Help and Healing for Divorced Christians
Recovering from Divorce?
Get Linda’s 12 Steps for a More Joyful Life after Divorce.
Recovering from Divorce?
Get Linda’s 12 Steps for a More Joyful Life after Divorce.
 Going through a divorce can be a lonely experience, especially if no one in your circle of friends has been through it herself or is giving you bad advice. The good news for you is that we're here to help. Three of us have been through divorce and come out stronger and happier on the other side. Our fourth author is a counselor and expert on loss. She's learned to be content living alone after being widowed. We’re eager to share our experiences and expertise to help you survive and flourish too. Here's who we are and how our books can possibly help you. 
Relationship Solutions: Effective Strategies to Heal Your Heart and Create the Happiness You Deserve (The Sister's Guides to Empowered Living Book 3) Sonia’s book is a clear-eyed look at what holds a marriage together and what tears it apart. Sonia’s writing is both practical and lively, coming across as a dear friend who desires the best for her reader. I chuckled over many of her self-directed questions: “Are you just getting a taste of the good stuff? Or is it the main course? Do you feel like you’re served a 3-shrimp cocktail followed by a huge mound of box mashed potatoes?” Her questions in the “Reflections” section are more serious and probing, revealing the her attorney side. As a divorced woman of faith, I especially appreciated her advice. “Do not give up on your faith because your decision to divorce is incompatible with dogma.” Sonia’s book covers all the concerns I had before, during, and after my divorce. If I’d her book back then, I’m sure making the decisions I had to make would have been easier. 
Taming the Dragons: Choices for Women in Conflict and Pain Dealing with huge personal problems such as divorce demands us to draw on all the courage and faith we can muster. Brenda draws on examples of overcomers from mythology, fairy tales, history, the Bible, and personal experiences. She shows readers there is always something a woman can do to change her circumstances for the better, no matter how small that change may be. Reading her book opened my eyes to ways little, creative actions can ultimately pave the way for big positive changes. Each chapter ends with “Something to Think About” that includes relevant Bible verses and questions about how you can apply the chapter’s theme to your own life. A unique, entertaining, and encouraging book for all women.  Marlene Anderson: Marlene is a licensed therapist who shares her training, love of God and life experiences through writing and speaking engagements. She is passionate about sharing God’s great love and transforming power and helping every woman discover her potential. Marlene encourages and motivates others who are going through tough times.
Learning to Live Again in a New World: A Journey from Loss to New Life In her book, Marlene addresses four stages of grieve and provides suggestions on how to deal with each one. Her compassion shines through, having experienced a tragic loss herself. As a licensed therapist, her prescriptions for recovery are clear and practical. The two appendixes offer additional information on working through difficult grief emotions and offering and receiving support. There is a study guide at the end of the book that can be used in group settings. Having gone through a divorce and the grief that followed myself, I gladly recommend this book to people struggling to recover from divorce.  Linda M. Kurth: I write memoir, romance, and non-fiction for adults. For children, I write fantasy and non-fiction. Deciding to divorce my crazymaking husband was the most difficult decision I ever had to make. Condemnation from conservative Christian acquaintances piled on the heartbreak. I wrote this memoir to help other Christian women who are going through divorce.
God, the Devil, and Divorce: A Transformative Journey out of Emotional and Spiritual Abuse After more than 20 years of marriage, Linda is shaken when her pastor/counselor suggests her husband is a “crazymaker.” This news opens her eyes to the emotional abuse that has been going on for years. After a heartbreaking move, she brings up the subject of divorce with a new counselor. “If you divorce, Satan wins!” the counselor tells her. Linda questions this statement and intensifies her quest to understand God’s will. She ultimately determines He loves her more than the institution of marriage. Trusting Him, she risks an unknown future when she decides to divorce. Her journey of recovery is inspiring. Each one of these books has a wealth of information and inspiration. Discover what speaks to you best and go for it! We're rooting for you! Blessings, 
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I receive letters from newly divorced readers of my blog worried that they might never find true love. I tell them I understand their fears. I’ve been where they are now. Back then I’d dreamt of a third chance at love and a satisfying marriage. But what were the odds of me finding someone at my age? “God doesn’t operate by numbers and percentages,” a friend reminded me as I worked on recovering from the demise of my twenty-five-year marriage — the one that was supposed to last the rest of my life. Here I was, 55 years old and trying to figure out my life. I knew I needed healing and self-discovery before considering dating again. I knew I needed healing and self-discovery before considering dating again. After going through counseling and “graduating” from several months of a divorce recovery class, I decided to branch out in new ways, including ballroom dancing. I began taking lessons and had the first genuine laugh I’d experienced since the divorce. I discovered I had a natural talent in that area, and it became a vehicle for interacting with men in a safe environment. I made new friends through a singles group at church, and I purchased my own home.I decided to build a career for myself and went back to school. It had been years since I’d pursued academics, and those first classes were a challenge. Conquering them, though, increased my self-confidence.
When I felt ready to date, it was simply for male companionship. I made a vow to remain celibate until the right man came along and we married even though that meant I might be celibate for the rest of my life. Most dates weren’t too happy that I wasn’t into having sex with them, but this decision protected me from making choices based solely on emotion and physical attraction. As I became more serious about finding someone special, I wrote down thirty — THIRTY! — characteristics in a man I’d want as a husband. I told the Lord I was in no hurry, and please, “don’t give me any substitutes.” Then, one evening, I met a guy who seemed nice enough, although his dancing skills weren’t up to my level. He soon fixed that by taking lessons. We talked frankly about ourselves and our beliefs, and I made him take personality tests! After earning the seal of approval from our church counselors, we were married six months later. He is the love of my life. My recovery took time and had its setbacks. My recovery took time and had its setbacks, but I made progress. To sum up, here are the actions and decisions I made that brought me to my current state of “married bliss.”
Writing about our courtship was my favorite piece of completing my memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce. If you’re wondering if you’ll ever find love again, I hope that by knowing my journey, you might be encouraged. Blessings,  AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. She is the author of the newly released eBook, God, the Devil, and Divorce: A Transformative Journey out of Emotional and Physical Abuse, available in paperback, March 2, 2021. Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com  My ex was suddenly in the room. “Let's pause the movie and make some popcorn,” he said, suggesting something we’d habitually done during our twenty-five-year marriage. I collapsed in a torrent of tears, knowing he couldn’t be real. We’d been divorced for three months, and he’d moved away. When I discovered he'd secretly remarried, I'd gone into shock. His apparition that evening was a sign of my struggle to deal with all that was happening to me. What I didn’t understand was that I was experiencing divorce trauma. Psychological trauma is damage to the mind that occurs as a result of a distressing event. Trauma is often the result of an overwhelming amount of stress that exceeds one's ability to cope, or integrate the emotions involved with that experience. Wikipedia The divorce and shock of discovering my ex-husband's duplicity brought up big, soul-wrenching questions: Who was I? Would I ever feel whole again? Would I ever find love again? Then there were the more practical questions: Where would I live? What kind of lifestyle would my new financial situation provide? Would I have to find a job? Where would I find a church and local friends? (We had recently moved.) It seemed as if my entire future was a huge question mark, compromising my ability to cope. Trauma can be manifested in several waysTrauma can be manifested in several ways depending on the precise circumstances combined with the personality of the person experiencing it. If you’ve been divorced, you may recognize some of the symptoms on this partial list.
In the aftermath of my divorce, I experienced several of the above (which I describe in my up-coming memoir). The good news is that my craziness after the trauma was typical and temporary. It was a phase, and phases pass. I couldn’t have articulated that truth at the time, but deep down, I understood it and was able to move forward. Some ways you can |
 | What one or two new pieces would make your heart glad? A new carpet? A comfortable chair? It doesn’t have to be useful—perhaps it’s a painting. For me, it was a new red velour overstuffed couch. That piece spoke “comfort” to me and served as a sign of taking care of |
myself. If at all possible, you’ll want to transform your bedroom, the most personal space in your home, beginning with a new bedcover and pillows. *”We need sleep to heal, restore, feel safe, be healthy, and calm our minds,” says Faith Sheridan who has degrees in psychology and interior design. Adjustable lighting is especially important, being able to have enough light to read in bed, and softer to sooth you as you prepare to sleep.
Paint the Town(house)
Hopefully, you’ll be able to repaint your walls like Theo did, if you so choose. Maybe your ex wanted only neutral wall colors, but you could use a dash of color. Go for it! When I purchased my townhouse, I went crazy with paint, experimenting with various techniques and even painting the once-dull parquet kitchen floor. I transformed my office walls were in dappled shades of sunny yellow. I envisioned a Coney Island vibe for the hall bath done in primary colors. (I completed the look with vintage photos of family members at the beach.) My bedroom walls were covered in calming pistachio with a glittery glaze peeking through. I reveled in it all.
Hopefully, you’ll be able to repaint your walls like Theo did, if you so choose. Maybe your ex wanted only neutral wall colors, but you could use a dash of color. Go for it! When I purchased my townhouse, I went crazy with paint, experimenting with various techniques and even painting the once-dull parquet kitchen floor. I transformed my office walls were in dappled shades of sunny yellow. I envisioned a Coney Island vibe for the hall bath done in primary colors. (I completed the look with vintage photos of family members at the beach.) My bedroom walls were covered in calming pistachio with a glittery glaze peeking through. I reveled in it all.
Add greenery
Unless you absolutely have a brown thumb, consider adding plants to your environment. As living beings, plants can help us feel connected to the natural world. Indoor plants can boost mood, productivity, concentration, and creativity. They reduce stress and fatigue while absorbing toxins, increasing humidity, and producing oxygen in indoor air.
Personally, I love having live plants in my home. I once asked a fellow-plant lover what her secret to have so many beautiful, healthy-looking plants. “When one dies, I get a new one,” she told me with a grin. In other words, you’ll want to follow the recommended conditions for your new plants, but don’t be afraid of making a few mistakes when learning what works in your space. Your efforts will soon pay off. Indoor plants might even become your passion! Here’s a link to help you get started.
Unless you absolutely have a brown thumb, consider adding plants to your environment. As living beings, plants can help us feel connected to the natural world. Indoor plants can boost mood, productivity, concentration, and creativity. They reduce stress and fatigue while absorbing toxins, increasing humidity, and producing oxygen in indoor air.
Personally, I love having live plants in my home. I once asked a fellow-plant lover what her secret to have so many beautiful, healthy-looking plants. “When one dies, I get a new one,” she told me with a grin. In other words, you’ll want to follow the recommended conditions for your new plants, but don’t be afraid of making a few mistakes when learning what works in your space. Your efforts will soon pay off. Indoor plants might even become your passion! Here’s a link to help you get started.
Visually transforming your home can have a positive influence on you as you transform your life. My hope is you’ll feel nurtured by your surroundings in this time of transition, and this transformation will be a sign of a new, hopeful beginning of your life full of yet-to-be-discovered opportunities.
*Quoted in the article “At Home in the Northwest: A Great Escape,” by Lora Shinn, The Seattle Times, 9/6/2020
Linda is a divorced and remarried Christian. Before taking up writing full-time, she was an interior designer and space planner for over ten years having studied Interior Design through UCLA’s Extension Certification program. Her romance, Home of the Heart, is based on her years as an interior designer.
*Quoted in the article “At Home in the Northwest: A Great Escape,” by Lora Shinn, The Seattle Times, 9/6/2020
Linda is a divorced and remarried Christian. Before taking up writing full-time, she was an interior designer and space planner for over ten years having studied Interior Design through UCLA’s Extension Certification program. Her romance, Home of the Heart, is based on her years as an interior designer.
If you’ve recently been divorced, you may be in a world of hurt.
Finding joy may seem impossible. In addition, you’ve most likely been affected in some way by the current pandemic. How can you possibly find joy in all of this?
Webster’s dictionary defines Joy as "a condition or feeling of
high pleasure or delight; happiness or gladness."
Webster’s dictionary defines Joy as "a condition or feeling of high pleasure or delight; happiness or gladness." Yet, a different kind of joy can be found--not the giddy experience of being on top of the world, but a deep knowing that we are going to be all right.
The Bible has a lot to say about this type of joy. “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” (James 1: 2-4 NIV). This joy is about anticipation, believing that something good will come out of our difficulties. It’s not that we seek out these tough times--there’s no need to do that--most of us experience troubles in this life at one time or another. But when we find ourselves in the midst of those times, we can lean into them and find joy, believing we will become stronger for the experience.
One way to find joy is to bless others even when we are in the midst of our own pain.
One way to find joy is to bless others even when we are in the midst of our own pain. Here’s an example: Shortly after my divorce, I became part of a large singles group. I vividly remember a single mom with two children telling us what happened to her and her family that first Christmas after her husband had left. She was barely scraping by, but the three of them decided to bless another family who was also struggling. They gathered up what they could, put their finds in a gift basket, and secretly left the basket at the family’s door. On the way home, they laughed and sang, joyful in the gift giving. To their surprise, they found a gift basket waiting at their own front door. Their joy had been multiplied.
Personally, I discovered joy as my family and friends
rallied around me.
rallied around me.
We may be so damaged in challenging times, we can barely function. It’s okay to just be, letting friends and family love on us. Frightened at facing an unknown future during my own divorce, I put all my trust in the Lord. I tell of that experience in my up-coming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce: “The photo on my new driver’s license is one of my best ever. I have a theory of why that is. I believe in times of great loss, we are at our most vulnerable. I’ve heard it called, ‘sacred time.’ Although I hurt to my core, I felt as if I had an aura protecting me. It shows in my countenance, and many people responded to me in a kinder, gentler manner than before.” I discovered joy as my family and friends rallied around me.
Although I have no desire to return to that place again, that memory remains deep in my soul. I grew emotionally and spiritually stronger through that trial. I was able to embrace the gifts that the difficult time taught me. As James wrote, I now feel more “mature and complete, not lacking in anything.”
I encourage you to be open to the joy waiting for you during trials and recovery. As the Beatles sang, “in times of trouble--let it be.” God’s got you.
Blessings,
Although I have no desire to return to that place again, that memory remains deep in my soul. I grew emotionally and spiritually stronger through that trial. I was able to embrace the gifts that the difficult time taught me. As James wrote, I now feel more “mature and complete, not lacking in anything.”
I encourage you to be open to the joy waiting for you during trials and recovery. As the Beatles sang, “in times of trouble--let it be.” God’s got you.
Blessings,
Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com
Author
Linda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.
I recently asked Marlene Anderson to tell us about her new book, Learning to Live Again in a New World: A Journey from Loss to New Life, that touches on an issue apropos to many who are going through divorce. Marlene is a licensed therapist, author, and speaker. Her website notes, “She is passionate about sharing God’s great love and transforming power and helping every woman discover her potential—Marlene encourages and motivates others who are going through tough times.” Here’s our conversation.
 Linda | Marlene, you went through a devastating loss when your husband died. Many of us who have been through divorce have experienced profound loss too. Can you speak to the universality of loss? |
 Marlene | Thanks, Linda. Yes, we often think of losses as something we quickly address and then move on with life as usual. But the more significant the loss, the more the impact it has on every area of our life: social, financial, personal, family, friendships, and our past as well as our future. There are many layers connected to our losses that require time to process adequately. A significant loss can trigger old losses from our childhood, and we feel those emotions all over again. Relationships within social circles begin to change. Conflicts with family or others may require intercession as we come to terms with difficult situations surrounding our loss. |
 Linda | You mention social circles changing. I know this is common after a divorce. That was true for me, as I had recently moved. I needed new single friends, but more basic than that, I needed to answer many questions about what my life would ultimately look like. It took a lot of effort to define and shape my new reality. |
 Marlene | With all endings, a transition is needed to leave one reality behind as we move to a new beginning. As we pick up the pieces of our life, questions bombard us about how and where to go from here. “What do I do now,” and “Will I ever be happy again?” We can experience a multitude of emotions and conflicting thoughts: shock, anger, fear, anxiety, relief, shame, guilt, etc. In that process, reflection is required, goals need redefining, and we need to answer the question, who am I now? I knew who I was yesterday, but who am I today? |
 Linda | I remember wishing I could speed up the process of divorce recovery. Can you speak to that? |
Divorce is a significant loss – it is a death of a marriage
 Marlene | Divorce is a significant loss – it is a death of a marriage that was important. It takes time to process any loss and it is important to grant ourselves that time. We can use that time more effectively when we come to terms with the unpleasant things associated with it. That can be more difficult because after a certain length of time, friends and family assume we have healed. They resume their lives, and we find ourselves alone, struggling to put the pieces back together. We begin to lose confidence and doubt ourselves and our abilities to make a new positive start. Age and circumstances can require a greater effort in restructuring our lives. Trying to find a “new” normal takes time and we might hurry through some important decision considerations. |
 Linda | During my divorce recovery, I had the opportunity to learn from other newly divorced singles about their recovery process. It seems that some people hide away and don’t want to talk about what they’re going through. I’m rather embarrassed to admit that I couldn’t stop talking about it! You are in uncharted territory |
 Marlene | Feedback from supportive friends and licensed professionals is important. We need validation for the turmoil of thoughts and emotions we experience. We need to find ways to get conflicting thoughts out of our heads so we can work more constructively with them. You are in uncharted territory. You have never been here before. Support is critical and sharing with others in a safe group, can be healing. In my book, I offer additional information about working through the more complex emotions of anger, shame and guilt in Appendix A of my book. |
 Linda | You’ve obviously thought a lot about how to recover from loss and grief. |
 Marlene | You're right, I have. Grieving a loss is more than just acceptance and letting go. It is about building a new reality within all areas of our life. We need information that can both help us understand and work with what we are experiencing, and the tools to create a new satisfying and meaningful beginning. Moving through that transition from ending to new life requires careful thought and personal clarification. As I moved from personal grieving after the death of my husband to acquiring more knowledge about grief and loss through continuing education courses, I began working with clients, individually and in group sessions. I soon realized that people wanted and needed more than just talking about their sorrow. And while there were many books available that spoke to those early days of sorrow, it seemed little information was offered to help grievers create a new road map moving forward. I began creating worksheets that addressed some of those conflicts and concerns. And this became the genesis for my current book. |
More about Marlene’s book:
Learning to Live Again in a New World: A Journey from Loss to New Life is divided into four parts. Part one addresses those early days of loss and part two speaks to letting go, putting your loss to rest. Part three looks at going through that transitional period between what you are leaving behind and how to begin again. Part four helps you assess obstacles, think through options and put together a new plan for your life. The two appendixes offer additional information on working through difficult grief emotions and offering and receiving support. There is a study guide at the end of the book that can be used in group settings, and it comes in hard or soft copy, e-book and audio book. The following link will take you to her book release page on Amazon.
I appreciate Marlene spending the time to talk a little about grief and why it's important to address the issue when it occurs in our own lives.
Blessings,
Learning to Live Again in a New World: A Journey from Loss to New Life is divided into four parts. Part one addresses those early days of loss and part two speaks to letting go, putting your loss to rest. Part three looks at going through that transitional period between what you are leaving behind and how to begin again. Part four helps you assess obstacles, think through options and put together a new plan for your life. The two appendixes offer additional information on working through difficult grief emotions and offering and receiving support. There is a study guide at the end of the book that can be used in group settings, and it comes in hard or soft copy, e-book and audio book. The following link will take you to her book release page on Amazon.
I appreciate Marlene spending the time to talk a little about grief and why it's important to address the issue when it occurs in our own lives.
Blessings,
Blog Author
Linda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.
Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? Or encouraged? There are hurting people who would like to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com
 | In my previous post, I explored the causes of feeling shamed by one's divorce. Here are some strategies for overcoming divorce shame. |
- Surround yourself with people who want to support you. For me it was a mix of family, a divorce recovery group, and new friends I found through a Christian singles group. Search for a non-judgmental faith community.
- Be willing to accept where you failed in your marriage, but don’t obsess about it. In and article for "Psychology Today," John Amodeo, Ph.D wrote, “Differentiate toxic shame from healthy, friendly shame. Recognizing the toxic shame that holds us back from being and affirming ourselves is a helpful step towards reducing it. Noticing healthy shame that informs us when we’re violating another’s boundaries and dignity can attune us to how we’re affecting people.” Understand you are learning and growing and becoming a better person from your experience. You are not defined by your past mistakes.
- Be open to self-compassion, recognizing and accepting your wounds. Don’t expect to make a quick recovery. You’re probably experiencing many changes since the divorce and need time to adjust. There may be days you feel paralyzed, and that’s normal.
- You may think you’ve conquered shame, only to have it show up again. If you can’t seem to let it go, make an appointment with your counselor. Believe it or not, simply by acknowledging you need help is progress.
- Be bold in finding the right professional with whom to talk. Be an advocate for yourself, and insist on finding someone who is right for you. I quickly discovered my first post-divorce counselor didn’t understand my faith issues. Once I was able to articulate what I needed, it was easier to find a counselor who suited me.
- Make an inventory of your worth and achievements. If you have trouble getting started, pretend you are your own best friend. What kind things can you tell her you see in her.
- Bring your shame to Jesus. He understands shame, having been mocked, spat upon, and finally allowing Himself to be killed. His Word reassures us of our worth (read Romans 8:1). If you are aware of any wrongdoing on your part, bring those to Him and He'll forgive you, releasing you from your shame.
If you've been suffering from divorce shame, I pray these suggestions will lift your spirits, and that you'll be able to move beyond shame into the light.
Blessings,
Blessings,
Author
Linda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. Linda advocates for the healing of divorce Christians, She invites them to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation of divorced people and become a source of healing and grace.
Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? Or encouraged? There are hurting people who would like to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com
When I married my current husband, our announcement carried the tag line, “Third time’s the charm.” Both of us had been married and divorced twice. Even though we were Christians, we were not ashamed to admit it.
But that wasn’t true for me in the first month after divorcing my husband of twenty-five years. I’m writing this post for those of you who were left by a spouse, and for those of you who had a need to leave for your own well being and/or for the good of your children. Let's first look at reasons for divorce shame.
Losing Your Title
Why are many of us ashamed, when almost half of all marriages end in divorce? I believe one reason for women is they may identify strongly with being wives. I once met a woman who had written a divorce memoir entitled, Once a Wife. I couldn’t relate. To me, losing the title of wife paled in comparison with loss of love, companionship, security, and other marital benefits. Come to think of it, I don’t know of many divorced men who are ashamed because they no longer have the title of “husband.”(Let me know if I’m wrong here.)
Anyone can get married. Any woman can find a way to become a wife. If losing the title of “wife” is your issue, be creative and give yourself one or two new, more positive titles to accurately describe who you really are--someone much more than a wife.
Why are many of us ashamed, when almost half of all marriages end in divorce? I believe one reason for women is they may identify strongly with being wives. I once met a woman who had written a divorce memoir entitled, Once a Wife. I couldn’t relate. To me, losing the title of wife paled in comparison with loss of love, companionship, security, and other marital benefits. Come to think of it, I don’t know of many divorced men who are ashamed because they no longer have the title of “husband.”(Let me know if I’m wrong here.)
Anyone can get married. Any woman can find a way to become a wife. If losing the title of “wife” is your issue, be creative and give yourself one or two new, more positive titles to accurately describe who you really are--someone much more than a wife.
Being Seen as a Failure
How about divorce seen as a sign of failure? Now we’re getting somewhere. Divorce is often equated with failure, and we are taught we shouldn’t fail, particularly with our significant life choices.
The Oxford dictionary defines failure as “the omission of expected or required action.” When we marry, we’re usually optimistic, “expecting” our marriage will last until the end of our lives. When it doesn’t, it’s easy to consider our marriage a failure.
How about divorce seen as a sign of failure? Now we’re getting somewhere. Divorce is often equated with failure, and we are taught we shouldn’t fail, particularly with our significant life choices.
The Oxford dictionary defines failure as “the omission of expected or required action.” When we marry, we’re usually optimistic, “expecting” our marriage will last until the end of our lives. When it doesn’t, it’s easy to consider our marriage a failure.
Removing our children from a toxic situation should not be cause for shame.
When there are offspring involved, there’s also the failure of providing them with an “intact” family. However, you know in your heart of hearts that staying in a bad marriage for the sake of children is often not the best for them. Removing them from a toxic relationship should not be cause for shame.
Since it takes two to make a marriage, it’s likely you’re not totally responsible for its ending. It does no good to beat yourself up for whatever you did or didn’t do. Learn from the past and strive to move forward. You are responsible for being the best you can be for your children’s sake. This includes keeping your relationship with your ex as civil and professional as possible. Remind yourself, a marriage which lasts forever, with one or both partners miserable, is not a successful one.
One more thing… We often learn more from our failures than our triumphs. If you’re anything like me, deciding to divorce took a lot of courage. And, although your marriage ended, good things (like your kids!) probably occurred while married. You haven’t failed completely. Your marriage likely had worth, and you can be grateful for the good you experienced and brought to it.
Rejection
There’s often an element of rejection in divorce. The desire to divorce is usually not shared equally between partners, and rejection stings! Self-doubt creeps in, followed by shame. According to Patrick Wanis, Ph.D., “If a person cheats on his/her spouse, the perceived rejection and betrayal can trigger feelings of humiliation when others learn about the betrayal, or it can lead to shame if the person who is being rejected blames him or herself and concludes ‘there is something wrong with me.’” "Why Rejection Hurts So Deeply – Heartache, Humiliation & Shame" Mar 23, 2016.
Since it takes two to make a marriage, it’s likely you’re not totally responsible for its ending. It does no good to beat yourself up for whatever you did or didn’t do. Learn from the past and strive to move forward. You are responsible for being the best you can be for your children’s sake. This includes keeping your relationship with your ex as civil and professional as possible. Remind yourself, a marriage which lasts forever, with one or both partners miserable, is not a successful one.
One more thing… We often learn more from our failures than our triumphs. If you’re anything like me, deciding to divorce took a lot of courage. And, although your marriage ended, good things (like your kids!) probably occurred while married. You haven’t failed completely. Your marriage likely had worth, and you can be grateful for the good you experienced and brought to it.
Rejection
There’s often an element of rejection in divorce. The desire to divorce is usually not shared equally between partners, and rejection stings! Self-doubt creeps in, followed by shame. According to Patrick Wanis, Ph.D., “If a person cheats on his/her spouse, the perceived rejection and betrayal can trigger feelings of humiliation when others learn about the betrayal, or it can lead to shame if the person who is being rejected blames him or herself and concludes ‘there is something wrong with me.’” "Why Rejection Hurts So Deeply – Heartache, Humiliation & Shame" Mar 23, 2016.
Believe him when he says, “It’s not you, it’s me."
The key here is to believe it when he says, “It’s not you, it’s me.” As much as you’d like to continue to be his one and only, he’s changed. He’s no longer the man he used to be, and that’s not your fault.
Divorce isn’t supported by your community of friends and family
Friends, family, perhaps even our children, can attempt to shame us when we fail to make our marriage last. We may be told we shouldn’t leave because we’d be throwing away all the time and energy we’ve invested in our marriage, as if we could somehow bank on such an investment.
Families may try shaming you for being the first to divorce, breaking their record of intact marriages and ruining their reputation in the community. If they truly loved you, they’d support you even though you broke their mold. Your family’s rejection can feel even worse than your spouse’s. Hang in there. When they eventually see how much happier you are forging a better life for you and your kids, they’ll likely come around. Besides, your happiness is the best revenge!
Divorce isn’t supported by your faith community
Being accused of turning your back on God and going against biblical principles when you choose to divorce can be devastating. I personally experienced this type of shame from my pre-divorce counselor, a pastor whose church I was interested in joining, and most upsetting of all, a conservative friend of my ex. This friend actually convinced me I should confess my sin to my ex, and ask forgiveness as well as reconciliation. Thanks to God, my ex rejected my request and I came to my senses.
Divorce isn’t supported by your community of friends and family
Friends, family, perhaps even our children, can attempt to shame us when we fail to make our marriage last. We may be told we shouldn’t leave because we’d be throwing away all the time and energy we’ve invested in our marriage, as if we could somehow bank on such an investment.
Families may try shaming you for being the first to divorce, breaking their record of intact marriages and ruining their reputation in the community. If they truly loved you, they’d support you even though you broke their mold. Your family’s rejection can feel even worse than your spouse’s. Hang in there. When they eventually see how much happier you are forging a better life for you and your kids, they’ll likely come around. Besides, your happiness is the best revenge!
Divorce isn’t supported by your faith community
Being accused of turning your back on God and going against biblical principles when you choose to divorce can be devastating. I personally experienced this type of shame from my pre-divorce counselor, a pastor whose church I was interested in joining, and most upsetting of all, a conservative friend of my ex. This friend actually convinced me I should confess my sin to my ex, and ask forgiveness as well as reconciliation. Thanks to God, my ex rejected my request and I came to my senses.
This mind set can cause years of toxic shame to victims who leave.
There are personal accounts on my blog by women who describe the shaming and shunning they received by their churches for deciding to divorce their abusive husbands. One of my posts “Domestic Abuse: How Churches Can Help instead of Hurt” describes a common problem in cases of divorce among parishioners: “Church leaders may even urge the abused to forgive and reconcile with their abusers, emphasizing a theology of suffering, and using Scripture to elevate the sanctity of the marriage covenant over the safety of the abused.” This mind set can cause years of toxic shame to victims who leave.
I'm sorry to end on such a negative note, but this post is too long all ready! Look for Part II, "What You Can Do About Divorce Shame."
Blessings,
Blessings,
Author
Linda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.
Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? Or encouraged? There are hurting people who would like to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com
He did you a favor by leaving. Those words may sound harsh, even bitter.
 | He left you … maybe your kids too … with a broken heart and a diminished bank account. How can you be thankful for such a situation? This may be a difficult concept to consider while you’re still hurting, but the truth is, you have the choice |
between wishing he hadn’t left and being okay that he’s no longer your husband. How is that possible?
Let me be clear, I’m not dismissing the loss of financial security you may have derived by staying in your marriage. He may have left you and your children destitute as well as reeling from the loss of love. Such treatment is horrible, and I’m so sorry. If you are both Christian, you may be sick at heart over his having left his faith too. But right now, let’s focus on you and ask the question:
Let me be clear, I’m not dismissing the loss of financial security you may have derived by staying in your marriage. He may have left you and your children destitute as well as reeling from the loss of love. Such treatment is horrible, and I’m so sorry. If you are both Christian, you may be sick at heart over his having left his faith too. But right now, let’s focus on you and ask the question:
Is the type of man who would leave, the right man for you?
None of us wants to feel rejected, even if the one who has rejected us isn’t good for us. In trying to undo the rejection, your ego may tell you to wish him back. Talk back to your ego! Tell it you need to get real and look at your situation differently so you can see the truth. Tell it you need to let go.
Ask yourself why you’d want this man … this kind of man … still yoked to you. Were you physically and emotionally safe with him? Have you been truly happy in your marriage? Has he changed over the years? Do you love him or do you love the kind of person he once was or you wished he was?
I ask these hard questions because for years I was the one who overlooked my husband’s hints he was not totally invested in our marriage. I dragged him to counseling several times without seeing permanent change. But I kept hoping he’d “see the light” and change as he promised. Your husband may have been more subtle, but I’m betting his decision to leave didn’t happen overnight, even if his sudden leaving took you by surprise.
Ask yourself why you’d want this man … this kind of man … still yoked to you. Were you physically and emotionally safe with him? Have you been truly happy in your marriage? Has he changed over the years? Do you love him or do you love the kind of person he once was or you wished he was?
I ask these hard questions because for years I was the one who overlooked my husband’s hints he was not totally invested in our marriage. I dragged him to counseling several times without seeing permanent change. But I kept hoping he’d “see the light” and change as he promised. Your husband may have been more subtle, but I’m betting his decision to leave didn’t happen overnight, even if his sudden leaving took you by surprise.
It's okay to express your anger.
If you asked, my ex would tell you I was the one who left. In a legal sense, it’s true, but he’d abandoned me emotionally long before our divorce. (Look for my upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce if you want the details.) And when he quickly remarried, he left me heartbroken as well as angry … angry with myself for investing so much time trying to make things better as well as angry with him. And yet, I had a hard time letting go.
You, too, may cycle through heartbreak and anger. A first step is to express your anger in healthy ways. Scream, pound your pillow, go to talk therapy … do whatever healthy things you can do to let it out and let it go. One thing that helped me was taking the shears to the overgrown rhododendron in my yard. “Take that!” Whack! Whack! “And that!” Whack! Whack!
He is who he is.
As the shock of my husband’s abandonment wore off, I began reading books, trying to make sense of what happened and working on forgiveness. Lewis B. Smedes stunned me with this observation: “[Forgiveness] cannot heal our narcissistic resentments toward people for not being all that we expect them to be — nobody can forgive people for being what they are.” (Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don’t Deserve, HarperOne, 2007) In other words, who are we to expect people to be any different than they truly are? Even God does not change a person’s will. My ex was who he was. He knew who I wanted him to be, and he chose not to be that kind of person.
My ego was stubborn and I didn't find it easy to fully understand this truth. It took me a while after the divorce to not wake up from dreams begging him to come back, and to truly believe I was better off without him. Sad for me, but as I learned to accept my reality, the more peace I found.
My ego was stubborn and I didn't find it easy to fully understand this truth. It took me a while after the divorce to not wake up from dreams begging him to come back, and to truly believe I was better off without him. Sad for me, but as I learned to accept my reality, the more peace I found.
Can you accept he isn’t the kind of man who is good for you?
If you had the chance to start over, knowing all you know about your ex now, would you choose to let him into your life? Can you accept he isn’t the kind of man who is good for you or will change for you?
Learning to live on my own after twenty-five years of marriage challenged and strengthened me. It unleashed multiple blessings in my life. I felt surrounded by both earthly and heavenly love. I even found a new passion in ballroom dancing.
Now that you’re free of your ex, you can open yourself up to more possibilities. His leaving has given you an opportunity to grow and learn and become emotionally stronger.
Learning to live on my own after twenty-five years of marriage challenged and strengthened me. It unleashed multiple blessings in my life. I felt surrounded by both earthly and heavenly love. I even found a new passion in ballroom dancing.
Now that you’re free of your ex, you can open yourself up to more possibilities. His leaving has given you an opportunity to grow and learn and become emotionally stronger.
Try this exercise.
Imagine, as I did, a friend offering to set you up with someone like your ex. It might go something like what I imagined in my journal entry if you substitute his worst qualities:
“I want to introduce you to someone I think you’re going to like. He’s a bit overweight, I hear he snores like crazy, spends all of his time at the computer, wants to be waited on, and is a picky eater, but he really is a nice guy. Maybe a little passive-aggressive too, but nice.”
“You’ve got to be kidding!” I’d say “I deserve so much better!”
I pray the Lord provides you with the resources you need to survive and flourish. I pray you wake up one day soon with a smile on your face, knowing you’re free of the hurt and anger of your divorce, knowing you deserve so much better, believing he did you a favor by leaving.
Wishing you every happiness,
“I want to introduce you to someone I think you’re going to like. He’s a bit overweight, I hear he snores like crazy, spends all of his time at the computer, wants to be waited on, and is a picky eater, but he really is a nice guy. Maybe a little passive-aggressive too, but nice.”
“You’ve got to be kidding!” I’d say “I deserve so much better!”
I pray the Lord provides you with the resources you need to survive and flourish. I pray you wake up one day soon with a smile on your face, knowing you’re free of the hurt and anger of your divorce, knowing you deserve so much better, believing he did you a favor by leaving.
Wishing you every happiness,
Author
Linda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.
Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? Or encouraged? There are hurting people who would like to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com
 Woman pleading with her husband | “I’m glad to see that you’re working on forgiving your ex,” my counselor told me. “This is an important step in freeing yourself from the trauma of living in a toxic relationship. But have you considered forgiving yourself?” |
I gasped. “What are you saying? I did the very best I could to keep our marriage together. In fact, I feel like a fool working so hard at it. It wasn’t until I discovered my husband’s affair that I finally gave up. I’m the victim here!”
My counselor smiled indulgently. “I know, Linda, but that’s my point. You tried so hard and it didn’t work. As you just said, you ended up feeling like a fool. I suspect you’re not just carrying anger toward your ex, but toward yourself as well. Let’s explore that.”
My counselor smiled indulgently. “I know, Linda, but that’s my point. You tried so hard and it didn’t work. As you just said, you ended up feeling like a fool. I suspect you’re not just carrying anger toward your ex, but toward yourself as well. Let’s explore that.”
Through my counselor’s guidance, I discovered he was right about my displaced anger.
- I was angry with myself for falsely believing my husband would see the logic of living an emotionally healthy life and would eventually choose that path.
- I was angry with myself for attempting to convince myself that my husband’s good qualities outweighed the bad.
- I was angry with myself for not listening to my inner voice telling me my husband’s behavior was not acceptable and should not be tolerated.
- I was angry with myself for believing I had the power to change my husband’s behavior.
- I was angry with myself for trusting my husband would never willingly choose to hurt me emotionally.
- I was angry with myself for hanging on too long to a marriage that clearly was never going to heal.
- I was angry with myself for not trusting God and myself that I would have been okay had I left my marriage earlier.
Forgiving myself for these false notions took some work.
I’m happy to report the results.
I’m happy to report the results.
- I’ve made mistakes, but I’m human and I did the best I knew how. That has to be okay.
- I had invested much in my relationship, including having a child with my husband. I am not a quitter, and giving up on my marriage seemed like throwing out much of that investment. I now realize that the good returns on that investment were not worth the cost. I was right to call an end to it.
- I learned I can’t fix other people, but I don’t blame myself for attempting to help someone I loved.
- A propensity to see the best in people is not a character flaw. It comes from a loving heart. However, I’ve grown wiser about relationships from this experience.
- Despite my fears, I ultimately overcame them, leaving even when I couldn’t predict my future.
- My marriage and divorce has taught me valuable lessons. I’m much more capable than I once believed. When fear invades my thinking, I remind myself I’ve overcome a great deal and am capable of continuing to do so.
- I’ve learned to trust my God-given instincts and to act upon them.
- I’ve become better at self-care and have learned to respect myself. To be blunt, I’m no longer disposed to put up with crap.
- My trust in God has deepened. The Lord has proven His faithfulness to me over and over.
The Bible tells us to put away all anger and bitterness. Freeing myself from self-recriminations has made a world of difference in being able to move forward and forge a new, happier life. If you’ve been carrying anger toward yourself, try making your own lists ... what things you're angry about, and how you choose to forgive yourself. I hope reading about my experience will help you move forward.
Wishing you every happiness,
Wishing you every happiness,
Author
Linda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.
Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? Or encouraged? There are hurting people who would like to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com
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12 Steps to a More Joyful Life after Divorce
30 Things to Do When You're Single
Forgiveness Self-Assessment
Resources for Healing from Spiritual Abuse
50 Divorce Recovery Books and Blogs
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Recommended Reading
Instone-Brewer, David. Divorce and Remarriage in the Church: Biblical Solutions for Pastoral Realities,
Divorce and Remarriage | Andrew Farley
Is Divorce the unforgivable sin? | Andrew Farley
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Unless otherwise noted, all contents © 2017 Linda M. Kurth. If you quote this blog, please cite and provide a link back. Thank you.
If you're interested in sharing your story of divorce and the response of other Christians, email Linda at Linda@LindaMKurth.com for guidelines.