Help and Healing for Divorced Christians
Recovering from Divorce?
Get Linda’s 12 Steps for a More Joyful Life after Divorce.
Recovering from Divorce?
Get Linda’s 12 Steps for a More Joyful Life after Divorce.
*I’m struggling to understand who I am — a weak sob sister, or a capable, confident woman. My counselor assures me I’m in transition. My life is rapidly changing as I struggle to find firm footing. I have to deal with mail coming for Jim. I have a problem with my new health insurance. I have to open a new bank account and close our old joint one. I cancel department store credit cards I haven’t used for years. After the unsatisfactory talk with the pastor about forgiveness, I’m looking for a new church. I have to find a cheaper place to live. I need a job. I need to make new single friends. I need to find my mind. After years of trying to fix my marriage, I’d felt God’s permission to leave. I’d been mentally preparing myself for a life after divorce, but, when it happened, I fell into a period of shock. What I didn’t understand was that I’d be entering the transition period between being newly divorced and eventual recovery. Whether or not you’ve made the decision to divorce, or your ex-spouse did, you will likely experience a time of transition similar to my own and to many, many others. Divorce is one of the most difficult transitions a person can go through. Divorce is one of the most difficult transitions a person can go through. Your sense of self is altered from being part of a union to being on your own in the world. If you have kids at home, you’ve now become a fractured family. Your financial security may be questionable. Your support system may change or even fail. You may even question your life’s purpose. Find comfort in the knowledge that you are not alone in this experience. Learning from others’ paths to normalcy and sanity may help you navigate your own transition with less trauma. Much information exists these days about divorce recovery and moving forward which is what most of us want to achieve. But before that successfully happens, we need to recognize the transition period that occurs first. Elisabeth Kubler Ross and David Kessler identified five stages of grief which have strong similarities with the transition period: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. It’s important to note that these stages don’t necessarily occur in this order, and we can find ourselves cycling through them more than once. I joked that “time wounds all heels.” It’s been said that “time heals all wounds" (In the angry stage after my divorce, I joked that “time wounds all heels.”), but we need more than just time. On my journey to divorce recovery, I became friends with a woman who had been divorced for several years. As we became better acquainted, I discovered that the mere thought of being in the same room with her ex threw her into a panic. She’d allowed her divorce experience to taint her view of all men. It even damaged her relationship with her adult daughter. For her, time did very little to ease her pain; she was stuck in the anger stage. I’m hoping that if you are in the transition period of divorce, the information I offer here can help move you through to hope and healing. I write from my own experience and that of several experts. Denial I’m obsessed with the fear that, by marrying Lady Friend, Jim will be making the biggest mistake of his life. I tell myself that maybe our marriage hadn’t been so bad. I send him an email, asking him to come back Night after night I dream of Jim. Sometimes he’s returned, and I’m so glad. Other times, I beg him to leave Lady Friend and come back to me. I wake from these nightmares to the void on his side of the bed and howl with rage and loneliness. You want your old life back. You want your old life back and you hold onto the hope that your marriage will be restored. You hope that by convincing your spouse you can change, he will return. Or maybe you enlist friends or your religious community to try to convince him to return. You beg God to fix the mess you’re in. The hard lesson is that you can’t control the thoughts, desires, or actions of another person. This was difficult for me to learn, but when I finally got it, I had to forgive myself for thinking I had the power to change my husband and the circumstances in which I found myself. I’d been begging God for years to fix my marriage. But I finally understood that, because He gives us free will, He wasn’t going to use my plans and intervene. Anger I drive down the freeway, pounding the steering wheel and calling him every bad name I can think of at the top of my lungs. I work like a madwoman in the yard, attacking the thick rhododendrons with my pruning shears even though I will soon have to leave this house. Whack! Whack! Whack! Bam! Bam! Bam! I hit at the legs, trying to loosen the old glue and nails [so we can move the table into my new office]. Bam! I’m shouting, “Take that, Jim, you SOB!” “How does that feel, Jim?” “You’re a stinking turd, Jim!” Bam! Bam! Express your anger in healthy ways. The most important lesson about anger is that it’s good to express it in healthy ways and then let it go. Try to recognize what actions and emotions trigger your anger. Don’t be surprised when your anger pops up unexpectedly, but try accessing it in a safe place like the privacy of your own home or with safe people. Physical workouts can help, too. “Multiple studies demonstrate that daily exercise, especially a program that includes aerobics, can prevent or reduce feelings of depression. Now, there is new information available about the possible impact that exercise might have on feelings of anger.”1 If you can’t seem to get beyond your anger, consult with a counselor who can help you explore its core source. Hanging on to anger is akin to swallowing hot coals that eat at your soul and keep you from moving forward. Bargaining I wonder what truly separated us. Besides food, work, and religion, had there been something else I didn’t know? Jim has been hiding behind his religion, but what does it matter now? I chastise myself for wasting so much emotional energy on him. I need to let God, who knows the whole truth, deal with him. Can't I skip it? You’ve had enough! If only you could skip the rest of this transition and be whole and well again. But that’s not how our brain and emotions work. Now that you’re beyond the angry stage (well, mostly!), you feel the crushing reality of your divorce. You turn to bargaining, also called “The Time of Understanding.” You may spend much time and mental energy restructuring reality. “If only I had…” “If he hadn’t…” “God, why did you let this happen?” None of this bargaining works in the end, and it’s a little crazy isn’t it? But somehow, many of us have to go through this stage of recovery. I love this quote by Mary Pipher: “To wish that certain things didn’t happen is to wish that I am not myself."2 Depression A friend tells me, "When your horse dies, get off." My marriage has died, but I’m finding that letting go is not so easy. Twenty-five years is a long time with someone. Someone else tells me that divorce is like removing ivy from a brick wall. Even though it’s cut off at the root, the tendrils still need to be pulled away, leaving the brick face raw. I have some painful pulling a way to do, and I’m already feeling raw. Although most of the time I believe I had every right—maybe even an imperative—to leave Jim, part of me is still processing this issue. My counselor is fine letting me talk it out. Because I’m such an emotional mess, he puts me on Paxil, an antidepressant, and suggests I write a list of what I know about myself. Depression can be scary! Depression can be scary but is a natural result of the trauma of divorce and nothing to be ashamed of. You may take to your bed for long periods of time. You may lose interest in food, eating only enough to survive. Personally, I lost quite a bit of weight on what is jokingly called the “Divorce Diet.” I was helped by joining a divorce recovery group and finding a counselor who aided me in regaining a healthy sense of myself. Force yourself to try something new that has sparked your interest in the past. I took up ballroom dancing and felt joy for the first time since the divorce. What can bring you joy? Letting Go I dreamt last night that Jim and I are still married. He informs me he’s fallen in love with someone else. I’m devastated, and I press him for details. He tells me it’s Pat, our friend. Oh, what a relief! What a relief to let go! As the great philosopher, Adele, sings: “It’s hard but we must we’ve got to let it go and turn off the urge to know what could have been.”3 You no longer work to try to change things that cannot be changed. You understand that you were not faultless in your marriage … that no one is … but you can forgive yourself and can even entertain the possibility of forgiving your ex someday too. You feel more optimistic and begin to make plans for your future. Acceptance I awake with these words in my head: Accept the love that had been there. You're able to look forward. The key to transitions is being able to say goodbye to what was so recently your reality, or what you perceived to be the state of your marriage. In order to move forward, you accept what has happened and learn to live with it. It helps to remember that endings mean that new beginnings follow. Now that you have experienced divorce, you will be changed. The transition process has been painful at times ... akin to climbing a steep mountain. You’ve come through the wilderness and have found yourselves again … wiser and more self-aware. You’ve discovered new strength you didn’t know you had, and you begin to look ahead with hope. You understand you have much to say about what those new beginnings will be. William Burges suggests we look at transitions as a natural part of life: “Endings and beginnings, emptiness and germination in between: that is the shape of the transition periods in our lives.” We may not recognize it as a pattern of life. Certainly, it usually happens on a less dramatic scale, but, if we can accept that transitions are a natural part of life, it will be easier to look forward to the new beginning we experience after divorce.”4 Faith played a big part in my divorce transition and recovery. Even though I was frightened by my circumstances, I clung God’s promise that He would not fail me, much like David in the bible. The following two bible verses especially helped sustain me: The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. Psalm 23 NIV For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jer. 29:11 NIV I don’t pretend to understand how God worked all this out, but I’m certain He had (and still has) plans for me, to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me a hope and a future. God has blessed me in ways I’d never allowed Him before I walked through the Refiner’s fire. When I was cut to the core, I discovered what is important in life and what are mere trappings. In the dark depths of the night, He cradled me in His arms. Now I feel His hand on my shoulder. I am secure in Him and nothing much shakes me these days. I know without a doubt that God is good all the time. I hope and pray you emerge from your divorce transition strong and at peace, looking forward to the future. Blessings,  *These quoted blocks of text are from diary excerpts in my recent memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce: A Transformative Journey Out of Emotional and Spiritual Abuse. See more here.
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Chances are you know someone like her. I’d chatted with her a couple of times and noticed other people had kindly stopped to talk with her, too. But she doesn’t seem to have any real connection with any of us. I understand, as my spirit always takes a nosedive when I think about engaging with her followed by guilt for wanting to turn away. Oh sure, she’s clean and articulate, and I’ve discovered she’s quite creative and talented. Now here comes the “but”: she’s the perfect poster child for the Debbie Downers of this world. For sake of anonymity, let’s call her “Deb.” Don’t worry about her seeing this post and recognizing herself … she doesn’t have access to the Internet and her computer is in storage. And that's just the beginning. Deb has many more reasons to be down on life as I found out that day. The big number one is that she’s currently homeless and couch surfing. She’s struggling with getting unemployment pay. Being homeless, she can’t do her drawing because it takes up too much room and, besides, all her materials are in storage with her computer …. storage she’s struggling to pay. She misses her cat, which is staying with a “friend” who won’t let her see the cat. And on it goes. What tipped the scales for me though, was when she lamented that the treats the church was serving that day … apple crisp, carrot cake, and apple bread … weren’t cookies instead. I do feel sorry for her, and I’m frustrated that all I seem to be able to offer her are my sympathies and prayer. I’ve given up trying to make any suggestions. They are always met with “Yes, but …” replies. To be honest, I’m tired of hearing her sad story which never includes a positive note. My question is what am I going to do about my relationship with this woman? I think that very question is an approach that may help me answer the question. Sound convoluted? Be patient. I will eventually explain. First I'm going to go global and examine trauma and a radical method of overcoming it. Let’s look at three examples of people who were in unhappy circumstances and what they did about it. In her book, Taming the Dragons: Choices for Women in Conflict and Pain, Brenda Wilbee demonstrates to readers that there is always something we can do to change our circumstances for the better, no matter how small that change may be. One of her examples describes the horrible night her volatile ex-husband arrived and took many household items he declared to be his. That included her children’s only form of entertainment, their record player. Although Brenda was reluctant to stand up for herself, her motherlove propelled her to advocate for her kids. She summoned her courage and called her ex. Think how difficult that must have been, afraid he would be nasty, struggling to keep her body and her voice from shaking, trying to remain rational. As calmly as she could, she explained what the record player meant to their children. His response surprised her. Within the week, he brought a smaller player they could enjoy. Brenda was able to make a positive change by accepting that her ex’s behavior was awful. But, just maybe, if she made a small request without resorting to anger, she could cause the situation to become a little better.  An Oslo, Norway man had responsibilities which kept him from spending significant blocks of time camping, but he very much missed spending time in the forest. Accepting this reality, he came up with a simple plan … something he could do. He would spend one night in the same spot in the forest every month for a year. During that year, he learned “In the woods, there is no one to help you and nothing is going to get better unless you do something about it.” He observed each time he went into the woods, “that something had changed,” and that included himself. Maybe we’re caught by surprise, hardly able to believe the kind of situation in which we find ourselves. “Unbelievable!” we mumble under our breath or scream at the universe while shaking our fists. That’s where I found myself after my divorce. To put it simply, my husband had not been kind to me for years. When I finally got up the courage to leave, I discovered he had already found someone else and secretly married her within a month of our divorce. I nearly went out of my mind, not wanting to accept that he had cheated on me. I had nightmares in which I begged him to come back. It took a while to accept the fact that our divorce was as real as was his marriage, and it couldn’t be undone. When I was finally able to acknowledge those facts in my mind and body, I could take small positive steps toward my new life and begin the process of healing. All three of these stories illustrate accepting reality and making small changes to create a better future. Recently I was introduced to the psychological theory of Radical Acceptance. It seemed to me the practice formalizes a way to help hurting people, including those going through a divorce, to process their pain and move beyond it to a better future by choosing to view it in a non-judgmental way. Here’s a brief description of my understanding of how it works. How to Move on Through Radical Acceptance
Let's get back to Deb. Although Deb's problem isn’t about divorce, her outlook on life is an example of how those of us who go through trauma can be our own worst enemy by focusing on the problems we face and not on accepting the reality of our situation. We become stuck and don’t consider what we can do to change things for the better, even if the changes begin very small. I believe Deb might be able benefit from practicing Radical Acceptance, but here’s the thing, it’s not up to me to fix her. If I choose to engage with her again, I can ask her something like, “So, what’s your next step? What can you possibly do?” or I can choose to avoid getting into conversation with her. I’ll see what the Holy Spirit prompts me to do at the next opportunity. I’m very grateful for my own recovery, God's provision, and the help and guidance I received. My heart goes out to those who are currently suffering from the trauma of divorce. If you find this approach as promising as I do, there are several Internet sites where you can further explore this approach. I’d love to hear what you think of this method as applied to divorce healing. As for me, I think I'll change my motto from "Trust God and do the next thing," to "Accept what is, then trust God and do the next thing." Blessings,  Origins of Radical Acceptance AuthorLinda is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her new memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.  I welcome your comments and feedback.
Would you happen to have any pictures you can send me?” Would you happen to have any pictures you can send to me?” he asked. Many years have passed, and I’ve moved several times since the divorce. Thanks to the journals I kept, however, I remember my decisions on what to keep and what to eliminate. I’d felt great rage when I learned my ex had a serious relationship with another woman during the latter part of our marriage. My instinct was to throw out everything he’d touched. The pragmatic side of me prevented that from happening (well mostly), which left me with some tough decisions to make. What I learned from that experience may help those of you who are newly divorced to make good decisions about what to toss, what to keep, and how to do it. The following is in the order that makes the most sense to me, but your circumstance may dictate a different order. Get rid of (most) items that trigger bad memories Take inventory of your items and consider what they mean to you. Unless these are things your children might want later, dispose of them now. I found satisfaction in passing off to my soon-to-be ex those items that reminded me of unpleasant parts of our marriage. Here’s a journal entry from my memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, of our divvying up our belongings: Jim came over in the evening to get more of his stuff. I gave him some of our dishes and the tortilla press. When he saw the press, a half-smile passed across his face. He and I had attended a session at the Santa Fe School of Cooking, and he’d implied we’d try making some of the dishes together when we returned home. When I realized his help was not to be, I made the them by myself. He declared he didn’t like tortillas.” Are you moving? Sell or give away what you don’t like or have use for before the move Many divorces result in one or both parties having to move. The more items you retain, the more expensive the move. Again, envision what you want your new surroundings to look like and let those things go that don’t fit your new life. I began by selling a few antiques I would no longer be using to an antique shop. I employed a moving service as well as the help of family. When one cousin helping out admired a heavy chest, I gave it to him. I gave my ex the leather sofa and chair his cat had scratched up, plus our big bedroom furniture. This saved me a ton of moving expense and cleared the way for creating an atmosphere in my new place that was just for me. Another cousin helped me with a garage sale. From my journal: Ros comes over to help with my garage sale. I sell the tent that we seldom used along with silver, china, and the crystal Jim’s mother had given me. We do a happy dance when she totals the proceeds. After the sale, I take a big box of Jim’s things to the post office, remembering the character in the movie Saint Maybe, who spent her last dime getting rid of her ex-husband’s stuff. The postage comes to $16.00—a cheap price for “shaking off” more of Jim from my life. I felt fine giving up the idea of entertaining on a grand scale. Not only did parting with these things cut down even more on my moving cost, the sale helped pay for it! Focus on the benefits to you and others in selling or giving away items. What about the dog? You may have to decide who gets the pets. Hopefully you and your ex can avoid a custody dispute. If it comes to that, a judge will look at who took the most care of the pet. Try doing that yourselves without it becoming a legal matter. In our case, we agreed that my ex would get the cat that scratched furniture, and I would get the older cat and the dog, as those two had always been my primary responsibility. Since I wasn’t employed, my ex promised to take care of any vet bills that might occur. I suppose I should have asked for that promise in writing, but he did follow through even though he whined about it. Evidence of cheating Talk about triggering! If you have proof of his cheating during your marriage, what do you do with it? Simply tearing up the incriminating evidence and throwing it in the trash may not feel significant enough. I solved that with a lovely divorce ceremony attended by my pastor and close friends. During the ceremony, I burn our marriage vows and the papers from Jim’s desk that fateful night I discovered his betrayal —a receipt from Skamania Lodge [where he took his new woman for dinner] and programs from church services he attended with her. I resolve to no longer let those bitter memories have a hold on me. Instead, I’ll rely on the Lord’s help in creating a better future. Should you keep his name or “let go” of it? What if you change your mind? You might have several reasons for keeping his name including the perceived benefit for your children or if it’s part of your professional name. This decision will likely be included in the divorce decree. But what if you have second thoughts perhaps triggered by new revelations of your ex’s betrayal, and you feel you must rid yourself of his name? That was my experience. Since I’d had my ex’s name for twenty-five years, I'd decided to keep it. But after my ex secretly married within a month of our divorce, my eyes were fully opened, and I couldn’t get rid of his name fast enough. So much time had passed since I’d had my maiden name that I didn’t care to go back to it. I decided to keep it as my middle name and adopt a favorite grandmother’s maiden name as my last name. It turned out it was pretty easy to do. In a short while, I was before a judge and had my new name. I change my name on everything, even my car registration. I’m told it’s not necessary, but it’s necessary to me. I don’t want his name on anything of mine. The photo on my new driver’s license is one of my best ever. Here’s a link that tells how to go about changing your name: https://www.findlaw.com/family/divorce/changing-your-name-after-divorce.html Your wedding ring Your wedding ring may very well remind you of your broken marriage; so why keep it? Unless it's a family heirloom, you’ll probably want to part with it. If it has some monetary value, you may want to sell it or have it remade into a different piece of jewelry. Selling it can help pay for expenses related to your divorce, allow you to buy a new ring, or the money can be put aside for something special in the future for you or your children. My wedding ring had little value, so after discovering my spouse's duplicity, I gave it back to him. I want to tear Jim limb from limb. I tear apart a picture of the two of us and take off my wedding ring, one of the matching bands we’d had made by a Santa Fe jeweler, designed with circles (my preference), and squares (Jim’s preference). I leave the photo and the ring on his office chair. What symbolism! If I hadn’t gotten rid of the ring then, it would have been appropriate to do something with it at the divorce ceremony. Gifts from your spouse and mementos purchased together In happier days, your spouse may have given you some gifts that were both sentimental and valuable. If they were given to appease you, by all means dispose of them by selling or giving them away. However, there may be a part of you that still wants to hang on to some evidence of value in your marriage. Most likely there were some good things that occurred, and it’s all right to remember those. While you might not want to wear a dress he bought you, sometime in the future you might enjoy a special piece of jewelry or a work of art he gave you. I’m glad I kept the squash blossom turquoise necklace my ex gave me as a wedding gift. I also cherish an unusual collector’s items he went miles out of his way to get for me. Enough time has elapsed since our divorce, I can allow some memories of the good moments we had to warm my heart. Bedding and sleepwear You may want to discard everything that touched your ex’s skin, especially bedding and sleepwear. I certainly did. I gave all our bedding to my ex, perversely chuckling at what his new love might think of it. You might even want to begin anew with fresh towels. I revel in the freedom of making the interior of the townhouse my own. I indulge myself, buying yards of paisley-and-rose-patterned Ralph Lauren fabric and make a duvet cover of my own design. I’m crazy for paisley. I spend hours sewing, and it turns out well, with a big, contrasting welt around the sides and bottom. I also buy new sheets, untouched by Jim’s skin, and silk pajamas, giving me comfort these dark nights. When you can’t decide Create a stash. You’ve been having to make so many decisions your probably emotionally spent. Hopefully you have a space where you can keep a few boxes for items you’ve yet to decide upon. Give yourself a break. Put your feet up and take a breath. Maybe even a little snooze. At long last, I take a load off, resting in the old rocking chair while rubbing my hands over the worn raised pattern of the fabric. Rachel Cat jumps in my lap and almost tips me backwards. After regaining our balance, we settle in for a little snooze. I dream Jim has a choice between eating three pieces of bacon and saving our marriage. He chooses the bacon. Pretty accurate, I think, when I awake. What Not to throw Out Here’s what I suggest you keep. If you still have some things belonging to your ex, ask him what he’d like done with them. Create a filing system for important papers like your divorce decree, spousal support documents, papers relating to a house you may own, tax returns, etc. What about those family photos? Those may go into that stash to be decided upon later when you have more emotional energy. If you have children, they will probably enjoy having some visual reminders of happier times with your intact family. If the times were tough, if there had been abuse, perhaps the photos can help your children process that. What did I do about my sons’ request for photos of his father? I found a few good ones I’d kept in a basket of family photos. It had been years since I’d looked at them, and they were a nice reminder of the good times we’d had together. I scanned them and sent them off, at peace with how my life has unfolded. I applaud you for your intentionality in navigating the beginning of this new chapter in your life. My wish for you is that you can eventually find that same contentment I've found. Blessings on your journey,  AuthorThe quotes in this post are from Linda's recently published memoir. She is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her new memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace. I welcome your comments and feedback.
But when a woman loses her husband because of divorce, many people feel at a loss and end up doing next to nothing. Or worse … they abandon her altogether. Not only might she lose friends, but favorite in-laws whom she’s regarded as family may also depart. You’re a good friend and you want to support her. Here are some suggestion on ways you might be able to help.
I’m a firm believer in karma – what goes around comes around. Your friend is probably going through the most devastating experience of her life. Offering her support will likely mean everything to her. Hopefully you won’t have to go through a divorce yourself, but you may too need help from friends one day. Be grateful you are able to provide help for your friend now. Blessings on your journey,  AuthorThe quotes in this post are from Linda's recently published memoir. She is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her new memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace. I welcome your comments and feedback.
I recently heard a talk on how to help someone who is in crisis. The speaker stated that people experiencing trouble usually want to keep their problems to themselves, and the reason is often shame.“Shame” is the first issue we need to address here, as it can keep you (the divorced person) from receiving the help you need and deserve. Divorce happens to the best of us and to the worst of us. Fortunately, I felt no shame over my divorce and was open to receiving help. I was amazed and grateful for all the different ways I received help in the aftermath of my divorce, some of it I asked for, and some that seemed to miraculously appear. (You can read all about it in my recently published memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce.) Shame often points to pride The feeling of shame over a divorce often points to pride. You can no longer claim to have the marriage and life you believe you should have or that you deserve. Whether or not your spouse was to blame or you were, your new circumstances are the same. You are experiencing the trauma of divorce and you can probably use some help. If you are feeling shame, I urge you to let it go. In doing so, you will be open to accepting the love and support that is waiting for you. What to Ask For: Ten Suggestions Here are ten suggestions for friends, family, and professionals who might help you get through those first difficult weeks after your divorce. These folks may not know exactly what you need so go ahead and ask!
Of course you will be reasonable in the amount of time and energy you ask a friend to spend on your behalf. But what if the person says “No”? Someone once told me, “You’ll never know until you make your move.” I’m amending that to “You’ll never know until you ask!” Trust that the “Nos” and “Yeses” you receive will be okay, that the help you truly need will be provided at the right time. Blessings to you on your journey,  AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her new memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace. I welcome your comments and feedback.
 Curtesy DepositPhotos I liken my divorce experience to that of an imaginary woman I’ll call Anna. Anna had lived for a long time with a diseased leg that caused a persistent dull ache. At times, significant sharp pains brought her to tears. Nevertheless, she could get around on that leg, even though it pained her and even though it sometimes felt as if it would collapse. Finally, though, the pain became so great and the leg so weak, it threatened Anna’s overall health and had to be removed. The surgery was extremely painful. What a shock to Anna's system! Afterwards, Anna had to learn to use a crutch. The crutch was restrictive and made her clumsy. Sometimes she wished she still had her old leg, as unhealthy as it was. Nevertheless, she clung to the belief that she would eventually be okay, and she kept trying to walk. As she did, she felt her body changing. One day, to her shock, she discovered a new leg had miraculously begun to grow from the scars of the missing leg. As Anna kept moving forward, the leg continued to grow until it was a completely new leg, even better than her original one--stronger yet more flexible. She no longer needed the crutch. For the first time in a very long time, Anna could run and hop and twirl and dance. She discovered new moves she’d neve dreamed she could make. She felt more joyful, more confident. Anna wasn’t simply as good as new; she was different, better—more lovely and more loving than she’d been, even before her limb had become diseased. Anna lived the rest of her life in deep gratitude for this rebirth. Yes, I was like Anna. My long-term marriage wasn’t good, but I’d learned to live with the dull ache of feeling things weren’t right. I did my best to repair what was broken, but I was not powerful enough to heal our relationship. There came a point when I had to wrench myself free. The result was terribly painful, as if I’d cut off a limb. Still, I clung to the believe that God cared for me and that I would eventually be healed. And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28 Just like Anna, not only did I survive, I learned to thrive. I found resilience, confidence, and joy. I learned to dance! Divorce survivors discover that no matter how tough it was to leave, their lives can be better than ever. My friends, you may be hurting now from your divorce experience, but have faith. Keep on walking and trust God you will come out on the other side, stronger and more joyful. Blessings,  For autographed copy of my memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, click here to go to the order page on my website. I use inexpensive media mail, and there’s no charge for packaging. Just $16.99 plus tax and $2.80 for shipping. The book can also be ordered through several online bookstore. AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through a divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace. Contact her: Linda@LindaMKurth.com  I welcome your comments and feedback.
 Going through a divorce can be a lonely experience, especially if no one in your circle of friends has been through it herself or is giving you bad advice. The good news for you is that we're here to help. Three of us have been through divorce and come out stronger and happier on the other side. Our fourth author is a counselor and expert on loss. She's learned to be content living alone after being widowed. We’re eager to share our experiences and expertise to help you survive and flourish too. Here's who we are and how our books can possibly help you. 
Relationship Solutions: Effective Strategies to Heal Your Heart and Create the Happiness You Deserve (The Sister's Guides to Empowered Living Book 3) Sonia’s book is a clear-eyed look at what holds a marriage together and what tears it apart. Sonia’s writing is both practical and lively, coming across as a dear friend who desires the best for her reader. I chuckled over many of her self-directed questions: “Are you just getting a taste of the good stuff? Or is it the main course? Do you feel like you’re served a 3-shrimp cocktail followed by a huge mound of box mashed potatoes?” Her questions in the “Reflections” section are more serious and probing, revealing the her attorney side. As a divorced woman of faith, I especially appreciated her advice. “Do not give up on your faith because your decision to divorce is incompatible with dogma.” Sonia’s book covers all the concerns I had before, during, and after my divorce. If I’d her book back then, I’m sure making the decisions I had to make would have been easier. 
Taming the Dragons: Choices for Women in Conflict and Pain Dealing with huge personal problems such as divorce demands us to draw on all the courage and faith we can muster. Brenda draws on examples of overcomers from mythology, fairy tales, history, the Bible, and personal experiences. She shows readers there is always something a woman can do to change her circumstances for the better, no matter how small that change may be. Reading her book opened my eyes to ways little, creative actions can ultimately pave the way for big positive changes. Each chapter ends with “Something to Think About” that includes relevant Bible verses and questions about how you can apply the chapter’s theme to your own life. A unique, entertaining, and encouraging book for all women.  Marlene Anderson: Marlene is a licensed therapist who shares her training, love of God and life experiences through writing and speaking engagements. She is passionate about sharing God’s great love and transforming power and helping every woman discover her potential. Marlene encourages and motivates others who are going through tough times.
Learning to Live Again in a New World: A Journey from Loss to New Life In her book, Marlene addresses four stages of grieve and provides suggestions on how to deal with each one. Her compassion shines through, having experienced a tragic loss herself. As a licensed therapist, her prescriptions for recovery are clear and practical. The two appendixes offer additional information on working through difficult grief emotions and offering and receiving support. There is a study guide at the end of the book that can be used in group settings. Having gone through a divorce and the grief that followed myself, I gladly recommend this book to people struggling to recover from divorce.  Linda M. Kurth: I write memoir, romance, and non-fiction for adults. For children, I write fantasy and non-fiction. Deciding to divorce my crazymaking husband was the most difficult decision I ever had to make. Condemnation from conservative Christian acquaintances piled on the heartbreak. I wrote this memoir to help other Christian women who are going through divorce.
God, the Devil, and Divorce: A Transformative Journey out of Emotional and Spiritual Abuse After more than 20 years of marriage, Linda is shaken when her pastor/counselor suggests her husband is a “crazymaker.” This news opens her eyes to the emotional abuse that has been going on for years. After a heartbreaking move, she brings up the subject of divorce with a new counselor. “If you divorce, Satan wins!” the counselor tells her. Linda questions this statement and intensifies her quest to understand God’s will. She ultimately determines He loves her more than the institution of marriage. Trusting Him, she risks an unknown future when she decides to divorce. Her journey of recovery is inspiring. Each one of these books has a wealth of information and inspiration. Discover what speaks to you best and go for it! We're rooting for you! Blessings, 
I receive letters from newly divorced readers of my blog worried that they might never find true love. I tell them I understand their fears. I’ve been where they are now. Back then I’d dreamt of a third chance at love and a satisfying marriage. But what were the odds of me finding someone at my age? “God doesn’t operate by numbers and percentages,” a friend reminded me as I worked on recovering from the demise of my twenty-five-year marriage — the one that was supposed to last the rest of my life. Here I was, 55 years old and trying to figure out my life. I knew I needed healing and self-discovery before considering dating again. I knew I needed healing and self-discovery before considering dating again. After going through counseling and “graduating” from several months of a divorce recovery class, I decided to branch out in new ways, including ballroom dancing. I began taking lessons and had the first genuine laugh I’d experienced since the divorce. I discovered I had a natural talent in that area, and it became a vehicle for interacting with men in a safe environment. I made new friends through a singles group at church, and I purchased my own home. I decided to build a career for myself and went back to school. It had been years since I’d pursued academics, and those first classes were a challenge. Conquering them, though, increased my self-confidence.  When I felt ready to date, it was simply for male companionship. I made a vow to remain celibate until the right man came along and we married even though that meant I might be celibate for the rest of my life. Most dates weren’t too happy that I wasn’t into having sex with them, but this decision protected me from making choices based solely on emotion and physical attraction. As I became more serious about finding someone special, I wrote down thirty — THIRTY! — characteristics in a man I’d want as a husband. I told the Lord I was in no hurry, and please, “don’t give me any substitutes.” Then, one evening, I met a guy who seemed nice enough, although his dancing skills weren’t up to my level. He soon fixed that by taking lessons. We talked frankly about ourselves and our beliefs, and I made him take personality tests! After earning the seal of approval from our church counselors, we were married six months later. He is the love of my life. My recovery took time and had its setbacks. My recovery took time and had its setbacks, but I made progress. To sum up, here are the actions and decisions I made that brought me to my current state of “married bliss.”
Writing about our courtship was my favorite piece of completing my memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce. If you’re wondering if you’ll ever find love again, I hope that by knowing my journey, you might be encouraged. Blessings,  AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. She is the author of God, the Devil, and Divorce: A Transformative Journey out of Emotional and Physical Abuse, available in paperback and as an eBook. Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com  My ex was suddenly in the room. “Let's pause the movie and make some popcorn,” he said, suggesting something we’d habitually done during our twenty-five-year marriage. I collapsed in a torrent of tears, knowing he couldn’t be real. We’d been divorced for three months, and he’d moved away. When I discovered he'd secretly remarried, I'd gone into shock. His apparition that evening was a sign of my struggle to deal with all that was happening to me. What I didn’t understand was that I was experiencing divorce trauma. Psychological trauma is damage to the mind that occurs as a result of a distressing event. Trauma is often the result of an overwhelming amount of stress that exceeds one's ability to cope, or integrate the emotions involved with that experience. Wikipedia The divorce and shock of discovering my ex-husband's duplicity brought up big, soul-wrenching questions: Who was I? Would I ever feel whole again? Would I ever find love again? Then there were the more practical questions: Where would I live? What kind of lifestyle would my new financial situation provide? Would I have to find a job? Where would I find a church and local friends? (We had recently moved.) It seemed as if my entire future was a huge question mark, compromising my ability to cope. Trauma can be manifested in several waysTrauma can be manifested in several ways depending on the precise circumstances combined with the personality of the person experiencing it. If you’ve been divorced, you may recognize some of the symptoms on this partial list.
In the aftermath of my divorce, I experienced several of the above (which I describe in my up-coming memoir). The good news is that my craziness after the trauma was typical and temporary. It was a phase, and phases pass. I couldn’t have articulated that truth at the time, but deep down, I understood it and was able to move forward. Some ways you can |
 | What one or two new pieces would make your heart glad? A new carpet? A comfortable chair? It doesn’t have to be useful—perhaps it’s a painting. For me, it was a new red velour overstuffed couch. That piece spoke “comfort” to me and served as a sign of taking care of |
myself. If at all possible, you’ll want to transform your bedroom, the most personal space in your home, beginning with a new bedcover and pillows. *”We need sleep to heal, restore, feel safe, be healthy, and calm our minds,” says Faith Sheridan who has degrees in psychology and interior design. Adjustable lighting is especially important, being able to have enough light to read in bed, and softer to sooth you as you prepare to sleep.
Paint the Town(house)
Hopefully, you’ll be able to repaint your walls like Theo did, if you so choose. Maybe your ex wanted only neutral wall colors, but you could use a dash of color. Go for it! When I purchased my townhouse, I went crazy with paint, experimenting with various techniques and even painting the once-dull parquet kitchen floor. I transformed my office walls were in dappled shades of sunny yellow. I envisioned a Coney Island vibe for the hall bath done in primary colors. (I completed the look with vintage photos of family members at the beach.) My bedroom walls were covered in calming pistachio with a glittery glaze peeking through. I reveled in it all.
Hopefully, you’ll be able to repaint your walls like Theo did, if you so choose. Maybe your ex wanted only neutral wall colors, but you could use a dash of color. Go for it! When I purchased my townhouse, I went crazy with paint, experimenting with various techniques and even painting the once-dull parquet kitchen floor. I transformed my office walls were in dappled shades of sunny yellow. I envisioned a Coney Island vibe for the hall bath done in primary colors. (I completed the look with vintage photos of family members at the beach.) My bedroom walls were covered in calming pistachio with a glittery glaze peeking through. I reveled in it all.
Add greenery
Unless you absolutely have a brown thumb, consider adding plants to your environment. As living beings, plants can help us feel connected to the natural world. Indoor plants can boost mood, productivity, concentration, and creativity. They reduce stress and fatigue while absorbing toxins, increasing humidity, and producing oxygen in indoor air.
Personally, I love having live plants in my home. I once asked a fellow-plant lover what her secret to have so many beautiful, healthy-looking plants. “When one dies, I get a new one,” she told me with a grin. In other words, you’ll want to follow the recommended conditions for your new plants, but don’t be afraid of making a few mistakes when learning what works in your space. Your efforts will soon pay off. Indoor plants might even become your passion! Here’s a link to help you get started.
Visually transforming your home can have a positive influence on you as you transform your life. My hope is you’ll feel nurtured by your surroundings in this time of transition, and this transformation will be a sign of a new, hopeful beginning of your life full of yet-to-be-discovered opportunities.
Blessings,
Unless you absolutely have a brown thumb, consider adding plants to your environment. As living beings, plants can help us feel connected to the natural world. Indoor plants can boost mood, productivity, concentration, and creativity. They reduce stress and fatigue while absorbing toxins, increasing humidity, and producing oxygen in indoor air.
Personally, I love having live plants in my home. I once asked a fellow-plant lover what her secret to have so many beautiful, healthy-looking plants. “When one dies, I get a new one,” she told me with a grin. In other words, you’ll want to follow the recommended conditions for your new plants, but don’t be afraid of making a few mistakes when learning what works in your space. Your efforts will soon pay off. Indoor plants might even become your passion! Here’s a link to help you get started.
Visually transforming your home can have a positive influence on you as you transform your life. My hope is you’ll feel nurtured by your surroundings in this time of transition, and this transformation will be a sign of a new, hopeful beginning of your life full of yet-to-be-discovered opportunities.
Blessings,
 |
*Quoted in the article “At Home in the Northwest: A Great Escape,” by Lora Shinn, The Seattle Times, 9/6/2020
Author
Linda is a divorced and remarried Christian. Before taking up writing full-time, she was an interior designer and space planner for over ten years having studied Interior Design through UCLA’s Extension Certification program. Her romance, Home of the Heart, is based on her years as an interior designer.
I welcome your comments and feedback.
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12 Steps to a More Joyful Life after Divorce
30 Things to Do When You're Single
Forgiveness Self-Assessment
Resources for Healing from Spiritual Abuse
50 Divorce Recovery Books and Blogs
12 Steps to a More Joyful Life after Divorce
30 Things to Do When You're Single
Forgiveness Self-Assessment
Resources for Healing from Spiritual Abuse
50 Divorce Recovery Books and Blogs
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Recommended Reading
Instone-Brewer, David. Divorce and Remarriage in the Church: Biblical Solutions for Pastoral Realities,
Divorce and Remarriage | Andrew Farley
Is Divorce the unforgivable sin? | Andrew Farley
Quoting and Linking
Unless otherwise noted, all contents © 2017 Linda M. Kurth. If you quote this blog, please cite and provide a link back. Thank you.
If you're interested in sharing your story of divorce and the response of other Christians, email Linda at Linda@LindaMKurth.com for guidelines.