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Divorce Transition: The Importance of Saying Goodbye to Your Old Life

1/3/2022

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Navigating the transition period between being newly divorced and finding the new you.

*I’m struggling to understand who I am — a weak sob sister, or a capable, confident woman. My counselor assures me I’m in transition.
My life is rapidly changing as I struggle to find firm footing. I have to deal with mail coming for Jim. I have a problem with my new health insurance. I have to open a new bank account and close our old joint one. I cancel department store credit cards I haven’t used for years. After the unsatisfactory talk with the pastor about forgiveness, I’m looking for a new church. I have to find a cheaper place to live. I need a job. I need to make new single friends. I need to find my mind.
     After years of trying to fix my marriage, I’d felt God’s permission to leave. I’d been mentally preparing myself for a life after divorce, but, when it happened, I fell into a period of shock. ​What I didn’t understand was that I’d be entering the transition period between being newly divorced and eventual recovery. Whether or not you’ve made the decision to divorce, or your ex-spouse did, you will likely experience a time of transition similar to my own and to many, many others.
Divorce is one of the most difficult transitions a person can go through.
     Divorce is one of the most difficult transitions a person can go through. Your sense of self is altered from being part of a union to being on your own in the world. If you have kids at home, you’ve now become a fractured family. Your financial security may be questionable. Your support system may change or even fail. You may even question your life’s purpose. Find comfort in the knowledge that you are not alone in this experience. Learning from others’ paths to normalcy and sanity may help you navigate your own transition with less trauma.
     Much information exists these days about divorce recovery and moving forward which is what most of us want to achieve. But before that successfully happens, we need to recognize the transition period that occurs first. Elisabeth Kubler Ross and David Kessler identified five stages of grief which have strong similarities with the transition period: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. It’s important to note that these stages don’t necessarily occur in this order, and we can find ourselves cycling through them more than once.
I joked that “time wounds all heels.”
     It’s been said that “time heals all wounds" (In the angry stage after my divorce, I joked that “time wounds all heels.”), but we need more than just time. On my journey to divorce recovery, I became friends with a woman who had been divorced for several years. As we became better acquainted, I discovered that the mere thought of being in the same room with her ex threw her into a panic. She’d allowed her divorce experience to taint her view of all men. It even damaged her relationship with her adult daughter. For her, time did very little to ease her pain; she was stuck in the anger stage.
     I’m hoping that if you are in the transition period of divorce, the information I offer here can help move you through to hope and healing. I write from my own experience and that of several experts. 
Denial
I’m obsessed with the fear that, by marrying Lady Friend, Jim will be making the biggest mistake of his life. I tell myself that maybe our marriage hadn’t been so bad. I send him an email, asking him to come back
Night after night I dream of Jim. Sometimes he’s returned, and I’m so glad. Other times, I beg him to leave Lady Friend and come back to me. I wake from these nightmares to the void on his side of the bed and howl with rage and loneliness.
You want your old life back.
​     You want your old life back and you hold onto the hope that your marriage will be restored. You hope that by convincing your spouse you can change, he will return. Or maybe you enlist friends or your religious community to try to convince him to return. You beg God to fix the mess you’re in. The hard lesson is that you can’t control the thoughts, desires, or actions of another person.
     This was difficult for me to learn, but when I finally got it, I had to forgive myself for thinking I had the power to change my husband and the circumstances in which I found myself. I’d been begging God for years to fix my marriage. But I finally understood that, because He gives us free will, He wasn’t going to use my plans and intervene.
Anger
I drive down the freeway, pounding the steering wheel and calling him every bad name I can think of at the top of my lungs. I work like a madwoman in the yard, attacking the thick rhododendrons with my pruning shears even though I will soon have to leave this house. Whack! Whack! Whack!
Bam! Bam! Bam! I hit at the legs, trying to loosen the old glue and nails [so we can move the table into my new office]. Bam! I’m shouting, “Take that, Jim, you SOB!” “How does that feel, Jim?” “You’re a stinking turd, Jim!” Bam! Bam!
Express your anger in healthy ways.
     The most important lesson about anger is that it’s good to express it in healthy ways and then let it go. Try to recognize what actions and emotions trigger your anger. Don’t be surprised when your anger pops up unexpectedly, but try accessing it in a safe place like the privacy of your own home or with safe people. Physical workouts can help, too. “Multiple studies demonstrate that daily exercise, especially a program that includes aerobics, can prevent or reduce feelings of depression. Now, there is new information available about the possible impact that exercise might have on feelings of anger.”1
     If you can’t seem to get beyond your anger, consult with a counselor who can help you explore its core source. Hanging on to anger is akin to swallowing hot coals that eat at your soul and keep you from moving forward.
Bargaining
I wonder what truly separated us. Besides food, work, and religion, had there been something else I didn’t know? Jim has been hiding behind his religion, but what does it matter now? I chastise myself for wasting so much emotional energy on him. I need to let God, who knows the whole truth, deal with him.
Can't I skip it?
   You’ve had enough! If only you could skip the rest of this transition and be whole and well again. But that’s not how our brain and emotions work. Now that you’re beyond the angry stage (well, mostly!), you feel the crushing reality of your divorce. You turn to bargaining, also called “The Time of Understanding.” You may spend much time and mental energy restructuring reality. “If only I had…” “If he hadn’t…” “God, why did you let this happen?” None of this bargaining works in the end, and it’s a little crazy isn’t it? But somehow, many of us have to go through this stage of recovery. I love this quote by Mary Pipher: “To wish that certain things didn’t happen is to wish that I am not myself."2
Depression
A friend tells me, "When your horse dies, get off." My marriage has died, but I’m finding that letting go is not so easy. Twenty-five years is a long time with someone. Someone else tells me that divorce is like removing ivy from a brick wall. Even though it’s cut off at the root, the tendrils still need to be pulled away, leaving the brick face raw. I have some painful pulling a way to do, and I’m already feeling raw.
Although most of the time I believe I had every right—maybe even an imperative—to leave Jim, part of me is still processing this issue. My counselor is fine letting me talk it out. Because I’m such an emotional mess, he puts me on Paxil, an antidepressant, and suggests I write a list of what I know about myself.
Depression can be scary!
     Depression can be scary but is a natural result of the trauma of divorce and nothing to be ashamed of. You may take to your bed for long periods of time. You may lose interest in food, eating only enough to survive. Personally, I lost quite a bit of weight on what is jokingly called the “Divorce Diet.”
     I was helped by joining a divorce recovery group and finding a counselor who aided me in regaining a healthy sense of myself. Force yourself to try something new that has sparked your interest in the past. I took up ballroom dancing and felt joy for the first time since the divorce. What can bring you joy?
Letting Go
I dreamt last night that Jim and I are still married. He informs me he’s fallen in love with someone else. I’m devastated, and I press him for details. He tells me it’s Pat, our friend.
“Pat? What a mismatch!” I say, sick at heart. “You have nothing in common.”
“Well,” he says, “She doesn’t fart. I can’t stand your farts.”
“You fart!” I say. “How could you have another lover and leave me?” But in mid-thought, I stop. “All right, go to her. She can have you! I want a husband who will love me and stick by me!”
I wake in my lovely bedroom with a big smile on my face. I’m cured! (Well, mostly.)
Oh, what a relief!
     What a relief to let go! As the great philosopher, Adele, sings: “It’s hard but we must we’ve got to let it go and turn off the urge to know what could have been.”3 You no longer work to try to change things that cannot be changed. You understand that you were not faultless in your marriage … that no one is … but you can forgive yourself and can even entertain the possibility of forgiving your ex someday too. You feel more optimistic and begin to make plans for your future.
Acceptance
I awake with these words in my head: Accept the love that had been there.
You're able to look forward.
     The key to transitions is being able to say goodbye to what was so recently your reality, or what you perceived to be the state of your marriage. In order to move forward, you accept what has happened and learn to live with it.
     It helps to remember that endings mean that new beginnings follow. Now that you have experienced divorce, you will be changed. The transition process has been painful at times ... akin to climbing a steep mountain. You’ve come through the wilderness and have found yourselves again … wiser and more self-aware. You’ve discovered new strength you didn’t know you had, and you begin to look ahead with hope. You understand you have much to say about what those new beginnings will be.
     William Burges suggests we look at transitions as a natural part of life: “Endings and beginnings, emptiness and germination in between: that is the shape of the transition periods in our lives.” We may not recognize it as a pattern of life. Certainly, it usually happens on a less dramatic scale, but, if we can accept that transitions are a natural part of life, it will be easier to look forward to the new beginning we experience after divorce.”4
   Faith played a big part in my divorce transition and recovery.
   Even though I was frightened by my circumstances, I clung God’s promise that He would not fail me, much like David in the bible. The following two bible verses especially helped sustain me:
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The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. Psalm 23 NIV

For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jer. 29:11 NIV
I don’t pretend to understand how God worked all this out, but I’m certain He had (and still has) plans for me, to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me a hope and a future. God has blessed me in ways I’d never allowed Him before I walked through the Refiner’s fire. When I was cut to the core, I discovered what is important in life and what are mere trappings. In the dark depths of the night, He cradled me in His arms. Now I feel His hand on my shoulder. I am secure in Him and nothing much shakes me these days. I know without a doubt that God is good all the time.
I hope and pray you emerge from your divorce transition strong and at peace, looking forward to the future.
Blessings,
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*These quoted blocks of text are from diary excerpts in my recent memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce: A Transformative Journey Out of Emotional and Spiritual Abuse. See more here.
  1. Schwartz, Allan N. “Exercise, Can It Reduce Angry Feelings?” https://www.mentalhelp.net/exercise/and-anger/
  2. Pipher, Mary. The Shelter of Each Other. ‎Riverhead Books; 2nd ed, 2008
  3. “Can’t Be Together” Songwriters: Adele Laurie Blue Adkins / Ludwig Emil Tomas Goransson
  4. Burges, William. Transitions: Making Sense of Life’s Changes. Da Capo Lifelong Books, 2019
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Overcoming Divorce Trauma with “Radical Acceptance”

11/2/2021

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Photo curtesy of Ryan Moreno at UnSplash

​My spirit always takes a nosedive when I think about engaging with the woman sitting alone during coffee time at church. 

 
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Chances are you know someone like her. I’d chatted with her a couple of times and noticed other people had kindly stopped to talk with her, too. But she doesn’t seem to have any real connection with any of us. I understand, as my spirit always takes a nosedive when I think about engaging with her followed by guilt for wanting to turn away. Oh sure, she’s clean and articulate, and I’ve discovered she’s quite creative and talented. Now here comes the “but”: she’s the perfect poster child for the Debbie Downers of this world. 
     For sake of anonymity, let’s call her “Deb.” Don’t worry about her seeing this post and recognizing herself … she doesn’t have access to the Internet and her computer is in storage. And that's just the beginning.  Deb has many more reasons to be down on life as I found out that day. The big number one is that she’s currently homeless and couch surfing. She’s struggling with getting unemployment pay. Being homeless, she can’t do her drawing because it takes up too much room and, besides, all her materials are in storage with her computer …. storage she’s struggling to pay. She misses her cat, which is staying with a “friend” who won’t let her see the cat. And on it goes. What tipped the scales for me though, was when she lamented that the treats the church was serving that day … apple crisp, carrot cake, and apple bread … weren’t cookies instead.
     I do feel sorry for her, and I’m frustrated that all I seem to be able to offer her are my sympathies and prayer. I’ve given up trying to make any suggestions. They are always met with “Yes, but …” replies. To be honest, I’m tired of hearing her sad story which never includes a positive note. My question is what am I going to do about my relationship with this woman? I think that very question is an approach that may help me answer the question. Sound convoluted? Be patient. I will eventually explain. 
First I'm going to go global and examine trauma
and a radical method of overcoming it.
     Let’s look at three examples of people who were in unhappy circumstances and what they did about it. 
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     In her book, Taming the Dragons: Choices for Women in Conflict and Pain, Brenda Wilbee demonstrates to readers that there is always something we can do to change our circumstances for the better, no matter how small that change may be. One of her examples describes the horrible night her volatile ex-husband arrived and took many household items he declared to be his. That included her children’s only form of entertainment, their record player. Although Brenda was reluctant to stand up for herself, her motherlove propelled her to advocate for her kids. She summoned her courage and called her ex. Think how difficult that must have been, afraid he would be nasty, struggling to keep her body and her voice from shaking, trying to remain rational. As calmly as she could, she explained what the record player meant to their children. His response surprised her. Within the week, he brought a smaller player they could enjoy. Brenda was able to make a positive change by accepting that her ex’s behavior was awful. But, just maybe, if she made a small request without resorting to anger, she could cause the situation to become a little better.
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     An Oslo, Norway man had responsibilities which kept him from spending significant blocks of time camping, but he very much missed spending time in the forest. Accepting this reality, he came up with a simple plan … something he could do. He would spend one night in the same spot in the forest every month for a year. During that year, he learned “In the woods, there is no one to help you and nothing is going to get better unless you do something about it.” He observed each time he went into the woods, “that something had changed,” and that included himself.
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     Maybe we’re caught by surprise, hardly able to believe the kind of situation in which we find ourselves. “Unbelievable!” we mumble under our breath or scream at the universe while shaking our fists. That’s where I found myself after my divorce. To put it simply, my husband had not been kind to me for years. When I finally got up the courage to leave, I discovered he had already found someone else and secretly married her within a month of our divorce. I nearly went out of my mind, not wanting to accept that he had cheated on me. I had nightmares in which I begged him to come back. It took a while to accept the fact that our divorce was as real as was his marriage, and it couldn’t be undone. When I was finally able to acknowledge those facts in my mind and body, I could take small positive steps toward my new life and begin the process of healing.

     All three of these stories illustrate accepting reality and making small changes to create a better future. Recently I was introduced to the psychological theory of Radical Acceptance. It seemed to me the practice formalizes a way to help hurting people, including those going through a divorce, to process their pain and move beyond it to a better future by choosing to view it in a non-judgmental way. Here’s a brief description of my understanding of how it works.

How to Move on Through Radical Acceptance
  • Accept the situation. It is what it is.  It might have been wrong on many levels, but it can’t be undone.
  • Let go of the idea that it shouldn’t have happened.
  • Acknowledge your grief and disappointment.
  • Survey yourself and your life without judgment or condemnation.
  • Imagine the outcome you want from your current situation.
  • Be realistic about what you can and cannot control. Look for small positive steps.
  • Practice mindfulness and live in the present moment.
  • Ask yourself, “Am I learning anything about myself? What lessons can I take away from this?”
  • How can things be different in the future?
  • (My add - Trust God to help you see where you can begin healing by making  small positive changes.)

Let's get back to Deb.
      Although Deb's problem isn’t about divorce, her outlook on life is an example of how those of us who go through trauma can be our own worst enemy by focusing on the problems we face and not on accepting the reality of our situation. We become stuck and don’t consider what we can do to change things for the better, even if the changes begin very small. I believe Deb might be able benefit from practicing Radical Acceptance, but here’s the thing, it’s not up to me to fix her. If I choose to engage with her again, I can ask her something like, “So, what’s your next step? What can you possibly do?” or I can choose to avoid getting into conversation with her. I’ll see what the Holy Spirit prompts me to do at the next opportunity.
     I’m very grateful for my own recovery, God's provision, and the help and guidance I received. My heart goes out to those who are currently suffering from the trauma of divorce. If you find this approach as promising as I do, there are several Internet sites where you can further explore this approach. I’d love to hear what you think of this method as applied to divorce healing.  As for me, I think I'll change my motto from "Trust God and do the next thing," to "Accept what is, then t
rust God and do the next thing."
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​Blessings,
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 Origins of Radical Acceptance
The concept of radical acceptance has its origins in dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), proposed by psychologist Marsha Linehan in 1993. This type of therapy was designed to help those diagnosed with borderline personality disorder who experience intense emotions. However, it is also helpful for other issues such as depression and eating disorders.. During DBT, clients are taught how to practice distress tolerance which enables them to stop turning painful situations into longer-term suffering. https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-radical-acceptance-5120614
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Also, see 
When Radical Acceptance Is Not Appropriate

Author

Linda is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her new memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.

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I welcome your comments and feedback.
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After Divorce: What to Keep, What to Toss, and How to Do It

8/31/2021

2 Comments

 
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Photo by Erda Estremera on Unsplash

“Mom,” my son said in a recent phone call, “I’m going to be scattering Dad’s ashes in the mountains next month. Planning this made me realize I don't have any good pictures of Dad.

Would you happen to have any pictures you can send me?”
Would you happen to have any pictures you can send to me?” he asked.
     Many years have passed, and I’ve moved several times since the divorce. Thanks to the journals I kept, however, I remember my decisions on what to keep and what to eliminate. I’d felt great rage when I learned my ex had a serious relationship with another woman during the latter part of our marriage. My instinct was to throw out everything he’d touched. The pragmatic side of me prevented that from happening (well mostly), which left me with some tough decisions to make. What I learned from that experience may help those of you who are newly divorced to make good decisions about what to toss, what to keep, and how to do it. The following is in the order that makes the most sense to me, but your circumstance may dictate a different order.

Get rid of (most) items that trigger bad memories
Take inventory of your items and consider what they mean to you. Unless these are things your children might want later, dispose of them now. I found satisfaction in passing off to my soon-to-be ex those items that reminded me of unpleasant parts of our marriage. Here’s a journal entry from my memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, of our divvying up our belongings:
   Jim came over in the evening to get more of his stuff. I gave him some of our dishes and the tortilla press. When he saw the press, a half-smile passed across his face. He and I had attended a session at the Santa Fe School of Cooking, and he’d implied we’d try making some of the dishes together when we returned home. When I realized his help was not to be, I made the them by myself. He declared he didn’t like tortillas.”
   I also gave him the toaster in which he often burned his toast, even though he knew I didn’t like the smell. He’d claimed the toaster didn’t work right, but I knew otherwise. Pushing these things off on him felt good.

​Are you moving? Sell or give away what you don’t like or have use for before the move
     Many divorces result in one or both parties having to move. The more items you retain, the more expensive the move. Again, envision what you want your new surroundings to look like and let those things go that don’t fit your new life.
     I began by selling a few antiques I would no longer be using to an antique shop. I employed a moving service as well as the help of family. When one cousin helping out admired a heavy chest, I gave it to him. I gave my ex the leather sofa and chair his cat had scratched up, plus our big bedroom furniture. This saved me a ton of moving expense and cleared the way for creating an atmosphere in my new place that was just for me. Another cousin helped me with a garage sale. From my journal:
   Ros comes over to help with my garage sale. I sell the tent that we seldom used along with silver, china, and the crystal Jim’s mother had given me. We do a happy dance when she totals the proceeds. After the sale, I take a big box of Jim’s things to the post office, remembering the character in the movie Saint Maybe, who spent her last dime getting rid of her ex-husband’s stuff. The postage comes to $16.00—a cheap price for “shaking off” more of Jim from my life.
     I felt fine giving up the idea of entertaining on a grand scale. Not only did parting with these things cut down even more on my moving cost, the sale helped pay for it! Focus on the benefits to you and others in selling or giving away items.

What about the dog?
     You may have to decide who gets the pets. Hopefully you and your ex can avoid a custody dispute. If it comes to that, a judge will look at who took the most care of the pet. Try doing that yourselves without it becoming a legal matter. In our case, we agreed that my ex would get the cat that scratched furniture, and I would get the older cat and the dog, as those two had always been my primary responsibility. Since I wasn’t employed, my ex promised to take care of any vet bills that might occur. I suppose I should have asked for that promise in writing, but he did follow through even though he whined about it.

Evidence of cheating
     Talk about triggering! If you have proof of his cheating during your marriage, what do you do with it? Simply tearing up the incriminating evidence and throwing it in the trash may not feel significant enough. I solved that with a lovely divorce ceremony attended by my pastor and close friends.
   During the ceremony, I burn our marriage vows and the papers from Jim’s desk that fateful night I discovered his betrayal —a receipt from Skamania Lodge [where he took his new woman for dinner] and programs from church services he attended with her. I resolve to no longer let those bitter memories have a hold on me. Instead, I’ll rely on the Lord’s help in creating a better future.

​Should you keep his name or “let go” of it? What if you change your mind?
     You might have several reasons for keeping his name including the perceived benefit for your children or if it’s part of your professional name. This decision will likely be included in the divorce decree. But what if you have second thoughts perhaps triggered by new revelations of your ex’s betrayal, and you feel you must rid yourself of his name? 
     
That was my experience. Since I’d had my ex’s name for twenty-five years, I'd decided to keep it. But after my ex secretly married within a month of our divorce, my eyes were fully opened, and I couldn’t get rid of his name fast enough. So much time had passed since I’d had my maiden name that I didn’t care to go back to it. I decided to keep it as my middle name and adopt a favorite grandmother’s maiden name as my last name. It turned out it was pretty easy to do. In a short while, I was before a judge and had my new name.
   I change my name on everything, even my car registration. I’m told it’s not necessary, but it’s necessary to me. I don’t want his name on anything of mine. The photo on my new driver’s license is one of my best ever.
Here’s a link that tells how to go about changing your name:
https://www.findlaw.com/family/divorce/changing-your-name-after-divorce.html

Your wedding ring
     Your wedding ring may very well remind you of your broken marriage; so why keep it? Unless it's a family heirloom, you’ll probably want to part with it. If it has some monetary value, you may want to sell it or have it remade into a different piece of jewelry. Selling it can help pay for expenses related to your divorce, allow you to buy a new ring, or the money can be put aside for something special in the future for you or your children. My wedding ring had little value, so after discovering my spouse's duplicity, I gave it back to him.
   I want to tear Jim limb from limb. I tear apart a picture of the two of us and take off my wedding ring, one of the matching bands we’d had made by a Santa Fe jeweler, designed with circles (my preference), and squares (Jim’s preference). I leave the photo and the ring on his office chair. What symbolism!
If I hadn’t gotten rid of the ring then, it would have been appropriate to do something with it at the divorce ceremony.

Gifts from your spouse and mementos purchased together
     In happier days, your spouse may have given you some gifts that were both sentimental and valuable. If they were given to appease you, by all means dispose of them by selling or giving them away. However, there may be a part of you that still wants to hang on to some evidence of value in your marriage. Most likely there were some good things that occurred, and it’s all right to remember those. While you might not want to wear a dress he bought you, sometime in the future you might enjoy a special piece of jewelry or a work of art he gave you.
     I’m glad I kept the squash blossom turquoise necklace my ex gave me as a wedding gift. I also cherish an unusual collector’s items he went miles out of his way to get for me. Enough time has elapsed since our divorce, I can allow some memories 
of the good moments we had to warm my heart.

Bedding and sleepwear
     You may want to discard everything that touched your ex’s skin, especially bedding and sleepwear. I certainly did. I gave all our bedding to my ex, perversely chuckling at what his new love might think of it. You might even want to begin anew with fresh towels.
   I revel in the freedom of making the interior of the townhouse my own. I indulge myself, buying yards of paisley-and-rose-patterned Ralph Lauren fabric and make a duvet cover of my own design. I’m crazy for paisley. I spend hours sewing, and it turns out well, with a big, contrasting welt around the sides and bottom. I also buy new sheets, untouched by Jim’s skin, and silk pajamas, giving me comfort these dark nights.

When you can’t decide
      Create a stash. You’ve been having to make so many decisions your probably emotionally spent.  Hopefully you have a space where you can keep a few boxes for items you’ve yet to decide upon.
Give yourself a break. ​Put your feet up and take a breath. Maybe even a little snooze.
   At long last, I take a load off, resting in the old rocking chair while rubbing my hands over the worn raised pattern of the fabric. Rachel Cat jumps in my lap and almost tips me backwards. After regaining our balance, we settle in for a little snooze. I dream Jim has a choice between eating three pieces of bacon and saving our marriage. He chooses the bacon. Pretty accurate, I think, when I awake.

What Not to throw Out
     Here’s what I suggest you keep. If you still have some things belonging to your ex, ask him what he’d like done with them. Create a filing system for important papers like your divorce decree, spousal support documents, papers relating to a house you may own, tax returns, etc. What about those family photos? Those may go into that stash to be decided upon later when you have more emotional energy. If you have children, they will probably enjoy having some visual reminders of happier times with your intact family. If the times were tough, if there had been abuse, perhaps the photos can help your children process that.

What did I do about my sons’ request for photos of his father? I found a few good ones I’d kept in a basket of family photos. It had been years since I’d looked at them, and they were a nice reminder of the good times we’d had together. I scanned them and sent them off, at peace with how my life has unfolded.


I applaud you for your intentionality in navigating the beginning of this new chapter in your life. My wish for you is that you can eventually find that same contentment I've found.

​Blessings on your journey,
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Author

The quotes in this post are from Linda's recently published memoir. She is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her new memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.

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I welcome your comments and feedback.
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How to Help a Friend after Divorce

8/10/2021

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Priscilla du preez for Unsplash

When a woman loses her husband after a divorce, many people feel at a loss as to how to help.

 
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A close friend or relative has recently been divorced and is trying to adjust to her new circumstances. You know she’s going through a lot. Typically, when a woman loses her husband because of his death, people rush to provide casseroles for her. 
 But when a woman loses her husband because of divorce, many people feel at a loss and end up doing next to nothing. Or worse … they abandon her altogether. Not only might she lose friends, but favorite in-laws whom she’s regarded as family may also depart. You’re a good friend and you want to support her. Here are some suggestion on ways you might be able to help.
  • Show up! Don’t know what to say or do? Bring her something to eat so make it simple like pizza and a salad. She may be on the “divorce diet” and not feel like eating much, but food is a great way of facilitating a conversation. Bring her a basket of luxury bath products so she can indulge herself. In her memoir How to Sleep Alone in a King-Sized Bed, Theo Nester tells of one friend who spent several nights sleeping next to her in that otherwise lonely big bed after the divorce.  
  • Listen, listen, listen. Your friend might be needing to process things out loud. Is she questioning herself for her decision to divorce? Is she wondering what she did wrong in her marriage? At the same time, don’t press her to tell all. Your non-judgmental listening and reassurance might be the most important help you can give her at this time. Humor may help, too. I’ll never forget my cousin’s response when I told her my ex had arranged for yard service after he left. “Jim’s generosity is like sending aid to Nicaragua, but not being willing to serve in the local soup kitchen on Thursday nights.” Her snarky comment lightened my mood considerably.
  • Let her trash her ex but don’t you do it. You might come across as implying your friend had used bad judgment in marrying the guy, or she might reconcile with him and then you’d be on the outs with them both. Accepting how she feels is the safest way to go.​

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  • Provide reassurance. Show her you trust in her capabilities. At a family gathering, a relative told me: “You’re vivacious, charming, educated, capable, and talented. You’re going to be fine after you get over this little hump.” While I didn’t consider my divorce a “little hump” I appreciated the affirmation that I had good things going for me.​
  • Encourage her to get professional help but don’t press if she is resistant. Perhaps you or another friend has benefited from seeing a therapist, and you can share that experience as an encouragement. Do you know of a divorce recovery group nearby? Offer to accompany her to her first session.
  • Ask her! What does she need? Is it taking the kids for a while? Grocery shopping? Doing the laundry? Do what you can to lighten her load.
  • Help her with moving. If she needs to find a new place, offer to go with her as she looks. Help procure packing materials as well as doing some of the packing. I was able to find a place and arrange for a moving service, but my energy flagged when it came to packing. Friends and family showed up and helped finish. Then, they actually moved some of my things, saving me from a huge moving bill and more importantly, making me feel love and supported.
  • Lend your husband, boyfriend, or brother. There may be chores or repairs your friend needs done that she or you can’t do. I admit this one can be tricky. When I asked a male friend to help me with setting up my computer, his wife came along. It was clear to me she didn’t want me trying to seduce him, which I thought was hilarious. Realistically, though, newly divorced persons may be vulnerable to kindness by the opposite sex. I don’t recommend this “lending” to become a pattern. Perhaps your husband can teach her to help herself. Now that I’m remarried, I often lend my husband to the single woman across the street for her technical problems. (I trust both of them.) When we take ballroom dancing lessons, I lend him there too, remembering how I sometimes felt as a single person. 
  • Take her to a movie, dinner, or other entertainment. Give her a glimpse of fun times that await her in the future. Invite her (and her kids) into your home for a meal.​​
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  • Take her to a movie, dinner, or other entertainment. Give her a glimpse of fun times that await her in the future. Invite her (and her kids) into your home for a meal.
  • If you and she belong to a group, be sure to encourage her to participate. She may decline at first, but continue to let her know she’s always welcome. 
  • Be especially mindful of important dates and holidays. Valentines Day can be especially hard. Find a way to let her know she’s loved by bringing her flowers, treats, or a sweet card. A long-distance friend sent me a birthday card full of affirmations: “God is leading you and there is a future. It’s bound to be blessed, because you know God more profoundly and personally, having been through tough times. My prayer for you is healing, hope, and wonderful surprises.” I began to look forward to those “surprises.” 
  • Hang in there with her. It might be tempting to swoop in and solve her immediate problems, then be gone. Remember, since it usually takes a while to recover from something as traumatic as a divorce, create a sustainable strategy that lets your friend know you are there for her when she needs you. (Pace yourself so you don’t get burned out.) A long-distance couple called me weekly over an extended period to check on me and let me know I wasn’t forgotten. I cherish them to this day.
I’m a firm believer in karma – what goes around comes around. Your friend is probably going through the most devastating experience of her life. Offering her support will likely mean everything to her. Hopefully you won’t have to go through a divorce yourself, but you may too need help from friends one day. Be grateful you are able to provide help for your friend now.

​Blessings on your journey,

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Author

The quotes in this post are from Linda's recently published memoir. She is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her new memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.

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I welcome your comments and feedback.
0 Comments

How to Ask for Help after a Divorce

7/28/2021

1 Comment

 
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Photo by Hannah Busing on Unsplash


​Divorce can happen to the best of us and to the worst of us.


I recently heard a talk on how to help someone who is in crisis. The speaker stated that people experiencing trouble usually want to keep their problems to themselves, and the reason is often shame.​“Shame” is the first issue we need to address here, as it can keep you (the divorced person) from receiving the help you need and deserve. Divorce happens to the best of us and to the worst of us. 
     
Fortunately, I felt no shame over my divorce and was open to receiving help. I was amazed and grateful for all the different ways I received help in the aftermath of my divorce, some of it I asked for, and some that seemed to miraculously appear. (You can read all about it in my recently published memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce.)
Shame often points to pride
     The feeling of shame over a divorce often points to pride. You can no longer claim to have the marriage and life you believe you should have or that you deserve. Whether or not your spouse was to blame or you were, your new circumstances are the same. You are experiencing the trauma of divorce and you can probably use some help. If you are feeling shame, I urge you to let it go. In doing so, you will be open to accepting the love and support that is waiting for you.
What to Ask For: Ten Suggestions
     Here are ten suggestions for friends, family, and professionals who might help you get through those first difficult weeks after your divorce. These folks may not know exactly what you need so go ahead and ask!
  1. Seek professional counsel. Your insurance, your church, or a friend may have a recommendation for you. Choose someone who can understand where you’re at and where you want to be. Don’t be afraid to change counselors if your current one doesn’t feel like a good fit. In my own experience, my first counselor did not understand my Christian background. I advocated for myself and found one who understood. A certified professional counselor also has the authority to prescribe anti-depressant medication if needed.
  2. Join a divorce recovery group. These are often sponsored by churches. There are also groups available online. Sharing your heartache and concerns with others in a safe environment and learning that you are not going through recovery alone can be very comforting.
  3. Talk with a friend. Perhaps she has been through a divorce and has discovered ways to get through the trauma. Or she may just be happy to listen while you process.
  4. Invite a friend to join you in binge-watching a favorite TV series … in your jammies. She may even be willing to spend the night as you adjust to being alone.​
  5. Ask a friend to take your kids for a few hours of fun if you can’t manage taking them yourself. It’ll give you and your kids a much-needed break.
  6. Your spouse probably took care of certain chores that now fall on you … maybe chores you don’t know how to do. Find someone who can teach you. Learning these new skills will help boost your self-confidence and feeling of empowerment.
  7. Invite a friend to join you for a walk or to join an exercise class with you.
  8. Your circumstances have changed, and you might find it necessary to ask a family member for money, something you wish you didn’t have to do. It will be important to the both of you to maintain a good relationship. Here’s a good article for how best to go about it: How to Ask Loved Ones for Money after Divorce 
  9. Are you needing to change residences? Moving can be terribly taxing. If you have kids, ask friends if they can take care of them during the move. You don’t want anyone to put out their back hefting furniture, but perhaps friends can help you round up boxes and help you pack. Maybe other friends can provide refreshments.
  10. Speaking of friends, know that not all of them will automatically be on your “side.” I had a few friends who didn’t understand why I left my husband, and they either disappeared or outright blamed me. If that happens to you, thank the Lord for friends who show their loyalty to you. Go ahead and lean on those who want to help.​
     Of course you will be reasonable in the amount of time and energy you ask a friend to spend on your behalf. But what if the person says “No”? Someone once told me, “You’ll never know until you make your move.” I’m amending that to “You’ll never know until you ask!” Trust that the “Nos” and “Yeses” you receive will be okay, that the help you truly need will be provided at the right time.

​Blessings to you on your journey,
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Author

Linda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her new memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.

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I welcome your comments and feedback.
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Anna and the Diseased Limb—An Allegory of Divorce Recovery

2/2/2021

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I liken my divorce experience to that of an imaginary woman I’ll call Anna. Anna had lived for a long time with a diseased leg that caused a persistent dull ache. At times, significant sharp pains brought her to tears. Nevertheless, she could get around on that leg, even though it pained her and even though it sometimes felt as if it would collapse.
     Finally, though, the pain became so great and the leg so weak, it threatened Anna’s overall health and had to be removed. The surgery was extremely painful.


What a shock to Anna's system!
     ​Afterwards, Anna had to learn to use a crutch. The crutch was restrictive and made her clumsy. Sometimes she wished she still had her old leg, as unhealthy as it was. Nevertheless, she clung to the belief that she would eventually be okay, and she kept trying to walk. As she did, she felt her body changing. One day, to her shock, she discovered a new leg had miraculously begun to grow from the scars of the missing leg.
     As Anna kept moving forward, the leg continued to grow until it was a completely new leg, even better than her original one--stronger yet more flexible. She no longer needed the crutch. For the first time in a very long time, Anna could run and hop and twirl and dance. She discovered new moves she’d neve dreamed she could make. She felt more joyful, more confident. Anna wasn’t simply as good as new; she was different, better—more lovely and more loving than she’d been, even before her limb had become diseased. Anna lived the rest of her life in  deep gratitude for this rebirth. 
Yes, I was like Anna.
      My long-term marriage wasn’t good, but I’d learned to live with the dull ache of feeling things weren’t right. I did my best to repair what was broken, but I was not powerful enough to heal our relationship. There came a point when I had to wrench myself free. The result was terribly painful, as if I’d cut off a limb. Still, I clung to the believe that God cared for me and that I would eventually be healed.
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. But even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows. Matthew 10:29-31.


     Just like Anna, not only did I survive, I learned to thrive. I found resilience, confidence, and joy. I learned to dance! Divorce survivors discover that no matter how tough it was to leave, their lives can be better than ever.
     My friends, you may be hurting now from your divorce experience, but have faith. Keep on walking and trust God you will come out on the other side, stronger and more joyful.
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​Blessings,
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 For autographed copy of my memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, click here to go to the order page on my website. I use inexpensive media mail, and there’s no charge for packaging. Just $16.99 plus tax and $2.80 for shipping. The book can also be ordered through several online bookstore.

Author

Linda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through a divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her  memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace. Contact her: Linda@LindaMKurth.com

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I welcome your comments and feedback.
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Struggling with Divorce? Four Authors Who are Here to Help You

11/30/2020

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Going through a divorce can be a lonely experience, especially if no one in your circle of friends has been through it herself or is giving you bad advice. The good news for you is that we're here to help. Three of us have been through divorce and come out stronger and happier on the other side. Our fourth author is a counselor and expert on loss.  She's learned to be content living alone after being widowed. We’re eager to share our experiences and expertise to help you survive and flourish too.           

Here's who we are and how our books can possibly help you.

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  • Sonia Frontera:  Sonia is a divorce lawyer with a heart. She is the survivor of a toxic marriage who is now happily remarried. She integrates the wisdom acquired through her personal journey, her professional experience and the lessons of the world's leading transformational teachers and translates it into guidance that is insightful and practical. She is a Certified Canfield Success Principles Trainer and offers inspirational workshops and retreats. Through the years, Sonia has supported domestic violence survivors as an advocate, speaker and empowerment trainer.
  • Sonia's website for more information and to sign up for her newsletter: https://www.soniafrontera.com

Relationship Solutions: Effective Strategies to Heal Your Heart and Create the Happiness You Deserve (The Sister's Guides to Empowered Living Book 3)
Sonia’s book is a clear-eyed look at what holds a marriage together and what tears it apart. Sonia’s writing is both practical and lively, coming across as a dear friend who desires the best for her reader. I chuckled over many of her self-directed questions: “Are you just getting a taste of the good stuff? Or is it the main course? Do you feel like you’re served a 3-shrimp cocktail followed by a huge mound of box mashed potatoes?” Her questions in the “Reflections” section are more serious and probing, revealing the her attorney side. As a divorced woman of faith, I especially appreciated her advice. “Do not give up on your faith because your decision to divorce is incompatible with dogma.” Sonia’s book covers all the concerns I had before, during, and after my divorce. If I’d her book back then, I’m sure making the decisions I had to make would have been easier.

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  • Brenda is an award-winning and best-selling author of 10 books with more than 700,000 copies sold. She's written 100s of articles, radio scripts, short stories, and inspirational devotionals. She's taught college and university composition; is a popular speaker at service organizations, women's retreats, writers conferences, and press conventions; and she conducts workshops on all aspects of creative and professional writing.
  • Brenda's website and to sign up for her newsletter: https://brendawilbee.com

Taming the Dragons: Choices for Women in Conflict and Pain
Dealing with huge personal problems such as divorce demands us to draw on all the courage and faith we can muster. Brenda draws on examples of overcomers from mythology, fairy tales, history, the Bible, and personal experiences. She shows readers there is always something a woman can do to change her circumstances for the better, no matter how small that change may be. Reading her book opened my eyes to ways little, creative actions can ultimately pave the way for big positive changes. Each chapter ends with “Something to Think About” that includes relevant Bible verses and questions about how you can apply the chapter’s theme to your own life. A unique, entertaining, and encouraging book for all women.

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​Marlene Anderson: Marlene is a licensed therapist who shares her training, love of God and life experiences through writing and speaking engagements. She is passionate about sharing God’s great love and transforming power and helping every woman discover her potential. Marlene encourages and motivates others who are going through tough times.
  • Marlene's website and to sign up for her newsletter:  https://focuswithmarlene.com

Learning to Live Again in a New World: A Journey from Loss to New Life
In her book, Marlene addresses four stages of grieve and provides suggestions on how to deal with each one. Her compassion shines through, having experienced a tragic loss herself. As a licensed therapist, her prescriptions for recovery are clear and practical. The two appendixes offer additional information on working through difficult grief emotions and offering and receiving support. There is a study guide at the end of the book that can be used in group settings. Having gone through a divorce and the grief that followed myself, I gladly recommend this book to people struggling to recover from divorce.

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Linda M. Kurth: I write memoir, romance, and non-fiction for adults. For children, I write fantasy and non-fiction. Deciding to divorce my crazymaking husband was the most difficult decision I ever had to make. Condemnation from conservative Christian acquaintances piled on the heartbreak. I wrote this memoir to help other Christian women who are going through divorce. 
  • Linda's blog and to sign up for her newsletter:  https://www.lindamkurth.com/divorce-healing-blog​ ​
  • Email Linda: linda@lindamkurth.com

God, the Devil, and Divorce: A Transformative Journey out of
Emotional and Spiritual Abuse
 After more than 20 years of marriage, Linda is shaken when her pastor/counselor suggests her husband is a “crazymaker.” This news opens her eyes to the emotional abuse that has been going on for years. After a heartbreaking move, she brings up the subject of divorce with a new counselor. “If you divorce, Satan wins!” the counselor tells her. Linda questions this statement and intensifies her quest to understand God’s will. She ultimately determines He loves her more than the institution of marriage. Trusting Him, she risks an unknown future when she decides to divorce. Her journey of recovery is inspiring.

Each one of these books has a wealth of information and inspiration. Discover what speaks to you best and go for it! We're rooting for you!
Blessings,
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Never Too Late for Love

11/17/2020

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“Happy Birthday, Sweetie,” my husband murmured sleepily as we awoke yesterday morning. I turned and kissed him, silently thanking God for the man He’d sent me eighteen years earlier.

 I receive letters from newly divorced readers of my blog worried that they might never find true love. I tell them I understand their fears. I’ve been where they are now. Back then I’d dreamt of a third chance at love and a satisfying marriage. But what were the odds of me finding someone at my age?
    “God doesn’t operate by numbers and percentages,” a friend reminded me as I worked on recovering from the demise of my twenty-five-year marriage — the one that was supposed to last the rest of my life. Here I was, 55 years old and trying to figure out my life.
 I knew I needed healing and self-discovery before considering dating again.
      I knew I needed healing and self-discovery before considering dating again. After going through counseling and “graduating” from several months of a divorce recovery class, I decided to branch out in new ways, including ballroom dancing. I began taking lessons and had the first genuine laugh I’d experienced since the divorce. I discovered I had a natural talent in that area, and it became a vehicle for interacting with men in a safe environment.
     I made new friends through a singles group at church, and I purchased my own home. I decided to build a career for myself and went back to school. It had been years since I’d pursued academics, and those first classes were a challenge. Conquering them, though, increased my self-confidence. 
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     ​When I felt ready to date, it was simply for male companionship. I made a vow to remain celibate until the right man came along and we married even though that meant I might be celibate for the rest of my life. Most dates weren’t too happy that I wasn’t into having sex with them, but this decision protected me from making choices based solely on emotion and physical attraction.
​     As I became more serious about finding someone special, I wrote down thirty — THIRTY! — characteristics in a man I’d want as a husband. I told the Lord I was in no hurry, and please, “don’t give me any substitutes.” Then, one evening, I met a guy who seemed nice enough, although his dancing skills weren’t up to my level. He soon fixed that by taking lessons. We talked frankly about ourselves and our beliefs, and I made him take personality tests! After earning the seal of approval from our church counselors, we were married six months later. He is the love of my life.
My recovery took time and had its setbacks.
     My recovery took time and had its setbacks, but I made progress. To sum up, here are the actions and decisions I made that brought me to my current state of “married bliss.”
  • I sought help through counseling and a divorce recovery class.
  • I sought a fun activity that gave me confidence in my body and brought joy to my life.
  • I found friends in a singles ministry.
  • I furthered my education, positioning me to take better financial care of myself. This was another confidence booster.
  • I was brave enough to make big decisions (buying my own home).
  • As a single woman, I took time to get to know men in a safe environment.
  • I remained celibate while single. (This one is biblical.)
  • I knew what I wanted in a marriage partner. (Thirty things were a bit excessive but served as a good guideline.)
  • I was willing to wait and trust God for the right man.
  • Before making the decision to marry, we were purposeful in getting to know one another well.
  • We sought in-depth counseling through the church before marrying.
​     Writing about our courtship was my favorite piece of completing my memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce. If you’re wondering if you’ll ever find love again, I hope that by knowing my journey, you might be encouraged.

​Blessings,
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Author

Linda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. She is the author of  God, the Devil, and Divorce: A Transformative Journey out of Emotional and Physical Abuse, available in paperback and as an eBook.
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In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her blog posts, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.

Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com
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Divorce Trauma and How to Heal

9/28/2020

1 Comment

 
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​My ex was suddenly in the room. 
“Let's pause the movie and make some popcorn,” he said, suggesting something we’d habitually done during our twenty-five-year marriage. I collapsed in a torrent of tears, knowing he couldn’t be real. We’d been divorced for three months, and he’d moved away. When I discovered he'd secretly remarried, I'd gone into shock. His apparition that evening was a sign of my struggle to deal with all that was happening to me. What I didn’t understand was that I was experiencing divorce trauma.

Psychological trauma is damage to the mind that occurs as a result of a distressing event. Trauma is often the result of an overwhelming amount of stress that exceeds one's ability to cope, or integrate the emotions involved with that experience.  Wikipedia 
    The divorce and shock of discovering my ex-husband's duplicity brought up big, soul-wrenching questions: Who was I? Would I ever feel whole again?  Would I ever find love again? Then there were the more practical questions: Where would I live? What kind of lifestyle would my new financial situation provide? Would I have to find a job? Where would I find a church and local friends? (We had recently moved.) It seemed as if my entire future was a huge question mark, compromising my ability to cope.

 Trauma can be manifested in several ways

​​Trauma can be manifested in several ways  depending on the precise circumstances combined with the personality of the person experiencing it. If you’ve been divorced, you may recognize some of the symptoms on this partial list.
​sleeplessness
nightmares
feelings of going crazy
episodes of rage
feeling numb
flashbacks or hallucinations
fear and anxiety
​loss of appetite
deep sadness
guilt
self-blame
self-harm
replaying the memory of the traumatic event
In the aftermath of my divorce, I experienced several of the above (which I describe in my up-coming memoir). The good news is that my craziness after the trauma was typical and temporary. It was a phase, and phases pass. I couldn’t have articulated that truth at the time, but deep down, I understood it and was able to move forward.

Some ways you can 
heal and thrive after divorce

If your trauma is severe, seek expert help. In her book, Post-Divorce Bliss: Ending Us and Finding Me, life coach and author Jude Walsh describes the PTSD she experienced following her divorce. She sought out medication to help her sleep and embarked on talk therapy followed up by eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) and tapping. Talking with a therapist can help make sense of even the most senseless divorce. I found my first therapist was not a good fit and managed to switch to someone with whom I felt to be a better fit. (It’s okay to advocate for yourself!)

Acknowledge your pain and loss. Through counseling, Jude was able to recognize the emotional abuse she’d experienced in her marriage, which in turn, gave her more empathy for herself. I allowed myself to cry my eyes out and to drive down the freeway where no one could hear me screaming in anger at my ex. I found those behaviors very cathartic and didn’t feel a bit guilty about getting it all out.

Forgive yourself. Yes, you made mistakes in your marriage because you are human. Perhaps you’ve developed some bad habits reacting to your spouse’s hurtful behavior. Acknowledging your part will help you break those habits in the future. You may find you’ve developed more empathy for others by going through your present pain. Remember, you did the best with what you had at the time, but you don’t have to stay there. Practice honesty, self-forgiveness, and self-acceptance. Know you are evolving.

Develop an exercise routine. Body movement is an excellent way of relieving stress and tension. Jude explains how, in the beginning, she overdid her exercise, but realizing that, she was able temper it. I worked out with a trainer which gave me a schedule and someone to whom I was accountable. As I grew stronger physically, I grew emotionally too. Eventually I took up ballroom dancing which brought me much joy and increased my social as well as physical confidence.

Expand your social network. A good way to find single friends and talk out your problems at the same time is through a divorce recovery group. Hearing other stories of divorce can put your own experience in perspective. I also joined a singles group at a large church which gave me a sense of belonging and provided opportunities for friendship.

Take charge of your finances. If you’re not sure about your finances, find a financial advisor to help you understand and plan how you want to handle your situation now and in the future. Better to know the truth than to have financial unknowns hanging over your head.

Create new traditions. Holidays can be especially hard after your breakup. Trying to replicate your marital traditions is likely to bring pain rather than joy. My solution  for my first post-divorce Christmas
was to join cousins. I so enjoyed catching up with them, and they made me laugh. Valentine’s Day can be even tougher. Single friends will likely be happy to join you in developing a new and meaningful celebration.

Stretch yourself. This might very well be an opportunity to reinvent your life. Try something you haven’t previously thought you were capable of doing. Go back to school, take up a new hobby, move to a new locale. What would it take to follow your dreams?


Don’t rush into a new romance. When you’re hurting, you’re vulnerable. Rushing into a new relationship could be a big mistake when you’re still recovering from trauma. You may believe this person will heal you, be the person you wish your ex had been, and fill the void in your life that was left when your marriage ended. Until you’re able to find yourself, you won’t have the discernment to choose a new partner. I waited a year after my divorce before dating again, and I'm so glad I did.

Practice gratitude. Let go of bitterness and practice an attitude of gratitude on a daily basis. As you wake up or go to bed, look for the blessing in your current situation. How has your life improved since your divorce? Hopefully you are now experiencing more peace and freedom in your life. One thing I loved about being single again was the ability to decorate my new place exactly as I wanted it. I gave my ex our big heavy furniture. Though I had a limited budget, I was able to go with a lighter look and feel. Every night, as devastated as I was, I thanked God for providing me with my needs, and for friends and family who came alongside me.

Understand you are in a trauma stage now. Take heart that stages do pass. If you are open to, and active in the healing process, life can become even better than before. That was certainly true for Jude. It was true for me. It's been true for countless others, and it can be true for you. 

​Blessings in your journey of recovery,
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For more in-depth guidance on overcoming divorce trauma and forging a good, new life, check out Jude Walsh’s book, Post-Divorce Bliss: Ending Us and Finding Me.
You’ll discover my own story of marriage and divorce recovery in my upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce: A Transformative Journey out of Emotional and Spiritual Abuse.

Author

Linda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.
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Eight Tips for Redesigning Your Home after Divorce

9/8/2020

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​Divorce often brings with it a need to redesign your life.
That 
redesign may include  your home. Maybe your ex has taken some of the furniture.  Perhaps you've had to move. Your new place might be smaller. Facing these changes can be difficult, but let's think of your new circumstances as an "opportunity."  You may discover a silver lining. For one thing, you'll no longer need to please a spouse when it comes to decorating.

Creating a space to please yourself.
​Altering your surroundings can boost your sense of well-being. Quite likely you want to create a space which feels secure and comforting. I speak from experience. Soon after my divorce, I began designing my new space just for me. Since then, I’ve discovered my urge to do so was a common one. While reading several divorce memoirs in preparation to writing my own, I found account after account of newly divorced women changing their personal environment to suit themselves.
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In my one of my favorite divorce memoirs, How to Sleep Alone in a King-Size Bed, Theo Nestor tells how her redecorating began with an eye-opening realization. She could fix a cupboard by buying and installing a new knob—something her husband never got around to doing and something she had never before thought of doing herself. This simple task morphed into switching bedrooms around, an arrangement that worked better for her and her children. In turn, that decision meant redecorating those rooms. Not a handy person by nature, Theo discovered the therapy of painting over the old and rejoicing in the new. From then on, Theo writes, “we [she and her ex] both know this house is no longer our house, this house will belong to me and just the girls.” What a wonderful way of describing the feeling of control and effectiveness Theo had discovered after her divorce.

It’s said the best revenge is living well, and I had that in mind on the heels of my divorce. I happily gave my husband our leather furniture on which his cat had made its mark. That left me with just one living room chair and the entertainment center I’d designed and painted, making room for new possibilities. My ex could have the big heavy bedroom furniture; I didn’t want to move it one more time. I kept the almost-new queen-sized mattress but gave him the sheets. (What would his new wife do with those sheets I wondered sardonically.) As much as possible, I wanted to erase the reminder of sharing an intimate space with him.
 Here’s what I learned as I first rented, then purchased my own home.
Take inventory
What furnishings do you have and which ones do you love? Perhaps there are family hand-me-downs infused with comforting memories. Does a piece remind you of an important moment in your life? Are there a few pieces which set the tone or style of your home?

Visualize your future.
Perhaps right now you just want to cocoon but can see yourself doing some entertaining in the future. Do you want to pare down your furnishings and create a clean, uncluttered look? Maybe you’ll decide to entertain more casually from here on out and decide to part with your big dining table and chairs. My choice was to keep my old oak Craftsman table with its four leaves and six chairs. I'd had that set before we married, and I was determined this was something my ex couldn’t take from me. My townhouse had only a small dining area, but I felt vindicated when I realized, if I swapped out a few pieces, I had room for the expanded table in the living room when I entertained. 

Keep what works and let go of the rest
Are you left with items that bring back painful memories, but you can’t bear to part with them just yet. Think about keeping them in storage until you’re in a better emotional place to make a final decision. Maybe a family member would love to have the very thing you need to part with. If you must let it go, sell it to someone who will love it. After several moves, I no longer had space for my mother’s little childhood rolltop desk. The pain of parting with it eased when a small woman living in a small house was over the moon with delight in purchasing it. (Sounds like the beginning of a nursery rhyme, doesn’t it?) I smile when I think of her working at the desk illuminated by the antique lamp I chose to include with it. Have a yard sale with the rest.

Thrift shopping and a little TLC
If you're like many of us newly divorced persons, you need to be careful with your spending. I’m always amazed at the wonderful selection of used furnishings I see at our local Habitat for Humanity store. Bargains can also be found online at such sites as OfferUp, Craig’s list,  Facebook Marketplace, and Overstock.com.
    Sometimes, all a piece needs is a little paint to make something look brand new. My need for a living room chair drew me to my parent’s attic where I rescued a well-worn upholstered rocking chair and stool. I refreshed their look with fabric paint, and they proved to a perfect complement my other living room furniture. Although they didn’t appear brand-new, their wabi-sabi appearance (a Japanese term for imperfection) brought back sweet memories.

Repurposing
Can you repurpose some items? For instance, I repainted a little magazine table and hung a mirror above it in the small foyer of my “new” townhouse. Would a certain chest help keep you organized or serve as a stand for a TV? A tall cupboard that had been in the guest bathroom of my previous home became storage for my folded garments. Imagine the possibilities! The opportunities!
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What one or two new pieces would make your heart glad?
A new carpet? A comfortable chair? It doesn’t have to be useful—perhaps it’s a painting. For me, it was a new red velour overstuffed couch. That piece spoke “comfort” to me and served as a sign of taking care of 
myself. If at all possible, you’ll want to transform your bedroom, the most personal space in your home, beginning with a new bedcover and pillows. *”We need sleep to heal, restore, feel safe, be healthy, and calm our minds,” says Faith Sheridan who has degrees in psychology and interior design. Adjustable lighting is especially important, being able to have enough light to read in bed, and softer to sooth you as you prepare to sleep.
Paint the Town(house)
Hopefully, you’ll be able to repaint your walls like Theo did, if you so choose. Maybe your ex wanted only neutral wall colors, but you could use a dash of color. Go for it! When I purchased my townhouse, I went crazy with paint, experimenting with various techniques and even painting the once-dull parquet kitchen floor. I transformed my office walls were in
dappled shades of sunny yellow. I envisioned a Coney Island vibe for the hall bath done in primary colors. (I completed the look with vintage photos of family members at the beach.) My bedroom walls were covered in calming pistachio with a glittery glaze peeking through. I reveled in it all.
​Add greenery
Unless you absolutely have a brown thumb, consider adding plants to your environment. As living beings, plants can help us feel connected to the natural world. Indoor plants can boost mood, productivity, concentration, and creativity. They reduce stress and fatigue while absorbing toxins, increasing humidity, and producing oxygen in indoor air.
    Personally, I love having live plants in my home. I once asked a fellow-plant lover what her secret to have so many beautiful, healthy-looking plants. “When one dies, I get a new one,” she told me with a grin. In other words, you’ll want to follow the recommended conditions for your new plants, but don’t be afraid of making a few mistakes when learning what works in your space. Your efforts will soon pay off. Indoor plants might even become your passion! 
 Here’s a link to help you get started. 
    Visually transforming your home can have a positive influence on you as you transform your life. My hope is you’ll feel nurtured by your surroundings in this time of transition, and this transformation will be a sign of a new, hopeful beginning of your life full of yet-to-be-discovered opportunities.
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Blessings,
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*Quoted in the article “At Home in the Northwest: A Great Escape,” by Lora Shinn, The Seattle Times, 9/6/2020

Author

Linda is a divorced and remarried Christian. Before taking up writing full-time, she was an interior designer and space planner for over ten years having studied Interior Design through UCLA’s Extension Certification program. Her romance, ​Home of the Heart, is based on her years as an interior designer.

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