Help and Healing for Divorced Christians
Recovering from Divorce?
Get Linda’s 12 Steps for a More Joyful Life after Divorce.
Recovering from Divorce?
Get Linda’s 12 Steps for a More Joyful Life after Divorce.
 As I was working in the garden the other day, a neighbor stopped outside our gate to say hi. A good Christian woman, she’d recently remarried after being widowed a few years earlier. “How’s it going at your house?” I asked. There was an awkward pause. “Uh, perhaps you haven’t heard,” she said finally. “I had to divorce my husband.” He became a different person after our marriage. After I told her how sorry I was, she explained. “Even though we’d gotten to know each other for a while, he became a different person after our marriage. He really changed. He couldn’t seem to accept my love, even though I tried hard to show it to him. And no amount of trying to talk with him about it made any difference. I couldn’t see living in a relationship like that the rest of my life.” Let’s face it, when getting to know a potential mate, we’re typically on our best behavior as are they. True, we all change some over time, but usually a people’s core personality doesn’t change dramatically. What my neighbor experienced was a change in behavior, not a change in her new husband's true self. He’d simply taken off his phony mask. As painful as that experience was for her, in moving forward she was both lucky and wise. Lucky that he revealed who he was early on. She, being wise, could decide to leave before investing more time and emotional energy on him. She understood she couldn’t fix him. We “know” our mate can be better. What’s more difficult to see and accept is when the change happens gradually. We “know” our mate can be better. He’s demonstrated his goodness over and over again. And when he slips, we try reminding him who he really is. But people can’t hide their true selves from their mates forever. In my own failed marriage, I talked and pleaded and went to counseling, attempting to right our marital ship. Finally, I took a step back and looked at our history. If I were to create a chart of our relationship, it would look something like this:  I thought I knew what would make my husband happy and tried to get him to do what I believed. The heartbreaking truth was he’d showed me his true self over and over again. The person I thought I’d married had been a fantasy, and I couldn’t live in peace with the kind of person he truly was. I had to give up attempting to fix him, and I asked God to forgive me for trying to do His job for Him. As I recovered from our divorce, I gave up blaming my husband. He was who he was. I was who I was. Understanding this reality gave me a sense of freedom I’d not had in a very long time. Understanding you can't fix your spouse can be liberating. You might want to try it. Blessings,  AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace. Are you a Christian with a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com
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 It was a dark night of the soul. The pain of staying in my twenty-five year marriage was greater than the fear of what my life might be like if I left. Up until that moment, I told myself my husband’s abuse wasn’t all that bad—it was “just” emotional, not physical. I hadn’t wanted to traumatize our son with a divorce. I didn’t want to have to leave my beautiful home with a view of a dozen snow-capped mountains. I had health concerns and hadn’t had steady employment for years. How could I go out on my own? And didn’t God want me to continue trying to work it out? Still, we’d been to counseling off and on for ten years. Yet my husband’s disdain for me, his emotional abandonment, had only grown worse. All hope of a better outcome had been chipped away. I couldn’t fool myself any longer. That night, I cried out to the Lord as I had many times before. But this time, it wasn’t to ask Him to help me make a better marriage or change my husband’s heart. This time I begged God to forgive me for having to leave. I cried with relief when I felt His understanding of my pain, and I knew I had His permission to make that choice. God has given each of us an incredible and powerful gift |
 Photo by Eugenia Maximova on Unsplash | The Benefits of Forgiveness Maya Angelou called forgiveness “one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself.” Unrelenting unforgiveness traps us in the past. Forgiveness breaks the cycle of pain and victimhood we’ve been carrying, and frees us emotionally from the person who’s hurt us. Rooting out unforgiveness leaves room for joy in new experiences. My friend, Debbie Hucke notes, “[Forgiveness] releases the flow of God’s grace and His healing power. |
The Struggle to Forgive
I knew that, as a Christian, I was supposed to forgive my ex. But I struggled, revisiting his many lies and the hurts he inflicted upon me. His betrayal haunted my nightmares and sprung up unbidden during the day. I could barely function. “Go ahead, Lord,” I urged, “roast him and toast him!”
I knew that, as a Christian, I was supposed to forgive my ex. But I struggled, revisiting his many lies and the hurts he inflicted upon me. His betrayal haunted my nightmares and sprung up unbidden during the day. I could barely function. “Go ahead, Lord,” I urged, “roast him and toast him!”
“Betrayed” had become the narrative of my life.
I made an appointment with my new pastor, hoping he had the magic words that would help me with this task. “Forgiveness is absolutely necessary, and you should do it as soon as possible,” he responded. “Remember, God has forgiven both you and Jim.” He pointed to some of the passages in the Bible that deal with forgiveness.
“For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.” Matthew 6:14
“Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” Ephesians 4:31-32
There were more verses, and I knew them all. He might as well have said, “Just do it.” Did that help me? Of course not! I felt more shame and frustration for not being ready to forgive
“For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.” Matthew 6:14
“Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” Ephesians 4:31-32
There were more verses, and I knew them all. He might as well have said, “Just do it.” Did that help me? Of course not! I felt more shame and frustration for not being ready to forgive
What Forgiveness Looks Like
Forgiveness is a Process, not a onetime event
I hope by now that pastor has a better understanding of the forgiveness process. Forgiving doesn’t mean we immediately stop feeling hurt or we deny our feelings. I love what Nancy Richards, author of the memoir Mother, I Don’t Forgive You said in a recent interview with Kathy Pooler: “Forgiveness is not an event of immediacy. It’s not a bolt of lightning that brightens the soul and burns the pain to ashes. Forgiveness is a process; one that we must honor with our own healing timetable.” (1)
Forgiveness is a Process, not a onetime event
I hope by now that pastor has a better understanding of the forgiveness process. Forgiving doesn’t mean we immediately stop feeling hurt or we deny our feelings. I love what Nancy Richards, author of the memoir Mother, I Don’t Forgive You said in a recent interview with Kathy Pooler: “Forgiveness is not an event of immediacy. It’s not a bolt of lightning that brightens the soul and burns the pain to ashes. Forgiveness is a process; one that we must honor with our own healing timetable.” (1)
By acknowledging our pain, not just with our heads but with our whole being, we open the door for healing and forgiveness.
How to forgive
Ask God
God wants us to forgive, but He doesn’t expect us to forgive on our own. He’s a patient God, waiting to help us on our journey of forgiveness when we’re ready to ask Him.
Forgive yourself
In his book Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don’t Deserve, Lewis B. Smedes wrote: “[Forgiveness] cannot heal our narcissistic resentments toward people for not being all that we expect them to be … Nobody can forgive people for being what they are.” (3)
I had to shed the illusion that I could have somehow changed my ex into the person I thought he should be. Eventually I realized my resentment toward him was a waste of my good time. If I had anyone to forgive, it was me for being wrong in my belief I could fix him. I also needed to forgive myself for staying so long and letting him get away with his treatment of me.
Ask God
God wants us to forgive, but He doesn’t expect us to forgive on our own. He’s a patient God, waiting to help us on our journey of forgiveness when we’re ready to ask Him.
Forgive yourself
In his book Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don’t Deserve, Lewis B. Smedes wrote: “[Forgiveness] cannot heal our narcissistic resentments toward people for not being all that we expect them to be … Nobody can forgive people for being what they are.” (3)
I had to shed the illusion that I could have somehow changed my ex into the person I thought he should be. Eventually I realized my resentment toward him was a waste of my good time. If I had anyone to forgive, it was me for being wrong in my belief I could fix him. I also needed to forgive myself for staying so long and letting him get away with his treatment of me.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean we shouldn’t protect ourselves
We can forgive someone even when we don’t trust them. An ex-spouse who has hurt us and remains unrepentant cannot be expected to change because of our forgiveness. I was relieved when I decided to hand over my ex and his problems to God. My job was to take care of me and my stuff. I practiced dealing with my ex as I would a business arrangement, spending as little emotional energy as possible. When the situation called for it, I sought to remind him, in a neutral manner, of his better nature. (I confess it took me a while to get to this point.)
Try empathy
You probably know your ex better than anyone else. Try to imagine what drove him or her to the behaviors that hurt you so much. Would a healthy person do the same? Probably not.
When I think of the parental abuse my ex endured during his childhood, my heart aches for him. That’s not to say I condone his actions, but it helps me see him as a vulnerable human being who didn’t have the capability of being the kind of spouse I needed or wanted. This realization has helped me forgive him.
Get help
I believe true forgiveness cannot be achieved in the midst of trauma. If you find yourself endlessly recycling hurt and anger as I did, get help. Many churches sponsor divorce recovery support groups led by people who understand what you’re going through. They’ll facilitate your learning how to heal and gain hope for your future. Individual counselors can be helpful, too. I took advantage of both. My counselor put me on anti-depressants until I was able to better cope. Through my divorce recovery group, I gained new friends as we negotiated our newly single lives. Healing and moving forward opened me to gradual forgiveness.
Use a little humor
Make a list of all your ex’s faults and put them together in a faux dating ad. Would you want to date that guy (or gal), let alone, be married to someone like that? No way!
Understand your power to forgive
In a Psychology Today article, Lisa Firestone writes, “Learning to forgive helps us to control our story and our feelings to avoid unnecessary pain. As powerful individuals, we can choose between living in a victim mode or an adult mode. In the latter state, we acknowledge and feel the full pain of what happened to us without getting stuck in a triggered state in which we feel it is still happening. We can feel our feelings without letting them overtake us.” (4)
We can forgive someone even when we don’t trust them. An ex-spouse who has hurt us and remains unrepentant cannot be expected to change because of our forgiveness. I was relieved when I decided to hand over my ex and his problems to God. My job was to take care of me and my stuff. I practiced dealing with my ex as I would a business arrangement, spending as little emotional energy as possible. When the situation called for it, I sought to remind him, in a neutral manner, of his better nature. (I confess it took me a while to get to this point.)
Try empathy
You probably know your ex better than anyone else. Try to imagine what drove him or her to the behaviors that hurt you so much. Would a healthy person do the same? Probably not.
When I think of the parental abuse my ex endured during his childhood, my heart aches for him. That’s not to say I condone his actions, but it helps me see him as a vulnerable human being who didn’t have the capability of being the kind of spouse I needed or wanted. This realization has helped me forgive him.
Get help
I believe true forgiveness cannot be achieved in the midst of trauma. If you find yourself endlessly recycling hurt and anger as I did, get help. Many churches sponsor divorce recovery support groups led by people who understand what you’re going through. They’ll facilitate your learning how to heal and gain hope for your future. Individual counselors can be helpful, too. I took advantage of both. My counselor put me on anti-depressants until I was able to better cope. Through my divorce recovery group, I gained new friends as we negotiated our newly single lives. Healing and moving forward opened me to gradual forgiveness.
Use a little humor
Make a list of all your ex’s faults and put them together in a faux dating ad. Would you want to date that guy (or gal), let alone, be married to someone like that? No way!
Understand your power to forgive
In a Psychology Today article, Lisa Firestone writes, “Learning to forgive helps us to control our story and our feelings to avoid unnecessary pain. As powerful individuals, we can choose between living in a victim mode or an adult mode. In the latter state, we acknowledge and feel the full pain of what happened to us without getting stuck in a triggered state in which we feel it is still happening. We can feel our feelings without letting them overtake us.” (4)
Have I been able to forgive my ex, you ask. When some folks learn I’ve written a memoir about my marriage, divorce, and recovery, they assume I’ve done so to “get back” at him. Although there might have been some truth to that when I first began, revisiting my life has given me a more nuanced perspective. I see the whole man now, with both good and bad qualities. He’s someone I spent a great deal of my life with, and with whom I share a now-grown child. I have enough emotional distance now that he can no longer hurt me. I wish him the best.
Imagine you have the power to forgive. Can you feel your shoulders relax and your jaw unclench? Is your walk a little lighter? Just remember, forgiveness takes time. Be gentle with yourself as you follow the path of forgiveness, looking ahead to the many blessings that await you.
Blessings,
Imagine you have the power to forgive. Can you feel your shoulders relax and your jaw unclench? Is your walk a little lighter? Just remember, forgiveness takes time. Be gentle with yourself as you follow the path of forgiveness, looking ahead to the many blessings that await you.
Blessings,
Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com
Author
Linda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.
I recently asked Marlene Anderson to tell us about her new book, Learning to Live Again in a New World: A Journey from Loss to New Life, that touches on an issue apropos to many who are going through divorce. Marlene is a licensed therapist, author, and speaker. Her website notes, “She is passionate about sharing God’s great love and transforming power and helping every woman discover her potential—Marlene encourages and motivates others who are going through tough times.” Here’s our conversation.
 Linda | Marlene, you went through a devastating loss when your husband died. Many of us who have been through divorce have experienced profound loss too. Can you speak to the universality of loss? |
 Marlene | Thanks, Linda. Yes, we often think of losses as something we quickly address and then move on with life as usual. But the more significant the loss, the more the impact it has on every area of our life: social, financial, personal, family, friendships, and our past as well as our future. There are many layers connected to our losses that require time to process adequately. A significant loss can trigger old losses from our childhood, and we feel those emotions all over again. Relationships within social circles begin to change. Conflicts with family or others may require intercession as we come to terms with difficult situations surrounding our loss. |
 Linda | You mention social circles changing. I know this is common after a divorce. That was true for me, as I had recently moved. I needed new single friends, but more basic than that, I needed to answer many questions about what my life would ultimately look like. It took a lot of effort to define and shape my new reality. |
 Marlene | With all endings, a transition is needed to leave one reality behind as we move to a new beginning. As we pick up the pieces of our life, questions bombard us about how and where to go from here. “What do I do now,” and “Will I ever be happy again?” We can experience a multitude of emotions and conflicting thoughts: shock, anger, fear, anxiety, relief, shame, guilt, etc. In that process, reflection is required, goals need redefining, and we need to answer the question, who am I now? I knew who I was yesterday, but who am I today? |
 Linda | I remember wishing I could speed up the process of divorce recovery. Can you speak to that? |
Divorce is a significant loss – it is a death of a marriage
 Marlene | Divorce is a significant loss – it is a death of a marriage that was important. It takes time to process any loss and it is important to grant ourselves that time. We can use that time more effectively when we come to terms with the unpleasant things associated with it. That can be more difficult because after a certain length of time, friends and family assume we have healed. They resume their lives, and we find ourselves alone, struggling to put the pieces back together. We begin to lose confidence and doubt ourselves and our abilities to make a new positive start. Age and circumstances can require a greater effort in restructuring our lives. Trying to find a “new” normal takes time and we might hurry through some important decision considerations. |
 Linda | During my divorce recovery, I had the opportunity to learn from other newly divorced singles about their recovery process. It seems that some people hide away and don’t want to talk about what they’re going through. I’m rather embarrassed to admit that I couldn’t stop talking about it! You are in uncharted territory |
 Marlene | Feedback from supportive friends and licensed professionals is important. We need validation for the turmoil of thoughts and emotions we experience. We need to find ways to get conflicting thoughts out of our heads so we can work more constructively with them. You are in uncharted territory. You have never been here before. Support is critical and sharing with others in a safe group, can be healing. In my book, I offer additional information about working through the more complex emotions of anger, shame and guilt in Appendix A of my book. |
 Linda | You’ve obviously thought a lot about how to recover from loss and grief. |
 Marlene | You're right, I have. Grieving a loss is more than just acceptance and letting go. It is about building a new reality within all areas of our life. We need information that can both help us understand and work with what we are experiencing, and the tools to create a new satisfying and meaningful beginning. Moving through that transition from ending to new life requires careful thought and personal clarification. As I moved from personal grieving after the death of my husband to acquiring more knowledge about grief and loss through continuing education courses, I began working with clients, individually and in group sessions. I soon realized that people wanted and needed more than just talking about their sorrow. And while there were many books available that spoke to those early days of sorrow, it seemed little information was offered to help grievers create a new road map moving forward. I began creating worksheets that addressed some of those conflicts and concerns. And this became the genesis for my current book. |
More about Marlene’s book:
Learning to Live Again in a New World: A Journey from Loss to New Life is divided into four parts. Part one addresses those early days of loss and part two speaks to letting go, putting your loss to rest. Part three looks at going through that transitional period between what you are leaving behind and how to begin again. Part four helps you assess obstacles, think through options and put together a new plan for your life. The two appendixes offer additional information on working through difficult grief emotions and offering and receiving support. There is a study guide at the end of the book that can be used in group settings, and it comes in hard or soft copy, e-book and audio book. The following link will take you to her book release page on Amazon.
I appreciate Marlene spending the time to talk a little about grief and why it's important to address the issue when it occurs in our own lives.
Blessings,
Learning to Live Again in a New World: A Journey from Loss to New Life is divided into four parts. Part one addresses those early days of loss and part two speaks to letting go, putting your loss to rest. Part three looks at going through that transitional period between what you are leaving behind and how to begin again. Part four helps you assess obstacles, think through options and put together a new plan for your life. The two appendixes offer additional information on working through difficult grief emotions and offering and receiving support. There is a study guide at the end of the book that can be used in group settings, and it comes in hard or soft copy, e-book and audio book. The following link will take you to her book release page on Amazon.
I appreciate Marlene spending the time to talk a little about grief and why it's important to address the issue when it occurs in our own lives.
Blessings,
Blog Author
Linda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.
Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? Or encouraged? There are hurting people who would like to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com
 | In my previous post, I explored the causes of feeling shamed by one's divorce. Here are some strategies for overcoming divorce shame. |
- Surround yourself with people who want to support you. For me it was a mix of family, a divorce recovery group, and new friends I found through a Christian singles group. Search for a non-judgmental faith community.
- Be willing to accept where you failed in your marriage, but don’t obsess about it. In and article for "Psychology Today," John Amodeo, Ph.D wrote, “Differentiate toxic shame from healthy, friendly shame. Recognizing the toxic shame that holds us back from being and affirming ourselves is a helpful step towards reducing it. Noticing healthy shame that informs us when we’re violating another’s boundaries and dignity can attune us to how we’re affecting people.” Understand you are learning and growing and becoming a better person from your experience. You are not defined by your past mistakes.
- Be open to self-compassion, recognizing and accepting your wounds. Don’t expect to make a quick recovery. You’re probably experiencing many changes since the divorce and need time to adjust. There may be days you feel paralyzed, and that’s normal.
- You may think you’ve conquered shame, only to have it show up again. If you can’t seem to let it go, make an appointment with your counselor. Believe it or not, simply by acknowledging you need help is progress.
- Be bold in finding the right professional with whom to talk. Be an advocate for yourself, and insist on finding someone who is right for you. I quickly discovered my first post-divorce counselor didn’t understand my faith issues. Once I was able to articulate what I needed, it was easier to find a counselor who suited me.
- Make an inventory of your worth and achievements. If you have trouble getting started, pretend you are your own best friend. What kind things can you tell her you see in her.
- Bring your shame to Jesus. He understands shame, having been mocked, spat upon, and finally allowing Himself to be killed. His Word reassures us of our worth (read Romans 8:1). If you are aware of any wrongdoing on your part, bring those to Him and He'll forgive you, releasing you from your shame.
If you've been suffering from divorce shame, I pray these suggestions will lift your spirits, and that you'll be able to move beyond shame into the light.
Blessings,
Blessings,
Author
Linda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. Linda advocates for the healing of divorce Christians, She invites them to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation of divorced people and become a source of healing and grace.
Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? Or encouraged? There are hurting people who would like to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com
When I married my current husband, our announcement carried the tag line, “Third time’s the charm.” Both of us had been married and divorced twice. Even though we were Christians, we were not ashamed to admit it.
But that wasn’t true for me in the first month after divorcing my husband of twenty-five years. I’m writing this post for those of you who were left by a spouse, and for those of you who had a need to leave for your own well being and/or for the good of your children. Let's first look at reasons for divorce shame.
Losing Your Title
Why are many of us ashamed, when almost half of all marriages end in divorce? I believe one reason for women is they may identify strongly with being wives. I once met a woman who had written a divorce memoir entitled, Once a Wife. I couldn’t relate. To me, losing the title of wife paled in comparison with loss of love, companionship, security, and other marital benefits. Come to think of it, I don’t know of many divorced men who are ashamed because they no longer have the title of “husband.”(Let me know if I’m wrong here.)
Anyone can get married. Any woman can find a way to become a wife. If losing the title of “wife” is your issue, be creative and give yourself one or two new, more positive titles to accurately describe who you really are … someone much more than a wife.
Why are many of us ashamed, when almost half of all marriages end in divorce? I believe one reason for women is they may identify strongly with being wives. I once met a woman who had written a divorce memoir entitled, Once a Wife. I couldn’t relate. To me, losing the title of wife paled in comparison with loss of love, companionship, security, and other marital benefits. Come to think of it, I don’t know of many divorced men who are ashamed because they no longer have the title of “husband.”(Let me know if I’m wrong here.)
Anyone can get married. Any woman can find a way to become a wife. If losing the title of “wife” is your issue, be creative and give yourself one or two new, more positive titles to accurately describe who you really are … someone much more than a wife.
Being Seen as a Failure
How about divorce seen as a sign of failure? Now we’re getting somewhere. Divorce is often equated with failure, and we are taught we shouldn’t fail, particularly with our significant life choices.
The Oxford dictionary defines failure as “the omission of expected or required action.” When we marry, we’re usually optimistic, “expecting” our marriage will last until the end of our lives. When it doesn’t, it’s easy to consider our marriage a failure.
How about divorce seen as a sign of failure? Now we’re getting somewhere. Divorce is often equated with failure, and we are taught we shouldn’t fail, particularly with our significant life choices.
The Oxford dictionary defines failure as “the omission of expected or required action.” When we marry, we’re usually optimistic, “expecting” our marriage will last until the end of our lives. When it doesn’t, it’s easy to consider our marriage a failure.
Removing our children from a toxic situation should not be cause for shame.
When there are offspring involved, there’s also the failure of providing them with an “intact” family. However, you know in your heart of hearts that staying in a bad marriage for the sake of children is often not the best for them. Removing them from a toxic relationship should not be cause for shame.
Since it takes two to make a marriage, it’s likely you’re not totally responsible for its ending. It does no good to beat yourself up for whatever you did or didn’t do. Learn from the past and strive to move forward. You are responsible for being the best you can be for your children’s sake. This includes keeping your relationship with your ex as civil and professional as possible. Remind yourself, a marriage which lasts forever, with one or both partners miserable, is not a successful one.
One more thing … We often learn more from our failures than our triumphs. If you’re anything like me, deciding to divorce took a lot of courage. And, although your marriage ended, good things (like your kids!) probably occurred while married. You haven’t failed completely. Your marriage likely had worth, and you can be grateful for the good you experienced and brought to it.
Rejection
There’s often an element of rejection in divorce. The desire to divorce is usually not shared equally between partners, and rejection stings! Self-doubt creeps in, followed by shame. According to Patrick Wanis, Ph.D., “If a person cheats on his/her spouse, the perceived rejection and betrayal can trigger feelings of humiliation when others learn about the betrayal, or it can lead to shame if the person who is being rejected blames him or herself and concludes ‘there is something wrong with me.’” "Why Rejection Hurts So Deeply – Heartache, Humiliation & Shame" Mar 23, 2016.
Since it takes two to make a marriage, it’s likely you’re not totally responsible for its ending. It does no good to beat yourself up for whatever you did or didn’t do. Learn from the past and strive to move forward. You are responsible for being the best you can be for your children’s sake. This includes keeping your relationship with your ex as civil and professional as possible. Remind yourself, a marriage which lasts forever, with one or both partners miserable, is not a successful one.
One more thing … We often learn more from our failures than our triumphs. If you’re anything like me, deciding to divorce took a lot of courage. And, although your marriage ended, good things (like your kids!) probably occurred while married. You haven’t failed completely. Your marriage likely had worth, and you can be grateful for the good you experienced and brought to it.
Rejection
There’s often an element of rejection in divorce. The desire to divorce is usually not shared equally between partners, and rejection stings! Self-doubt creeps in, followed by shame. According to Patrick Wanis, Ph.D., “If a person cheats on his/her spouse, the perceived rejection and betrayal can trigger feelings of humiliation when others learn about the betrayal, or it can lead to shame if the person who is being rejected blames him or herself and concludes ‘there is something wrong with me.’” "Why Rejection Hurts So Deeply – Heartache, Humiliation & Shame" Mar 23, 2016.
Believe him when he says, “It’s not you, it’s me."
The key here is to believe it when he says, “It’s not you, it’s me.” As much as you’d like to continue to be his one and only, he’s changed. He’s no longer the man he used to be, and that’s not your fault.
Divorce isn’t supported by your community of friends and family
Friends, family, perhaps even our children, can attempt to shame us when we fail to make our marriage last. We may be told we shouldn’t leave because we’d be throwing away all the time and energy we’ve invested in our marriage, as if we could somehow bank on such an investment.
Families may try shaming you for being the first to divorce, breaking their record of intact marriages and ruining their reputation in the community. If they truly loved you, they’d support you even though you broke their mold. Your family’s rejection can feel even worse than your spouse’s. Hang in there. When they eventually see how much happier you are forging a better life for you and your kids, they’ll likely come around. Besides, your happiness is the best revenge!
Divorce isn’t supported by your faith community
Being accused of turning your back on God and going against biblical principles when you choose to divorce can be devastating. I personally experienced this type of shame from my pre-divorce counselor, a pastor whose church I was interested in joining, and most upsetting of all, a conservative friend of my ex. This friend actually convinced me I should confess my sin to my ex, and ask forgiveness as well as reconciliation. Thanks to God, my ex rejected my request and I came to my senses.
Divorce isn’t supported by your community of friends and family
Friends, family, perhaps even our children, can attempt to shame us when we fail to make our marriage last. We may be told we shouldn’t leave because we’d be throwing away all the time and energy we’ve invested in our marriage, as if we could somehow bank on such an investment.
Families may try shaming you for being the first to divorce, breaking their record of intact marriages and ruining their reputation in the community. If they truly loved you, they’d support you even though you broke their mold. Your family’s rejection can feel even worse than your spouse’s. Hang in there. When they eventually see how much happier you are forging a better life for you and your kids, they’ll likely come around. Besides, your happiness is the best revenge!
Divorce isn’t supported by your faith community
Being accused of turning your back on God and going against biblical principles when you choose to divorce can be devastating. I personally experienced this type of shame from my pre-divorce counselor, a pastor whose church I was interested in joining, and most upsetting of all, a conservative friend of my ex. This friend actually convinced me I should confess my sin to my ex, and ask forgiveness as well as reconciliation. Thanks to God, my ex rejected my request and I came to my senses.
This mind set can cause years of toxic shame to victims who leave.
There are personal accounts on my blog by women who describe the shaming and shunning they received by their churches for deciding to divorce their abusive husbands. One of my posts “Domestic Abuse: How Churches Can Help instead of Hurt” describes a common problem in cases of divorce among parishioners: “Church leaders may even urge the abused to forgive and reconcile with their abusers, emphasizing a theology of suffering, and using Scripture to elevate the sanctity of the marriage covenant over the safety of the abused.” This mind set can cause years of toxic shame to victims who leave.
I'm sorry to end on such a negative note, but this post is too long all ready! Look for Part II, "What You Can Do About Divorce Shame."
Blessings,
Blessings,
Author
Linda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.
Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? Or encouraged? There are hurting people who would like to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com
He did you a favor by leaving. Those words may sound harsh, even bitter.
 | He left you … maybe your kids too … with a broken heart and a diminished bank account. How can you be thankful for such a situation? This may be a difficult concept to consider while you’re still hurting, but the truth is, you have the choice |
between wishing he hadn’t left and being okay that he’s no longer your husband. How is that possible?
Let me be clear, I’m not dismissing the loss of financial security you may have derived by staying in your marriage. He may have left you and your children destitute as well as reeling from the loss of love. Such treatment is horrible, and I’m so sorry. If you are both Christian, you may be sick at heart over his having left his faith too. But right now, let’s focus on you and ask the question:
Let me be clear, I’m not dismissing the loss of financial security you may have derived by staying in your marriage. He may have left you and your children destitute as well as reeling from the loss of love. Such treatment is horrible, and I’m so sorry. If you are both Christian, you may be sick at heart over his having left his faith too. But right now, let’s focus on you and ask the question:
Is the type of man who would leave, the right man for you?
None of us wants to feel rejected, even if the one who has rejected us isn’t good for us. In trying to undo the rejection, your ego may tell you to wish him back. Talk back to your ego! Tell it you need to get real and look at your situation differently so you can see the truth. Tell it you need to let go.
Ask yourself why you’d want this man … this kind of man … still yoked to you. Were you physically and emotionally safe with him? Have you been truly happy in your marriage? Has he changed over the years? Do you love him or do you love the kind of person he once was or you wished he was?
I ask these hard questions because for years I was the one who overlooked my husband’s hints he was not totally invested in our marriage. I dragged him to counseling several times without seeing permanent change. But I kept hoping he’d “see the light” and change as he promised. Your husband may have been more subtle, but I’m betting his decision to leave didn’t happen overnight, even if his sudden leaving took you by surprise.
Ask yourself why you’d want this man … this kind of man … still yoked to you. Were you physically and emotionally safe with him? Have you been truly happy in your marriage? Has he changed over the years? Do you love him or do you love the kind of person he once was or you wished he was?
I ask these hard questions because for years I was the one who overlooked my husband’s hints he was not totally invested in our marriage. I dragged him to counseling several times without seeing permanent change. But I kept hoping he’d “see the light” and change as he promised. Your husband may have been more subtle, but I’m betting his decision to leave didn’t happen overnight, even if his sudden leaving took you by surprise.
It's okay to express your anger.
If you asked, my ex would tell you I was the one who left. In a legal sense, it’s true, but he’d abandoned me emotionally long before our divorce. (Look for my upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce if you want the details.) And when he quickly remarried, he left me heartbroken as well as angry … angry with myself for investing so much time trying to make things better as well as angry with him. And yet, I had a hard time letting go.
You, too, may cycle through heartbreak and anger. A first step is to express your anger in healthy ways. Scream, pound your pillow, go to talk therapy … do whatever healthy things you can do to let it out and let it go. One thing that helped me was taking the shears to the overgrown rhododendron in my yard. “Take that!” Whack! Whack! “And that!” Whack! Whack!
He is who he is.
As the shock of my husband’s abandonment wore off, I began reading books, trying to make sense of what happened and working on forgiveness. Lewis B. Smedes stunned me with this observation: “[Forgiveness] cannot heal our narcissistic resentments toward people for not being all that we expect them to be — nobody can forgive people for being what they are.” (Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don’t Deserve, HarperOne, 2007) In other words, who are we to expect people to be any different than they truly are? Even God does not change a person’s will. My ex was who he was. He knew who I wanted him to be, and he chose not to be that kind of person.
My ego was stubborn and I didn't find it easy to fully understand this truth. It took me a while after the divorce to not wake up from dreams begging him to come back, and to truly believe I was better off without him. Sad for me, but as I learned to accept my reality, the more peace I found.
My ego was stubborn and I didn't find it easy to fully understand this truth. It took me a while after the divorce to not wake up from dreams begging him to come back, and to truly believe I was better off without him. Sad for me, but as I learned to accept my reality, the more peace I found.
Can you accept he isn’t the kind of man who is good for you?
If you had the chance to start over, knowing all you know about your ex now, would you choose to let him into your life? Can you accept he isn’t the kind of man who is good for you or will change for you?
Learning to live on my own after twenty-five years of marriage challenged and strengthened me. It unleashed multiple blessings in my life. I felt surrounded by both earthly and heavenly love. I even found a new passion in ballroom dancing.
Now that you’re free of your ex, you can open yourself up to more possibilities. His leaving has given you an opportunity to grow and learn and become emotionally stronger.
Learning to live on my own after twenty-five years of marriage challenged and strengthened me. It unleashed multiple blessings in my life. I felt surrounded by both earthly and heavenly love. I even found a new passion in ballroom dancing.
Now that you’re free of your ex, you can open yourself up to more possibilities. His leaving has given you an opportunity to grow and learn and become emotionally stronger.
Try this exercise.
Imagine, as I did, a friend offering to set you up with someone like your ex. It might go something like what I imagined in my journal entry if you substitute his worst qualities:
“I want to introduce you to someone I think you’re going to like. He’s a bit overweight, I hear he snores like crazy, spends all of his time at the computer, wants to be waited on, and is a picky eater, but he really is a nice guy. Maybe a little passive-aggressive too, but nice.”
“You’ve got to be kidding!” I’d say “I deserve so much better!”
I pray the Lord provides you with the resources you need to survive and flourish. I pray you wake up one day soon with a smile on your face, knowing you’re free of the hurt and anger of your divorce, knowing you deserve so much better, believing he did you a favor by leaving.
Wishing you every happiness,
“I want to introduce you to someone I think you’re going to like. He’s a bit overweight, I hear he snores like crazy, spends all of his time at the computer, wants to be waited on, and is a picky eater, but he really is a nice guy. Maybe a little passive-aggressive too, but nice.”
“You’ve got to be kidding!” I’d say “I deserve so much better!”
I pray the Lord provides you with the resources you need to survive and flourish. I pray you wake up one day soon with a smile on your face, knowing you’re free of the hurt and anger of your divorce, knowing you deserve so much better, believing he did you a favor by leaving.
Wishing you every happiness,
Author
Linda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.
Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? Or encouraged? There are hurting people who would like to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com
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12 Steps to a More Joyful Life after Divorce
30 Things to Do When You're Single
Forgiveness Self-Assessment
Resources for Healing from Spiritual Abuse
12 Steps to a More Joyful Life after Divorce
30 Things to Do When You're Single
Forgiveness Self-Assessment
Resources for Healing from Spiritual Abuse
Your Story
As long as you are hiding from your pain, you're hiding from helping other people.
Kari Oberbrunner - Author, speaker, coach.
Kari Oberbrunner - Author, speaker, coach.
If you're interested in sharing your story of divorce and the response of other Christians, email Linda at Linda@LindaMKurth.com for guidelines.
Release date: March 2021
My Perspective
What I believe God wants us to know about Christian divorce.
Recommended Reading
Instone-Brewer, David. Divorce and Remarriage in the Church: Biblical Solutions for Pastoral Realities, Downers Grove
Is Divorce the unforgivable sin? | Andrew Farley
Divorce and Remarriage | Andrew Farley
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Unless otherwise noted, all contents © 2017 Linda M. Kurth. If you quote this blog, please cite and provide a link back. Thank you.
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