to be pulled away, leaving the brick face raw. I have some painful pulling a way to do, and I’m already feeling raw. Although most of the time I believe I had every right—maybe even an imperative—to leave Jim, part of me is still processing this issue. My counselor is fine letting me talk it out. Because I’m such an emotional mess, he puts me on Paxil, an antidepressant, and suggests I write a list of what I know about myself. Depression can be scary! Depression can be scary but is a natural result of the trauma of divorce and nothing to be ashamed of. You may take to your bed for long periods of time. You may lose interest in food, eating only enough to survive. Personally, I lost quite a bit of weight on what is jokingly called the “Divorce Diet.” I was helped by joining a divorce recovery group and finding a counselor who aided me in regaining a healthy sense of myself. Force yourself to try something new that has sparked your interest in the past. I took up ballroom dancing and felt joy for the first time since the divorce. What can bring you joy? Letting Go I dreamt last night that Jim and I are still married. He informs me he’s fallen in love with someone else. I’m devastated, and I press him for details. He tells me it’s Pat, our friend. Oh, what a relief! What a relief to let go! As the great philosopher, Adele, sings: “It’s hard but we must we’ve got to let it go and turn off the urge to know what could have been.”3 You no longer work to try to change things that cannot be changed. You understand that you were not faultless in your marriage … that no one is … but you can forgive yourself and can even entertain the possibility of forgiving your ex someday too. You feel more optimistic and begin to make plans for your future. Acceptance I awake with these words in my head: Accept the love that had been there. You're able to look forward. The key to transitions is being able to say goodbye to what was so recently your reality, or what you perceived to be the state of your marriage. In order to move forward, you accept what has happened and learn to live with it. It helps to remember that endings mean that new beginnings follow. Now that you have experienced divorce, you will be changed. The transition process has been painful at times ... akin to climbing a steep mountain. You’ve come through the wilderness and have found yourselves again … wiser and more self-aware. You’ve discovered new strength you didn’t know you had, and you begin to look ahead with hope. You understand you have much to say about what those new beginnings will be. William Burges suggests we look at transitions as a natural part of life: “Endings and beginnings, emptiness and germination in between: that is the shape of the transition periods in our lives.” We may not recognize it as a pattern of life. Certainly, it usually happens on a less dramatic scale, but, if we can accept that transitions are a natural part of life, it will be easier to look forward to the new beginning we experience after divorce.”4 Faith played a big part in my divorce transition and recovery. Even though I was frightened by my circumstances, I clung God’s promise that He would not fail me, much like David in the bible. The following two bible verses especially helped sustain me: The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. Psalm 23 NIV For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jer. 29:11 NIV I don’t pretend to understand how God worked all this out, but I’m certain He had (and still has) plans for me, to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me a hope and a future. God has blessed me in ways I’d never allowed Him before I walked through the Refiner’s fire. When I was cut to the core, I discovered what is important in life and what are mere trappings. In the dark depths of the night, He cradled me in His arms. Now I feel His hand on my shoulder. I am secure in Him and nothing much shakes me these days. I know without a doubt that God is good all the time. I hope and pray you emerge from your divorce transition strong and at peace, looking forward to the future. Blessings,  *These quoted blocks of text are from diary excerpts in my recent memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce: A Transformative Journey Out of Emotional and Spiritual Abuse. See more here.
Chances are you know someone like her. I’d chatted with her a couple of times and noticed other people had kindly stopped to talk with her, too. But she doesn’t seem to have any real connection with any of us. I understand, as my spirit always takes a nosedive when I think about engaging with her followed by guilt for wanting to turn away. Oh sure, she’s clean and articulate, and I’ve discovered she’s quite creative and talented. Now here comes the “but”: she’s the perfect poster child for the Debbie Downers of this world. For sake of anonymity, let’s call her “Deb.” Don’t worry about her seeing this post and recognizing herself … she doesn’t have access to the Internet and her computer is in storage. And that's just the beginning. Deb has many more reasons to be down on life as I found out that day. The big number one is that she’s currently homeless and couch surfing. She’s struggling with getting unemployment pay. Being homeless, she can’t do her drawing because it takes up too much room and, besides, all her materials are in storage with her computer …. storage she’s struggling to pay. She misses her cat, which is staying with a “friend” who won’t let her see the cat. And on it goes. What tipped the scales for me though, was when she lamented that the treats the church was serving that day … apple crisp, carrot cake, and apple bread … weren’t cookies instead. I do feel sorry for her, and I’m frustrated that all I seem to be able to offer her are my sympathies and prayer. I’ve given up trying to make any suggestions. They are always met with “Yes, but …” replies. To be honest, I’m tired of hearing her sad story which never includes a positive note. My question is what am I going to do about my relationship with this woman? I think that very question is an approach that may help me answer the question. Sound convoluted? Be patient. I will eventually explain. First I'm going to go global and examine trauma and a radical method of overcoming it. Let’s look at three examples of people who were in unhappy circumstances and what they did about it. In her book, Taming the Dragons: Choices for Women in Conflict and Pain, Brenda Wilbee demonstrates to readers that there is always something we can do to change our circumstances for the better, no matter how small that change may be. One of her examples describes the horrible night her volatile ex-husband arrived and took many household items he declared to be his. That included her children’s only form of entertainment, their record player. Although Brenda was reluctant to stand up for herself, her motherlove propelled her to advocate for her kids. She summoned her courage and called her ex. Think how difficult that must have been, afraid he would be nasty, struggling to keep her body and her voice from shaking, trying to remain rational. As calmly as she could, she explained what the record player meant to their children. His response surprised her. Within the week, he brought a smaller player they could enjoy. Brenda was able to make a positive change by accepting that her ex’s behavior was awful. But, just maybe, if she made a small request without resorting to anger, she could cause the situation to become a little better.  An Oslo, Norway man had responsibilities which kept him from spending significant blocks of time camping, but he very much missed spending time in the forest. Accepting this reality, he came up with a simple plan … something he could do. He would spend one night in the same spot in the forest every month for a year. During that year, he learned “In the woods, there is no one to help you and nothing is going to get better unless you do something about it.” He observed each time he went into the woods, “that something had changed,” and that included himself. Maybe we’re caught by surprise, hardly able to believe the kind of situation in which we find ourselves. “Unbelievable!” we mumble under our breath or scream at the universe while shaking our fists. That’s where I found myself after my divorce. To put it simply, my husband had not been kind to me for years. When I finally got up the courage to leave, I discovered he had already found someone else and secretly married her within a month of our divorce. I nearly went out of my mind, not wanting to accept that he had cheated on me. I had nightmares in which I begged him to come back. It took a while to accept the fact that our divorce was as real as was his marriage, and it couldn’t be undone. When I was finally able to acknowledge those facts in my mind and body, I could take small positive steps toward my new life and begin the process of healing. All three of these stories illustrate accepting reality and making small changes to create a better future. Recently I was introduced to the psychological theory of Radical Acceptance. It seemed to me the practice formalizes a way to help hurting people, including those going through a divorce, to process their pain and move beyond it to a better future by choosing to view it in a non-judgmental way. Here’s a brief description of my understanding of how it works. How to Move on Through Radical Acceptance
Let's get back to Deb. Although Deb's problem isn’t about divorce, her outlook on life is an example of how those of us who go through trauma can be our own worst enemy by focusing on the problems we face and not on accepting the reality of our situation. We become stuck and don’t consider what we can do to change things for the better, even if the changes begin very small. I believe Deb might be able benefit from practicing Radical Acceptance, but here’s the thing, it’s not up to me to fix her. If I choose to engage with her again, I can ask her something like, “So, what’s your next step? What can you possibly do?” or I can choose to avoid getting into conversation with her. I’ll see what the Holy Spirit prompts me to do at the next opportunity. I’m very grateful for my own recovery, God's provision, and the help and guidance I received. My heart goes out to those who are currently suffering from the trauma of divorce. If you find this approach as promising as I do, there are several Internet sites where you can further explore this approach. I’d love to hear what you think of this method as applied to divorce healing. As for me, I think I'll change my motto from "Trust God and do the next thing," to "Accept what is, then trust God and do the next thing." Blessings,  Origins of Radical Acceptance AuthorLinda is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her new memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.  I welcome your comments and feedback.
Would you happen to have any pictures you can send me?” Would you happen to have any pictures you can send to me?” he asked. Many years have passed, and I’ve moved several times since the divorce. Thanks to the journals I kept, however, I remember my decisions on what to keep and what to eliminate. I’d felt great rage when I learned my ex had a serious relationship with another woman during the latter part of our marriage. My instinct was to throw out everything he’d touched. The pragmatic side of me prevented that from happening (well mostly), which left me with some tough decisions to make. What I learned from that experience may help those of you who are newly divorced to make good decisions about what to toss, what to keep, and how to do it. The following is in the order that makes the most sense to me, but your circumstance may dictate a different order. Get rid of (most) items that trigger bad memories Take inventory of your items and consider what they mean to you. Unless these are things your children might want later, dispose of them now. I found satisfaction in passing off to my soon-to-be ex those items that reminded me of unpleasant parts of our marriage. Here’s a journal entry from my memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, of our divvying up our belongings: Jim came over in the evening to get more of his stuff. I gave him some of our dishes and the tortilla press. When he saw the press, a half-smile passed across his face. He and I had attended a session at the Santa Fe School of Cooking, and he’d implied we’d try making some of the dishes together when we returned home. When I realized his help was not to be, I made the them by myself. He declared he didn’t like tortillas.” Are you moving? Sell or give away what you don’t like or have use for before the move Many divorces result in one or both parties having to move. The more items you retain, the more expensive the move. Again, envision what you want your new surroundings to look like and let those things go that don’t fit your new life. I began by selling a few antiques I would no longer be using to an antique shop. I employed a moving service as well as the help of family. When one cousin helping out admired a heavy chest, I gave it to him. I gave my ex the leather sofa and chair his cat had scratched up, plus our big bedroom furniture. This saved me a ton of moving expense and cleared the way for creating an atmosphere in my new place that was just for me. Another cousin helped me with a garage sale. From my journal: Ros comes over to help with my garage sale. I sell the tent that we seldom used along with silver, china, and the crystal Jim’s mother had given me. We do a happy dance when she totals the proceeds. After the sale, I take a big box of Jim’s things to the post office, remembering the character in the movie Saint Maybe, who spent her last dime getting rid of her ex-husband’s stuff. The postage comes to $16.00—a cheap price for “shaking off” more of Jim from my life. I felt fine giving up the idea of entertaining on a grand scale. Not only did parting with these things cut down even more on my moving cost, the sale helped pay for it! Focus on the benefits to you and others in selling or giving away items. What about the dog? You may have to decide who gets the pets. Hopefully you and your ex can avoid a custody dispute. If it comes to that, a judge will look at who took the most care of the pet. Try doing that yourselves without it becoming a legal matter. In our case, we agreed that my ex would get the cat that scratched furniture, and I would get the older cat and the dog, as those two had always been my primary responsibility. Since I wasn’t employed, my ex promised to take care of any vet bills that might occur. I suppose I should have asked for that promise in writing, but he did follow through even though he whined about it. Evidence of cheating Talk about triggering! If you have proof of his cheating during your marriage, what do you do with it? Simply tearing up the incriminating evidence and throwing it in the trash may not feel significant enough. I solved that with a lovely divorce ceremony attended by my pastor and close friends. During the ceremony, I burn our marriage vows and the papers from Jim’s desk that fateful night I discovered his betrayal —a receipt from Skamania Lodge [where he took his new woman for dinner] and programs from church services he attended with her. I resolve to no longer let those bitter memories have a hold on me. Instead, I’ll rely on the Lord’s help in creating a better future. Should you keep his name or “let go” of it? What if you change your mind? You might have several reasons for keeping his name including the perceived benefit for your children or if it’s part of your professional name. This decision will likely be included in the divorce decree. But what if you have second thoughts perhaps triggered by new revelations of your ex’s betrayal, and you feel you must rid yourself of his name? That was my experience. Since I’d had my ex’s name for twenty-five years, I'd decided to keep it. But after my ex secretly married within a month of our divorce, my eyes were fully opened, and I couldn’t get rid of his name fast enough. So much time had passed since I’d had my maiden name that I didn’t care to go back to it. I decided to keep it as my middle name and adopt a favorite grandmother’s maiden name as my last name. It turned out it was pretty easy to do. In a short while, I was before a judge and had my new name. I change my name on everything, even my car registration. I’m told it’s not necessary, but it’s necessary to me. I don’t want his name on anything of mine. The photo on my new driver’s license is one of my best ever. Here’s a link that tells how to go about changing your name: https://www.findlaw.com/family/divorce/changing-your-name-after-divorce.html Your wedding ring Your wedding ring may very well remind you of your broken marriage; so why keep it? Unless it's a family heirloom, you’ll probably want to part with it. If it has some monetary value, you may want to sell it or have it remade into a different piece of jewelry. Selling it can help pay for expenses related to your divorce, allow you to buy a new ring, or the money can be put aside for something special in the future for you or your children. My wedding ring had little value, so after discovering my spouse's duplicity, I gave it back to him. I want to tear Jim limb from limb. I tear apart a picture of the two of us and take off my wedding ring, one of the matching bands we’d had made by a Santa Fe jeweler, designed with circles (my preference), and squares (Jim’s preference). I leave the photo and the ring on his office chair. What symbolism! If I hadn’t gotten rid of the ring then, it would have been appropriate to do something with it at the divorce ceremony. Gifts from your spouse and mementos purchased together In happier days, your spouse may have given you some gifts that were both sentimental and valuable. If they were given to appease you, by all means dispose of them by selling or giving them away. However, there may be a part of you that still wants to hang on to some evidence of value in your marriage. Most likely there were some good things that occurred, and it’s all right to remember those. While you might not want to wear a dress he bought you, sometime in the future you might enjoy a special piece of jewelry or a work of art he gave you. I’m glad I kept the squash blossom turquoise necklace my ex gave me as a wedding gift. I also cherish an unusual collector’s items he went miles out of his way to get for me. Enough time has elapsed since our divorce, I can allow some memories of the good moments we had to warm my heart. Bedding and sleepwear You may want to discard everything that touched your ex’s skin, especially bedding and sleepwear. I certainly did. I gave all our bedding to my ex, perversely chuckling at what his new love might think of it. You might even want to begin anew with fresh towels. I revel in the freedom of making the interior of the townhouse my own. I indulge myself, buying yards of paisley-and-rose-patterned Ralph Lauren fabric and make a duvet cover of my own design. I’m crazy for paisley. I spend hours sewing, and it turns out well, with a big, contrasting welt around the sides and bottom. I also buy new sheets, untouched by Jim’s skin, and silk pajamas, giving me comfort these dark nights. When you can’t decide Create a stash. You’ve been having to make so many decisions your probably emotionally spent. Hopefully you have a space where you can keep a few boxes for items you’ve yet to decide upon. Give yourself a break. Put your feet up and take a breath. Maybe even a little snooze. At long last, I take a load off, resting in the old rocking chair while rubbing my hands over the worn raised pattern of the fabric. Rachel Cat jumps in my lap and almost tips me backwards. After regaining our balance, we settle in for a little snooze. I dream Jim has a choice between eating three pieces of bacon and saving our marriage. He chooses the bacon. Pretty accurate, I think, when I awake. What Not to throw Out Here’s what I suggest you keep. If you still have some things belonging to your ex, ask him what he’d like done with them. Create a filing system for important papers like your divorce decree, spousal support documents, papers relating to a house you may own, tax returns, etc. What about those family photos? Those may go into that stash to be decided upon later when you have more emotional energy. If you have children, they will probably enjoy having some visual reminders of happier times with your intact family. If the times were tough, if there had been abuse, perhaps the photos can help your children process that. What did I do about my sons’ request for photos of his father? I found a few good ones I’d kept in a basket of family photos. It had been years since I’d looked at them, and they were a nice reminder of the good times we’d had together. I scanned them and sent them off, at peace with how my life has unfolded. I applaud you for your intentionality in navigating the beginning of this new chapter in your life. My wish for you is that you can eventually find that same contentment I've found. Blessings on your journey,  AuthorThe quotes in this post are from Linda's recently published memoir. She is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her new memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace. I welcome your comments and feedback.
But when a woman loses her husband because of divorce, many people feel at a loss and end up doing next to nothing. Or worse … they abandon her altogether. Not only might she lose friends, but favorite in-laws whom she’s regarded as family may also depart. You’re a good friend and you want to support her. Here are some suggestion on ways you might be able to help.
I’m a firm believer in karma – what goes around comes around. Your friend is probably going through the most devastating experience of her life. Offering her support will likely mean everything to her. Hopefully you won’t have to go through a divorce yourself, but you may too need help from friends one day. Be grateful you are able to provide help for your friend now. Blessings on your journey,  AuthorThe quotes in this post are from Linda's recently published memoir. She is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her new memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace. I welcome your comments and feedback.
I recently heard a talk on how to help someone who is in crisis. The speaker stated that people experiencing trouble usually want to keep their problems to themselves, and the reason is often shame.“Shame” is the first issue we need to address here, as it can keep you (the divorced person) from receiving the help you need and deserve. Divorce happens to the best of us and to the worst of us. Fortunately, I felt no shame over my divorce and was open to receiving help. I was amazed and grateful for all the different ways I received help in the aftermath of my divorce, some of it I asked for, and some that seemed to miraculously appear. (You can read all about it in my recently published memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce.) Shame often points to pride The feeling of shame over a divorce often points to pride. You can no longer claim to have the marriage and life you believe you should have or that you deserve. Whether or not your spouse was to blame or you were, your new circumstances are the same. You are experiencing the trauma of divorce and you can probably use some help. If you are feeling shame, I urge you to let it go. In doing so, you will be open to accepting the love and support that is waiting for you. What to Ask For: Ten Suggestions Here are ten suggestions for friends, family, and professionals who might help you get through those first difficult weeks after your divorce. These folks may not know exactly what you need so go ahead and ask!
Of course you will be reasonable in the amount of time and energy you ask a friend to spend on your behalf. But what if the person says “No”? Someone once told me, “You’ll never know until you make your move.” I’m amending that to “You’ll never know until you ask!” Trust that the “Nos” and “Yeses” you receive will be okay, that the help you truly need will be provided at the right time. Blessings to you on your journey,  AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her new memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace. I welcome your comments and feedback.
|
Order Here!
Free Resource Downloads
12 Steps to a More Joyful Life after Divorce 30 Things to Do When You're Single Forgiveness Self-Assessment Resources for Healing from Spiritual Abuse 50 Divorce Recovery Books and Blogs Categories
All
My Perspective
|
RSS Feed