Help and Healing for Divorced Christians

Never Too Late for Love

11/17/2020

“Happy Birthday, Sweetie,” my husband murmured sleepily as we awoke yesterday morning. I turned and kissed him, silently thanking God for the man He’d sent me eighteen years earlier.

I receive letters from newly divorced readers of my blog worried that they might never find true love. I tell them I understand their fears. I’ve been where they are now. Back then I’d dreamt of a third chance at love and a satisfying marriage. But what were the odds of me finding someone at my age?
“God doesn’t operate by numbers and percentages,” a friend reminded me as I worked on recovering from the demise of my twenty-five-year marriage — the one that was supposed to last the rest of my life. Here I was, 55 years old and trying to figure out my life.

I knew I needed healing and self-discovery before considering dating again.

I knew I needed healing and self-discovery before considering dating again. After going through counseling and “graduating” from several months of a divorce recovery class, I decided to branch out in new ways, including ballroom dancing. I began taking lessons and had the first genuine laugh I’d experienced since the divorce. I discovered I had a natural talent in that area, and it became a vehicle for interacting with men in a safe environment.
I made new friends through a singles group at church, and I purchased my own home.I decided to build a career for myself and went back to school. It had been years since I’d pursued academics, and those first classes were a challenge. Conquering them, though, increased my self-confidence.

When I felt ready to date, it was simply for male companionship. I made a vow to remain celibate until the right man came along and we married even though that meant I might be celibate for the rest of my life. Most dates weren’t too happy that I wasn’t into having sex with them, but this decision protected me from making choices based solely on emotion and physical attraction.
As I became more serious about finding someone special, I wrote down thirty — THIRTY! — characteristics in a man I’d want as a husband. I told the Lord I was in no hurry, and please, “don’t give me any substitutes.” Then, one evening, I met a guy who seemed nice enough, although his dancing skills weren’t up to my level. He soon fixed that by taking lessons. We talked frankly about ourselves and our beliefs, and I made him take personality tests! After earning the seal of approval from our church counselors, we were married six months later. He is the love of my life.

My recovery took time and had its setbacks.

My recovery took time and had its setbacks, but I made progress. To sum up, here are the actions and decisions I made that brought me to my current state of “married bliss.”

I sought help through counseling and a divorce recovery class.
I sought a fun activity that gave me confidence in my body and brought joy to my life.
I found friends in a singles ministry.
I furthered my education, positioning me to take better financial care of myself. This was another confidence booster.
I was brave enough to make big decisions (buying my own home).
As a single woman, I took time to get to know men in a safe environment.
I remained celibate while single. (This one is biblical.)
I knew what I wanted in a marriage partner. (Thirty things were a bit excessive but served as a good guideline.)
I was willing to wait and trust God for the right man.
Before making the decision to marry, we were purposeful in getting to know one another well.
We sought in-depth counseling through the church before marrying.

Writing about our courtship was my favorite piece of completing my memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce. If you’re wondering if you’ll ever find love again, I hope that by knowing my journey, you might be encouraged.

Blessings,

Author

Linda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. She is the author of the newly released eBook, God, the Devil, and Divorce: A Transformative Journey out of Emotional and Physical Abuse, available in paperback, March 2, 2021.

In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her blog posts, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.

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Divorce Is Tough – Even Tougher On Teens!

10/16/2020

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We all know divorce is tough on families. Everyone is affected, especially the children. In most cases, the older the children, the more complex the reaction and more difficult the adaptation. Why is that?

Rosalind Sedacca gives us insight into today's topic.

Older children have a longer history in the former family unit, regardless of how healthy or toxic it has been. Perhaps they remember better times when Mom and Dad interacted with them and each other with more joy and harmony. Even if there were no good times to look back upon, older children were accustomed to the existing family dynamic, knew their place in the structure, and felt a sense of comfort in “what is.”

Resisting change is a natural part of being human.

Resisting change is a natural part of being human. For teenagers that resistance is compounded by a tendency to test boundaries and rock the status quo. Divorce or separation naturally makes all children feel powerless over their circumstances. For teens, who are feeling their oats and less likely to listen to parental authority, this is especially hard to accept.

Teens are also more judgmental and opinionated than younger children. Consequently they are less likely to blame themselves for the divorce (as younger kids frequently do) and more apt to take sides and blame one of their parents. Many therapists see teens side with the parent who is

more permissive, taking advantage of the weakened parental structure to try to get away with more rebellious behaviors. Some teens choose to side with the more powerful parent – often Dad – to bolster their sense of security, even if they were emotionally closer to Mom.

Anger is a common reaction from older children.

Anger is a common reaction from older children. If they are not given the opportunity to vent, express their feelings and be heard, this anger often manifests as physical rebellion, drug or alcohol abuse or other inappropriate behaviors. To complicate matters, communication is often more difficult with teens who are acting out because they are usually less talkative, more likely to keep their feelings held in and more moody than their younger siblings.

With this in mind, how can parents bridge this communication and
credibility gap with their older children?

Amy Sherman, a therapist in private practice who has dealt extensively with troubled teen populations, makes these suggestions:
* Make your family a democracy. That means opening the door to listening to and “hearing” your older children, even if you don’t like what they are saying. Kids need to know they can express themselves without being disciplined or made wrong. At the same time, she warns against being too permissive which inevitably leads to exploitation from teens who are always testing their boundaries.

*Whenever possible, both Mom and Dad should talk to the teen together, discussing issues as honestly as is appropriate. All children are natural manipulators. Don’t let separation or divorce give them the opportunity to divide and conquer. Mom and Dad talking to the kids together, on the same page regarding family rules and values, is your best insurance for keeping older children as allies. Co-parenting after the divorce is your optimum goal. When that is not possible, keeping both parents in their parental roles goes a long way toward maintaining stability within a transforming family structure.

*Children need and actually appreciate structure, even teens. It creates the security they crave, especially at challenging times. Try to maintain boundaries as close to the pre-divorce reality as possible. When both parents share basic guidelines and agreements within the family structure, regardless of which house the children are in, they will feel safer and more secure. Your children will also feel more cared about and loved which is vitally important as the family moves into unknown changes and transitions.

*Remember, children of all ages mirror what they see. If your children are acting out, look within the family system for the cause. Get the help you need in making internal changes, and they are more likely to follow suit. At the same time, be patient, tolerant and understanding with yourself and everyone else within your family. This too shall pass!

Author

Rosalind Sedacca, Certified Divorce Coach is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach and author of the acclaimed ebook, How Do I Tell The Kids About the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide To Preparing Your Children -- With Love! She has founded CHILD-CENTERED DIVORCE MONTH in January.To get her free ebook, coaching services, expert interviews, programs, e-courses and other valuable resources on divorce and co-parenting, visit: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com

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Divorce Trauma and How to Heal

9/28/2020

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My ex was suddenly in the room.
“Let's pause the movie and make some popcorn,” he said, suggesting something we’d habitually done during our twenty-five-year marriage. I collapsed in a torrent of tears, knowing he couldn’t be real. We’d been divorced for three months, and he’d moved away. When I discovered he'd secretly remarried, I'd gone into shock. His apparition that evening was a sign of my struggle to deal with all that was happening to me. What I didn’t understand was that I was experiencing divorce trauma.

The divorce and shock of discovering my ex-husband's duplicity brought up big, soul-wrenching questions: Who was I? Would I ever feel whole again? Would I ever find love again? Then there were the more practical questions: Where would I live? What kind of lifestyle would my new financial situation provide? Would I have to find a job? Where would I find a church and local friends? (We had recently moved.) It seemed as if my entire future was a huge question mark, compromising my ability to cope.

Trauma can be manifested in several ways

Trauma can be manifested in several ways depending on the precise circumstances combined with the personality of the person experiencing it. If you’ve been divorced, you may recognize some of the symptoms on this partial list.

sleeplessness
nightmares
feelings of going crazy
episodes of rage
feeling numb
flashbacks or hallucinations
fear and anxiety

loss of appetite
deep sadness
guilt
self-blame
self-harm
replaying the memory of the traumatic event

In the aftermath of my divorce, I experienced several of the above (which I describe in my up-coming memoir). The good news is that my craziness after the trauma was typical and temporary. It was a phase, and phases pass. I couldn’t have articulated that truth at the time, but deep down, I understood it and was able to move forward.

Some ways you can
heal and thrive after divorce

If your trauma is severe, seek expert help. In her book, Post-Divorce Bliss: Ending Us and Finding Me, life coach and author Jude Walsh describes the PTSD she experienced following her divorce. She sought out medication to help her sleep and embarked on talk therapy followed up by eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) and tapping. Talking with a therapist can help make sense of even the most senseless divorce. I found my first therapist was not a good fit and managed to switch to someone with whom I felt to be a better fit. (It’s okay to advocate for yourself!)

Acknowledge your pain and loss. Through counseling, Jude was able to recognize the emotional abuse she’d experienced in her marriage, which in turn, gave her more empathy for herself. I allowed myself to cry my eyes out and to drive down the freeway where no one could hear me screaming in anger at my ex. I found those behaviors very cathartic and didn’t feel a bit guilty about getting it all out.

Forgive yourself. Yes, you made mistakes in your marriage because you are human. Perhaps you’ve developed some bad habits reacting to your spouse’s hurtful behavior. Acknowledging your part will help you break those habits in the future. You may find you’ve developed more empathy for others by going through your present pain. Remember, you did the best with what you had at the time, but you don’t have to stay there. Practice honesty, self-forgiveness, and self-acceptance. Know you are evolving.

Develop an exercise routine. Body movement is an excellent way of relieving stress and tension. Jude explains how, in the beginning, she overdid her exercise, but realizing that, she was able temper it. I worked out with a trainer which gave me a schedule and someone to whom I was accountable. As I grew stronger physically, I grew emotionally too. Eventually I took up ballroom dancing which brought me much joy and increased my social as well as physical confidence.

Expand your social network. A good way to find single friends and talk out your problems at the same time is through a divorce recovery group. Hearing other stories of divorce can put your own experience in perspective. I also joined a singles group at a large church which gave me a sense of belonging and provided opportunities for friendship.

Take charge of your finances. If you’re not sure about your finances, find a financial advisor to help you understand and plan how you want to handle your situation now and in the future. Better to know the truth than to have financial unknowns hanging over your head.

Create new traditions. Holidays can be especially hard after your breakup. Trying to replicate your marital traditions is likely to bring pain rather than joy. My solution for my first post-divorce Christmas was to join cousins. I so enjoyed catching up with them, and they made me laugh. Valentine’s Day can be even tougher. Single friends will likely be happy to join you in developing a new and meaningful celebration.

Stretch yourself. This might very well be an opportunity to reinvent your life. Try something you haven’t previously thought you were capable of doing. Go back to school, take up a new hobby, move to a new locale. What would it take to follow your dreams?

Don’t rush into a new romance. When you’re hurting, you’re vulnerable. Rushing into a new relationship could be a big mistake when you’re still recovering from trauma. You may believe this person will heal you, be the person you wish your ex had been, and fill the void in your life that was left when your marriage ended. Until you’re able to find yourself, you won’t have the discernment to choose a new partner. I waited a year after my divorce before dating again, and I'm so glad I did.

Practice gratitude. Let go of bitterness and practice an attitude of gratitude on a daily basis. As you wake up or go to bed, look for the blessing in your current situation. How has your life improved since your divorce? Hopefully you are now experiencing more peace and freedom in your life. One thing I loved about being single again was the ability to decorate my new place exactly as I wanted it. I gave my ex our big heavy furniture. Though I had a limited budget, I was able to go with a lighter look and feel. Every night, as devastated as I was, I thanked God for providing me with my needs, and for friends and family who came alongside me.

Understand you are in a trauma stage now. Take heart that stages do pass. If you are open to, and active in the healing process, life can become even better than before. That was certainly true for Jude. It was true for me. It's been true for countless others, and it can be true for you.

Blessings in your journey of recovery,

For more in-depth guidance on overcoming divorce trauma and forging a good, new life, check out Jude Walsh’s book, Post-Divorce Bliss: Ending Us and Finding Me.
You’ll discover my own story of marriage and divorce recovery in my upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce: A Transformative Journey out of Emotional and Spiritual Abuse.

Author

Linda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.

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Eight Tips for Redesigning Your Home after Divorce

9/8/2020

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Divorce often brings with it a need to redesign your life. That redesign may include your home. Maybe your ex has taken some of the furniture. Perhaps you've had to move. Your new place might be smaller. Facing these changes can be difficult, but let's think of your new circumstances as an "opportunity." You may discover a silver lining. For one thing, you'll no longer need to please a spouse when it comes to decorating.

Creating a space to please yourself.

Altering your surroundings can boost your sense of well-being. Quite likely you want to create a space which feels secure and comforting. I speak from experience. Soon after my divorce, I began designing my new space just for me. Since then, I’ve discovered my urge to do so was a common one. While reading several divorce memoirs in preparation to writing my own, I found account after account of newly divorced women changing their personal environment to suit themselves.

In my one of my favorite divorce memoirs, How to Sleep Alone in a King-Size Bed, Theo Nestor tells how her redecorating began with an eye-opening realization. She could fix a cupboard by buying and installing a new knob—something her husband never got around to doing and something she had never before thought of doing herself. This simple task morphed into switching bedrooms around, an arrangement that worked better for her and her children. In turn, that decision meant redecorating those rooms. Not a handy person by nature, Theo discovered the therapy of painting over the old and rejoicing in the new. From then on, Theo writes, “we [she and her ex] both know this house is no longer our house, this house will belong to me and just the girls.” What a wonderful way of describing the feeling of control and effectiveness Theo had discovered after her divorce.

It’s said the best revenge is living well, and I had that in mind on the heels of my divorce. I happily gave my husband our leather furniture on which his cat had made its mark. That left me with just one living room chair and the entertainment center I’d designed and painted, making room for new possibilities. My ex could have the big heavy bedroom furniture; I didn’t want to move it one more time. I kept the almost-new queen-sized mattress but gave him the sheets. (What would his new wife do with those sheets I wondered sardonically.) As much as possible, I wanted to erase the reminder of sharing an intimate space with him.

Here’s what I learned as I first rented, then purchased my own home.

Take inventory
What furnishings do you have and which ones do you love? Perhaps there are family hand-me-downs infused with comforting memories. Does a piece remind you of an important moment in your life? Are there a few pieces which set the tone or style of your home?

Visualize your future.
Perhaps right now you just want to cocoon but can see yourself doing some entertaining in the future. Do you want to pare down your furnishings and create a clean, uncluttered look? Maybe you’ll decide to entertain more casually from here on out and decide to part with your big dining table and chairs. My choice was to keep my old oak Craftsman table with its four leaves and six chairs. I'd had that set before we married, and I was determined this was something my ex couldn’t take from me. My townhouse had only a small dining area, but I felt vindicated when I realized, if I swapped out a few pieces, I had room for the expanded table in the living room when I entertained.

Keep what works and let go of the rest
Are you left with items that bring back painful memories, but you can’t bear to part with them just yet. Think about keeping them in storage until you’re in a better emotional place to make a final decision. Maybe a family member would love to have the very thing you need to part with. If you must let it go, sell it to someone who will love it. After several moves, I no longer had space for my mother’s little childhood rolltop desk. The pain of parting with it eased when a small woman living in a small house was over the moon with delight in purchasing it. (Sounds like the beginning of a nursery rhyme, doesn’t it?) I smile when I think of her working at the desk illuminated by the antique lamp I chose to include with it. Have a yard sale with the rest.

Thrift shopping and a little TLC
If you're like many of us newly divorced persons, you need to be careful with your spending. I’m always amazed at the wonderful selection of used furnishings I see at our local Habitat for Humanity store. Bargains can also be found online at such sites as OfferUp, Craig’s list, Facebook Marketplace, and Overstock.com.
Sometimes, all a piece needs is a little paint to make something look brand new. My need for a living room chair drew me to my parent’s attic where I rescued a well-worn upholstered rocking chair and stool. I refreshed their look with fabric paint, and they proved to a perfect complement my other living room furniture. Although they didn’t appear brand-new, their wabi-sabi appearance (a Japanese term for imperfection) brought back sweet memories.

Repurposing
Can you repurpose some items? For instance, I repainted a little magazine table and hung a mirror above it in the small foyer of my “new” townhouse. Would a certain chest help keep you organized or serve as a stand for a TV? A tall cupboard that had been in the guest bathroom of my previous home became storage for my folded garments. Imagine the possibilities! The opportunities!

What one or two new pieces would make your heart glad?
A new carpet? A comfortable chair? It doesn’t have to be useful—perhaps it’s a painting. For me, it was a new red velour overstuffed couch. That piece spoke “comfort” to me and served as a sign of taking care of

myself. If at all possible, you’ll want to transform your bedroom, the most personal space in your home, beginning with a new bedcover and pillows. *”We need sleep to heal, restore, feel safe, be healthy, and calm our minds,” says Faith Sheridan who has degrees in psychology and interior design. Adjustable lighting is especially important, being able to have enough light to read in bed, and softer to sooth you as you prepare to sleep.

Paint the Town(house)
Hopefully, you’ll be able to repaint your walls like Theo did, if you so choose. Maybe your ex wanted only neutral wall colors, but you could use a dash of color. Go for it! When I purchased my townhouse, I went crazy with paint, experimenting with various techniques and even painting the once-dull parquet kitchen floor. I transformed my office walls were in dappled shades of sunny yellow. I envisioned a Coney Island vibe for the hall bath done in primary colors. (I completed the look with vintage photos of family members at the beach.) My bedroom walls were covered in calming pistachio with a glittery glaze peeking through. I reveled in it all.

Add greenery
Unless you absolutely have a brown thumb, consider adding plants to your environment. As living beings, plants can help us feel connected to the natural world. Indoor plants can boost mood, productivity, concentration, and creativity. They reduce stress and fatigue while absorbing toxins, increasing humidity, and producing oxygen in indoor air.
Personally, I love having live plants in my home. I once asked a fellow-plant lover what her secret to have so many beautiful, healthy-looking plants. “When one dies, I get a new one,” she told me with a grin. In other words, you’ll want to follow the recommended conditions for your new plants, but don’t be afraid of making a few mistakes when learning what works in your space. Your efforts will soon pay off. Indoor plants might even become your passion! Here’s a link to help you get started.

Visually transforming your home can have a positive influence on you as you transform your life. My hope is you’ll feel nurtured by your surroundings in this time of transition, and this transformation will be a sign of a new, hopeful beginning of your life full of yet-to-be-discovered opportunities.

*Quoted in the article “At Home in the Northwest: A Great Escape,” by Lora Shinn, The Seattle Times, 9/6/2020

Linda is a divorced and remarried Christian. Before taking up writing full-time, she was an interior designer and space planner for over ten years having studied Interior Design through UCLA’s Extension Certification program. Her romance, Home of the Heart, is based on her years as an interior designer.

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God's Provision in Tough Times

8/3/2020

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The Lord is not going to do the weeding for me. However ...

“Summertime, and the livin’ is easy,” goes one of my favorite songs I sing around the house. I do hope summertime has been easy for you. It’s not been so easy for me, but that’s the result of my choosing a large yard and garden with which to tend in addition to this writing life I continue to pursue.

Life is all about choices, isn’t it? All of us have made wrong choices a time or two, sometimes knowing they’re wrong but making them anyway. Sometimes, believing they are the right choice, but discovering later how wrong they really were. Experts encourage parents to let their children experience the consequences of their choices, unless of course, that choice leads to irreparable harm to themselves or others. I think of God as being a perfect parent. If we find ourselves in a dire situation because of a choice we've made, and cry out to our Father for help, He responds in ways that are in our best interest. (No, the Lord is not going to do my weeding for me.)

What am I getting at? If any of us are in a situation where we are emotionally or physically abused, I believe the Lord will help us find a way to escape. Sometimes that way can seem very scary or even impossible. It might mean leaving our family of origin. It might mean leaving our church. It might mean leaving financial security. The key is to trust in Him even when we don’t believe we can. That’s when the Lord really gets to work! That’s when we can experience the depths of God’s love. That’s when you can really begin the life of peace and love He wants for you. The Lord’s provision has been true for me, and if you are in a tough situation in your marriage, I pray it becomes true for you.

"Wherefore, be of good cheer, and do not fear, for I the Lord am with you, and will stand by you." John 16:33
Blessings,

Author

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Divorcée Grieves as Christian Friends Abandon Her

7/1/2020

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 I was surprised that they [Christian friends] would turn away from me in my time of need when I was feeling scared and needed support to move out.

This message to me opened old wounds. It's been twenty years since I divorced my husband, and yet, I immediately felt this woman's pain. I'd had a similar unwelcome experience back then. Here's this readers' entire comment.

As I continue writing for divorced Christians, I sometimes ask myself why I'm spending so much energy trying to raise awareness about divorce issues in the Christian community. I've thought perhaps that by now the majority of Christians and their churches have finally realized that God does not condemn us to harmful circumstances like marriages that can't be repaired. Don't they know He wants what's best for us? That being abused is the opposite? My heart sank when I read this woman's words. I so wished I could hug her. I immediately thought, "What would Jesus do?" I believed I knew the answer: Jesus would hug her, and he'd tell her He understood, assuring her He was already walking beside her as she moved into an uncharted future.

Those folks who call themselves Christians but turn their backs on hurting people, remind me of the Matthew 7: 9-11 (NIV) passage. "Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" Unfortunately, and obviously from my new friend's experience, we divorced Christians are still begging for grace and mercy. We are being given stones instead by certain segments of the Christian community.

I've written several blog posts on this subject, the most comprehensive one is "My Perspective: What I Believe God Wants Us to Know About Christian Divorce." Having an intellectual understanding of this issue is helpful. However, I wanted my new friend to be comforted on a more personal emotional level. Here's what I felt the Lord wanted her to know:

If you are like my friend, and you've been hurt by your church and fellow Christians, I hope you'll come to understand they are not speaking for the Lord. I pray you seek out those who are mirror the Lord's love, and that you allow yourself to comforted by His care and provision.

Blessings,

Author

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An Exciting Offer!

6/27/2020

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Keiko's Story: A Killer Whale Goes Home
is available exclusively for my newsletter subscribers

This coming Monday, subscribers will receive in their inboxes the first five-part installment of the PDF updated version of Keiko's Story. The beautiful and informative original book about Keiko, the orca whale and star of the movie, Free Willy, was available in schools, libraries, and individuals across the country before it went out of print.
The book begins with Keiko's journey of rehabilitation at the Oregon Coast Aquarium, and ends with his release to a sea pen in Iceland. But that wasn't the end of Keiko and his story. This new version will tell what happened to Keiko after that, and includes my own photos from the Oregon Coast Aquarium and his trip to Iceland.

It's not too late to get on board!

Subscribe to my monthly newsletter, Help and Healing for Divorced Christians, and I'll send you the information you need to be a part of this one-time offer.
But hurry! My offer expires at the end of this weekend.

Do you have young kids? This is a wonderful story to share with them.

I hope to hear from you very soon!

Blessings,

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The Futility of Trying to Fix Him

6/3/2020

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As I was working in the garden the other day, a neighbor stopped outside our gate to say hi. A good Christian woman, she’d recently remarried after being widowed a few years earlier. “How’s it going at your house?” I asked.

There was an awkward pause. “Uh, perhaps you haven’t heard,” she said finally. “I had to divorce my husband.”

He became a different person after our marriage.

After I told her how sorry I was, she explained. “Even though we’d gotten to know each other for a while, he became a different person after our marriage. He really changed. He couldn’t seem to accept my love, even though I tried hard to show it to him. And no amount of trying to talk with him about it made any difference. I couldn’t see living in a relationship like that the rest of my life.”
Let’s face it, when getting to know a potential mate, we’re typically on our best behavior as are they. True, we all change some over time, but usually a people’s core personality doesn’t change dramatically. What my neighbor experienced was a change in behavior, not a change in her new husband's true self. He’d simply taken off his phony mask. As painful as that experience was for her, in moving forward she was both lucky and wise. Lucky that he revealed who he was early on. She, being wise, could decide to leave before investing more time and emotional energy on him. She understood she couldn’t fix him.

We “know” our mate can be better.

What’s more difficult to see and accept is when the change happens gradually. We “know” our mate can be better. He’s demonstrated his goodness over and over again. And when he slips, we try reminding him who he really is. But people can’t hide their true selves from their mates forever. In my own failed marriage, I talked and pleaded and went to counseling, attempting to right our marital ship. Finally, I took a step back and looked at our history. If I were to create a chart of our relationship, it would look something like this:

I thought I knew what would make my husband happy and tried to get him to do what I believed. The heartbreaking truth was he’d showed me his true self over and over again. The person I thought I’d married had been a fantasy, and I couldn’t live in peace with the kind of person he truly was. I had to give up attempting to fix him, and I asked God to forgive me for trying to do His job for Him. As I recovered from our divorce, I gave up blaming my husband. He was who he was. I was who I was. Understanding this reality gave me a sense of freedom I’d not had in a very long time.
Understanding you can't fix your spouse can be liberating. You might want to try it.

Blessings,

Author

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Stay or Leave - You Have a Choice

5/19/2020

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It was a dark night of the soul. The pain of staying in my twenty-five year marriage was greater than the fear of what my life might be like if I left. Up until that moment, I told myself my husband’s abuse wasn’t all that bad—it was “just” emotional, not physical. I hadn’t wanted to traumatize our son with a divorce. I didn’t want to have to leave my beautiful home with a view of a dozen snow-capped mountains. I had health concerns and hadn’t had steady employment for years. How could I go out on my own? And didn’t God want me to continue trying to work it out?

Still, we’d been to counseling off and on for ten years. Yet my husband’s disdain for me, his emotional abandonment, had only grown worse. All hope of a better outcome had been chipped away. I couldn’t fool myself any longer. That night, I cried out to the Lord as I had many times before. But this time, it wasn’t to ask Him to help me make a better marriage or change my husband’s heart. This time I begged God to forgive me for having to leave. I cried with relief when I felt His understanding of my pain, and I knew I had His permission to make that choice.

God has given each of us an incredible and powerful gift
and that is our ability to choose.* Leslie Vernick

Whether you’re staying in a bad marriage, or you’ve decided to leave, you’re making a choice. If you’re staying, you might not see it that way, but unless he has you in shackles, it is a choice. Let me be clear, I’m not blaming you for deciding to stay. Perhaps your husband is violent, and if you tried to leave, he might harm you and the kids. You know that kind of thing happens—you’ve read such accounts in the paper. I’m not the one to advise you to leave, but I want to assure you that being abused is not part of God’s plan. I want to remind you that you have a choice to do something about your situation. A first step might be to contact your local domestic violence hotline to receive good advice and support. Or if you and the kids are physically safe, you might decide to find ways to focus on yourself and your kids while still in the marriage. Go to counseling to teach you how to become stronger. Stand up for your kids. You can do something. You can choose, even if it’s only one little choice at a time.

If you’re a Christian, perhaps you’ve been told God commands you to stay married unless your spouse has committed adultery. That’s certainly a belief promoted by many conservative Christian churches and pastors. I wrestled with this issue for some time myself, and written articles on this subject that may interest you. I believed, and still do, that unless we are unsafe in a marriage for any reason, we ought to seek counseling and do what we can to fix our marriages. But let’s face it—not all marriages are fixable, and God understands that. He’s given us and our spouse choices.

Leaving my husband was one of the most difficult decisions I’ve ever had to make. The Lord was with me every faltering step I took. Knowing that I wasn’t just a victim, that I had a choice, gave me the strength to forge a new life. Leaving was one of the three best choices I've ever made.

Have you made any difficult choices in your life? How has that worked out for you?

*Vernick, May 19, 2020 blog post

Blessings,

Author

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A Christian Question

4/30/2020

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“This is well written, Linda,” said one of my critique partners, “but I would never buy your book. I can’t relate to your struggle in deciding to divorce. I mean, I believe in God and all that, but trying to live by what the Bible says, besides a few basic principles, doesn’t interest me. Doesn’t God just want us to be happy?”

I smiled. “Aah, That’s an interesting question and maybe not as simple as you imagine. I’ll tell you this—if you haven’t seriously asked yourself what is pleasing to God, I wouldn’t expect you to find this story of value. But in the Christian circles that I’ve been a part of, there are men and women like myself, who do ask these questions. In fact, I would guess that divorce among Christians and their relationships is typically more angst-generating then in society in general. What especially interests me is the conflicting answers we come up with. That’s pretty much what my story is about, and those are the readers I want to reach.”

God, the Devil, and Divorce: A Transformative Journey out of Emotional and Spiritual Abuse, is not for everyone. And if you do read it, you may not agree with my decisions and conclusions. But it very well might get you to thinking and talking about this subject with one another. In my book, that’s a good thing.

Blessings,

Linda's memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce: A Transformative Journey out of Emotional and Spiritual Abuse is scheduled to be released in March 2021.

Author

Linda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir. She's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issue. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.

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