Help and Healing for Divorced Christians
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Recovering from Divorce?
Get Linda’s 12 Steps for a More Joyful Life after Divorce.
 Recently, a teacher friend - a Christian - posted an account of one of her middle-grade students loudly proclaiming she was a horrible person because she had been divorced four times. This student was mistaken - she had been divorced twice - but I find his mistake irrelevant. We cannot know what was behind the student’s anger, but my question is, why did this young person choose the subject of divorce in his outburst? Isn’t the shame of divorce a thing of the past? From some of the messages I get from readers of this blog and from other readings, I get the sense that a significant number of conservative Christians continue to look on divorce as a morally wrong decision. To determine if my hunch was correct, I did a little Googling and a little calculation. The Good News “Very religious” Christians have typically been against divorce. But, according to a Gallup poll, with many states passing no-fault divorce laws in the 1970’s, a majority of this group now believe divorce is morally acceptable. For those of us who believe that God accepts divorce in a number of circumstances, and, in fact, allows the suffering spouse to be free of abuse and neglect, that’s great news! This does not answer my question, though, concerning the actual number who still believe divorce is morally wrong. Is it small enough for us to dismiss, believing there will always be a few who hold on to their belief about the evils of divorce? Why worry? And yet ... A poll in 2018 found that twenty percent of adult Americans believed that divorce was morally wrong. (https://www.statista.com/statistics/218524/americans-moral-stance-towards-divorce/) I believe that number has decreased somewhat since, but we can make some educated guesses. Working with those numbers, how many people represent that twenty percent? Forty million. Let that sink in. Forty million! I don’t know about you, but to me, that seems pretty significant. Sure, that number is shrinking, but in the meantime, this belief continues to trap a great many women and some men in marriages they don’t dare leave. What the Bible says Why is that, and where does that belief come from? One of the most often biblical verses used to support the “morally wrong” divorce stance is Jesus’ words in Matthew 19:9: “And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.” Church leaders have claimed that adultery by one’s spouse is the only reason for divorce. If the decision to divorce is for any other reason, it is an “unforgiveable sin.” Neither idea is supported by most serious Bible scholars. (The only unforgiveable sin is blaspheming the Holy Spirit. Matthew 12:31-32) Also, there are the words of the apostle Paul about marriage: “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church …” (Ephesians 5:22-23). Too many men have taken this to mean that they are the bosses of their wives, but they ignore the previous verse: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Paul was talking about mutual submission of husband and wife, but, again, this part has been ignored. Have you read that God hates divorce? Some translations of Malachi 2:17 say that, but newer translations have revised that verse. I’m quite sure God does not love divorce, but even He found it necessary to divorce Israel for her adulteries, which were not sexual. (Jeremiah 3:8) How these texts are used  Looking at these narrow interpretations of the Bible, we can begin to understand how unethical church leaders and husbands yearning for dominance can use these verses against women. This is called “spiritual abuse,” and here’s my definition of this type of behavior: “Keeping a person under control with misapplied biblical verses.” Another word for it is “brainwashing.” A wife, believing she must submit to her husband, is set up for abuse. Should she protest in some way, her husband, church elders, or a pastor, may harass and humiliate her, accusing her of sinning. These actions might very well cause psychological trauma, making her distrust her own instinct for justice or even survival. If she finds the strength to leave, she not only may lose her Christian community, her source of emotional and spiritual support, but may feel she has lost God. In a guest post on this blog (Deep Wounds Remain), the writer described how the church treated her when she went to the pastor for help dealing with her husband’s infidelity. “It was suggested I confess before the church for any part I might have had in leading to my husband’s wanderings. He wasn’t asked to acknowledge his wrong doings, and he didn’t volunteer … once counseling started, I was completely ostracized by the other women in the church.” Another guest posted (Liberation from the Patriarchal Church), “Over the years I realized the church betrayed me and our daughter. Its focus was on my staying in the marriage, being complicit in keeping order over myself and our child, and assuming blame for his behavior. A good woman could turn him around. After the divorce, within church walls or teachings, I gained no comfort. I was the woman who had a failed marriage. The status of my husband in this failure was of no matter. Anger and disappointment led me from institutional religion. I stay away to protect my heart, mind, and soul.” My Own Experience
Once I made the decision to leave, I received a three-page letter from a friend of my husband claiming my decision was “out of God’s will. I see you wanting to control [your husband] … he was your head. He is not accountable to you but to God. … I see you as an incredibly controlling person and it is time for you to fall on your face before the great Counselor Jesus. God can soften your stiff neck and heart of stone, but it will be His way or no way. … I recommend you find a church where there is strong male headship and no compromising of clear scripture.” And on it went. The third instance of being rejected for my choice to divorce was when I began searching for a new church. I’d attended one a few times and chatted with the pastor. Since I thought perhaps it would be a good fit for me, I had a more lengthy discussion with him. When I told him that I had divorced my husband, his demeanor changed. “Oh!” he exclaimed, “Since you were the one to decide to divorce, you could never be a full member of this church. I suggest you look into the church down the road where there is a large singles group.” You can imagine the hurt and anger I felt over my husband’s friend’s words. I wrote him back, telling him how much he had hurt me. (You can read about his response to that in my memoir.) And that although shocking, my counselor’s declaration helped me tap into what I truly knew about God. I knew He wept with me over the pain of my husband’s rejection, and He cared for me so much more than he cared about preserving my marriage. Once I understood that, I was able to brush off that pastor’s response about not being welcome in his church. I believed God would deal with him and the church in due time, and I found love and support in the church down the road. My hope is that the use of “divorce” as a dirty word will soon fade into the past and will cease to be an undeserved source of shame and judgment. Instead, the church will treat the divorced Christian with compassion, and I've written a comprehensive blog post on this subject: "Domestic Abuse and Faith: How Churches Can Help Instead of Hurt." In a videotaped interview sponsored by Village Books of Bellingham, Washington, I was recently asked what I would like churches to do for divorced people. “Love on them,” I replied. “Just love on them.” Blessings to you,  Resources used in this post: https://news.gallup.com/poll/213677/divorce-rate-dips-moral-acceptability-hits-new-high.aspx https://www.pewforum.org/2018/08/29/the-religious-typology/ https://www.statista.com/statistics/218524/americans-moral-stance-towards-divorce/ AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her new memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.  I welcome your comments and feedback.
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 I was surprised that they [Christian friends] would turn away from me in my time of need when I was feeling scared and needed support to move out. This message to me opened old wounds. It's been twenty years since I divorced my husband, and yet, I immediately felt this woman's pain. I'd had a similar unwelcome experience back then. Here's this readers' entire comment.
As I continue writing for divorced Christians, I sometimes ask myself why I'm spending so much energy trying to raise awareness about divorce issues in the Christian community. I've thought perhaps that by now the majority of Christians and their churches have finally realized that God does not condemn us to harmful circumstances like marriages that can't be repaired. Don't they know He wants what's best for us? That being abused is the opposite? My heart sank when I read this woman's words. I so wished I could hug her. I immediately thought, "What would Jesus do?" I believed I knew the answer: Jesus would hug her, and he'd tell her He understood, assuring her He was already walking beside her as she moved into an uncharted future. Those folks who call themselves Christians but turn their backs on hurting people, remind me of the Matthew 7: 9-11 (NIV) passage. "Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" Unfortunately, and obviously from my new friend's experience, we divorced Christians are still begging for grace and mercy. We are being given stones instead by certain segments of the Christian community. I've written several blog posts on this subject, the most comprehensive one is "My Perspective: What I Believe God Wants Us to Know About Christian Divorce." Having an intellectual understanding of this issue is helpful. However, I wanted my new friend to be comforted on a more personal emotional level. Here's what I felt the Lord wanted her to know: Dear Hurting Christian, If you are like my friend, and you've been hurt by your church and fellow Christians, I hope you'll come to understand they are not speaking for the Lord. I pray you seek out those who are mirror the Lord's love, and that you allow yourself to comforted by His care and provision. Blessings,  AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace. Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com I welcome your comments and feedback on this subject.
 Divorced Christians often find themselves ostracized by the very churches that once gave them love. That invisible "No Longer Welcome Sign" tears at the heart and leaves an already hurting person with deeper pain. Why do so many Christian churches shame and shun their own people? A false interpretation of the bible may be one reason. Sometimes there is also fear that the "divorce germ" may spread, influencing others to leave their spouses. Whatever the reason, the victims of this behavior often leave church, never to return. I've been in those shoes. One pastor told me straight out that since I'd been the one to choose divorce, I could never be a full participant in his church. "Why don't you go to the church down the road?" he suggested. I decided to "kick the dust off" of his church and follow his advice. Here's what I know about finding and loving the church where you belong: 1. Observe and ask questions Is the church a place where you will hear God's word? Does it adhere to Biblical principles? Is it a place where you will find encouragement? A chance to fellowship with other believers? A place where you can use your gifts and talents? What programs does the church offer? If your newly divorced, does it have a divorce care ministry? 2. Conduct interviews Conduct interviews with the pastor and/or church leaders in person or on the phone. Talk with members you know. Study any literature they have about the denomination. Look at their website. 3. Be wise Look for possible areas that would make you stumble: the position of women in the church, a personality cult around the pastor, the amount of authority the church exercises in its members' lives, etc. 4. Attend a membership class Continue to ask questions of, and become acquainted with, its leaders and members. Read Paul's letters to the Corinthians for specifics on what a church ought and ought not be. Also read Peter's warnings. II Peter 2:1-3 Did the "church down the road" meet my needs? Yes, for a time, mostly because it had a large singles ministry where I found my "tribe," and I liked the preaching. However, because I disagreed with it's position on women's role in the church, I did not join. Have you found yourself unwelcome in your church? Don't despair; keep looking. There's a fellowship out there that's going to nurture you with truth and Godly love. Blessings,  AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace. Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? Or encouraged? There are hurting people who would like to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com  Rick Snodgrass, Pastor CTK - Skagit While writing a few blog posts about domestic abuse of women within the global church, I began to wonder about my own church, a network of congregations called Christ the King. I approached our new pastor, Rick Snodgrass, concerning this issue. His eyes lit up. "My previous church had a wonderful program," he responded. "I'd love to describe it on you blog." Loving On Victims of Domestic Abuse |
| All too often pastors and parishioners encourage women to stay in an abusive marriage. The reality is, if a victim of spousal abuse who’s afraid for her or her children’s safety goes to church for help, rarely does the church have the necessary protocols in place. Church leaders may even urge the abused to forgive and reconcile with their abusers, emphasizing a theology of suffering, and using Scripture to elevate the sanctity of the marriage covenant over the safety of the abused. | Men may also be victims of domestic abuse: |
Simon Smart, Executive Director of the Centre for Public Christianity, referred to theologian Miroslav Volf’s observation in an article about how “Submit to your husbands” is misinterpreted. Volf calls the misinterpretation “thin religion ... stripped of its moral content and used as a weapon for goals completely unrelated to the faith.” This may be the case when pastors and male leaders in the church seek to retain control and keep women out of leadership.
Dr. Keyes suggested that women stay because of finances or their children and that they often do not see a way out. An article, #WhyIStayed: How Some Churches Support Spousal Abuse reveals other reasons.
Dr. Keyes suggested that women stay because of finances or their children and that they often do not see a way out. An article, #WhyIStayed: How Some Churches Support Spousal Abuse reveals other reasons.
- Spousal abuse may be considered a “family issue” and not a criminal offense. Reconciliation and forgiveness by the abused is often more convenient than facing the seriousness of the problem.
- Women are seen as inferior to men. Church leaders take Bible passages concerning the role of women out of context, falsely claiming women are to be silent and to submit to male authority.
- Churchgoers and victims themselves may have fears about being “bad Christian witnesses” to the congregation and the secular community if the abuse is revealed.
Today, more and more churches are realizing they’ve too often been enablers of domestic abusers.
What Happens When Churches Don’t Respond
Today, more and more churches are learning that their responses to abused parishioners have been wrong, pure and simple. They’re realizing they’ve too often been enablers of domestic abusers.
   | Emotional trauma to the victim. If a woman decides to leave her abusive spouse, she often leaves the church as well after discovering it does not support her decision to leave a dangerous relationship. This parting can be an additional source of trauma, because the church may have been an important part of her life. The result: the one place an abuse victim can go to for safety and support becomes a place of pain and shame — in other words, more abuse. Physical trauma to the victim. A woman who is pressured by the church to stay in an abusive marriage may very well suffer physical harm by staying. In fact, she could be in danger of losing her life at the hands of her abuser. A short video by Safe Havens, an interfaith partnership against domestic violence, gives contrasting real-life examples of the impact of different |
ways churches respond to domestic abuse victims. In one instance of a church encouraging the victim to return to her abuser, sadly, she died at the hands of her abuser.
The church could bring harm to itself.
Often a church isn’t aware of its legal obligations, let alone attuned to its responsibilities as an institution entrusted with the spiritual care of parishioners. Why is that? A church that chooses to turn its back on domestic abuse victims in hopes of protecting its image may in fact be harming itself. In the article, Why Domestic Violence in the Home Endangers Your Church, church security expert Carl Chinn says, “As Christians, we are dedicated to the preservation of the marriage, as we should be. But when there is abuse, or even the suspicion of it, we, as the church, often refuse to recognize it for the danger it is.” Chinn says this is a mistake with potentially grave consequences. Statistics show that, in 2016, eleven of the forty-seven murderous attacks at churches and ministries had the same cause: domestic violence.
Churches can also end up in legal trouble.
An article in Relevant magazine, This Is How Churches Should Respond to Abuse, explains that, “Each state has different mandatory reporting laws, but churches must engage local law enforcement who are trained and equipped to investigate [abuse] accusations. Elder boards acting like arm-chair investigators do far more harm than good.”
The article goes on to state that pastors can be “naïve and easily manipulated.” They are often recruited to speak on behalf of the abuser during legal proceedings. Rarely do they speak in support of the victim. We should ask what is wrong with this picture and how can we be change agents.
A Better Way
How can churches become places of safety and support for abuse victims? What could compel them and how would they begin? Following are steps I’ve gleaned from various sources that churches can take.
The church could bring harm to itself.
Often a church isn’t aware of its legal obligations, let alone attuned to its responsibilities as an institution entrusted with the spiritual care of parishioners. Why is that? A church that chooses to turn its back on domestic abuse victims in hopes of protecting its image may in fact be harming itself. In the article, Why Domestic Violence in the Home Endangers Your Church, church security expert Carl Chinn says, “As Christians, we are dedicated to the preservation of the marriage, as we should be. But when there is abuse, or even the suspicion of it, we, as the church, often refuse to recognize it for the danger it is.” Chinn says this is a mistake with potentially grave consequences. Statistics show that, in 2016, eleven of the forty-seven murderous attacks at churches and ministries had the same cause: domestic violence.
Churches can also end up in legal trouble.
An article in Relevant magazine, This Is How Churches Should Respond to Abuse, explains that, “Each state has different mandatory reporting laws, but churches must engage local law enforcement who are trained and equipped to investigate [abuse] accusations. Elder boards acting like arm-chair investigators do far more harm than good.”
The article goes on to state that pastors can be “naïve and easily manipulated.” They are often recruited to speak on behalf of the abuser during legal proceedings. Rarely do they speak in support of the victim. We should ask what is wrong with this picture and how can we be change agents.
A Better Way
How can churches become places of safety and support for abuse victims? What could compel them and how would they begin? Following are steps I’ve gleaned from various sources that churches can take.
Become informed and share that information
Understand what domestic abuse is, realizing victims of abuse are very possibly in the congregation. The church needs to be alert to the signs of domestic abuse and recognize its unique role in helping abused women who see the church as a safe place to come for help. Physical violence is often the most obvious abuse, but women also experience verbal, emotional, or sexual abuse by their husbands or partners.
Once church leaders have become informed, it’s important for them to educate the congregation on how they can support the abused. Begin with sermons on the subject. A study called I Believe You: Sexual Violence and the Church, by Sojourners found that, of pastors who responded to a survey, 65 percent had addressed domestic and sexual violence once or never in a sermon, 22 percent addressed it annually, 33 percent mentioned it “rarely,” and 10 percent had never taught on it. Change needs to happen from the pulpit to the pews.
Understand what domestic abuse is, realizing victims of abuse are very possibly in the congregation. The church needs to be alert to the signs of domestic abuse and recognize its unique role in helping abused women who see the church as a safe place to come for help. Physical violence is often the most obvious abuse, but women also experience verbal, emotional, or sexual abuse by their husbands or partners.
Once church leaders have become informed, it’s important for them to educate the congregation on how they can support the abused. Begin with sermons on the subject. A study called I Believe You: Sexual Violence and the Church, by Sojourners found that, of pastors who responded to a survey, 65 percent had addressed domestic and sexual violence once or never in a sermon, 22 percent addressed it annually, 33 percent mentioned it “rarely,” and 10 percent had never taught on it. Change needs to happen from the pulpit to the pews.
Many churches quick to teach submission are often slow to point out that women were also among the followers of Christ - Beth Moore
Other ideas for disseminating information include studies in the adult Sunday school curriculum on family violence and the prevention of violence, as well as Bible studies about women and their value. In a letter to her Christian brothers, author Beth Moore wrote, “I’m asking for your increased awareness of some of the skewed attitudes many of your sisters encounter. Many churches quick to teach submission are often slow to point out that women were also among the followers of Christ (Luke 8), that the first recorded word out of His resurrected mouth was ‘woman’ (John 20:15), and that same woman was the first evangelist.”
Validate
When a victim comes forward, it’s critical that church leaders’ first impulse is to listen and believe the victim’s feelings and listen to her story. In a Lifeway Research Survey of evangelistic protestant pastors titled Protestant Pastors’ Current Responses to Domestic Violence, about 50 percent said they would believe the victim, 68 percent said they would investigate whether domestic violence was really present, and 46 percent of mainline protestant pastors would investigate rather than fully support the victim.
“When a woman reports domestic violence and her report is discredited or dismissed,” says Penelope Hefner, principal and family law attorney at Sodoma Law Union in an article for domesticshelters.org, “it not only takes away from her pain, but it sends a message to the aggressor that the action is acceptable.”
Assess her level of safety
Churches can reduce trauma and even save lives by taking action to help abused women get to a safe place. They must remember an investigation of the abuser’s actions could prove fatal to the victim, if he feels threatened and takes his abuse to a higher level.
Partner with community services
It’s vital for churches to reach out to the community for support. The church and the community become stronger when they work together. The church should offer informed counseling or help the victim connect with other resources within the community. Community organizations will have access to government resources and training not available to the church.
Offer support and unconditional love
Connecting victims with support groups, prayer partners, and providing ongoing emotional and practical support are other important roles churches can play. Churches should prepare to offer support and guidance for years, not days or months, even if the victim is receiving professional counseling.
In conclusion
While many churches historically have fallen short of being places of refuge and active support to victims of domestic abuse, all churches need to develop the resources to help reverse this troubling crisis.
Coming up
Would you like to hear about the results of churches implementing policies to support victims of domestic abuse? So would I. I’ve already begun contacting those in the know, and will be reporting back to you, as well as providing a list of resources. If you know of an example of how a church has chosen to help, please let me know in the comments below. Stay tuned!
Blessings,
When a victim comes forward, it’s critical that church leaders’ first impulse is to listen and believe the victim’s feelings and listen to her story. In a Lifeway Research Survey of evangelistic protestant pastors titled Protestant Pastors’ Current Responses to Domestic Violence, about 50 percent said they would believe the victim, 68 percent said they would investigate whether domestic violence was really present, and 46 percent of mainline protestant pastors would investigate rather than fully support the victim.
“When a woman reports domestic violence and her report is discredited or dismissed,” says Penelope Hefner, principal and family law attorney at Sodoma Law Union in an article for domesticshelters.org, “it not only takes away from her pain, but it sends a message to the aggressor that the action is acceptable.”
Assess her level of safety
Churches can reduce trauma and even save lives by taking action to help abused women get to a safe place. They must remember an investigation of the abuser’s actions could prove fatal to the victim, if he feels threatened and takes his abuse to a higher level.
Partner with community services
It’s vital for churches to reach out to the community for support. The church and the community become stronger when they work together. The church should offer informed counseling or help the victim connect with other resources within the community. Community organizations will have access to government resources and training not available to the church.
Offer support and unconditional love
Connecting victims with support groups, prayer partners, and providing ongoing emotional and practical support are other important roles churches can play. Churches should prepare to offer support and guidance for years, not days or months, even if the victim is receiving professional counseling.
In conclusion
While many churches historically have fallen short of being places of refuge and active support to victims of domestic abuse, all churches need to develop the resources to help reverse this troubling crisis.
Coming up
Would you like to hear about the results of churches implementing policies to support victims of domestic abuse? So would I. I’ve already begun contacting those in the know, and will be reporting back to you, as well as providing a list of resources. If you know of an example of how a church has chosen to help, please let me know in the comments below. Stay tuned!
Blessings,
Author
Linda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.
Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? Or encouraged? There are hurting people who would like to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com
I’ve heard many stories (and featured some in my blog) of women abused by their churches. When I say abused, I’m referring to the emotional abuses of shaming, shunning, and slandering by pastors as well as physical abuse. In too many churches, women are blamed or disbelieved or disregarded when asking church leaders for protection from their abusive husbands. And if a woman calls attention to her husband’s abusive behavior, decides to divorce because of abuse, or calls out abusive leaders in the church, she may lose all emotional support, and, sometimes, even membership in her church, often leaving herself more vulnerable than ever to abuse.
These negative attitudes and practices toward women are not biblical.
The Apostle Paul declared, “You are all sons [people] of God through faith in Christ Jesus, for all you who were baptized in Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are one in Christ Jesus.” (Galatians 3:20-28)
James A. Borland1 gives three examples of Jesus’ attitude toward, and treatment of, women: 1) “Jesus regularly addressed women directly while in public. This was unusual for a man to do [in that day],” 2) “He spoke in a thoughtful, caring manner to women,”3) “He held women personally responsible for their own sin as seen in his dealings … Each had the personal freedom and a measure of self-determination to deal with the issues of sin, repentance, and forgiveness.”These negative attitudes and practices toward women are not biblical. The Apostle Paul declared, “You are all sons [people] of God through faith in Christ Jesus, for all you who were baptized in Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are one in Christ Jesus.” (Galatians 3:20-28)
James A. Borland1 gives three examples of Jesus’ attitude toward, and treatment of, women: 1) “Jesus regularly addressed women directly while in public. This was unusual for a man to do [in that day],” 2) “He spoke in a thoughtful, caring manner to women,”3) “He held women personally responsible for their own sin as seen in his dealings … Each had the personal freedom and a measure of self-determination to deal with the issues of sin, repentance, and forgiveness.”These negative attitudes and practices toward women are not biblical. The Apostle Paul declared, “You are all sons [people] of God through faith in Christ Jesus, for all you who were baptized in Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are one in Christ Jesus.” (Galatians 3:20-28)
Women were treated much like slaves in Jesus’ day.
Women stayed home and took care of domestic duties. But Jesus allowed women to travel with Him and the twelve disciples (Luke 8:1-3). Women were rarely even spoken to by men when they ventured outside the home. But as Beth Moore, American evangelist, author, and Bible teacher, wrote in a May 3rd, 2018 post, A Letter to My Brothers, 2 “Many churches quick to teach submission are often slow to point out that women were also among the followers of Christ (Luke 8), that the first recorded word out of His resurrected mouth was 'woman' (John 20:15), and that same woman was the first evangelist." Moore continued, “I’m asking for your deliberate and clearly conveyed influence toward the imitation of Christ in His attitude and actions toward women."
Recognizing the disparity between Jesus’ teaching about women, and the treatment of women in many churches today, we need to be asking for the same consideration Beth Moore has asked for.
Recently, a friend, Lizbeth Meredith (see her recent guest post), sent me hope of this happening in a description of an interfaith prayer vigil for victims of domestic violence in Kodiak, Alaska. The vigil is a beautiful example of a group of churches making a concerted effort in supporting women in abusive situations, as they believe Christ would have them do.
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Sponsored by the Kodiak Women’s Resource and Crisis Center (KWRCC), the vigil is held every October. “It’s a time when the different faith communities get together. We read the names of every domestic violence homicide victim in our young state’s history. The spiritual leaders make sure their various congregations understand that they are resources for victims of abuse. There is no shame or blame for the victims. It’s a powerful experience,” Lizbeth wrote.
She graciously put me in touch with Beth Davis, Outreach Coordinator and Faith Advocate at KWRCC. “I advocate for clients who are victims of domestic abuse and sexual assault,” Beth told me in a phone call. “Our mission is to help women develop inner strength and achieve their fullest potential. We are dedicated to the prevention and elimination of Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault by providing education and promoting community awareness.”
KWRCC provides resources and crisis services to the community, as well as a shelter for women and their children who are victims of domestic violence and sexual assault. They support a 24-hour crisis line, give the women a space to heal with support groups and classes, and help them access other community services.
As part of her work, Beth offers resource information to twenty nine churches plus smaller groups that are a part of the active faith community. She explained that, because Kodiak is a small island, “Everybody knows everybody,” which allows for close communication and cooperation among the churches.
As part of her work, Beth offers resource information to twenty nine churches plus smaller groups that are a part of the active faith community. She explained that, because Kodiak is a small island, “Everybody knows everybody,” which allows for close communication and cooperation among the churches.
“Everybody knows everybody,” which allows for close communication and cooperation among the churches.
I asked Beth to tell me more about the vigil. “The prayer vigil is only about an hour long and includes several scripture readings, prayers, songs and hymns, and a message on what domestic violence is and is not. In the three years I’ve been here as Outreach Coordinator, I’ve tried to involve every major denomination as well as people and organizations that encounter victims of domestic abuse and sexual assault. That includes state troopers, the Kodiak police department, law offices, the hospital chaplain, mental health providers, local business people … everybody and every agency we work with in supporting domestic violence and sexual assault victims.
| “Beyond the prayer vigil, I wanted to find more resources for helping the churches be a safe place [for victims of domestic violence],” she continued. “I discovered Safe Havens, an interfaith organization, with headquarters in Boston, MA, that promotes hope and justice for victims and survivors of domestic violence and elder abuse, and asked them if they would come to Kodiak to do some training.” | I wanted to find more resources for helping the churches be a safe place [for victims of domestic violence]. |
The four-day training, which occurred three years ago, included people from “all kinds of spiritual directions,” and covered domestic violence, sexual assault, and elder abuse, all within the faith perspective. Twelve churches were represented, with pastors, co-pastors and other church leaders attending. “People experiencing abuse don’t always go to their busy pastors,” Beth noted. “They may go to others in the church who are more available and with whom they feel safe. But it’s important to hear from the pulpit that their pastors are advocates.”
“We talk about psychological, spiritual, physical, emotional, and financial abuse … everything."
I asked Beth what subtopics are covered in “domestic violence.”
“We talk about psychological, spiritual, physical, emotional, and financial abuse … everything.
“Part of our contract with Safe Havens was to bring a couple of people in the faith community [to Boston] for more training a year later. I was able to bring a Catholic priest and a Russian Orthodox deacon who is also a teacher at the local Russian Orthodox seminary.”
“We talk about psychological, spiritual, physical, emotional, and financial abuse … everything.
“Part of our contract with Safe Havens was to bring a couple of people in the faith community [to Boston] for more training a year later. I was able to bring a Catholic priest and a Russian Orthodox deacon who is also a teacher at the local Russian Orthodox seminary.”
“On the surface, most of us can agree that abuse is not good.”
“On the surface, most of us can agree that abuse is not good,” Beth said. “But, both the abused and the abusers are sitting in the pews. We need to be painting a picture in our churches of what healthy relationships look like. God has told us a lot about honoring and respecting one another. The Word teaches us how to relate, the Spirit brings conviction when needed, and we are called to walk humbly and compassionately with each other.”
To sum up, here are the main actions these churches have taken to support abused women:
1, Borland, James, Jesus's Countercultural View of Women, https://www.crossway.org/articles/how-jesus-viewed-and-valued-women/
2. Moore, Beth, A Letter to My Brothers, https://blog.lproof.org/2018/05/a-letter-to-my-brothers.html
To sum up, here are the main actions these churches have taken to support abused women:
- They’ve made focusing on the problem of abuse a priority.
- By participating in an annual event, they keep a focus on the problem.
- They openly acknowledge and grieve the loss of victims of abuse.
- They’re willing to invest time and resources in training.
- They recognize that they are stronger and more effective when they come together to work on this problem.
1, Borland, James, Jesus's Countercultural View of Women, https://www.crossway.org/articles/how-jesus-viewed-and-valued-women/
2. Moore, Beth, A Letter to My Brothers, https://blog.lproof.org/2018/05/a-letter-to-my-brothers.html
Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? Or encouraged? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com
Photo by Sydney Sims on Unsplash Lizbeth Meredith, author of award-winning memoir, Pieces of Me: Rescuing My Kidnapped Daughters is my guest blogger this week. I was captivated by Lizbeth's story. With it's real-life dramatic twists and turns, it kept me reading. But what has remained with me is her account of overcoming the abuse she experienced at the hands of her husband. And I wanted to know more about the response of her church during that time, and what her faith looks like today.
Abused, Ignored, and Finally Restored
by Lizbeth Meredith
by Lizbeth Meredith
I gave less attention to selecting a husband than I did adopting a kitten.
Back in 1985, nearing 21, I was feeling incredibly small, vulnerable, and in need of rescuing. I’d left my volatile family of origin for college at 17. Neither of my parents finished high school, yet I’d set my sights on college. I moved to Washington and made wonderful friends. But scholastically, I belly-flopped.
So, I returned to Alaska a collegiate failure and got a job as a maid. I leap when an older man from what seemed like an exotic country (Greece) paid me some attention. I was saved.
This man appeared to love everything about me, wanted to be with me constantly, and let me know that he saw everything that came between us -- my friends, my job, my interests -- as a waste of time. Ninety days after first meeting, we married.
Back in 1985, nearing 21, I was feeling incredibly small, vulnerable, and in need of rescuing. I’d left my volatile family of origin for college at 17. Neither of my parents finished high school, yet I’d set my sights on college. I moved to Washington and made wonderful friends. But scholastically, I belly-flopped.
So, I returned to Alaska a collegiate failure and got a job as a maid. I leap when an older man from what seemed like an exotic country (Greece) paid me some attention. I was saved.
This man appeared to love everything about me, wanted to be with me constantly, and let me know that he saw everything that came between us -- my friends, my job, my interests -- as a waste of time. Ninety days after first meeting, we married.
That love and attention ended just as quickly.
It was my idea to leave the charismatic church I’d attended to convert to the Greek Orthodox faith. I wanted my marriage to work. I was happy to learn about my husband’s culture. His language. His family. I ditched my last name for his, erasing my identity for his.
The Greek Orthodox Church soon became one of the few places I could go and not raise my husband’s ire.
Back in the late 80’s, no one talked about abuse in marriage or domestic violence. We didn’t have the words to name it. It had only recently become illegal for an American man to strike his wife.
The Greek Orthodox Church soon became one of the few places I could go and not raise my husband’s ire.
Back in the late 80’s, no one talked about abuse in marriage or domestic violence. We didn’t have the words to name it. It had only recently become illegal for an American man to strike his wife.
I never meant to minimize what was happening in my marriage.
I just didn’t want to run my husband’s reputation in to the ground so that he’d not be welcome in church again. So instead I hinted at what was going on. “My husband didn’t come home for a week.” (Translation: The kids and I are out of food, and I have no access to money or transportation.)
“My husband doesn’t like me to talk about our relationship.” (Translation: My husband doesn’t want people to know how he’s treating me.)
“I’m feeling hopeless and afraid in my marriage. (Translation: My husband has threatened to kill me if I try to leave him, or otherwise take the children and disappear.)
Perhaps it shouldn’t have surprised me when parishioners said things like “You’ve made your bed. You have to lie in it,” or “You don’t want your kids to have a broken home.”
I felt I was being held accountable for my husband’s conduct.
“My husband doesn’t like me to talk about our relationship.” (Translation: My husband doesn’t want people to know how he’s treating me.)
“I’m feeling hopeless and afraid in my marriage. (Translation: My husband has threatened to kill me if I try to leave him, or otherwise take the children and disappear.)
Perhaps it shouldn’t have surprised me when parishioners said things like “You’ve made your bed. You have to lie in it,” or “You don’t want your kids to have a broken home.”
I felt I was being held accountable for my husband’s conduct.
Fast forward four and a half years from our wedding day. I was jobless. Hopeless. Then on the floor, near- lifeless. My two-year-old daughter screaming as her father did his best to strangle me.
Later, reactions from parishioners were mixed. “Why don’t you forgive and forget? ”Maybe you’re not giving as much to the marriage as you should.” Yet a brave priest reached out and urged me to get an annulment. “This was not your fault. An annulment would allow you to marry again in the Orthodox Church.”
I did not get an annulment. Nor did I remarry in the Orthodox Church, or anywhere else, for that matter. I remained wary of investing in a church home again. My trust in God remained, but so did a lasting distrust of all that man-made religions sought to control.
What I did do was get a lot of counseling, for me and for my kids. I got a divorce. I got a degree, and then another. And I got a fabulous job as a domestic violence advocate and later found work as a probation officer, where on a good day, I tell both staff, victims, and offenders about the dynamics of domestic violence and the long-term impact growing up in it has on our mental, physical, and even financial health.
I remind young people that when making a decision with lifelong consequences such as picking a partner, it merits plenty of time and attention.
Last October, I was honored to attend Kodiak, Alaska’s annual interfaith community prayer service for victims of domestic violence, hosted in part by Kodiak Women’s Resource and Crisis Center. For over twenty years, Kodiak’s spiritual leaders set their differences aside and join in a community-wide ceremony to honor the slain victims of domestic violence. There, they remind the community, that (paraphrased):
We understand the prevalence of intimate partner violence and its crushing impact. We understand that this (faith) community does not have all the answers, and we refer you to the local shelter for information and support. We understand the secrecy and isolation surrounding domestic violence and invite you to talk about it with us in confidence.
You are safe here.
You are not judged.
You are not alone.
The impact a faith community has in addressing (or not addressing) domestic violence is powerful. If more spiritual leaders offered themselves as a support and as a referral source, victims could safely address their safety issues and remain in their faith families.
For myself, I ended up with an abiding faith and an ever-growing skepticism of how people organize religion to suit their own needs and promote a power structure rather than please God. And my personal belief from the experience is that a loving God does not want to exclude anyone.
Lizbeth Meredith is the author of award-winning memoir Pieces of Me: Rescuing My Kidnapped Daughters. Pieces of Me was released as audiobook in 2018.
Lizbeth lives in Anchorage, Alaska, close to her two grown daughters. She is a member and infrequent attender of a Methodist Church that welcomes women and humans of every gender, race, and orientation as children of God. Recently, Lizbeth spent many weeks agonizing over which kittens to adopt.
You may reach Lizbeth at lameredith.com or on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/lizbethmeredithfan or on Twitter@ LizbethMeredith.
Lizbeth lives in Anchorage, Alaska, close to her two grown daughters. She is a member and infrequent attender of a Methodist Church that welcomes women and humans of every gender, race, and orientation as children of God. Recently, Lizbeth spent many weeks agonizing over which kittens to adopt.
You may reach Lizbeth at lameredith.com or on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/lizbethmeredithfan or on Twitter@ LizbethMeredith.
Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? Or supported? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com
Photo by Fredrick Suwandi on Unsplash You've made the difficult decision to divorce, and you're in shock, trying to navigate your new reality. You'd welcome a little compassion from your church body. But perhaps your experience is like that of too many Christians ... you receive obvious signals you're now considered an outlier. My good friend, Betsy Diedrick, explores this issue in her guest post, Misfit.
Misfit
There was no happily ever after for you. Just a shattering. The marriage, the hopes for your future together. Two hearts that had become one, now ripped apart, bleeding. Left behind, only raw emotions, rejection, a sense of failure or guilt, financial consequences, and the kids … let’s not even go there.
So we turn to God for the solace He promises. And in His arms, He tenderly cradles us through the worst of it, leading us into His Psalms, where we gain just enough buoyancy to come up for a gulp of air. Giving us just enough confidence to venture back into His house for the comfort and encouragement we so desperately seek. Into the arms of … the polite smiles on the stiffened bodies we attempt to hug. Or worse, the cold shoulders we bump into. Because, after all, you did know that infidelity was the only reason for divorce, didn’t you?
So we turn to God for the solace He promises. And in His arms, He tenderly cradles us through the worst of it, leading us into His Psalms, where we gain just enough buoyancy to come up for a gulp of air. Giving us just enough confidence to venture back into His house for the comfort and encouragement we so desperately seek. Into the arms of … the polite smiles on the stiffened bodies we attempt to hug. Or worse, the cold shoulders we bump into. Because, after all, you did know that infidelity was the only reason for divorce, didn’t you?
So why do you now feel so awkward or unwanted in your Christian house
of worship that had once fit so snugly?
of worship that had once fit so snugly?
Something has changed. Subtly, or strikingly. The degree to which, will affect your emotions and healing. You have felt their collective verdict … guilty, guilty, guilty! Guilty on all counts of upsetting the status quo, of breaking the unspoken rules. You are different now, you don’t fit the mold of a “Christian couple.” It’s no longer two by two wandering up the plank to board the arc. Just you flying solo as you approach the threshold. As you are about to board the vessel you are quoted an appropriate Bible verse, and the door slides shut in your face. You gape in disbelief from the outside, when the first drop of rain hits your nose. At least, that’s how it feels.
The previous wounds of your divorce now have more pain heaped upon them. This new rejection is magnified because, for crying out loud, these are your people, God’s followers who were supposed to come to your aid and support. And they’ve failed you miserably.
The previous wounds of your divorce now have more pain heaped upon them. This new rejection is magnified because, for crying out loud, these are your people, God’s followers who were supposed to come to your aid and support. And they’ve failed you miserably.
Why? Why would they ever do that?
That answer simply, is because they can’t help themselves. Some only know self-righteousness; they are quick to judge and brilliant with just the right Bible verse to realign your behavior smack dab back into Godly thinking. Ouch! Some, you make uncomfortable. Everything felt safe and secure in church until you changed the balance. What was once stable is now rocking, especially if their marriages might be a little shaky, because let’s face it, at some point we are all vulnerable.
Wives’ radar immediately defaults to high alert for divorced females. Group-think bonds them together, keeping you at bay. Add a dash of fear and uncertainty. Could their marriage be next? Or is it that character trait of yours that has caused your downfall, the one that needs to be jerked up on the choke chain. A little dose of ostracization might help you to confess and repent.
Oh my! Sad isn’t it? Judge, jury, and executioner. And all you were looking for was some acceptance and support from the people in God’s house who had once seemed so compassionate.
Wives’ radar immediately defaults to high alert for divorced females. Group-think bonds them together, keeping you at bay. Add a dash of fear and uncertainty. Could their marriage be next? Or is it that character trait of yours that has caused your downfall, the one that needs to be jerked up on the choke chain. A little dose of ostracization might help you to confess and repent.
Oh my! Sad isn’t it? Judge, jury, and executioner. And all you were looking for was some acceptance and support from the people in God’s house who had once seemed so compassionate.
Here is the lesson meant for you:
If those who have hurt you truly have a heart for God, their time will come. Be assured that He is observing and will teach them their own lessons He wants them to learn, in His timing. Unfortunately for them, His trials, as you well know, can be painful.
Nothing happens to you that God has not already filtered through His fingers. He is using your current suffering to purify you, to help you stretch and strengthen, so that one day this experience will enable you to help others in their walk. Although exceedingly painful, He is growing you, teardrop by teardrop, to be more like Him, filling your soul with compassion, and understanding, and love for others. All the things you sought but could not find in His house, because the people there have not yet suffered as you have. They cannot understand, because they may not have reached spiritual maturity.
You are different from them now. They feel it. But not different in a bad way, which is the only way they can interpret what they see in your situation. You are different in a beautiful way, because the intensity of your suffering is purifying your soul. And when you are able to heal a little more, and let your guard down just a little, you will begin to see this.
You are different from them now. They feel it. But not different in a bad way, which is the only way they can interpret what they see in your situation. You are different in a beautiful way, because the intensity of your suffering is purifying your soul. And when you are able to heal a little more, and let your guard down just a little, you will begin to see this.
You will know it’s there when you have stopped judging and feel empathy for those in your same situation, or any plight.
As horrible as this experience has been, the divorce, your painful recovery, any ostracism you have endured, it really is a gift. You see, had you gone along in your day-to-day life, you wouldn’t have needed God as much. And when you don’t need Him, even though you can be grateful, it’s hard to grow.
Remember how He wants us to no longer be babes merely drinking milk. You were just served up a seven-course meal. It’s just going to take a little time to digest. A little more time to forgive all those who have hurt you. But after you have transitioned through this, I promise, you will look back and say, “I am different, but not defective. Through my suffering I have become even more beautiful in the eyes of God.”
And really, what else ultimately matters?
Remember how He wants us to no longer be babes merely drinking milk. You were just served up a seven-course meal. It’s just going to take a little time to digest. A little more time to forgive all those who have hurt you. But after you have transitioned through this, I promise, you will look back and say, “I am different, but not defective. Through my suffering I have become even more beautiful in the eyes of God.”
And really, what else ultimately matters?
Author
Betsy Diedrick is a professional writer living in Arlington, WA. A child of God, she writes on topics close to her heart. You can contact her at Betsydiedrick@gmail.com or find out more about her on her website: www.betsydiedrick.com .
Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com
The parallel between the abuse of women by men in power in the secular world and the abuse of women by men in power in the Christian world is no coincidence. In a previous blog post, I used as examples Harvey Weinstein, disgraced film producer, who prompted the #MeToo movement, and Paige Patterson, disgraced ex-president of Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary whose behavior prompted the #ChurchToo movement.
The correlation is no accident!
I’ve explored how traditional translations of the bible were heavily influenced by society’s view of the roles of women and men. The sad truth is that the teachings of Jesus and the apostle Paul concerning women, and other low-status peoples, have been skewed by these translations to mean quite the opposite … women as second class citizens who are not due equal respect and benefits. Biblical verses have been used for generations to back up this view.
Women were considered by society, including many Christians, to be at the service of men.
From the beginning, Eve desired her husband, Adam, and he ruled over her. The apostle Paul is quoted as saying, “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.” Both have been used through the ages to support the notion of men’s superiority and have become examples of biblical patriarchy.
You might wonder how divorce fits into this dynamic.
Traditionally, and in many conservative churches today, divorce has been considered an unpardonable sin. I won’t get into verses about divorce here. Suffice it to say that traditional translations can be, and often are, interpreted as divorce being forbidden except in the case of adultery by the offending spouse. Some conservatives even find that an insufficient reason to divorce.
There was no attempt by these leaders to look further into biblical meaning and context of these verses. Why would they? If women were allowed to have an equal status in the church and in their marriages, male power would be threatened. Church leaders claimed the right to treat women in just about any way they chose. Following the example of church leaders, husbands were also given free rein to “lord it over” their wives.
It seems clear to me that disallowing “divorce” from spiritually abusive churches, and actual divorce from physically and emotionally abusive marriages, kept the patriarchal church functioning. Once women would be free, as equal human beings to leave the abuse, the traditional church would come tumbling down. Traditional marriages would change, too. We see that dynamic happening today.
The question, now, is what can we learn from the Jesus' teachings to form spiritually healthy churches and marriages. Stay tuned.
Blessings,
There was no attempt by these leaders to look further into biblical meaning and context of these verses. Why would they? If women were allowed to have an equal status in the church and in their marriages, male power would be threatened. Church leaders claimed the right to treat women in just about any way they chose. Following the example of church leaders, husbands were also given free rein to “lord it over” their wives.
It seems clear to me that disallowing “divorce” from spiritually abusive churches, and actual divorce from physically and emotionally abusive marriages, kept the patriarchal church functioning. Once women would be free, as equal human beings to leave the abuse, the traditional church would come tumbling down. Traditional marriages would change, too. We see that dynamic happening today.
The question, now, is what can we learn from the Jesus' teachings to form spiritually healthy churches and marriages. Stay tuned.
Blessings,
Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com
Author
Linda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.
An interview with Pastor Cliff Tadema, Christ the King - Skagit.
Second in a two-part series.
Linda: Pastor Cliff, in the previous post, you said, spiritual abuse is consistently using a position of authority to impose something on somebody or to exert control over them through misapplying scripture. Church hurt doesn’t necessarily involve biblical interpretation and may be only a one-time event.
We discussed the following steps you laid out for dealing with church hurt.
Four Steps for Dealing with Church Hurt:
1. Live a Self-Examined Life.
2. Handle The Offenses Correctly.
3. Persist In Offering Grace.
4. Fix Your Eyes On Jesus.
This blog has some examples of Christians being hurt by the church. I have summarized three of them here. Perhaps you can use their experiences to describe how the steps you outlined might play out.
Second in a two-part series.
Linda: Pastor Cliff, in the previous post, you said, spiritual abuse is consistently using a position of authority to impose something on somebody or to exert control over them through misapplying scripture. Church hurt doesn’t necessarily involve biblical interpretation and may be only a one-time event.
We discussed the following steps you laid out for dealing with church hurt.
Four Steps for Dealing with Church Hurt:
1. Live a Self-Examined Life.
2. Handle The Offenses Correctly.
3. Persist In Offering Grace.
4. Fix Your Eyes On Jesus.
This blog has some examples of Christians being hurt by the church. I have summarized three of them here. Perhaps you can use their experiences to describe how the steps you outlined might play out.
Linda: If she had come to you and told you of her experience with her priest, would you have advised her to follow all four steps for dealing with church hurt, or is there another process you would recommend in this situation?
Pastor Cliff: I wouldn’t advise her to go through the four steps. I wouldn’t want to make law out of that process. I would advise her to go to a Christian counselor or other pastor. I would say an alcoholic husband who is abusing his wife has broken his marriage vows.
Pastor Cliff: I wouldn’t advise her to go through the four steps. I wouldn’t want to make law out of that process. I would advise her to go to a Christian counselor or other pastor. I would say an alcoholic husband who is abusing his wife has broken his marriage vows.
Linda: If she had come to you and told you of her experience within that church, would you have advised her to follow all four steps for dealing with church hurt, or is there another process you would recommend in this situation?
Pastor Cliff: What you are describing is "Man's Church." [Man’s church is all about what it looks like and what you do to look right. It’s about conformity. Man’s church uses fear as a calling card.] There’s no biblical basis for what she experienced. That church is making its own laws. They’re as bad as the Pharisees. They’re doing it so they can feel good about themselves. She was right to leave. I’m sorry she didn’t find another family of believers that she could be a part of, because we are designed to be in a grace-filled community.
Pastor Cliff: What you are describing is "Man's Church." [Man’s church is all about what it looks like and what you do to look right. It’s about conformity. Man’s church uses fear as a calling card.] There’s no biblical basis for what she experienced. That church is making its own laws. They’re as bad as the Pharisees. They’re doing it so they can feel good about themselves. She was right to leave. I’m sorry she didn’t find another family of believers that she could be a part of, because we are designed to be in a grace-filled community.
Linda: If she had come to you and told you of her experience within her church, would you have advised her to follow all four steps for dealing with church hurt, or is there another process you would recommend in this situation?
Pastor Cliff: Biblical submissiveness never means you should be a doormat. Mutual submission is designed for the guy to look out for his wife. I would tell this woman to immediately separate to protect herself and her daughter. Her husband has abandoned his vow to be the kind of man he’s supposed to be for his family. Is he willing to address his problem? Will he ask for forgiveness, change his life style, and be accountable? That would be the only reason to continue with the marriage.
If the pastors of these man-based churches are going to use the passages in the bible about submission, they should not forget 1 Peter 3:7-9. Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker [physically] partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers. Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate, and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessings, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.
Linda: So if husbands mistreat their wives, they miss out on being blessed!
Pastor Cliff: That's right.
Pastor Cliff: Biblical submissiveness never means you should be a doormat. Mutual submission is designed for the guy to look out for his wife. I would tell this woman to immediately separate to protect herself and her daughter. Her husband has abandoned his vow to be the kind of man he’s supposed to be for his family. Is he willing to address his problem? Will he ask for forgiveness, change his life style, and be accountable? That would be the only reason to continue with the marriage.
If the pastors of these man-based churches are going to use the passages in the bible about submission, they should not forget 1 Peter 3:7-9. Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker [physically] partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers. Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate, and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessings, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.
Linda: So if husbands mistreat their wives, they miss out on being blessed!
Pastor Cliff: That's right.
About grace.
Linda: You talk a lot about grace, so let’s conclude with that subject.
Cliff: Grace requires a willingness to let go of control. It’s a very difficult way for a church to go. Sometimes church hurt happens inadvertently. But even if it’s spiritual abuse, who’s the judge? We have to trust the Holy Spirit. One thing is clear: no one has to submit to abuse within their marriage or in their church.
Dear Reader, if you've found this interview interesting, I hope you'll note that in the comment section below. I'd love to dialog with you about this issue.
Blessings,
Cliff: Grace requires a willingness to let go of control. It’s a very difficult way for a church to go. Sometimes church hurt happens inadvertently. But even if it’s spiritual abuse, who’s the judge? We have to trust the Holy Spirit. One thing is clear: no one has to submit to abuse within their marriage or in their church.
Dear Reader, if you've found this interview interesting, I hope you'll note that in the comment section below. I'd love to dialog with you about this issue.
Blessings,
Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com
Author
Linda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issue. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.
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12 Steps to a More Joyful Life after Divorce
30 Things to Do When You're Single
Forgiveness Self-Assessment
Resources for Healing from Spiritual Abuse
50 Divorce Recovery Books and Blogs
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Recommended Reading
Instone-Brewer, David. Divorce and Remarriage in the Church: Biblical Solutions for Pastoral Realities,
Divorce and Remarriage | Andrew Farley
Is Divorce the unforgivable sin? | Andrew Farley
Quoting and Linking
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