Help and Healing for Divorced Christians
Recovering from Divorce?
Get Linda’s 12 Steps for a More Joyful Life after Divorce.
Recovering from Divorce?
Get Linda’s 12 Steps for a More Joyful Life after Divorce.
Even though the counselor’s words sent me into shock, I had the presence of mind to reply, “Satan has already won. Satan won when Jim broke our marriage covenant by not loving or honoring me. He’s addicted to his work and his religious pursuits. To me, that’s being unfaithful. And he refuses to acknowledge those actions that have driven us apart and to ask for forgiveness.” Baskerville explains, “Satan loves the fact that innocent spouses and children are bound to someone who devastates them, humiliates them, betrays them, and treats them treacherously … Jesus isn’t like that. Jesus came to set people free.” It took me years to fully understand this truth, but now that I’m free, I’m all about spreading the word. If you are in an abusive relationship, I want you to know that God loves you and wants the best for you. What is “the best”? To be loved, to be cherished, and to be safe from abuse of all kinds. If you do not have that kind of relationship and are suffering emotionally or physically, trust God and His helpers here on earth to assist you in finding the care and safety you need. Blessings,  P.S. My blog post “Resources for Victims of Domestic Violence and Their Advocates” might be a good start for finding the help you need. AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her new memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.  I welcome your comments and feedback.
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 Recently, a teacher friend - a Christian - posted an account of one of her middle-grade students loudly proclaiming she was a horrible person because she had been divorced four times. This student was mistaken - she had been divorced twice - but I find his mistake irrelevant. We cannot know what was behind the student’s anger, but my question is, why did this young person choose the subject of divorce in his outburst? Isn’t the shame of divorce a thing of the past? From some of the messages I get from readers of this blog and from other readings, I get the sense that a significant number of conservative Christians continue to look on divorce as a morally wrong decision. To determine if my hunch was correct, I did a little Googling and a little calculation. The Good News “Very religious” Christians have typically been against divorce. But, according to a Gallup poll, with many states passing no-fault divorce laws in the 1970’s, a majority of this group now believe divorce is morally acceptable. For those of us who believe that God accepts divorce in a number of circumstances, and, in fact, allows the suffering spouse to be free of abuse and neglect, that’s great news! This does not answer my question, though, concerning the actual number who still believe divorce is morally wrong. Is it small enough for us to dismiss, believing there will always be a few who hold on to their belief about the evils of divorce? Why worry? And yet ... A poll in 2018 found that twenty percent of adult Americans believed that divorce was morally wrong. (https://www.statista.com/statistics/218524/americans-moral-stance-towards-divorce/) I believe that number has decreased somewhat since, but we can make some educated guesses. Working with those numbers, how many people represent that twenty percent? Forty million. Let that sink in. Forty million! I don’t know about you, but to me, that seems pretty significant. Sure, that number is shrinking, but in the meantime, this belief continues to trap a great many women and some men in marriages they don’t dare leave. What the Bible says Why is that, and where does that belief come from? One of the most often biblical verses used to support the “morally wrong” divorce stance is Jesus’ words in Matthew 19:9: “And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.” Church leaders have claimed that adultery by one’s spouse is the only reason for divorce. If the decision to divorce is for any other reason, it is an “unforgiveable sin.” Neither idea is supported by most serious Bible scholars. (The only unforgiveable sin is blaspheming the Holy Spirit. Matthew 12:31-32) Also, there are the words of the apostle Paul about marriage: “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church …” (Ephesians 5:22-23). Too many men have taken this to mean that they are the bosses of their wives, but they ignore the previous verse: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Paul was talking about mutual submission of husband and wife, but, again, this part has been ignored. Have you read that God hates divorce? Some translations of Malachi 2:17 say that, but newer translations have revised that verse. I’m quite sure God does not love divorce, but even He found it necessary to divorce Israel for her adulteries, which were not sexual. (Jeremiah 3:8) How these texts are used  Looking at these narrow interpretations of the Bible, we can begin to understand how unethical church leaders and husbands yearning for dominance can use these verses against women. This is called “spiritual abuse,” and here’s my definition of this type of behavior: “Keeping a person under control with misapplied biblical verses.” Another word for it is “brainwashing.” A wife, believing she must submit to her husband, is set up for abuse. Should she protest in some way, her husband, church elders, or a pastor, may harass and humiliate her, accusing her of sinning. These actions might very well cause psychological trauma, making her distrust her own instinct for justice or even survival. If she finds the strength to leave, she not only may lose her Christian community, her source of emotional and spiritual support, but may feel she has lost God. In a guest post on this blog (Deep Wounds Remain), the writer described how the church treated her when she went to the pastor for help dealing with her husband’s infidelity. “It was suggested I confess before the church for any part I might have had in leading to my husband’s wanderings. He wasn’t asked to acknowledge his wrong doings, and he didn’t volunteer … once counseling started, I was completely ostracized by the other women in the church.” Another guest posted (Liberation from the Patriarchal Church), “Over the years I realized the church betrayed me and our daughter. Its focus was on my staying in the marriage, being complicit in keeping order over myself and our child, and assuming blame for his behavior. A good woman could turn him around. After the divorce, within church walls or teachings, I gained no comfort. I was the woman who had a failed marriage. The status of my husband in this failure was of no matter. Anger and disappointment led me from institutional religion. I stay away to protect my heart, mind, and soul.” My Own Experience
Once I made the decision to leave, I received a three-page letter from a friend of my husband claiming my decision was “out of God’s will. I see you wanting to control [your husband] … he was your head. He is not accountable to you but to God. … I see you as an incredibly controlling person and it is time for you to fall on your face before the great Counselor Jesus. God can soften your stiff neck and heart of stone, but it will be His way or no way. … I recommend you find a church where there is strong male headship and no compromising of clear scripture.” And on it went. The third instance of being rejected for my choice to divorce was when I began searching for a new church. I’d attended one a few times and chatted with the pastor. Since I thought perhaps it would be a good fit for me, I had a more lengthy discussion with him. When I told him that I had divorced my husband, his demeanor changed. “Oh!” he exclaimed, “Since you were the one to decide to divorce, you could never be a full member of this church. I suggest you look into the church down the road where there is a large singles group.” You can imagine the hurt and anger I felt over my husband’s friend’s words. I wrote him back, telling him how much he had hurt me. (You can read about his response to that in my memoir.) And that although shocking, my counselor’s declaration helped me tap into what I truly knew about God. I knew He wept with me over the pain of my husband’s rejection, and He cared for me so much more than he cared about preserving my marriage. Once I understood that, I was able to brush off that pastor’s response about not being welcome in his church. I believed God would deal with him and the church in due time, and I found love and support in the church down the road. My hope is that the use of “divorce” as a dirty word will soon fade into the past and will cease to be an undeserved source of shame and judgment. Instead, the church will treat the divorced Christian with compassion, and I've written a comprehensive blog post on this subject: "Domestic Abuse and Faith: How Churches Can Help Instead of Hurt." In a videotaped interview sponsored by Village Books of Bellingham, Washington, I was recently asked what I would like churches to do for divorced people. “Love on them,” I replied. “Just love on them.” Blessings to you,  Resources used in this post: https://news.gallup.com/poll/213677/divorce-rate-dips-moral-acceptability-hits-new-high.aspx https://www.pewforum.org/2018/08/29/the-religious-typology/ https://www.statista.com/statistics/218524/americans-moral-stance-towards-divorce/ AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her new memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace. I welcome your comments and feedback.
The Lord is not going to do the weeding for me. However ...  “Summertime, and the livin’ is easy,” goes one of my favorite songs I sing around the house. I do hope summertime has been easy for you. It’s not been so easy for me, but that’s the result of my choosing a large yard and garden with which to tend in addition to this writing life I continue to pursue. Life is all about choices, isn’t it? All of us have made wrong choices a time or two, sometimes knowing they’re wrong but making them anyway. Sometimes, believing they are the right choice, but discovering later how wrong they really were. Experts encourage parents to let their children experience the consequences of their choices, unless of course, that choice leads to irreparable harm to themselves or others. I think of God as being a perfect parent. If we find ourselves in a dire situation because of a choice we've made, and cry out to our Father for help, He responds in ways that are in our best interest. (No, the Lord is not going to do my weeding for me.) What am I getting at? If any of us are in a situation where we are emotionally or physically abused, I believe the Lord will help us find a way to escape. Sometimes that way can seem very scary or even impossible. It might mean leaving our family of origin. It might mean leaving our church. It might mean leaving financial security. The key is to trust in Him even when we don’t believe we can. That’s when the Lord really gets to work! That’s when we can experience the depths of God’s love. That’s when we can really begin the life of peace and love He wants for us. The Lord’s provision has been true for me, and if you are in a tough situation in your marriage, I pray it becomes true for you. "Wherefore, be of good cheer, and do not fear, for I the Lord am with you, and will stand by you." John 16:33 Blessings,  AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace. I welcome your comments and feedback.
 “This is well written, Linda,” said one of my critique partners, “but I would never buy your book. I can’t relate to your struggle in deciding to divorce. I mean, I believe in God and all that, but trying to live by what the Bible says, besides a few basic principles, doesn’t interest me. Doesn’t God just want us to be happy?” I smiled. “Aah, That’s an interesting question and maybe not as simple as you imagine. I’ll tell you this—if you haven’t seriously asked yourself what is pleasing to God, I wouldn’t expect you to find this story of value. But in the Christian circles that I’ve been a part of, there are men and women like myself, who do ask these questions. In fact, I would guess that divorce among Christians and their relationships is typically more angst-generating then in society in general. What especially interests me is the conflicting answers we come up with. That’s pretty much what my story is about, and those are the readers I want to reach.” God, the Devil, and Divorce: A Transformative Journey out of Emotional and Spiritual Abuse, is not for everyone. And if you do read it, you may not agree with my decisions and conclusions. But it very well might get you to thinking and talking about this subject with one another. In my book, that’s a good thing. Blessings,  Linda's memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce: A Transformative Journey out of Emotional and Spiritual Abuse is scheduled to be released in March 2021. Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir. She's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issue. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.  I'm pleased to introduce Rebecca L. Mitchell as my guest blogger today. Read to the end to find out more about Rebecca and her new book, From Broken Vows to Healed Hearts: Seeking God After Divorce, Through Community, Scripture, and Journaling. In 2012 I did something my mother did that I swore I would never do. With a devastated and heavy heart, after 25 years of marriage, I filed for divorce. In 2009, I discovered a love letter from my husband to another woman. That began the darkest three years of my life as I tried to heal from the unfathomable, examine my own failures without taking all the blame, and salvage our broken marriage. It didn’t work—at least salvaging the marriage part. He wasn’t committed to our vows. I could no longer stay married to him. Although my mother and I both divorced, we experienced very different responses from the church. Although my mother and I both divorced, we experienced very different responses from the church. Both the leaders and members of my mom’s church directly or tacitly blamed her instead of helping her, and all but one saintly woman treated her like a marriage-ruining leper. She left the church and never returned. To any church. I’m grateful and fortunate I did not receive the same vile response. I was able to attend multiple support groups, two of which were Christian-based, where I was supported, not set aside, and loved, not labeled. Maybe it was easier for me partly because I did have biblical grounds for divorce. I’ve heard from so many women who had very different experiences.
What about marriages with ongoing verbal, emotional and/or physical abuse? What about addiction or abandonment? I believe a family’s destruction and the damage done to individuals can occur not only through divorce but also within badly functioning, intact families. Divorce can be the best choice in those situations. No matter what the reason for divorce, even if we aren’t overtly shunned like my mom was, we often hear hurtful responses with a spiritual ring to them: God can heal your marriage; just pray in faith. God is in the business of doing miracles. We’re commanded to forgive. God hates divorce. All of these statements are true to some degree, so how are they hurtful? They’re hurtful when they heap guilt or judgement on the one choosing divorce. They’re hurtful when they pressure a woman to stay married at all costs. They’re hurtful when they dismiss the pain of a devastatingly difficult choice. Even though I lived in denial for a long time and felt blind-sided, God wasn’t surprised. Even though I lived in denial for a long time and felt blind-sided, God wasn’t surprised. He worked miracles not in saving my marriage but in giving me an abundant life afterwards. I have been blessed in many ways—a more lucrative job, a fun new hobby (golf), amazing friends from a healthy Christian singles community, a fulfilling purpose in helping other women heal. Most miraculous of all is getting my book From Broken Vows to Healed Hearts published since I had no following and my middle name is Queen of Good Intentions and Unfinished Projects. God has done miracles but not packaged the way I had imagined.
Kintsugi is the Japanese art of mending broken pottery. Resin is mixed with gold dust and then applied to the broken pottery to hold the pieces together. What was once a ruined vase becomes a stunning work of art with the repair of the broken parts illuminated in gold. This repair becomes part of the history of the piece, which enhances rather than diminishes its beauty. No matter how the church responds or what people say, no matter what trauma we have experienced, no matter what we have done to contribute to our broken marriage, God is willing and able to heal. In all our heartaches, He reaches out to us, beckoning us to turn towards Him to experience His love, grace, and restoration. He is the Master Kintsugi artist of our souls. Guest Author Rebecca’s day job is teaching English composition at a local university. While she loves teaching, she is most passionate about coming alongside women in their healing journeys. With a voice of experience, Rebecca has written From Broken Vows to Healed Hearts: Seeking God After Divorce, Through Community, Scripture, and Journaling and is currently leading a Bible study using her book.  Connect with Rebecca at rebeccamitchellauthor.com Facebook@AuthorRebeccaMitchell Instagram: newrebeccam book link: From Broken Vows to Healed Hearts I highly recommend Rebecca's book for Christian women who are finding their way after divorce. Blessings,  Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? Or encouraged? There are hurting people who would like to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, Email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com  The parallel between the abuse of women by men in power in the secular world and the abuse of women by men in power in the Christian world is no coincidence. In a previous blog post, I used as examples Harvey Weinstein, disgraced film producer, who prompted the #MeToo movement, and Paige Patterson, disgraced ex-president of Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary whose behavior prompted the #ChurchToo movement. The correlation is no accident! I’ve explored how traditional translations of the bible were heavily influenced by society’s view of the roles of women and men. The sad truth is that the teachings of Jesus and the apostle Paul concerning women, and other low-status peoples, have been skewed by these translations to mean quite the opposite … women as second class citizens who are not due equal respect and benefits. Biblical verses have been used for generations to back up this view. Women were considered by society, including many Christians, to be at the service of men. From the beginning, Eve desired her husband, Adam, and he ruled over her. The apostle Paul is quoted as saying, “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.” Both have been used through the ages to support the notion of men’s superiority and have become examples of biblical patriarchy. You might wonder how divorce fits into this dynamic. Traditionally, and in many conservative churches today, divorce has been considered an unpardonable sin. I won’t get into verses about divorce here. Suffice it to say that traditional translations can be, and often are, interpreted as divorce being forbidden except in the case of adultery by the offending spouse. Some conservatives even find that an insufficient reason to divorce. There was no attempt by these leaders to look further into biblical meaning and context of these verses. Why would they? If women were allowed to have an equal status in the church and in their marriages, male power would be threatened. Church leaders claimed the right to treat women in just about any way they chose. Following the example of church leaders, husbands were also given free rein to “lord it over” their wives. It seems clear to me that disallowing “divorce” from spiritually abusive churches, and actual divorce from physically and emotionally abusive marriages, kept the patriarchal church functioning. Once women would be free, as equal human beings to leave the abuse, the traditional church would come tumbling down. Traditional marriages would change, too. We see that dynamic happening today. The question, now, is what can we learn from the Jesus' teachings to form spiritually healthy churches and marriages. Stay tuned. Blessings,  Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.  I almost wished my husband would have an affair. Then, it would have been okay, biblically speaking, to clearly identify what was wrong and be given permission to leave. After years of counseling, my marriage was obviously coming to an end. There had been no physical abuse and no physical unfaithfulness. Yet, I felt I had to leave to save my sanity. Our counselor refused to talk about divorce, even though she declared Satan was influencing my husband. Our counselor refused to talk about divorce. She quoted Matthew 19: 9, in which Jesus said, “I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.” I thought a great deal about “unfaithfulness” during that time. It seemed to me that neglect, put-downs, and other negative behaviors could be considered unfaithful. Recently, I read an article by Joel Cade, “Reconciling My Christian Faith and Divorce” that caused me to revisit my reasoning back then. In the article, Cade explains that, in these modern times, the focus is on being unfaithful sexually. In these modern times, the focus is on being unfaithful sexually. However, Christian marriage encompasses much more than that. “It’s about being faithful to one partner with your love, with your honor, with your comfort and keeping those emotional bonds strong only with one partner,” Cade writes. He concludes that, when people share these things with someone outside the marriage, “they are no longer keeping the covenant. They are unfaithful to the marriage covenant.” In emphasizing the sexual aspect of marriage, the kind of relationship Cade calls, “Entertainment Marriage,” we tend to pass over the bedrock of a true marriage union. If we take Cade's reasoning one step further, we can conclude that sexual unfaithfulness is only one sign of broken marriage vows. Hindsight is always best, and it would have been good if I’d had the ability to express my thinking to my counselor as cogently as Cade does, although I suspect he likely benefited from hindsight as well. If you are a Christian and going through the heartbreak of divorce, my prayer is that you may gain some insight, and maybe even comfort, from this discussion. Blessings,  Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.  Are you a Christian who has a story to tell about how your church reacted when it learned of your decision to divorce? Where you shamed? Shunned? Labeled? Just as the MeToo movement has helped the healing of sexually abused victims by sharing their stories, you may find healing in being able to tell your Spiritual Abuse story. By sharing our stories, we can bring to light the Pharisaical attitudes too many churches practice against its divorced parishioners. Let's raise our voices as we seek to spare others the pain the church has inflicted upon us. On the other hand, perhaps your's is a grace-filled church, a good model for embracing divorced people with love and acceptance. Let's hear your stories too. My purpose is to not to destroy the church, but to seek to heal it as it learns to aid in healing the divorced. I urge you to join me in advocating for grace and healing of divorced people within the church by sharing your stories here. I am a writer of the memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, and I want to help you tell your own story. Message me at https://www.facebook.com/LindaMooreKurthWriter. Blessings, Linda Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issue. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.  “This is well written, Linda,” said one of my critique partners, “but I would never buy your book. I can’t relate to your struggle in deciding to divorce. I mean, I believe in God and all that, but trying to live by what the Bible says, besides a few basic principles, doesn’t interest me. Doesn’t God just want us to be happy?” I smiled. “Aah, That’s an interesting question and maybe not as simple as you imagine. I’ll tell you this—if you haven’t seriously asked yourself what is pleasing to God, I wouldn’t expect you to find this story of value. But in the Christian circles that I’ve been a part of, there are men and women like myself, who do ask these questions. In fact, I would guess that divorce among Christians and their relationships is typically more angst-generating then in society in general. What especially interests me is the conflicting answers we come up with. That’s pretty much what my story is about, and those are the readers I want to reach.” God, the Devil, and Divorce: A Transformative Journey out of Emotional and Spiritual Abuse, is not for everyone. And if you do read it, you may not agree with my decisions and conclusions. But it very well might get you to thinking and talking about this subject with one another. In my book, that’s a good thing. What is your understanding of Christian divorce? I hope you'll join this conversation. Blessings,  Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issue. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace. I met Kathleen Pooler on line two or three years ago, and found we had much in common. She loves the Lord, as I do, and she's a mighty fine writer. I found her memoir, Ever Faithful to His Lead: My Journey Away From Emotional Abuse, to be an encouraging read, and am always interested in what her guest bloggers have to say at Memoir Writers Journey. Here, Kathy shares a bit of her story regarding her struggles over divorce and how her church responded. Finding Grace Within the Church by Kathleen Pooler When I married for the first time at the age of twenty-four, I thought I knew what I was doing. My Catholic faith as well as my parent’s own loving marriage had infused me with the expectation that my vows were sacred and would endure life’s challenges. Despite the red flags—my prospective husband Ed’s excessive drinking, and his refusal to attend premarital counseling with the parish priest--I plunged full bore into a life of chaos and uncertainty. It turned out to be far from my dream of finding my Prince Charming. My growing awareness that Ed was an alcoholic and my life was out of control led me to the doorstep of the rectory where I sought the guidance of my parish priest, Father Fulton. Father Fulton was a young priest who sported a cowboy hat and cowboy boots at church functions. He loved to have a good time but he let me down at a time when I needed support and guidance. It was difficult to see beyond my own needs but as I think about it now, he probably had no idea how to help me. The guilt and shame of a possible divorce kept me locked in my own conspiracy of silence. A good Catholic girl in the 1970s did not entertain divorce. Excerpt from Ever Faithful to His Lead: My Journey Away From Emotional Abuse One day I bundled six-month-old Leigh Ann up and dragged her through the snow on a sled, ending up three blocks away on the doorstep of the rectory of the Catholic Church, in tears. Ed had stayed out late again. Another bowling night when I couldn’t sleep. I felt exhausted and sad. I had thought for sure he would change his ways. I’m glad I didn’t give up on my church though. I’m glad I didn’t give up on my church though. Through my trials, I developed a personal bond with a loving God. Several years later, Father was transferred and replaced by an elderly priest who listened with his heart and gave me the tough love and guidance I needed to find my way through the single again world. I always had a faith in God and yet, it wasn’t until I was a single parent with two school-aged children after my first divorce that I found God in a personal way. However, I must have lost sight of that connection, for a few years after, when I met my second husband, I seemed to be driven by a need to be an intact family again rather than guided by faith. It turned out to be at a steep cost. But this soul-shattering mistake led me to a deeper faith and out of a dangerous situation. I began focusing on God as I prayed for discernment and sought guidance through scripture readings. This fed my hope that better days were ahead. I ended up mustering the courage to escape in broad daylight with my two school-age children from a man who showed the capability of being physically abusive. My church community has been very supportive. Back in the 80s when I was a single parent, I joined a group called Separated and Divorced Catholics. Though there was division within the church about accepting divorce, many clergy were open to the changing times and provided me and my children a safe place to nurture our faith and each other. I also went through the process of having my first marriage annulled by the Catholic Church. This was a healing process that enabled me to move forward in my life. With counseling, faith, supportive friends and family, I have been able to see my role in allowing abusive relationships and to forgive myself for subjecting myself and my children to unacceptable behavior. I am very grateful that I was able to extract myself from two abusive marriages and learn from my mistakes. In finding my voice, I found a life of joy, peace and gratitude. I finally feel deserving of all the gifts God wanted for me all along. I’m empowered knowing I am in charge of my choices. While some members of the clergy can be judgmental, I trust my God wants what’s best for me. I know this because every time I have cried out in pain, He has answered and filled me with the peace of His presence. In 1996, as I paced the floor in the emergency room, awaiting the results of a CT scan to identify the cause of shortness of breath and a persistent cough, I had cried out “Lord, give me strength for this battle of my life and for my life”. A sense of total peace washed over me that night and carried me through the next two years of treatment for Stage 4 Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. “Be still, and know that I am God.” God wasn’t on the beach, watching a mountain sunrise, or dreaming by a babbling brook when he said those words he spoke. He was on the battlefield with me, giving me strength.
Kathy lives with her husband Wayne in eastern New York. She blogs weekly at her Memoir Writer’s Journey blog: http://krpooler.com. You can also find her at the following: Twitter @kathypooler https://twitter.com/KathyPooler LinkedIn: Kathleen Pooler: https://www.linkedin.com/pub/kathleen-pooler/16/a95/20a Google+:Kathleen Pooler: https://plus.google.com/109860737182349547026/posts Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/user/show/4812560-kathleen-pooler Facebook: Personal page, Kathy Pooler : https://www.facebook.com/kathleen.pooler Author page, Kathleen Pooler/Memoir Writer’s Journey: https://www.facebook.com/memoirwritersjourney Pinterest http://www.pinterest.com/krpooler/ Linda says: Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com |
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