Help and Healing for Divorced Christians

A Christian Question

4/30/2020

I smiled. “Aah, That’s an interesting question and maybe not as simple as you imagine. I’ll tell you this—if you haven’t seriously asked yourself what is pleasing to God, I wouldn’t expect you to find this story of value. But in the Christian circles that I’ve been a part of, there are men and women like myself, who do ask these questions. In fact, I would guess that divorce among Christians and their relationships is typically more angst-generating then in society in general. What especially interests me is the conflicting answers we come up with. That’s pretty much what my story is about, and those are the readers I want to reach.”

God, the Devil, and Divorce: A Transformative Journey out of Emotional and Spiritual Abuse, is not for everyone. And if you do read it, you may not agree with my decisions and conclusions. But it very well might get you to thinking and talking about this subject with one another. In my book, that’s a good thing.

Blessings,

Linda's memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce: A Transformative Journey out of Emotional and Spiritual Abuse is scheduled to be released in March 2021.

Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com

Author

Linda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir. She's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issue. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.

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I Almost Wished My Husband Would Have an Affair

5/23/2018

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I almost wished my husband would have an affair. Then, it would have been okay, biblically speaking, to clearly identify what was wrong and be given permission to leave.
After years of counseling, my marriage was obviously coming to an end. There had been no physical abuse and no physical unfaithfulness. Yet, I felt I had to leave to save my sanity. Our counselor refused to talk about divorce, even though she declared Satan was influencing my husband.

Our counselor refused to talk about divorce.

She quoted Matthew 19: 9, in which Jesus said, “I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.”
I thought a great deal about “unfaithfulness” during that time. It seemed to me that neglect, put-downs, and other negative behaviors could be considered unfaithful. Recently, I read an article by Joel Cade, “Reconciling My Christian Faith and Divorce” that caused me to revisit my reasoning back then.
In the article, Cade explains that, in these modern times, the focus is on being unfaithful sexually.

In these modern times, the focus is on being unfaithful sexually.

However, Christian marriage encompasses much more than that. “It’s about being faithful to one partner with your love, with your honor, with your comfort and keeping those emotional bonds strong only with one partner,” Cade writes.
He concludes that, when people share these things with someone outside the marriage, “they are no longer keeping the covenant. They are unfaithful to the marriage covenant.”
In emphasizing the sexual aspect of marriage, the kind of relationship Cade calls, “Entertainment Marriage,” we tend to pass over the bedrock of a true marriage union. If we take Cade's reasoning one step further, we can conclude that sexual unfaithfulness is only one sign of broken marriage vows.
Hindsight is always best, and it would have been good if I’d had the ability to express my thinking to my counselor as cogently as Cade does, although I suspect he likely benefited from hindsight as well. If you are a Christian and going through the heartbreak of divorce, my prayer is that you may gain some insight, and maybe even comfort, from this discussion.

Blessings,

Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com

Author

Linda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.

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Tell Your Christian Divorce Story

3/27/2018

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Are you a Christian who has a story to tell about how your church reacted when it learned of your decision to divorce? Where you shamed? Shunned? Labeled?

Just as the MeToo movement has helped the healing of sexually abused victims by sharing their stories, you may find healing in being able to tell your Spiritual Abuse story.

By sharing our stories, we can bring to light the Pharisaical attitudes too many churches practice against its divorced parishioners. Let's raise our voices as we seek to spare others the pain the church has inflicted upon us.

On the other hand, perhaps your's is a grace-filled church, a good model for embracing divorced people with love and acceptance. Let's hear your stories too. My purpose is to not to destroy the church, but to seek to heal it as it learns to aid in healing the divorced.

I urge you to join me in advocating for grace and healing of divorced people within the church by sharing your stories here.

I am a writer of the up-coming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, and I want to help you tell your own story. Message me at https://www.facebook.com/LindaMooreKurthWriter.

Blessings,
Linda

Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com

Author

Linda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issue. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.

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A Christian Question

2/6/2018

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“This is well written, Linda,” said one of my critique partners, “but I would never buy your book. I can’t relate to your struggle in deciding to divorce. I mean, I believe in God and all that, but trying to live by what the Bible says, besides a few basic principles, doesn’t interest me. Doesn’t God just want us to be happy?”

I smiled. “Aah, That’s an interesting question and maybe not as simple as you imagine. I’ll tell you this—if you haven’t seriously asked yourself what is pleasing to God, I wouldn’t expect you to find this story of value. But in the Christian circles that I’ve been a part of, there are men and women like myself, who do ask these questions. In fact, I would guess that divorce among Christians and their relationships is typically more angst-generating then in society in general. What especially interests me is the conflicting answers we come up with. That’s pretty much what my story is about, and those are the readers I want to reach.”

God, the Devil, and Divorce: A Transformative Journey out of Emotional and Spiritual Abuse, is not for everyone. And if you do read it, you may not agree with my decisions and conclusions. But it very well might get you to thinking and talking about this subject with one another. In my book, that’s a good thing.

What is your understanding of Christian divorce? I hope you'll join this conversation.
Blessings,

Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com

Author

Linda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issue. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.

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Finding Grace Within the Church

12/11/2017

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I met Kathleen Pooler on line two or three years ago, and found we had much in common. She loves the Lord, as I do, and she's a mighty fine writer. I found her memoir, Ever Faithful to His Lead: My Journey Away From Emotional Abuse, to be an encouraging read, and am always interested in what her guest bloggers have to say at Memoir Writers Journey. Here, Kathy shares a bit of her story regarding her struggles over divorce and how her church responded.

Finding Grace Within the Church by Kathleen Pooler

When I married for the first time at the age of twenty-four, I thought I knew what I was doing. My Catholic faith as well as my parent’s own loving marriage had infused me with the expectation that my vows were sacred and would endure life’s challenges. Despite the red flags—my prospective husband Ed’s excessive drinking, and his refusal to attend premarital counseling with the parish priest--I plunged full bore into a life of chaos and uncertainty. It turned out to be far from my dream of finding my Prince Charming.

My growing awareness that Ed was an alcoholic and my life was out of control led me to the doorstep of the rectory where I sought the guidance of my parish priest, Father Fulton.

Father Fulton was a young priest who sported a cowboy hat and cowboy boots at church functions. He loved to have a good time but he let me down at a time when I needed support and guidance. It was difficult to see beyond my own needs but as I think about it now, he probably had no idea how to help me. The guilt and shame of a possible divorce kept me locked in my own conspiracy of silence. A good Catholic girl in the 1970s did not entertain divorce.

Excerpt from Ever Faithful to His Lead: My Journey Away From Emotional Abuse

One day I bundled six-month-old Leigh Ann up and dragged her through the snow on a sled, ending up three blocks away on the doorstep of the rectory of the Catholic Church, in tears. Ed had stayed out late again. Another bowling night when I couldn’t sleep. I felt exhausted and sad. I had thought for sure he would change his ways.

“You’ll be half a person if you leave him,” Father Fulton said, looking over at me across his desk as I sobbed while holding Leigh Ann on my lap.

I had no words. I just nodded and left, but I ended up returning several times after that. He mostly listened. Then, one day, he told me he didn’t have any more time for me. I never went back.

Sometimes it was all unbearable. I slipped into a silent depression without even realizing it was enveloping me. I felt isolated, sad, and helpless. I cried a lot but tried to hide it when my mother called or my friends stopped over. After all, I had a beautiful, healthy baby girl, I told myself. I had to be strong, and it would get better.

I’m glad I didn’t give up on my church though.

I’m glad I didn’t give up on my church though. Through my trials, I developed a personal bond with a loving God. Several years later, Father was transferred and replaced by an elderly priest who listened with his heart and gave me the tough love and guidance I needed to find my way through the single again world.
I always had a faith in God and yet, it wasn’t until I was a single parent with two school-aged children after my first divorce that I found God in a personal way. However, I must have lost sight of that connection, for a few years after, when I met my second husband, I seemed to be driven by a need to be an intact family again rather than guided by faith. It turned out to be at a steep cost.

But this soul-shattering mistake led me to a deeper faith
and out of a dangerous situation.

I began focusing on God as I prayed for discernment and sought guidance through scripture readings. This fed my hope that better days were ahead. I ended up mustering the courage to escape in broad daylight with my two school-age children from a man who showed the capability of being physically abusive.

My church community has been very supportive.

Back in the 80s when I was a single parent, I joined a group called Separated and Divorced Catholics. Though there was division within the church about accepting divorce, many clergy were open to the changing times and provided me and my children a safe place to nurture our faith and each other. I also went through the process of having my first marriage annulled by the Catholic Church. This was a healing process that enabled me to move forward in my life.
With counseling, faith, supportive friends and family, I have been able to see my role in allowing abusive relationships and to forgive myself for subjecting myself and my children to unacceptable behavior. I am very grateful that I was able to extract myself from two abusive marriages and learn from my mistakes. In finding my voice, I found a life of joy, peace and gratitude. I finally feel deserving of all the gifts God wanted for me all along.

I’m empowered knowing I am in charge of my choices.

While some members of the clergy can be judgmental, I trust my God wants what’s best for me. I know this because every time I have cried out in pain, He has answered and filled me with the peace of His presence. In 1996, as I paced the floor in the emergency room, awaiting the results of a CT scan to identify the cause of shortness of breath and a persistent cough, I had cried out “Lord, give me strength for this battle of my life and for my life”. A sense of total peace washed over me that night and carried me through the next two years of treatment for Stage 4 Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma.
“Be still, and know that I am God.” God wasn’t on the beach, watching a mountain sunrise, or dreaming by a babbling brook when he said those words he spoke. He was on the battlefield with me, giving me strength.

Author Kathleen Pooler

Kathleen Pooler is an author and a retired Family Nurse Practitioner whose memoir, Ever Faithful to His Lead: My Journey Away From Emotional Abuse, published on July 28, 2014 and work-in-progress sequel, The Edge of Hope (working title) are about how the power of hope through her faith in God helped her to transform, heal and transcend life’s obstacles and disappointments: domestic abuse, divorce, single parenting, loving and letting go of an alcoholic son, cancer and heart failure to live a life of joy and contentment. She believes that hope matters and that we are all strengthened and enlightened when we share our stories.

Kathy lives with her husband Wayne in eastern New York. She blogs weekly at her Memoir Writer’s Journey blog: http://krpooler.com. You can also find her at the following:

Twitter @kathypooler https://twitter.com/KathyPooler
LinkedIn: Kathleen Pooler: https://www.linkedin.com/pub/kathleen-pooler/16/a95/20a
Google+:Kathleen Pooler: https://plus.google.com/109860737182349547026/posts
Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/user/show/4812560-kathleen-pooler
Facebook:
Personal page, Kathy Pooler : https://www.facebook.com/kathleen.pooler
Author page, Kathleen Pooler/Memoir Writer’s Journey: https://www.facebook.com/memoirwritersjourney
Pinterest http://www.pinterest.com/krpooler/

Linda says: Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com

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The Bible and Divorce: My Understanding

7/24/2017

3 Comments

When I was going through a divorce after twenty-five years of marriage, I experienced a dichotomy of responses from the church and other Christians. Typically, conservative churches focus on the law, particularly on Matthew 19
verse 9: “I tell you that anyone who

divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.”
Based on this passage, I was told I did not have God's permission to divorce, and I needed to stay in my unhealthy marriage. I had difficulty believing God wanted this for me, even though the bible is clear that God hates divorce. Other passages indicate that divorce is a covenant relationship. Preachers and theologians have also used this passage to insist that divorce is a sin.
Eventually, I came to believe that my husband had irretrievably broken our marriage, and I discerned God's permission to divorce.
Wrestling with the decision to divorce opened my mind to how controversial this subject is, and I continue to read scholarly studies, wanting to understand God's heart. David Instone-Brewer’s book, Divorce and Remarriage in the Church: Biblical Solutions for Pastoral Realities, makes sense to me. He writes, “My hope is that the church will rediscover the biblical principles that divorce should occur only when marriage vows are broken and that only the wronged partner may decide whether this will happen." He writes:

There were no debates about the validity of neglect and abuse as grounds for divorce in any ancient Jewish literature, for the same reason that there are none about the oneness of God: these principles were unanimously agreed on. Rather than indicating that Jesus did not accept the validity of divorce for neglect and abuse, his silence about it highlights the fact that he did accept it, like all other Jews at that time.

This acceptance of abuse and neglect as grounds for divorce indicates that those actions fall under the heading of marital unfaithfulness, as mentioned by Jesus in Matthew 5:32. A husband who neglects or abuses his wife is being unfaithful to her every bit as much as through sexual infidelity. The same applies to the wife. I also found Instone-Brewer's look at the concept of “covenant” to be enlightening. You may want to get a copy of Instone-Brewer's book to read more.
I don’t believe that, if a marriage gets tough, the only answer is to leave. I’ve heard Christian people declare “God just wants us to be happy,” using that as permission to divorce. This idea cannot be found in the Bible. The following passage, written by the apostle Paul, is the bedrock of my understanding that we have a choice and how we are to make it.

You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another humbly in love. For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: Love your neighbor as yourself.” (Galatians 5:13-14 (NIV)

I believe God calls us to do our best to love our spouse and make our marriage work. I also believe this passage means we are free to make the choice to divorce if the marriage is irretrievably broken. We should not leave out of hate but rather seek to maintain agape love — love that is merciful, full of grace and unselfish, seeking the best for the other while maintaining respect for ourselves.
Blessings,

Instone-Brewer, David. Divorce and Remarriage in the Church: Biblical Solutions for Pastoral Realities, Downers Grove: IVP Books, 2007

Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com

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