Help and Healing for Divorced Christians
Recovering from Divorce?
Get Linda’s 12 Steps for a More Joyful Life after Divorce.
Recovering from Divorce?
Get Linda’s 12 Steps for a More Joyful Life after Divorce.
 An email I recently received: Hi. My name is Sara. I'm in a lot of emotional and physical pain. My story is a warning—I don't want other women to go through the same kind of abuse I'm now struggling to put behind me. My problems began over 22 years ago. The man I would marry was handsome, good with the children, and for the first six months, we were close friends. I was wary of the relationship becoming more serious because I'd been divorced and wanted to focus on raising my children and not to date. But he put pressure on me. He lied, telling me he had other women interested in him, and I needed to make up my mind. I became scared I’d lose him, and agreed to date. There were signs of odd behavior. Even in the beginning, there were signs of odd behavior, but I just overlooked them. I was still a broken person, as I know now. Two years after our relationship began, we were married. Things immediately began to change. He wanted control over food—if I didn’t get every drop of food out of a can I’d opened, he’d yell at me. I’m on long-term disability, but I allowed him to control all of my money, even though he didn’t share any of his benefits with me. After fourteen years of marriage and all kinds of abuse, I filed for divorce.  There was a deposition, and afterwards I was shocked when he professed his love, and said he would always love me. I forgave him and took him back. At first, everything was great, and then the crazy began again, worse than before—gaslighting, ignoring, blaming, and even refusing to bathe! In March of this year, my husband assaulted me which resulted in blood clots in my brain. Doctors tell me I have a brain aneurysm that makes it harder for me to think and write. I’m now on blood thinners, and there is nerve damage to my right eye. I can’t drive at night and I have problems with depth perception. I'm Scared. I'm lonely. I’m scared, I’m lonely. Some Christians believe I should just separate and not divorce. I do have some Christian friends who have witnessed my trials, and are supportive of me divorcing. I will get through this. God loves me and I know he wants better for me. I hope any of you out there, if you are lonely and abused like me, will call a Domestic Violence hotline. This is a trickle-down problem for the next generation. I hope this helps someone. It was nice to let this pain out. Love and hope to both men and women reading this who have suffered from abuse. Sara Note from Linda: I just received another email from Sara. I'm very stressed as I just received late in the day documents from husbands attorney. With lots of lies. "Sara" is not this woman's real name. Unless asked to do otherwise, I don't reveal the writer's name. I'm glad she is receiving support through the Violence Hotline and some Christian friends. I confess my frustration, and yes, anger, with those Christians who believe God wants victims of abuse to remain in their marriages. On the contrary, the Lord wants all people to be safe and loved. I'm praying Sara find that safe and loving place. I hope you're praying too. Blessings,  Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed or helped by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced opposing responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issue. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.
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 It's October, and the holidays such as Thanksgiving and Christmas are on the horizon. If you are divorced and remarried and part of a blended family, you may be wondering how you will negotiate these or other holidays this year. In the past, have the holidays found you in a tug-of-war with competing heads of other families for your adult children's attendance? In the beginning of our marriage, my husband Bill and I often found ourselves alone, and we didn't feel good about it. At the same time, we didn't want to force our kids forced to choose which family to visit. On occasion, we did get invited to attend an in-law celebration which we gratefully accepted, but we wished to entertain our kids and grandkids in our own home, creating our own traditions. We finally came up with a solution. We finally came up with a solution that has worked well for us. We've created "Thanksmas," a holiday between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Before Thanksgiving we group text the kids in order to set a date all can attend. Because they often have plenty of turkey and ham in other homes during the holidays, I usually make a different main dish such as pork roast. The kids bring side dishes. I hope the grandchildren will remember these "favorite things" as part of "Grandma's house" long after I'm gone.  One of my traditional Christmas displays I love to decorate for Christmas, and display many of the same decorations year after year. I always have everyone's favorite candy, cookies, and a big bowl of Japanese oranges waiting for them, especially for the grandchildren. I hope they'll remember these "favorite things" as part of "Grandma's house" long after I'm gone. Last year, we decided to try a solution for Christmas Day. However, this still left Bill and I with nothing planned for Christmas Day. Last year, we came up with a solution for that too. We decided to hold an open house and invite everybody we could think of! That's right ... everybody! It was a spectacular success. Seventeen people dropped in, some we hadn't known well. We loved the mix of church friends, workout people, neighbors, and singles who enjoyed getting acquainted with one another. Some brought food to share. Bill and I made too much, and were happy to send some home with our guests. I won't lie, it was a lot of work, but it turned out to be completely heartwarming. Our guests have encouraged us to make this a tradition, and we look forward to it again this year. You might say, Bill and I made lemonade out of lemons. If you and your spouse are feeling left out during the holidays, I encourage you to be creative and make new traditions that work for you and your family. Blessings,  Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed or helped by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced opposing responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issue. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.
It wasn’t until I went to my fifth or sixth counselor that I learned my husband was a “crazymaker” and what that meant. In my upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce: A Transformative Journey Through Emotional and Spiritual Abuse, I include a scene with that counselor. “Confusion and shame is exactly what crazymakers want their victims to feel. All these things you’ve told me about Jim—saying one thing and then later, the opposite without acknowledging the difference, his lack of empathy for your physical and emotional state, trying to make you seem the bad one in the relationship, encouraging you to doubt your feelings—they convince me he’s a crazymaker,” she told me. My counselor warned me that crazymakers are not likely to change. I didn't have the tools to try to effect that change, and, after twenty-five years, I finally left. It wasn’t until I began writing the memoir that I understood the extent of my husband’s crazymaking. Here are eight of several types of crazymaking behavior. Crazymakers will--
These are but a few of the techniques crazymakers use to gain control over their close relations. Please note that my references here are all about men, but women can be crazymakers, too. If you suspect you are dealing with a crazymaker, I suggest you get counseling with a professional who understands this personality type. As for my question, did my husband love me? You'll have to read the memoir when it comes out. Blessings,  Psychology Today’s article, “How to Handle a Crazymaker,” explains crazymaking and offers suggestions for dealing with this personality type. David Hawkins’ book, Dealing with the Crazymakers in Your Life, is also helpful. Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.  I needed advice. My marriage of twenty-five years was in shambles. Years of counseling had not helped us fix our problems, so I made an appointment with the women’s pastor at my new church. “Your decision to stay or go should be based on what God wants you to do or not do. You should be asking Him what He wants from you in your marriage. If you’re leaving to escape the pain, you’ll only find more pain.” My heart sank. This woman was half right about my motivation for wanting to leave; I was seeking to relieve the pain. Happiness was too much to ask for. I also knew she was right that I should talk with God about what He wanted me to do. The problem was, I’d been seeking God’s guidance for several years, and still I had no clear answer. I’d stumbled along, doing the best I knew how to make my marriage work. But, despite my efforts, it continued to get worse. Nevertheless, according to this woman, if I left, I would be facing more pain rather than the relief I was seeking. How God Views Divorce If we believe God causes all things to work together for good to those who love Him, to those who are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28), does that mean that God will work all difficult marriages for good? Always? Is this passage calling us to endure suffering in marriage for the sake of righteousness? And if we choose to divorce despite believing that, will we miss out on God’s working for our good? More than one Christian warned me that this would be my fate. Since I’ve written other posts on this subject, I’ll sum up my understanding here. God calls some of us to stay in difficult marriages, and others He releases from those marriages. I believe He called me to remain in my marriage for as long as I did. During that time, He worked many things for my good. I also believe He released me when the time was right. Want my 12 Steps for a more joyful life after divorce? What the Research Says In reading research on this subject, I learned that the answer to the happiness question varies. A report by the Institute for American Values, “Does Divorce Make People Happier?” found that divorced people are no happier than unhappy couples who choose to stay married. Pepper Schwartz, author of the book Everything You Know about Love and Sex Is Wrong, says this is a flawed study because it included separated people who are most likely to be unhappy. She says data shows that divorced people become happier when the divorce is behind them. A study by the University of Arizona and University of Colorado Boulder, rated types of marriages to determine if women were happier after divorce. Researchers found that women in troubled marriages were much happier after they divorced compared to women who remained married. “Those in the poorest quality relationships may face a variety of negative stressors from which divorce provides a clear relief,” the authors wrote. In an online survey of 2,000 U.S. adults by Avvo, a legal research company, 75 percent of divorced women report having no regrets over the decision to divorce. Sixty-one percent of divorced men say the same. Results of other studies vary. I believe many factors influence the level of happiness of a marriage. Factors may include physical and emotional abuse, age of children and one’s spouse’s influence on the children, finances, fidelity or lack thereof, clashing philosophies and religious beliefs, intimacy issues, different priorities and interests, and inability to resolve conflicts. Issues influencing happiness after divorce include care of children, finances and other assets, support from family and friends, level of education, level of religious faith and support, relationship with the ex, and state of mind to name a few. Feeling Happier Takes Time Be in charge of your happiness, but be patient. Take time for mourning the loss of the hopes and dreams you had for your marriage. Ask the Lord to reveal to you your part in the relationships failure. Revisit why you chose your spouse is helpful. Trying to fill the void right away with someone else rarely ends well. The period immediately after my own divorce was painful. Learning to live on my own after twenty-five years was a huge adjustment. Then, discovering that my husband had remarried within a short time of the divorce, as if our marriage had meant nothing to him, sent me into a tailspin. But I learned to lean on the Lord, and I made the choice to be happy. My divorce did not result in missing out on God’s blessings; He has blessed me abundantly. Leaving was the hardest decision I’ve ever made, but I’m so glad I made that choice. For more ways to experience happiness after divorce, check out my 12 Steps for a More Joyful Life after Divorce. Click here. Blessings,  Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.  Most of us who have been through a divorce have experienced loss. My upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, begins as I say goodbye to the beautiful home my husband and I built. From almost every window of that house could be seen a dozen snow-cap mountains. But even more heartbreaking to leave than the view was the little play room under the stairs we called the Elfery. I'd spent many an hour making it special. Friends, young and old, came to love it as I did. I would be leaving those friends too.  Elfery Courtyard w/ hand painted ivy and welcome mat We moved because of my husband's work, but I suspected the end of my marriage would soon follow. The couple who bought the house said they'd use the Elfery for their two big dogs. I tried not to think of the results. In fact I tried not to look back at all. In leaving, I had to part with many things, but I took the Elfery furnishings with me, including the fake logs in the fireplace, hoping someday I might have another Elfery.  As much as I hated to leave my house, and eventually my husband, I knew I had to let go. Only then would I have room for good things to follow. I now have a loving husband, a house I love (it's perfect for us), and a little "Elfery niche" for our young grand-daughter (and me, of course). But there's no fireplace for those logs. Although I'd left the house behind and moved on, I hadn't realized I still had a bit of unfinished business concerning it. I happened to be visiting the area while on vacation last month. "Might as well see how my house is doing," I said to myself. That's when a sort of miracle occurred. As luck (?) would have it, the owner of the house caught me looking at her house and invited me in. She took me through the downstairs, showing me the beautiful changes made by her and previous owners. She was very interested in learning some of the history of the place, and I filled her in. With my heart beating, I finally asked, "Does there happen to be a little play space under the stairs? "Oh, yes!" she replied. "Do you want to see it?" Of course I did! To my relief, there was no evidence of big dogs having ruined the space. The wallpaper, shelving, and fireplace were all in good shape, and the little room was filed with a play kitchen and other toys. Just as I was exiting, a little boy ran down the hall, hugged his grandma, and dove into the Elfery. A little older girl followed. "They love this place!" my host told me. "Now we have a face to go with the creative force behind it." When I returned home from vacation, I boxed up the logs and sent them back to the Elfery, thanking the woman for the tour. Today, I received this email message: Thank you so much for the fireplace logs for the Elfery! They are in place and add such a wonderful glow to the space. We were calling it The Hobbit Room and are happy to know it’s real name. It will be the Elfery from now on. We all love it and are grateful for it’s creation. To know my home and the Elfery are loved and well-taken care of warms my heart more than I can explain. Often times, letting go of things we've loved, blesses others, and those blessings come back to us two-fold as they have for me. Blessings,  AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace. Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? Or encouraged? There are hurting people who would like to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com
Between admiring my brother’s new home in Central Oregon, taking a couple of hikes, sharing meals, and catching up with the news of each other’s kids, we reminisced about our childhood. My brother and I had good parents who loved us deeply, and we’d returned that love. However, all was not harmonious between me and my dad. I had an independent spirit, and often bristled when Dad tried to tell me how I should do things. “I can do it myself!” was my ready retort. I intuitively felt his “helping” meant I wasn’t capable, but I didn't have the language to understand or articulate the problem. Dad had difficulty dealing with my attitude. Dad had difficulty dealing with my attitude. My brother didn’t seem to have the same issue as I, and I saw that as a sign I was deficient. I was surprised when my brother brought up the subject of Dad’s “helpfulness” during my visit. “Dad got under my skin too,” he told me. He described a particular time he’d rather heatedly asked our father to back off with his advice. Dad’s feelings were hurt because he genuinely believed he’d been helping. I’m giving my younger self a hug and a “you-go-girl” for my desire to learn and grow in my own way. Learning, after all these years, I was not alone in my “sensitivity” to Dad’s suggestions, was an eye-opener. I see now I’ve always had an innate sense of independence that might have served me better if I’d been taught to understand and use it effectively. Thanks to this new perspective, I’m giving my younger self a hug and a “you-go-girl” for my desire to learn and grow in my own way. The genealogical sleuthing paid off. The genealogical sleuthing paid off too. My cousins and I were able to find and drive through the parcel where our Oregon Trail ancestors had settled. Learning about the people I’ve come from gives me a solid feeling of belonging. There’s more to tell, but I think I’ll stop here. I want to get back to finishing up the memoir and getting it published. By the way, I’ll soon be publishing the revised version of my romance, Home of the Heart. Finding the home of one’s heart is pretty much the theme of everything I write. I suspect that’s what most of us long for. I hope you’ve found yours. Blessings,  AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace. Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? Or encouraged? There are hurting people who would like to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com  “I was married for 25 years. I'm 53 now, and so scared that I won't get married again, but that is the desire of my heart and I just keep praying.” This comment on one of my blog posts touched my heart. Being scared, anxious, afraid — these are typical emotions associated with divorce. But as Christians we are encouraged not to be afraid. There are up to 40 passages in the bible that seek to assure us we need not fear. And yet we do. Cue the guilt added to how we’re already feeling. I understand divorce fear. My divorce fear began when I seriously considered leaving my husband of twenty-five years. My writing business was not profitable and I had no good job prospects. I worried about the amount of spousal support I might get. Our child was grown, but, of course, our divorce would still have an impact on him. Would I, over age fifty, ever find love again? I worried that maybe I hadn’t tried hard enough to make our marriage work, and I wondered if the Lord wanted me to try some more. One of my Christian counselors was so appalled I would consider divorce, she refused to talk with me about it! 
One of the Beta readers of the memoir, a non-Christians commented, “I thought a strong Christian faith is supposed to bring peace and tranquility.” Ouch! How do I answer that? I’d say God doesn’t snap His fingers and all is rainbows and bunnies. We're students at His feet, growing in knowledge of Him. And often we are not ready to learn until we go through hard times and realize we can’t rely on ourselves alone. That was me. Thankfully, God was patient, encouraging me to learn to trust Him and His provision. Learning to let go of my fear was a process, not an overnight-transformation. There were days I had to make the effort to lay aside my fears on an hourly basis. The Lord wants our participation in the healing. We are to listen to Him so He can direct our paths. I asked God for guidance, and received help along my road to recovery, taking advantage of several tools for healing that were available to me. As I did the best I could, God came through for me in miraculous ways.  Like the woman who wrote on my blog, I hoped to marry again someday. I was able to put aside my fears of being alone, and told the Lord I would wait for the man of His choosing. I was fifty-eight when I met the love of my life. From our conversations, it was clear God had a hand in our finding each other. I pray the woman who wrote me will wait upon the Lord, trusting she will find the love she is seeking at the perfect time in her life. I want you to know that, even though you will probably experience some level of fear, with the Lord’s help, you can get through it. Click here for 10 tools that will help you as you seek to overcome divorce fear. Blessings,  AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace. Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? Or encouraged? There are hurting people who would like to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com  I'm pleased to introduce Marlene Anderson, an inspirational and motivational speaker, author and life coach as my guest blogger. More about Marlene and her books at the end of this article. “God does not give us a spirit of fear but a spirit of power and love and a sound mind.” —2 Timothy 1:7 What scares you the most on a day-to-day basis? Are you concerned about your job, or your kids or testing positive for cancer? Fears are normal and natural. They help us plan and think and prepare. But they can also become deep-seated anxieties that monopolize our thinking to the exclusion of problem solving. Fears, like anger, can become excessive. They can appear like huge dragons or monsters threatening everything we do to the point where we no longer see options or opportunities. The excessive fears we create in our mind seem just as real as any physical danger we might encounter. In fact, they are probably more resistant and difficult to deal with because once created, we go to great lengths to prove to ourselves and others that they are real. When we do, we set ourselves up for a self-fulfilling prophecy. There are valid reasons for paying attention to fear. Fears are a survival mechanism that tells us to stop, be careful and proceed with caution. However, if our focus remains on the feelings only without searching for solutions to problems they may be pointing to, it creates a sense of helplessness and we stop looking for answers.  Fear of failure reveals our insecurities. Face them and we grow from them. Each of us has strengths and weaknesses. Don’t allow this fear to take over your life. Use it instead to find authentic ways to grow in confidence and become genuine. Fear can drive us to God. It is where I draw my strength and hope for the future every day. Understanding that we have a loving Almighty God who cares about us, guides and strengthens us, is both humbling and empowering. Don’t leave home without Him. Fear can isolate us. We need the support of others. If we constantly fear rejection or humiliation, we will miss out on the wonderful relationships we can have. Fear challenges us to get out of our comfort zone. For example, public speaking is a challenge for most of us and is often avoided. While being pleased at being asked to speak, fear of failure can take over. You can overcome much of your apprehension by looking for opportunities to speak in small comfortable gatherings of friends you trust and with whom you share common interests. The more you do, the more confident you will become. “What am I really afraid of?” Fear begs the question, “What am I really afraid of?” Listen to those inner thoughts. What are they are saying to you? Healthy fear tells you to pay attention to what is happening. Excessive and unhealthy fear tells you nothing will ever be okay. Face your fear -- step out of your comfort zone. Face your fear. Sit down and have a conversation with it. Everybody has fears - some rational, and some irrational. Just as fears protect us, they can also help us grow. Speak to yourself from a position of strength. You have a multitude of talents and abilities. Accept your weaknesses along with your strengths. Take that risk and step out of your comfort zone. Guest Post AuthorMarlene Anderson is an inspirational and motivational speaker, author and life coach. She is the author of A Love So Great, A Grief so Deep and contributing author to It’s A God Thing and Heaven Reaching Earth, available on Amazon. You can listen to her podcasts and read her weekly blogs at her website, www.focuswithmarlene.com. She can be contacted at focuswithmarlene@gmail.com Blog HostLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com  If you are in the aftermath of a divorce, you might feel as if you have no compass to guide you through this brand new territory. That was certainly true for me. I read a ton of books trying to understand what happened in my marriage – even wondering at times if I did wrong by divorcing. I wanted to connect more deeply with God. I struggled with forgiveness. I wondered where I fit in the Christian community, and I was anxious about what the future held for me. Would I ever find love again … one that would last and not hurt me? You may be having similar questions. I pray you’ll find some helpful answers in this list of 50 resources I’ve curated for you. Topics include Anxiety after Divorce, What the Bible Says About Divorce, Forgiveness, Personal Divorce & Faith Stories, Meditations and Encouragement after Divorce, Divorce Recovery, Divorce Financial Advice, Dating Again, Being Single, and Self Care. For short reads on these topics, I’ve included links to some of my own blog posts.  Blessings on your healing journey,  P.S. Your comments are welcome on this blog. AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace. Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? Or encouraged? There are hurting people who would like to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com  I'm pleased to introduce Rebecca L. Mitchell as my guest blogger today. Read to the end to find out more about Rebecca and her new book, From Broken Vows to Healed Hearts: Seeking God After Divorce, Through Community, Scripture, and Journaling. In 2012 I did something my mother did that I swore I would never do. With a devastated and heavy heart, after 25 years of marriage, I filed for divorce. In 2009, I discovered a love letter from my husband to another woman. That began the darkest three years of my life as I tried to heal from the unfathomable, examine my own failures without taking all the blame, and salvage our broken marriage. It didn’t work—at least salvaging the marriage part. He wasn’t committed to our vows. I could no longer stay married to him. Although my mother and I both divorced, we experienced very different responses from the church. Although my mother and I both divorced, we experienced very different responses from the church. Both the leaders and members of my mom’s church directly or tacitly blamed her instead of helping her, and all but one saintly woman treated her like a marriage-ruining leper. She left the church and never returned. To any church. I’m grateful and fortunate I did not receive the same vile response. I was able to attend multiple support groups, two of which were Christian-based, where I was supported, not set aside, and loved, not labeled. Maybe it was easier for me partly because I did have biblical grounds for divorce. I’ve heard from so many women who had very different experiences.
What about marriages with ongoing verbal, emotional and/or physical abuse? What about addiction or abandonment? I believe a family’s destruction and the damage done to individuals can occur not only through divorce but also within badly functioning, intact families. Divorce can be the best choice in those situations. No matter what the reason for divorce, even if we aren’t overtly shunned like my mom was, we often hear hurtful responses with a spiritual ring to them: God can heal your marriage; just pray in faith. God is in the business of doing miracles. We’re commanded to forgive. God hates divorce. All of these statements are true to some degree, so how are they hurtful? They’re hurtful when they heap guilt or judgement on the one choosing divorce. They’re hurtful when they pressure a woman to stay married at all costs. They’re hurtful when they dismiss the pain of a devastatingly difficult choice. Even though I lived in denial for a long time and felt blind-sided, God wasn’t surprised. Even though I lived in denial for a long time and felt blind-sided, God wasn’t surprised. He worked miracles not in saving my marriage but in giving me an abundant life afterwards. I have been blessed in many ways—a more lucrative job, a fun new hobby (golf), amazing friends from a healthy Christian singles community, a fulfilling purpose in helping other women heal. Most miraculous of all is getting my book From Broken Vows to Healed Hearts published since I had no following and my middle name is Queen of Good Intentions and Unfinished Projects. God has done miracles but not packaged the way I had imagined.
Kintsugi is the Japanese art of mending broken pottery. Resin is mixed with gold dust and then applied to the broken pottery to hold the pieces together. What was once a ruined vase becomes a stunning work of art with the repair of the broken parts illuminated in gold. This repair becomes part of the history of the piece, which enhances rather than diminishes its beauty. No matter how the church responds or what people say, no matter what trauma we have experienced, no matter what we have done to contribute to our broken marriage, God is willing and able to heal. In all our heartaches, He reaches out to us, beckoning us to turn towards Him to experience His love, grace, and restoration. He is the Master Kintsugi artist of our souls. Guest Author Rebecca’s day job is teaching English composition at a local university. While she loves teaching, she is most passionate about coming alongside women in their healing journeys. With a voice of experience, Rebecca has written From Broken Vows to Healed Hearts: Seeking God After Divorce, Through Community, Scripture, and Journaling and is currently leading a Bible study using her book.  Connect with Rebecca at rebeccamitchellauthor.com Facebook@AuthorRebeccaMitchell Instagram: newrebeccam book link: From Broken Vows to Healed Hearts I highly recommend Rebecca's book for Christian women who are finding their way after divorce. Blessings,  Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? Or encouraged? There are hurting people who would like to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, Email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com |
Free Resource Downloads
12 Steps to a More Joyful Life after Divorce 30 Things to Do When You're Single Forgiveness Self-Assessment Resources for Healing from Spiritual Abuse Your StoryAs long as you are hiding from your pain, you're hiding from helping other people.
Kari Oberbrunner - Author, speaker, coach. If you're interested in sharing your story of divorce and the response of other Christians, email Linda at Linda@LindaMKurth.com for guidelines.
Linda's memoir in progressGod, the Devil and Divorce
A Transformative Journey Out of Emotional and Spiritual Abuse My Perspective
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