Help and Healing for Divorced Christians
Recovering from Divorce?
Get Linda’s 12 Steps for a More Joyful Life after Divorce.
Recovering from Divorce?
Get Linda’s 12 Steps for a More Joyful Life after Divorce.
 Have you ever been betrayed by someone close to you? If that person had been your spouse, the impact was probably enormous. You likely experienced a range of emotions, one of which was probably rage. I certainly did. In my memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, I tell about driving the freeway, pounding the steering wheel, and yelling all the obscenities I could think of, frustrated I didn't know more! I confess there were moments I wished him dead, suggesting the Lord “roast him and toast him.” "Time wounds all heals," I often quipped. Time has passed and, thanks be to God, I've been able to move on in big and little ways. The other day I received a call from my son. “Dad died today,” he said. I heard resignation in his voice. I was not surprised, knowing my ex had been ailing for a while. Throughout our twenty-five year marriage, I’d encouraged him to take care of himself but he’d refused. I felt sad for our son who had inherited his father’s high intellect and sense of humor. They'd been close in the early years but had been distant in the many years since. Any opportunity to change that is now gone forever. And, since our son is an only child, is single, and has no children, his dad's passing means he is left with significantly fewer family connections. As for me, I’d forgiven my ex of his emotional abuse and betrayal long-ago. I feel sad he was never able to overcome the abuse he received as a child. But, I’m also happy for him. I believe he’s finally at peace in his Father’s arms, feeling the unconditional love he longed for and never found here on earth. Blessings,  AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her new memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.
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 Recently, a teacher friend - a Christian - posted an account of one of her middle-grade students loudly proclaiming she was a horrible person because she had been divorced four times. This student was mistaken - she had been divorced twice - but I find his mistake irrelevant. We cannot know what was behind the student’s anger, but my question is, why did this young person choose the subject of divorce in his outburst? Isn’t the shame of divorce a thing of the past? From some of the messages I get from readers of this blog and from other readings, I get the sense that a significant number of conservative Christians continue to look on divorce as a morally wrong decision. To determine if my hunch was correct, I did a little Googling and a little calculation. The Good News “Very religious” Christians have typically been against divorce. But, according to a Gallup poll, with many states passing no-fault divorce laws in the 1970’s, a majority of this group now believe divorce is morally acceptable. For those of us who believe that God accepts divorce in a number of circumstances, and, in fact, allows the suffering spouse to be free of abuse and neglect, that’s great news! This does not answer my question, though, concerning the actual number who still believe divorce is morally wrong. Is it small enough for us to dismiss, believing there will always be a few who hold on to their belief about the evils of divorce? Why worry? And yet ... A poll in 2018 found that twenty percent of adult Americans believed that divorce was morally wrong. (https://www.statista.com/statistics/218524/americans-moral-stance-towards-divorce/) I believe that number has decreased somewhat since, but we can make some educated guesses. Working with those numbers, how many people represent that twenty percent? Forty million. Let that sink in. Forty million! I don’t know about you, but to me, that seems pretty significant. Sure, that number is shrinking, but in the meantime, this belief continues to trap a great many women and some men in marriages they don’t dare leave. What the Bible says Why is that, and where does that belief come from? One of the most often biblical verses used to support the “morally wrong” divorce stance is Jesus’ words in Matthew 19:9: “And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.” Church leaders have claimed that adultery by one’s spouse is the only reason for divorce. If the decision to divorce is for any other reason, it is an “unforgiveable sin.” Neither idea is supported by most serious Bible scholars. (The only unforgiveable sin is blaspheming the Holy Spirit. Matthew 12:31-32) Also, there are the words of the apostle Paul about marriage: “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church …” (Ephesians 5:22-23). Too many men have taken this to mean that they are the bosses of their wives, but they ignore the previous verse: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Paul was talking about mutual submission of husband and wife, but, again, this part has been ignored. Have you read that God hates divorce? Some translations of Malachi 2:17 say that, but newer translations have revised that verse. I’m quite sure God does not love divorce, but even He found it necessary to divorce Israel for her adulteries, which were not sexual. (Jeremiah 3:8) How these texts are used  Looking at these narrow interpretations of the Bible, we can begin to understand how unethical church leaders and husbands yearning for dominance can use these verses against women. This is called “spiritual abuse,” and here’s my definition of this type of behavior: “Keeping a person under control with misapplied biblical verses.” Another word for it is “brainwashing.” A wife, believing she must submit to her husband, is set up for abuse. Should she protest in some way, her husband, church elders, or a pastor, may harass and humiliate her, accusing her of sinning. These actions might very well cause psychological trauma, making her distrust her own instinct for justice or even survival. If she finds the strength to leave, she not only may lose her Christian community, her source of emotional and spiritual support, but may feel she has lost God. In a guest post on this blog (Deep Wounds Remain), the writer described how the church treated her when she went to the pastor for help dealing with her husband’s infidelity. “It was suggested I confess before the church for any part I might have had in leading to my husband’s wanderings. He wasn’t asked to acknowledge his wrong doings, and he didn’t volunteer … once counseling started, I was completely ostracized by the other women in the church.” Another guest posted (Liberation from the Patriarchal Church), “Over the years I realized the church betrayed me and our daughter. Its focus was on my staying in the marriage, being complicit in keeping order over myself and our child, and assuming blame for his behavior. A good woman could turn him around. After the divorce, within church walls or teachings, I gained no comfort. I was the woman who had a failed marriage. The status of my husband in this failure was of no matter. Anger and disappointment led me from institutional religion. I stay away to protect my heart, mind, and soul.” My Own Experience
Once I made the decision to leave, I received a three-page letter from a friend of my husband claiming my decision was “out of God’s will. I see you wanting to control [your husband] … he was your head. He is not accountable to you but to God. … I see you as an incredibly controlling person and it is time for you to fall on your face before the great Counselor Jesus. God can soften your stiff neck and heart of stone, but it will be His way or no way. … I recommend you find a church where there is strong male headship and no compromising of clear scripture.” And on it went. The third instance of being rejected for my choice to divorce was when I began searching for a new church. I’d attended one a few times and chatted with the pastor. Since I thought perhaps it would be a good fit for me, I had a more lengthy discussion with him. When I told him that I had divorced my husband, his demeanor changed. “Oh!” he exclaimed, “Since you were the one to decide to divorce, you could never be a full member of this church. I suggest you look into the church down the road where there is a large singles group.” You can imagine the hurt and anger I felt over my husband’s friend’s words. I wrote him back, telling him how much he had hurt me. (You can read about his response to that in my memoir.) And that although shocking, my counselor’s declaration helped me tap into what I truly knew about God. I knew He wept with me over the pain of my husband’s rejection, and He cared for me so much more than he cared about preserving my marriage. Once I understood that, I was able to brush off that pastor’s response about not being welcome in his church. I believed God would deal with him and the church in due time, and I found love and support in the church down the road. My hope is that the use of “divorce” as a dirty word will soon fade into the past and will cease to be an undeserved source of shame and judgment. Instead, the church will treat the divorced Christian with compassion, and I've written a comprehensive blog post on this subject: "Domestic Abuse and Faith: How Churches Can Help Instead of Hurt." In a videotaped interview sponsored by Village Books of Bellingham, Washington, I was recently asked what I would like churches to do for divorced people. “Love on them,” I replied. “Just love on them.” Blessings to you,  Resources used in this post: https://news.gallup.com/poll/213677/divorce-rate-dips-moral-acceptability-hits-new-high.aspx https://www.pewforum.org/2018/08/29/the-religious-typology/ https://www.statista.com/statistics/218524/americans-moral-stance-towards-divorce/ AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her new memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.  I felt I was playing the children’s game of plucking daisy petals, asking, “Does he love me? Does he not?” Life with my husband was so confusing. It wasn’t until I went to my fifth or sixth counselor that I learned my husband was a “crazymaker” and what that meant. In my just-published memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce: A Transformative Journey Through Emotional and Spiritual Abuse, I include a scene with that counselor. “Confusion and shame is exactly what crazymakers want their victims to feel. All these things you’ve told me about Jim—saying one thing and then later, the opposite without acknowledging the difference, his lack of empathy for your physical and emotional state, trying to make you seem the bad one in the relationship, encouraging you to doubt your feelings—they convince me he’s a crazymaker,” she told me. My counselor warned me that crazymakers are not likely to change. I didn't have the tools to try to effect that change, and, after twenty-five years, I finally left. It wasn’t until I began writing my memoir that I understood the extent of my husband’s crazymaking.  Here are eight of several types of crazymaking behavior Crazymakers will--
These are but a few of the techniques crazymakers use to gain control over their close relations. Please note that my references here are all about men, but women can be crazymakers, too. If you suspect you are dealing with a crazymaker, I suggest you get counseling with a professional who understands this personality type. As for my question, did my husband love me? You'll have to read the memoir. Blessings,  Resources: Psychology Today’s article, “How to Handle a Crazymaker,” explains crazymaking and offers suggestions for dealing with this personality type. David Hawkins’ book, Dealing with the Crazymakers in Your Life, is also helpful. AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her new memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.  Curtesy DepositPhotos I liken my divorce experience to that of an imaginary woman I’ll call Anna. Anna had lived for a long time with a diseased leg that caused a persistent dull ache. At times, significant sharp pains brought her to tears. Nevertheless, she could get around on that leg, even though it pained her and even though it sometimes felt as if it would collapse. Finally, though, the pain became so great and the leg so weak, it threatened Anna’s overall health and had to be removed. The surgery was extremely painful. What a shock to Anna's system! Afterwards, Anna had to learn to use a crutch. The crutch was restrictive and made her clumsy. Sometimes she wished she still had her old leg, as unhealthy as it was. Nevertheless, she clung to the belief that she would eventually be okay, and she kept trying to walk. As she did, she felt her body changing. One day, to her shock, she discovered a new leg had miraculously begun to grow from the scars of the missing leg. As Anna kept moving forward, the leg continued to grow until it was a completely new leg, even better than her original one--stronger yet more flexible. She no longer needed the crutch. For the first time in a very long time, Anna could run and hop and twirl and dance. She discovered new moves she’d neve dreamed she could make. She felt more joyful, more confident. Anna wasn’t simply as good as new; she was different, better—more lovely and more loving than she’d been, even before her limb had become diseased. Anna lived the rest of her life in deep gratitude for this rebirth. Yes, I was like Anna. My long-term marriage wasn’t good, but I’d learned to live with the dull ache of feeling things weren’t right. I did my best to repair what was broken, but I was not powerful enough to heal our relationship. There came a point when I had to wrench myself free. The result was terribly painful, as if I’d cut off a limb. Still, I clung to the believe that God cared for me and that I would eventually be healed. And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28 Just like Anna, not only did I survive, I learned to thrive. I found resilience, confidence, and joy. I learned to dance! Divorce survivors discover that no matter how tough it was to leave, their lives can be better than ever. My friends, you may be hurting now from your divorce experience, but have faith. Keep on walking and trust you will come out on the other side, stronger and more joyful. Blessings,  P.S. Can’t wait until the paperback God, the Devil, and Divorce is officially released? Email me (Linda@Lindamkurth.com) to purchase an autographed copy. I use inexpensive media mail, and there’s no charge for packaging. Just $16.99 plus tax and $2.80 for shipping. The book can also be pre-ordered through several online bookstore. AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace. Contact her: Linda@LindaMKurth.com   If someone had told me I would be discussing the Bible with my critique friend, I’d say that person was dreaming. Not going to happen. Nope. Never. Not that I would be averse to such a discussion, but I was sure she wouldn’t go for it. She’d wondered why choosing to divorce my husband had been such a struggle. “I’d never put up with that ****,” she declared. “I’d tell him to go where the sun never shines!” In frustration and jest, she inadvertently named my memoir. “Just call it God, the Devil, and Divorce,” she cracked. I seized on her suggestion and ran with it, as it perfectly describes all three elements of my story. Additionally, the title is controversial, and controversy tends to sell books. Nevertheless, I figured my friends deserved a copy. The paperback version of the memoir will be released until March, but I have copies on hand. I figured my friend deserved one for her contribution even though I wasn’t sure she’d bother to read it. A few days later she surprised me with a call. I was even more surprised with what she had to say. " I get it!" "I just finished your book, and I get it!" she declared. "You were wrestling with what you'd been taught versus what you came to believe. I was a Sunday School kid like you, but when I became an adult, I thought most of what I was taught was false, and I turned my back on religion. But you point out in your book that we weren't always given the full story of what the bible says, like the part where it says wives need to submit to their husbands. Our teachers neglected the rest of that passage where it says husbands should submit to their wives as well—it's a mutual submission. That makes sense!" “Right!” I replied. “Unfortunately, the true meaning of some passages in the Bible have been obscured over the centuries, either by skewed translations or by church leaders who couldn’t get past their own prejudices. “Men, I’m sure,” she said. Click here to subscribe to Linda's Love Notes,
My friend’s response is what I'm hoping for—readers resonating with my story, understanding the struggle and its resolution. Maybe they’ll even consider new Bible translations and come to a better understanding of Christ’s teachings that men and women have equal value and should be equally loved and respected. Blessings,  P.S. Can’t wait until the paperback to God, the Devil, and Divorce is officially released? Email me to purchase an autographed copy. I use inexpensive media mail, and there’s no charge for packaging. Just $16.99 plus tax and $2.80 for shipping. Email me: Linda@Lindamkurth.com. The book can also be pre-ordered through several online bookstore. AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace. Contact Linda: Linda@LindaMKurth.com   Going through a divorce can be a lonely experience, especially if no one in your circle of friends has been through it herself or is giving you bad advice. The good news for you is that we're here to help. Three of us have been through divorce and come out stronger and happier on the other side. Our fourth author is a counselor and expert on loss. She's learned to be content living alone after being widowed. We’re eager to share our experiences and expertise to help you survive and flourish too. Here's who we are and how our books can possibly help you. 
Relationship Solutions: Effective Strategies to Heal Your Heart and Create the Happiness You Deserve (The Sister's Guides to Empowered Living Book 3) Sonia’s book is a clear-eyed look at what holds a marriage together and what tears it apart. Sonia’s writing is both practical and lively, coming across as a dear friend who desires the best for her reader. I chuckled over many of her self-directed questions: “Are you just getting a taste of the good stuff? Or is it the main course? Do you feel like you’re served a 3-shrimp cocktail followed by a huge mound of box mashed potatoes?” Her questions in the “Reflections” section are more serious and probing, revealing the her attorney side. As a divorced woman of faith, I especially appreciated her advice. “Do not give up on your faith because your decision to divorce is incompatible with dogma.” Sonia’s book covers all the concerns I had before, during, and after my divorce. If I’d her book back then, I’m sure making the decisions I had to make would have been easier. 
Taming the Dragons: Choices for Women in Conflict and Pain Dealing with huge personal problems such as divorce demands us to draw on all the courage and faith we can muster. Brenda draws on examples of overcomers from mythology, fairy tales, history, the Bible, and personal experiences. She shows readers there is always something a woman can do to change her circumstances for the better, no matter how small that change may be. Reading her book opened my eyes to ways little, creative actions can ultimately pave the way for big positive changes. Each chapter ends with “Something to Think About” that includes relevant Bible verses and questions about how you can apply the chapter’s theme to your own life. A unique, entertaining, and encouraging book for all women.  Marlene Anderson: Marlene is a licensed therapist who shares her training, love of God and life experiences through writing and speaking engagements. She is passionate about sharing God’s great love and transforming power and helping every woman discover her potential. Marlene encourages and motivates others who are going through tough times.
Learning to Live Again in a New World: A Journey from Loss to New Life In her book, Marlene addresses four stages of grieve and provides suggestions on how to deal with each one. Her compassion shines through, having experienced a tragic loss herself. As a licensed therapist, her prescriptions for recovery are clear and practical. The two appendixes offer additional information on working through difficult grief emotions and offering and receiving support. There is a study guide at the end of the book that can be used in group settings. Having gone through a divorce and the grief that followed myself, I gladly recommend this book to people struggling to recover from divorce.  Linda M. Kurth: I write memoir, romance, and non-fiction for adults. For children, I write fantasy and non-fiction. Deciding to divorce my crazymaking husband was the most difficult decision I ever had to make. Condemnation from conservative Christian acquaintances piled on the heartbreak. I wrote this memoir to help other Christian women who are going through divorce.
God, the Devil, and Divorce: A Transformative Journey out of Emotional and Spiritual Abuse After more than 20 years of marriage, Linda is shaken when her pastor/counselor suggests her husband is a “crazymaker.” This news opens her eyes to the emotional abuse that has been going on for years. After a heartbreaking move, she brings up the subject of divorce with a new counselor. “If you divorce, Satan wins!” the counselor tells her. Linda questions this statement and intensifies her quest to understand God’s will. She ultimately determines He loves her more than the institution of marriage. Trusting Him, she risks an unknown future when she decides to divorce. Her journey of recovery is inspiring. Each one of these books has a wealth of information and inspiration. Discover what speaks to you best and go for it! We're rooting for you! Blessings, 
I receive letters from newly divorced readers of my blog worried that they might never find true love. I tell them I understand their fears. I’ve been where they are now. Back then I’d dreamt of a third chance at love and a satisfying marriage. But what were the odds of me finding someone at my age? “God doesn’t operate by numbers and percentages,” a friend reminded me as I worked on recovering from the demise of my twenty-five-year marriage — the one that was supposed to last the rest of my life. Here I was, 55 years old and trying to figure out my life. I knew I needed healing and self-discovery before considering dating again. I knew I needed healing and self-discovery before considering dating again. After going through counseling and “graduating” from several months of a divorce recovery class, I decided to branch out in new ways, including ballroom dancing. I began taking lessons and had the first genuine laugh I’d experienced since the divorce. I discovered I had a natural talent in that area, and it became a vehicle for interacting with men in a safe environment. I made new friends through a singles group at church, and I purchased my own home.I decided to build a career for myself and went back to school. It had been years since I’d pursued academics, and those first classes were a challenge. Conquering them, though, increased my self-confidence.
When I felt ready to date, it was simply for male companionship. I made a vow to remain celibate until the right man came along and we married even though that meant I might be celibate for the rest of my life. Most dates weren’t too happy that I wasn’t into having sex with them, but this decision protected me from making choices based solely on emotion and physical attraction. As I became more serious about finding someone special, I wrote down thirty — THIRTY! — characteristics in a man I’d want as a husband. I told the Lord I was in no hurry, and please, “don’t give me any substitutes.” Then, one evening, I met a guy who seemed nice enough, although his dancing skills weren’t up to my level. He soon fixed that by taking lessons. We talked frankly about ourselves and our beliefs, and I made him take personality tests! After earning the seal of approval from our church counselors, we were married six months later. He is the love of my life. My recovery took time and had its setbacks. My recovery took time and had its setbacks, but I made progress. To sum up, here are the actions and decisions I made that brought me to my current state of “married bliss.”
Writing about our courtship was my favorite piece of completing my memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce. If you’re wondering if you’ll ever find love again, I hope that by knowing my journey, you might be encouraged. Blessings,  AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. She is the author of the newly released eBook, God, the Devil, and Divorce: A Transformative Journey out of Emotional and Physical Abuse, available in paperback, March 2, 2021. Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com
Rosalind Sedacca gives us insight into today's topic. Older children have a longer history in the former family unit, regardless of how healthy or toxic it has been. Perhaps they remember better times when Mom and Dad interacted with them and each other with more joy and harmony. Even if there were no good times to look back upon, older children were accustomed to the existing family dynamic, knew their place in the structure, and felt a sense of comfort in “what is.” Resisting change is a natural part of being human. Resisting change is a natural part of being human. For teenagers that resistance is compounded by a tendency to test boundaries and rock the status quo. Divorce or separation naturally makes all children feel powerless over their circumstances. For teens, who are feeling their oats and less likely to listen to parental authority, this is especially hard to accept.
more permissive, taking advantage of the weakened parental structure to try to get away with more rebellious behaviors. Some teens choose to side with the more powerful parent – often Dad – to bolster their sense of security, even if they were emotionally closer to Mom. Anger is a common reaction from older children. Anger is a common reaction from older children. If they are not given the opportunity to vent, express their feelings and be heard, this anger often manifests as physical rebellion, drug or alcohol abuse or other inappropriate behaviors. To complicate matters, communication is often more difficult with teens who are acting out because they are usually less talkative, more likely to keep their feelings held in and more moody than their younger siblings. With this in mind, how can parents bridge this communication and credibility gap with their older children? Amy Sherman, a therapist in private practice who has dealt extensively with troubled teen populations, makes these suggestions: * Make your family a democracy. That means opening the door to listening to and “hearing” your older children, even if you don’t like what they are saying. Kids need to know they can express themselves without being disciplined or made wrong. At the same time, she warns against being too permissive which inevitably leads to exploitation from teens who are always testing their boundaries. *Whenever possible, both Mom and Dad should talk to the teen together, discussing issues as honestly as is appropriate. All children are natural manipulators. Don’t let separation or divorce give them the opportunity to divide and conquer. Mom and Dad talking to the kids together, on the same page regarding family rules and values, is your best insurance for keeping older children as allies. Co-parenting after the divorce is your optimum goal. When that is not possible, keeping both parents in their parental roles goes a long way toward maintaining stability within a transforming family structure. *Children need and actually appreciate structure, even teens. It creates the security they crave, especially at challenging times. Try to maintain boundaries as close to the pre-divorce reality as possible. When both parents share basic guidelines and agreements within the family structure, regardless of which house the children are in, they will feel safer and more secure. Your children will also feel more cared about and loved which is vitally important as the family moves into unknown changes and transitions. *Remember, children of all ages mirror what they see. If your children are acting out, look within the family system for the cause. Get the help you need in making internal changes, and they are more likely to follow suit. At the same time, be patient, tolerant and understanding with yourself and everyone else within your family. This too shall pass! AuthorRosalind Sedacca, Certified Divorce Coach is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach and author of the acclaimed ebook, How Do I Tell The Kids About the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide To Preparing Your Children -- With Love! She has founded CHILD-CENTERED DIVORCE MONTH in January.To get her free ebook, coaching services, expert interviews, programs, e-courses and other valuable resources on divorce and co-parenting, visit: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com  My ex was suddenly in the room. “Let's pause the movie and make some popcorn,” he said, suggesting something we’d habitually done during our twenty-five-year marriage. I collapsed in a torrent of tears, knowing he couldn’t be real. We’d been divorced for three months, and he’d moved away. When I discovered he'd secretly remarried, I'd gone into shock. His apparition that evening was a sign of my struggle to deal with all that was happening to me. What I didn’t understand was that I was experiencing divorce trauma. Psychological trauma is damage to the mind that occurs as a result of a distressing event. Trauma is often the result of an overwhelming amount of stress that exceeds one's ability to cope, or integrate the emotions involved with that experience. Wikipedia The divorce and shock of discovering my ex-husband's duplicity brought up big, soul-wrenching questions: Who was I? Would I ever feel whole again? Would I ever find love again? Then there were the more practical questions: Where would I live? What kind of lifestyle would my new financial situation provide? Would I have to find a job? Where would I find a church and local friends? (We had recently moved.) It seemed as if my entire future was a huge question mark, compromising my ability to cope. Trauma can be manifested in several waysTrauma can be manifested in several ways depending on the precise circumstances combined with the personality of the person experiencing it. If you’ve been divorced, you may recognize some of the symptoms on this partial list.
In the aftermath of my divorce, I experienced several of the above (which I describe in my up-coming memoir). The good news is that my craziness after the trauma was typical and temporary. It was a phase, and phases pass. I couldn’t have articulated that truth at the time, but deep down, I understood it and was able to move forward. Some ways you can |
 | What one or two new pieces would make your heart glad? A new carpet? A comfortable chair? It doesn’t have to be useful—perhaps it’s a painting. For me, it was a new red velour overstuffed couch. That piece spoke “comfort” to me and served as a sign of taking care of |
myself. If at all possible, you’ll want to transform your bedroom, the most personal space in your home, beginning with a new bedcover and pillows. *”We need sleep to heal, restore, feel safe, be healthy, and calm our minds,” says Faith Sheridan who has degrees in psychology and interior design. Adjustable lighting is especially important, being able to have enough light to read in bed, and softer to sooth you as you prepare to sleep.
Paint the Town(house)
Hopefully, you’ll be able to repaint your walls like Theo did, if you so choose. Maybe your ex wanted only neutral wall colors, but you could use a dash of color. Go for it! When I purchased my townhouse, I went crazy with paint, experimenting with various techniques and even painting the once-dull parquet kitchen floor. I transformed my office walls were in dappled shades of sunny yellow. I envisioned a Coney Island vibe for the hall bath done in primary colors. (I completed the look with vintage photos of family members at the beach.) My bedroom walls were covered in calming pistachio with a glittery glaze peeking through. I reveled in it all.
Hopefully, you’ll be able to repaint your walls like Theo did, if you so choose. Maybe your ex wanted only neutral wall colors, but you could use a dash of color. Go for it! When I purchased my townhouse, I went crazy with paint, experimenting with various techniques and even painting the once-dull parquet kitchen floor. I transformed my office walls were in dappled shades of sunny yellow. I envisioned a Coney Island vibe for the hall bath done in primary colors. (I completed the look with vintage photos of family members at the beach.) My bedroom walls were covered in calming pistachio with a glittery glaze peeking through. I reveled in it all.
Add greenery
Unless you absolutely have a brown thumb, consider adding plants to your environment. As living beings, plants can help us feel connected to the natural world. Indoor plants can boost mood, productivity, concentration, and creativity. They reduce stress and fatigue while absorbing toxins, increasing humidity, and producing oxygen in indoor air.
Personally, I love having live plants in my home. I once asked a fellow-plant lover what her secret to have so many beautiful, healthy-looking plants. “When one dies, I get a new one,” she told me with a grin. In other words, you’ll want to follow the recommended conditions for your new plants, but don’t be afraid of making a few mistakes when learning what works in your space. Your efforts will soon pay off. Indoor plants might even become your passion! Here’s a link to help you get started.
Unless you absolutely have a brown thumb, consider adding plants to your environment. As living beings, plants can help us feel connected to the natural world. Indoor plants can boost mood, productivity, concentration, and creativity. They reduce stress and fatigue while absorbing toxins, increasing humidity, and producing oxygen in indoor air.
Personally, I love having live plants in my home. I once asked a fellow-plant lover what her secret to have so many beautiful, healthy-looking plants. “When one dies, I get a new one,” she told me with a grin. In other words, you’ll want to follow the recommended conditions for your new plants, but don’t be afraid of making a few mistakes when learning what works in your space. Your efforts will soon pay off. Indoor plants might even become your passion! Here’s a link to help you get started.
Visually transforming your home can have a positive influence on you as you transform your life. My hope is you’ll feel nurtured by your surroundings in this time of transition, and this transformation will be a sign of a new, hopeful beginning of your life full of yet-to-be-discovered opportunities.
*Quoted in the article “At Home in the Northwest: A Great Escape,” by Lora Shinn, The Seattle Times, 9/6/2020
Linda is a divorced and remarried Christian. Before taking up writing full-time, she was an interior designer and space planner for over ten years having studied Interior Design through UCLA’s Extension Certification program. Her romance, Home of the Heart, is based on her years as an interior designer.
*Quoted in the article “At Home in the Northwest: A Great Escape,” by Lora Shinn, The Seattle Times, 9/6/2020
Linda is a divorced and remarried Christian. Before taking up writing full-time, she was an interior designer and space planner for over ten years having studied Interior Design through UCLA’s Extension Certification program. Her romance, Home of the Heart, is based on her years as an interior designer.
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12 Steps to a More Joyful Life after Divorce
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12 Steps to a More Joyful Life after Divorce
30 Things to Do When You're Single
Forgiveness Self-Assessment
Resources for Healing from Spiritual Abuse
50 Divorce Recovery Books and Blogs
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Recommended Reading
Instone-Brewer, David. Divorce and Remarriage in the Church: Biblical Solutions for Pastoral Realities,
Divorce and Remarriage | Andrew Farley
Is Divorce the unforgivable sin? | Andrew Farley
Quoting and Linking
Unless otherwise noted, all contents © 2017 Linda M. Kurth. If you quote this blog, please cite and provide a link back. Thank you.
If you're interested in sharing your story of divorce and the response of other Christians, email Linda at Linda@LindaMKurth.com for guidelines.