Help and Healing for Divorced Christians

Eight Tips for Redesigning Your Home after Divorce

9/8/2020

Divorce often brings with it a need to redesign your life. That redesign may include your home. Maybe your ex has taken some of the furniture. Perhaps you've had to move. Your new place might be smaller. Facing these changes can be difficult, but let's think of your new circumstances as an "opportunity." You may discover a silver lining. For one thing, you'll no longer need to please a spouse when it comes to decorating.

Creating a space to please yourself.

Altering your surroundings can boost your sense of well-being. Quite likely you want to create a space which feels secure and comforting. I speak from experience. Soon after my divorce, I began designing my new space just for me. Since then, I’ve discovered my urge to do so was a common one. While reading several divorce memoirs in preparation to writing my own, I found account after account of newly divorced women changing their personal environment to suit themselves.

In my one of my favorite divorce memoirs, How to Sleep Alone in a King-Size Bed, Theo Nestor tells how her redecorating began with an eye-opening realization. She could fix a cupboard by buying and installing a new knob—something her husband never got around to doing and something she had never before thought of doing herself. This simple task morphed into switching bedrooms around, an arrangement that worked better for her and her children. In turn, that decision meant redecorating those rooms. Not a handy person by nature, Theo discovered the therapy of painting over the old and rejoicing in the new. From then on, Theo writes, “we [she and her ex] both know this house is no longer our house, this house will belong to me and just the girls.” What a wonderful way of describing the feeling of control and effectiveness Theo had discovered after her divorce.

It’s said the best revenge is living well, and I had that in mind on the heels of my divorce. I happily gave my husband our leather furniture on which his cat had made its mark. That left me with just one living room chair and the entertainment center I’d designed and painted, making room for new possibilities. My ex could have the big heavy bedroom furniture; I didn’t want to move it one more time. I kept the almost-new queen-sized mattress but gave him the sheets. (What would his new wife do with those sheets I wondered sardonically.) As much as possible, I wanted to erase the reminder of sharing an intimate space with him.

Here’s what I learned as I first rented, then purchased my own home.

Take inventory
What furnishings do you have and which ones do you love? Perhaps there are family hand-me-downs infused with comforting memories. Does a piece remind you of an important moment in your life? Are there a few pieces which set the tone or style of your home?

Visualize your future.
Perhaps right now you just want to cocoon but can see yourself doing some entertaining in the future. Do you want to pare down your furnishings and create a clean, uncluttered look? Maybe you’ll decide to entertain more casually from here on out and decide to part with your big dining table and chairs. My choice was to keep my old oak Craftsman table with its four leaves and six chairs. I'd had that set before we married, and I was determined this was something my ex couldn’t take from me. My townhouse had only a small dining area, but I felt vindicated when I realized, if I swapped out a few pieces, I had room for the expanded table in the living room when I entertained.

Keep what works and let go of the rest
Are you left with items that bring back painful memories, but you can’t bear to part with them just yet. Think about keeping them in storage until you’re in a better emotional place to make a final decision. Maybe a family member would love to have the very thing you need to part with. If you must let it go, sell it to someone who will love it. After several moves, I no longer had space for my mother’s little childhood rolltop desk. The pain of parting with it eased when a small woman living in a small house was over the moon with delight in purchasing it. (Sounds like the beginning of a nursery rhyme, doesn’t it?) I smile when I think of her working at the desk illuminated by the antique lamp I chose to include with it. Have a yard sale with the rest.

Thrift shopping and a little TLC
If you're like many of us newly divorced persons, you need to be careful with your spending. I’m always amazed at the wonderful selection of used furnishings I see at our local Habitat for Humanity store. Bargains can also be found online at such sites as OfferUp, Craig’s list, Facebook Marketplace, and Overstock.com.
Sometimes, all a piece needs is a little paint to make something look brand new. My need for a living room chair drew me to my parent’s attic where I rescued a well-worn upholstered rocking chair and stool. I refreshed their look with fabric paint, and they proved to a perfect complement my other living room furniture. Although they didn’t appear brand-new, their wabi-sabi appearance (a Japanese term for imperfection) brought back sweet memories.

Repurposing
Can you repurpose some items? For instance, I repainted a little magazine table and hung a mirror above it in the small foyer of my “new” townhouse. Would a certain chest help keep you organized or serve as a stand for a TV? A tall cupboard that had been in the guest bathroom of my previous home became storage for my folded garments. Imagine the possibilities! The opportunities!

What one or two new pieces would make your heart glad?
A new carpet? A comfortable chair? It doesn’t have to be useful—perhaps it’s a painting. For me, it was a new red velour overstuffed couch. That piece spoke “comfort” to me and served as a sign of taking care of

myself. If at all possible, you’ll want to transform your bedroom, the most personal space in your home, beginning with a new bedcover and pillows. *”We need sleep to heal, restore, feel safe, be healthy, and calm our minds,” says Faith Sheridan who has degrees in psychology and interior design. Adjustable lighting is especially important, being able to have enough light to read in bed, and softer to sooth you as you prepare to sleep.

Paint the Town(house)
Hopefully, you’ll be able to repaint your walls like Theo did, if you so choose. Maybe your ex wanted only neutral wall colors, but you could use a dash of color. Go for it! When I purchased my townhouse, I went crazy with paint, experimenting with various techniques and even painting the once-dull parquet kitchen floor. I transformed my office walls were in dappled shades of sunny yellow. I envisioned a Coney Island vibe for the hall bath done in primary colors. (I completed the look with vintage photos of family members at the beach.) My bedroom walls were covered in calming pistachio with a glittery glaze peeking through. I reveled in it all.

Add greenery
Unless you absolutely have a brown thumb, consider adding plants to your environment. As living beings, plants can help us feel connected to the natural world. Indoor plants can boost mood, productivity, concentration, and creativity. They reduce stress and fatigue while absorbing toxins, increasing humidity, and producing oxygen in indoor air.
Personally, I love having live plants in my home. I once asked a fellow-plant lover what her secret to have so many beautiful, healthy-looking plants. “When one dies, I get a new one,” she told me with a grin. In other words, you’ll want to follow the recommended conditions for your new plants, but don’t be afraid of making a few mistakes when learning what works in your space. Your efforts will soon pay off. Indoor plants might even become your passion! Here’s a link to help you get started.

Visually transforming your home can have a positive influence on you as you transform your life. My hope is you’ll feel nurtured by your surroundings in this time of transition, and this transformation will be a sign of a new, hopeful beginning of your life full of yet-to-be-discovered opportunities.

*Quoted in the article “At Home in the Northwest: A Great Escape,” by Lora Shinn, The Seattle Times, 9/6/2020

Linda is a divorced and remarried Christian. Before taking up writing full-time, she was an interior designer and space planner for over ten years having studied Interior Design through UCLA’s Extension Certification program. Her romance, Home of the Heart, is based on her years as an interior designer.

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God's Provision in Tough Times

8/3/2020

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The Lord is not going to do the weeding for me. However ...

“Summertime, and the livin’ is easy,” goes one of my favorite songs I sing around the house. I do hope summertime has been easy for you. It’s not been so easy for me, but that’s the result of my choosing a large yard and garden with which to tend in addition to this writing life I continue to pursue.

Life is all about choices, isn’t it? All of us have made wrong choices a time or two, sometimes knowing they’re wrong but making them anyway. Sometimes, believing they are the right choice, but discovering later how wrong they really were. Experts encourage parents to let their children experience the consequences of their choices, unless of course, that choice leads to irreparable harm to themselves or others. I think of God as being a perfect parent. If we find ourselves in a dire situation because of a choice we've made, and cry out to our Father for help, He responds in ways that are in our best interest. (No, the Lord is not going to do my weeding for me.)

What am I getting at? If any of us are in a situation where we are emotionally or physically abused, I believe the Lord will help us find a way to escape. Sometimes that way can seem very scary or even impossible. It might mean leaving our family of origin. It might mean leaving our church. It might mean leaving financial security. The key is to trust in Him even when we don’t believe we can. That’s when the Lord really gets to work! That’s when we can experience the depths of God’s love. That’s when you can really begin the life of peace and love He wants for you. The Lord’s provision has been true for me, and if you are in a tough situation in your marriage, I pray it becomes true for you.

"Wherefore, be of good cheer, and do not fear, for I the Lord am with you, and will stand by you." John 16:33
Blessings,

Author

Linda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.

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Divorcée Grieves as Christian Friends Abandon Her

7/1/2020

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 I was surprised that they [Christian friends] would turn away from me in my time of need when I was feeling scared and needed support to move out.

This message to me opened old wounds. It's been twenty years since I divorced my husband, and yet, I immediately felt this woman's pain. I'd had a similar unwelcome experience back then. Here's this readers' entire comment.

As I continue writing for divorced Christians, I sometimes ask myself why I'm spending so much energy trying to raise awareness about divorce issues in the Christian community. I've thought perhaps that by now the majority of Christians and their churches have finally realized that God does not condemn us to harmful circumstances like marriages that can't be repaired. Don't they know He wants what's best for us? That being abused is the opposite? My heart sank when I read this woman's words. I so wished I could hug her. I immediately thought, "What would Jesus do?" I believed I knew the answer: Jesus would hug her, and he'd tell her He understood, assuring her He was already walking beside her as she moved into an uncharted future.

Those folks who call themselves Christians but turn their backs on hurting people, remind me of the Matthew 7: 9-11 (NIV) passage. "Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" Unfortunately, and obviously from my new friend's experience, we divorced Christians are still begging for grace and mercy. We are being given stones instead by certain segments of the Christian community.

I've written several blog posts on this subject, the most comprehensive one is "My Perspective: What I Believe God Wants Us to Know About Christian Divorce." Having an intellectual understanding of this issue is helpful. However, I wanted my new friend to be comforted on a more personal emotional level. Here's what I felt the Lord wanted her to know:

If you are like my friend, and you've been hurt by your church and fellow Christians, I hope you'll come to understand they are not speaking for the Lord. I pray you seek out those who are mirror the Lord's love, and that you allow yourself to comforted by His care and provision.

Blessings,

Author

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An Exciting Offer!

6/27/2020

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Keiko's Story: A Killer Whale Goes Home
is available exclusively for my newsletter subscribers

This coming Monday, subscribers will receive in their inboxes the first five-part installment of the PDF updated version of Keiko's Story. The beautiful and informative original book about Keiko, the orca whale and star of the movie, Free Willy, was available in schools, libraries, and individuals across the country before it went out of print.
The book begins with Keiko's journey of rehabilitation at the Oregon Coast Aquarium, and ends with his release to a sea pen in Iceland. But that wasn't the end of Keiko and his story. This new version will tell what happened to Keiko after that, and includes my own photos from the Oregon Coast Aquarium and his trip to Iceland.

It's not too late to get on board!

Subscribe to my monthly newsletter, Help and Healing for Divorced Christians, and I'll send you the information you need to be a part of this one-time offer.
But hurry! My offer expires at the end of this weekend.

Do you have young kids? This is a wonderful story to share with them.

I hope to hear from you very soon!

Blessings,

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The Futility of Trying to Fix Him

6/3/2020

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As I was working in the garden the other day, a neighbor stopped outside our gate to say hi. A good Christian woman, she’d recently remarried after being widowed a few years earlier. “How’s it going at your house?” I asked.

There was an awkward pause. “Uh, perhaps you haven’t heard,” she said finally. “I had to divorce my husband.”

He became a different person after our marriage.

After I told her how sorry I was, she explained. “Even though we’d gotten to know each other for a while, he became a different person after our marriage. He really changed. He couldn’t seem to accept my love, even though I tried hard to show it to him. And no amount of trying to talk with him about it made any difference. I couldn’t see living in a relationship like that the rest of my life.”
Let’s face it, when getting to know a potential mate, we’re typically on our best behavior as are they. True, we all change some over time, but usually a people’s core personality doesn’t change dramatically. What my neighbor experienced was a change in behavior, not a change in her new husband's true self. He’d simply taken off his phony mask. As painful as that experience was for her, in moving forward she was both lucky and wise. Lucky that he revealed who he was early on. She, being wise, could decide to leave before investing more time and emotional energy on him. She understood she couldn’t fix him.

We “know” our mate can be better.

What’s more difficult to see and accept is when the change happens gradually. We “know” our mate can be better. He’s demonstrated his goodness over and over again. And when he slips, we try reminding him who he really is. But people can’t hide their true selves from their mates forever. In my own failed marriage, I talked and pleaded and went to counseling, attempting to right our marital ship. Finally, I took a step back and looked at our history. If I were to create a chart of our relationship, it would look something like this:

I thought I knew what would make my husband happy and tried to get him to do what I believed. The heartbreaking truth was he’d showed me his true self over and over again. The person I thought I’d married had been a fantasy, and I couldn’t live in peace with the kind of person he truly was. I had to give up attempting to fix him, and I asked God to forgive me for trying to do His job for Him. As I recovered from our divorce, I gave up blaming my husband. He was who he was. I was who I was. Understanding this reality gave me a sense of freedom I’d not had in a very long time.
Understanding you can't fix your spouse can be liberating. You might want to try it.

Blessings,

Author

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Stay or Leave - You Have a Choice

5/19/2020

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It was a dark night of the soul. The pain of staying in my twenty-five year marriage was greater than the fear of what my life might be like if I left. Up until that moment, I told myself my husband’s abuse wasn’t all that bad—it was “just” emotional, not physical. I hadn’t wanted to traumatize our son with a divorce. I didn’t want to have to leave my beautiful home with a view of a dozen snow-capped mountains. I had health concerns and hadn’t had steady employment for years. How could I go out on my own? And didn’t God want me to continue trying to work it out?

Still, we’d been to counseling off and on for ten years. Yet my husband’s disdain for me, his emotional abandonment, had only grown worse. All hope of a better outcome had been chipped away. I couldn’t fool myself any longer. That night, I cried out to the Lord as I had many times before. But this time, it wasn’t to ask Him to help me make a better marriage or change my husband’s heart. This time I begged God to forgive me for having to leave. I cried with relief when I felt His understanding of my pain, and I knew I had His permission to make that choice.

God has given each of us an incredible and powerful gift
and that is our ability to choose.* Leslie Vernick

Whether you’re staying in a bad marriage, or you’ve decided to leave, you’re making a choice. If you’re staying, you might not see it that way, but unless he has you in shackles, it is a choice. Let me be clear, I’m not blaming you for deciding to stay. Perhaps your husband is violent, and if you tried to leave, he might harm you and the kids. You know that kind of thing happens—you’ve read such accounts in the paper. I’m not the one to advise you to leave, but I want to assure you that being abused is not part of God’s plan. I want to remind you that you have a choice to do something about your situation. A first step might be to contact your local domestic violence hotline to receive good advice and support. Or if you and the kids are physically safe, you might decide to find ways to focus on yourself and your kids while still in the marriage. Go to counseling to teach you how to become stronger. Stand up for your kids. You can do something. You can choose, even if it’s only one little choice at a time.

If you’re a Christian, perhaps you’ve been told God commands you to stay married unless your spouse has committed adultery. That’s certainly a belief promoted by many conservative Christian churches and pastors. I wrestled with this issue for some time myself, and written articles on this subject that may interest you. I believed, and still do, that unless we are unsafe in a marriage for any reason, we ought to seek counseling and do what we can to fix our marriages. But let’s face it—not all marriages are fixable, and God understands that. He’s given us and our spouse choices.

Leaving my husband was one of the most difficult decisions I’ve ever had to make. The Lord was with me every faltering step I took. Knowing that I wasn’t just a victim, that I had a choice, gave me the strength to forge a new life. Leaving was one of the three best choices I've ever made.

Have you made any difficult choices in your life? How has that worked out for you?

*Vernick, May 19, 2020 blog post

Blessings,

Author

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A Christian Question

4/30/2020

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“This is well written, Linda,” said one of my critique partners, “but I would never buy your book. I can’t relate to your struggle in deciding to divorce. I mean, I believe in God and all that, but trying to live by what the Bible says, besides a few basic principles, doesn’t interest me. Doesn’t God just want us to be happy?”

I smiled. “Aah, That’s an interesting question and maybe not as simple as you imagine. I’ll tell you this—if you haven’t seriously asked yourself what is pleasing to God, I wouldn’t expect you to find this story of value. But in the Christian circles that I’ve been a part of, there are men and women like myself, who do ask these questions. In fact, I would guess that divorce among Christians and their relationships is typically more angst-generating then in society in general. What especially interests me is the conflicting answers we come up with. That’s pretty much what my story is about, and those are the readers I want to reach.”

God, the Devil, and Divorce: A Transformative Journey out of Emotional and Spiritual Abuse, is not for everyone. And if you do read it, you may not agree with my decisions and conclusions. But it very well might get you to thinking and talking about this subject with one another. In my book, that’s a good thing.

Blessings,

Linda's memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce: A Transformative Journey out of Emotional and Spiritual Abuse is scheduled to be released in March 2021.

Author

Linda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir. She's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issue. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.

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God, the Devil, and Divorce Cover Reveal

4/24/2020

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I'm super excited to receive the final version of my memoir's book cover. I hope you like it! Here's a brief description of my story:
Deciding to divorce her crazymaking husband is the most difficult decision Linda has ever had to make. Condemnation from conservative Christian acquaintances piles on the heartbreak.
In her pain and confusion, she turns to God, trusting in Him. He delivers in ways she could not have imagined.

Available March 2021.

Blessings,

Author

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Joy in Tough Times

4/9/2020

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If you’ve recently been divorced, you may be in a world of hurt.
Finding joy may seem impossible. In addition, you’ve most likely been affected in some way by the current pandemic. How can you possibly find joy in all of this?

Webster’s dictionary defines Joy as "a condition or feeling of
high pleasure or delight; happiness or gladness."

Webster’s dictionary defines Joy as "a condition or feeling of high pleasure or delight; happiness or gladness." Yet, a different kind of joy can be found … not the giddy experience of being on top of the world, but a deep knowing that we are going to be all right.

The Bible has a lot to say about this type of joy. “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” (James 1: 2-4 NIV). This joy is about anticipation, believing that something good will come out of our difficulties. It’s not that we seek out these tough times … there’s no need to do that … most of us experience troubles in this life at one time or another. But when we find ourselves in the midst of those times, we can lean into them and find joy, believing we will become stronger for the experience.

One way to find joy is to bless others even when we are in the midst of our own pain.

One way to find joy is to bless others even when we are in the midst of our own pain. Here’s an example: Shortly after my divorce, I became part of a large singles group. I vividly remember a single mom with two children telling us what happened to her and her family that first Christmas after her husband had left. She was barely scraping by, but the three of them decided to bless another family who was also struggling. They gathered up what they could, put their finds in a gift basket, and secretly left the basket at the family’s door. On the way home, they laughed and sang, joyful in the gift giving. To their surprise, they found a gift basket waiting at their own front door. Their joy had been multiplied.

Personally, I discovered joy as my family and friends
rallied around me.

We may be so damaged in challenging times, we can barely function. It’s okay to just be, letting friends and family love on us. Frightened at facing an unknown future during my own divorce, I put all my trust in the Lord. I tell of that experience in my up-coming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce: “The photo on my new driver’s license is one of my best ever. I have a theory of why that is. I believe in times of great loss, we are at our most vulnerable. I’ve heard it called, ‘sacred time.’ Although I hurt to my core, I feel as if I have an aura protecting me. It shows in my countenance, and many people respond to me in a kinder, gentler manner than before.” I discovered joy as my family and friends rallied around me.

Although I have no desire to return to that place again, that memory remains deep in my soul. I grew emotionally and spiritually stronger through that trial. I was able to embrace the gifts that the difficult time taught me. As James wrote, I now feel more “mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

I encourage you to be open to the joy waiting for you during trials and recovery. As the Beatles sang, “in times of trouble … let it be.” God’s got you.

Blessings,

Author

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Why You Should Forgive Your Ex and How to Do It

4/2/2020

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Photo by Eugenia Maximova on Unsplash

The Benefits of Forgiveness
Maya Angelou called forgiveness “one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself.” Unrelenting unforgiveness traps us in the past. Forgiveness breaks the cycle of pain and victimhood we’ve been carrying, and frees us emotionally from the person who’s hurt us. Rooting out unforgiveness leaves room for joy in new experiences. My friend, Debbie Hucke notes, “[Forgiveness] releases the flow of God’s grace and His healing power.

The Struggle to Forgive
I knew that, as a Christian, I was supposed to forgive my ex. But I struggled, revisiting his many lies and the hurts he inflicted upon me. His betrayal haunted my nightmares and sprung up unbidden during the day. I could barely function. “Go ahead, Lord,” I urged, “roast him and toast him!”

“Betrayed” had become the narrative of my life.

I made an appointment with my new pastor, hoping he had the magic words that would help me with this task. “Forgiveness is absolutely necessary, and you should do it as soon as possible,” he responded. “Remember, God has forgiven both you and Jim.” He pointed to some of the passages in the Bible that deal with forgiveness.

“For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.” Matthew 6:14

“Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” Ephesians 4:31-32

There were more verses, and I knew them all. He might as well have said, “Just do it.” Did that help me? Of course not! I felt more shame and frustration for not being ready to forgive

What Forgiveness Looks Like
Forgiveness is a Process, not a onetime event
I hope by now that pastor has a better understanding of the forgiveness process. Forgiving doesn’t mean we immediately stop feeling hurt or we deny our feelings. I love what Nancy Richards, author of the memoir Mother, I Don’t Forgive You said in a recent interview with Kathy Pooler: “Forgiveness is not an event of immediacy. It’s not a bolt of lightning that brightens the soul and burns the pain to ashes. Forgiveness is a process; one that we must honor with our own healing timetable.” (1)

By acknowledging our pain, not just with our heads but with our whole being, we open the door for healing and forgiveness.

How to forgive
Ask God
God wants us to forgive, but He doesn’t expect us to forgive on our own. He’s a patient God, waiting to help us on our journey of forgiveness when we’re ready to ask Him.

Forgive yourself
In his book Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don’t Deserve, Lewis B. Smedes wrote: “[Forgiveness] cannot heal our narcissistic resentments toward people for not being all that we expect them to be … Nobody can forgive people for being what they are.” (3)

I had to shed the illusion that I could have somehow changed my ex into the person I thought he should be. Eventually I realized my resentment toward him was a waste of my good time. If I had anyone to forgive, it was me for being wrong in my belief I could fix him. I also needed to forgive myself for staying so long and letting him get away with his treatment of me.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean we shouldn’t protect ourselves
We can forgive someone even when we don’t trust them. An ex-spouse who has hurt us and remains unrepentant cannot be expected to change because of our forgiveness. I was relieved when I decided to hand over my ex and his problems to God. My job was to take care of me and my stuff. I practiced dealing with my ex as I would a business arrangement, spending as little emotional energy as possible. When the situation called for it, I sought to remind him, in a neutral manner, of his better nature. (I confess it took me a while to get to this point.)

Try empathy
You probably know your ex better than anyone else. Try to imagine what drove him or her to the behaviors that hurt you so much. Would a healthy person do the same? Probably not.

When I think of the parental abuse my ex endured during his childhood, my heart aches for him. That’s not to say I condone his actions, but it helps me see him as a vulnerable human being who didn’t have the capability of being the kind of spouse I needed or wanted. This realization has helped me forgive him.

Get help
I believe true forgiveness cannot be achieved in the midst of trauma. If you find yourself endlessly recycling hurt and anger as I did, get help. Many churches sponsor divorce recovery support groups led by people who understand what you’re going through. They’ll facilitate your learning how to heal and gain hope for your future. Individual counselors can be helpful, too. I took advantage of both. My counselor put me on anti-depressants until I was able to better cope. Through my divorce recovery group, I gained new friends as we negotiated our newly single lives. Healing and moving forward opened me to gradual forgiveness.

Use a little humor
Make a list of all your ex’s faults and put them together in a faux dating ad. Would you want to date that guy (or gal), let alone, be married to someone like that? No way!

Understand your power to forgive
In a Psychology Today article, Lisa Firestone writes, “Learning to forgive helps us to control our story and our feelings to avoid unnecessary pain. As powerful individuals, we can choose between living in a victim mode or an adult mode. In the latter state, we acknowledge and feel the full pain of what happened to us without getting stuck in a triggered state in which we feel it is still happening. We can feel our feelings without letting them overtake us.” (4)

Have I been able to forgive my ex, you ask. When some folks learn I’ve written a memoir about my marriage, divorce, and recovery, they assume I’ve done so to “get back” at him. Although there might have been some truth to that when I first began, revisiting my life has given me a more nuanced perspective. I see the whole man now, with both good and bad qualities. He’s someone I spent a great deal of my life with, and with whom I share a now-grown child. I have enough emotional distance now that he can no longer hurt me. I wish him the best.

Imagine you have the power to forgive. Can you feel your shoulders relax and your jaw unclench? Is your walk a little lighter? Just remember, forgiveness takes time. Be gentle with yourself as you follow the path of forgiveness, looking ahead to the many blessings that await you.

Blessings,

Author

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