It wasn’t until I went to my fifth or sixth counselor that I learned my husband was a “crazymaker” and what that meant. In my just-published memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce: A Transformative Journey Through Emotional and Spiritual Abuse, I include a scene with that counselor. “Confusion and shame is exactly what crazymakers want their victims to feel. All these things you’ve told me about Jim—saying one thing and then later, the opposite without acknowledging the difference, his lack of empathy for your physical and emotional state, trying to make you seem the bad one in the relationship, encouraging you to doubt your feelings—they convince me he’s a crazymaker,” she told me. My counselor warned me that crazymakers are not likely to change. I didn't have the tools to try to effect that change, and, after twenty-five years, I finally left. It wasn’t until I began writing my memoir that I understood the extent of my husband’s crazymaking.  Here are eight of several types of crazymaking behavior Crazymakers will--
These are but a few of the techniques crazymakers use to gain control over their close relations. Please note that my references here are all about men, but women can be crazymakers, too. If you suspect you are dealing with a crazymaker, I suggest you get counseling with a professional who understands this personality type. As for my question, did my husband love me? You'll have to read the memoir. Blessings,  Resources: Psychology Today’s article, “How to Handle a Crazymaker,” explains crazymaking and offers suggestions for dealing with this personality type. David Hawkins’ book, Dealing with the Crazymakers in Your Life, is also helpful. AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her new memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.  I welcome your comments and feedback.
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 I was surprised that they [Christian friends] would turn away from me in my time of need when I was feeling scared and needed support to move out. This message to me opened old wounds. It's been twenty years since I divorced my husband, and yet, I immediately felt this woman's pain. I'd had a similar unwelcome experience back then. Here's this readers' entire comment.
As I continue writing for divorced Christians, I sometimes ask myself why I'm spending so much energy trying to raise awareness about divorce issues in the Christian community. I've thought perhaps that by now the majority of Christians and their churches have finally realized that God does not condemn us to harmful circumstances like marriages that can't be repaired. Don't they know He wants what's best for us? That being abused is the opposite? My heart sank when I read this woman's words. I so wished I could hug her. I immediately thought, "What would Jesus do?" I believed I knew the answer: Jesus would hug her, and he'd tell her He understood, assuring her He was already walking beside her as she moved into an uncharted future. Those folks who call themselves Christians but turn their backs on hurting people, remind me of the Matthew 7: 9-11 (NIV) passage. "Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" Unfortunately, and obviously from my new friend's experience, we divorced Christians are still begging for grace and mercy. We are being given stones instead by certain segments of the Christian community. I've written several blog posts on this subject, the most comprehensive one is "My Perspective: What I Believe God Wants Us to Know About Christian Divorce." Having an intellectual understanding of this issue is helpful. However, I wanted my new friend to be comforted on a more personal emotional level. Here's what I felt the Lord wanted her to know: Dear Hurting Christian, If you are like my friend, and you've been hurt by your church and fellow Christians, I hope you'll come to understand they are not speaking for the Lord. I pray you seek out those who are mirror the Lord's love, and that you allow yourself to comforted by His care and provision. Blessings,  AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace. Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com I welcome your comments and feedback on this subject.
Lizbeth has had extensive experience with this subject, being an abuse victim herself, and then working with the abused and their families. The following paragraphs are an excerpt from her video course, How to Help When Your Friend is Being Abused. I've reviewed this course and know it's applicable to helping a loved one or family member who is a victim of domestic abuse. Here's Lizbeth's advice: One of the most challenging roles is supporting a loved one who is being abused in an intimate relationship. Because too often, after your loved one discloses awful truths to you in confidence and commits to leaving the abuser, the tide changes. The abusive partner demonstrates remorse. Apologies are made. Flowers are sent. Behaviors temporarily improve. And just like that, your friend softens her story, maybe recants it, or breaks contact with you altogether. Until the next act of emotional, physical, or sexual violence occurs. Your phone rings ... again. I remember being that person, reaching out to a selective friend or two to unveil the horrors that had become my life. And then shrinking away when I decided to forgive and forget, and to maintain my marital vows. Two years after leaving my violent marriage, I became a domestic violence (DV) advocate, and witnessed first hand how stressful it was to friends and family to watch, powerless, as the person they cared about suffered.  While each abusive relationship is unique, it is typical for the process of leaving to take several attempts. “Leaving abuse isn’t a one-time event,” I used to say as a DV advocate. “It’s a process.” That process can take years to resolve. It’s for this reason that I created a Udemy course: How to Help When Your Friend is Being Abused (Udemy has the world’s largest selection of video courses taught by experts in their fields.) Designed for the empathetic friend, sister, or even supervisor of an abuse victim, the course is intended to be a tool to help stay safe and sane while making a positive difference in the life of the abused friend or relative. It’s okay to be unsure of how to support your loved one. It’s okay to get tired of hearing the same story, over and over. And it’s more than okay to learn to recognize the signs of when you need to set limits and perhaps even distance yourself from the situation. If you don’t take care of yourself, you may find yourself saying some things that aren’t okay. Like “I’m so sick of hearing this same story, over and over. Decide already!” or “What you need to do is ___” or, “I can’t believe you’d put it with that. I would never let someone treat me like that!”
Abuse in an intimate relationship flourishes when the victim remains isolated. Knowing what to say and where to refer can make a powerful difference in interrupting the cycle of violence.
Blessings,  Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed or helped by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com  An email I recently received: Hi. My name is Sara. I'm in a lot of emotional and physical pain. My story is a warning—I don't want other women to go through the same kind of abuse I'm now struggling to put behind me. My problems began over 22 years ago. The man I would marry was handsome, good with the children, and for the first six months, we were close friends. I was wary of the relationship becoming more serious because I'd been divorced and wanted to focus on raising my children and not to date. But he put pressure on me. He lied, telling me he had other women interested in him, and I needed to make up my mind. I became scared I’d lose him, and agreed to date. There were signs of odd behavior. Even in the beginning, there were signs of odd behavior, but I just overlooked them. I was still a broken person, as I know now. Two years after our relationship began, we were married. Things immediately began to change. He wanted control over food—if I didn’t get every drop of food out of a can I’d opened, he’d yell at me. I’m on long-term disability, but I allowed him to control all of my money, even though he didn’t share any of his benefits with me. After fourteen years of marriage and all kinds of abuse, I filed for divorce.  There was a deposition, and afterwards I was shocked when he professed his love, and said he would always love me. I forgave him and took him back. At first, everything was great, and then the crazy began again, worse than before—gaslighting, ignoring, blaming, and even refusing to bathe! In March of this year, my husband assaulted me which resulted in blood clots in my brain. Doctors tell me I have a brain aneurysm that makes it harder for me to think and write. I’m now on blood thinners, and there is nerve damage to my right eye. I can’t drive at night and I have problems with depth perception. I'm Scared. I'm lonely. I’m scared, I’m lonely. Some Christians believe I should just separate and not divorce. I do have some Christian friends who have witnessed my trials, and are supportive of me divorcing. I will get through this. God loves me and I know he wants better for me. I hope any of you out there, if you are lonely and abused like me, will call a Domestic Violence hotline. This is a trickle-down problem for the next generation. I hope this helps someone. It was nice to let this pain out. Love and hope to both men and women reading this who have suffered from abuse. Sara Note from Linda: I just received another email from Sara. I'm very stressed as I just received late in the day documents from husbands attorney. With lots of lies. "Sara" is not this woman's real name. Unless asked to do otherwise, I don't reveal the writer's name. I'm glad she is receiving support through the Violence Hotline and some Christian friends. I confess my frustration, and yes, anger, with those Christians who believe God wants victims of abuse to remain in their marriages. On the contrary, the Lord wants all people to be safe and loved. I'm praying Sara find that safe and loving place. I hope you're praying too. Blessings,  Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed or helped by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced opposing responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issue. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.
It wasn’t until I went to my fifth or sixth counselor that I learned my husband was a “crazymaker” and what that meant. In my upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce: A Transformative Journey Through Emotional and Spiritual Abuse, I include a scene with that counselor. “Confusion and shame is exactly what crazymakers want their victims to feel. All these things you’ve told me about Jim—saying one thing and then later, the opposite without acknowledging the difference, his lack of empathy for your physical and emotional state, trying to make you seem the bad one in the relationship, encouraging you to doubt your feelings—they convince me he’s a crazymaker,” she told me. My counselor warned me that crazymakers are not likely to change. I didn't have the tools to try to effect that change, and, after twenty-five years, I finally left. It wasn’t until I began writing the memoir that I understood the extent of my husband’s crazymaking. Here are eight of several types of crazymaking behavior. Crazymakers will--
These are but a few of the techniques crazymakers use to gain control over their close relations. Please note that my references here are all about men, but women can be crazymakers, too. If you suspect you are dealing with a crazymaker, I suggest you get counseling with a professional who understands this personality type. As for my question, did my husband love me? You'll have to read the memoir when it comes out. Blessings,  Psychology Today’s article, “How to Handle a Crazymaker,” explains crazymaking and offers suggestions for dealing with this personality type. David Hawkins’ book, Dealing with the Crazymakers in Your Life, is also helpful. Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.  Rick Snodgrass, Pastor CTK - Skagit While writing a few blog posts about domestic abuse of women within the global church, I began to wonder about my own church, a network of congregations called Christ the King. I approached our new pastor, Rick Snodgrass, concerning this issue. His eyes lit up. "My previous church had a wonderful program," he responded. "I'd love to describe it on you blog." Loving On Victims of Domestic Abuse |
| All too often pastors and parishioners encourage women to stay in an abusive marriage. The reality is, if a victim of spousal abuse who’s afraid for her or her children’s safety goes to church for help, rarely does the church have the necessary protocols in place. Church leaders may even urge the abused to forgive and reconcile with their abusers, emphasizing a theology of suffering, and using Scripture to elevate the sanctity of the marriage covenant over the safety of the abused. | Men may also be victims of domestic abuse: |
Simon Smart, Executive Director of the Centre for Public Christianity, referred to theologian Miroslav Volf’s observation in an article about how “Submit to your husbands” is misinterpreted. Volf calls the misinterpretation “thin religion ... stripped of its moral content and used as a weapon for goals completely unrelated to the faith.” This may be the case when pastors and male leaders in the church seek to retain control and keep women out of leadership.
Dr. Keyes suggested that women stay because of finances or their children and that they often do not see a way out. An article, #WhyIStayed: How Some Churches Support Spousal Abuse reveals other reasons.
Dr. Keyes suggested that women stay because of finances or their children and that they often do not see a way out. An article, #WhyIStayed: How Some Churches Support Spousal Abuse reveals other reasons.
- Spousal abuse may be considered a “family issue” and not a criminal offense. Reconciliation and forgiveness by the abused is often more convenient than facing the seriousness of the problem.
- Women are seen as inferior to men. Church leaders take Bible passages concerning the role of women out of context, falsely claiming women are to be silent and to submit to male authority.
- Churchgoers and victims themselves may have fears about being “bad Christian witnesses” to the congregation and the secular community if the abuse is revealed.
Today, more and more churches are realizing they’ve too often been enablers of domestic abusers.
What Happens When Churches Don’t Respond
Today, more and more churches are learning that their responses to abused parishioners have been wrong, pure and simple. They’re realizing they’ve too often been enablers of domestic abusers.
   | Emotional trauma to the victim. If a woman decides to leave her abusive spouse, she often leaves the church as well after discovering it does not support her decision to leave a dangerous relationship. This parting can be an additional source of trauma, because the church may have been an important part of her life. The result: the one place an abuse victim can go to for safety and support becomes a place of pain and shame — in other words, more abuse. Physical trauma to the victim. A woman who is pressured by the church to stay in an abusive marriage may very well suffer physical harm by staying. In fact, she could be in danger of losing her life at the hands of her abuser. A short video by Safe Havens, an interfaith partnership against domestic violence, gives contrasting real-life examples of the impact of different |
ways churches respond to domestic abuse victims. In one instance of a church encouraging the victim to return to her abuser, sadly, she died at the hands of her abuser.
The church could bring harm to itself.
Often a church isn’t aware of its legal obligations, let alone attuned to its responsibilities as an institution entrusted with the spiritual care of parishioners. Why is that? A church that chooses to turn its back on domestic abuse victims in hopes of protecting its image may in fact be harming itself. In the article, Why Domestic Violence in the Home Endangers Your Church, church security expert Carl Chinn says, “As Christians, we are dedicated to the preservation of the marriage, as we should be. But when there is abuse, or even the suspicion of it, we, as the church, often refuse to recognize it for the danger it is.” Chinn says this is a mistake with potentially grave consequences. Statistics show that, in 2016, eleven of the forty-seven murderous attacks at churches and ministries had the same cause: domestic violence.
Churches can also end up in legal trouble.
An article in Relevant magazine, This Is How Churches Should Respond to Abuse, explains that, “Each state has different mandatory reporting laws, but churches must engage local law enforcement who are trained and equipped to investigate [abuse] accusations. Elder boards acting like arm-chair investigators do far more harm than good.”
The article goes on to state that pastors can be “naïve and easily manipulated.” They are often recruited to speak on behalf of the abuser during legal proceedings. Rarely do they speak in support of the victim. We should ask what is wrong with this picture and how can we be change agents.
A Better Way
How can churches become places of safety and support for abuse victims? What could compel them and how would they begin? Following are steps I’ve gleaned from various sources that churches can take.
The church could bring harm to itself.
Often a church isn’t aware of its legal obligations, let alone attuned to its responsibilities as an institution entrusted with the spiritual care of parishioners. Why is that? A church that chooses to turn its back on domestic abuse victims in hopes of protecting its image may in fact be harming itself. In the article, Why Domestic Violence in the Home Endangers Your Church, church security expert Carl Chinn says, “As Christians, we are dedicated to the preservation of the marriage, as we should be. But when there is abuse, or even the suspicion of it, we, as the church, often refuse to recognize it for the danger it is.” Chinn says this is a mistake with potentially grave consequences. Statistics show that, in 2016, eleven of the forty-seven murderous attacks at churches and ministries had the same cause: domestic violence.
Churches can also end up in legal trouble.
An article in Relevant magazine, This Is How Churches Should Respond to Abuse, explains that, “Each state has different mandatory reporting laws, but churches must engage local law enforcement who are trained and equipped to investigate [abuse] accusations. Elder boards acting like arm-chair investigators do far more harm than good.”
The article goes on to state that pastors can be “naïve and easily manipulated.” They are often recruited to speak on behalf of the abuser during legal proceedings. Rarely do they speak in support of the victim. We should ask what is wrong with this picture and how can we be change agents.
A Better Way
How can churches become places of safety and support for abuse victims? What could compel them and how would they begin? Following are steps I’ve gleaned from various sources that churches can take.
Become informed and share that information
Understand what domestic abuse is, realizing victims of abuse are very possibly in the congregation. The church needs to be alert to the signs of domestic abuse and recognize its unique role in helping abused women who see the church as a safe place to come for help. Physical violence is often the most obvious abuse, but women also experience verbal, emotional, or sexual abuse by their husbands or partners.
Once church leaders have become informed, it’s important for them to educate the congregation on how they can support the abused. Begin with sermons on the subject. A study called I Believe You: Sexual Violence and the Church, by Sojourners found that, of pastors who responded to a survey, 65 percent had addressed domestic and sexual violence once or never in a sermon, 22 percent addressed it annually, 33 percent mentioned it “rarely,” and 10 percent had never taught on it. Change needs to happen from the pulpit to the pews.
Understand what domestic abuse is, realizing victims of abuse are very possibly in the congregation. The church needs to be alert to the signs of domestic abuse and recognize its unique role in helping abused women who see the church as a safe place to come for help. Physical violence is often the most obvious abuse, but women also experience verbal, emotional, or sexual abuse by their husbands or partners.
Once church leaders have become informed, it’s important for them to educate the congregation on how they can support the abused. Begin with sermons on the subject. A study called I Believe You: Sexual Violence and the Church, by Sojourners found that, of pastors who responded to a survey, 65 percent had addressed domestic and sexual violence once or never in a sermon, 22 percent addressed it annually, 33 percent mentioned it “rarely,” and 10 percent had never taught on it. Change needs to happen from the pulpit to the pews.
Many churches quick to teach submission are often slow to point out that women were also among the followers of Christ - Beth Moore
Other ideas for disseminating information include studies in the adult Sunday school curriculum on family violence and the prevention of violence, as well as Bible studies about women and their value. In a letter to her Christian brothers, author Beth Moore wrote, “I’m asking for your increased awareness of some of the skewed attitudes many of your sisters encounter. Many churches quick to teach submission are often slow to point out that women were also among the followers of Christ (Luke 8), that the first recorded word out of His resurrected mouth was ‘woman’ (John 20:15), and that same woman was the first evangelist.”
Validate
When a victim comes forward, it’s critical that church leaders’ first impulse is to listen and believe the victim’s feelings and listen to her story. In a Lifeway Research Survey of evangelistic protestant pastors titled Protestant Pastors’ Current Responses to Domestic Violence, about 50 percent said they would believe the victim, 68 percent said they would investigate whether domestic violence was really present, and 46 percent of mainline protestant pastors would investigate rather than fully support the victim.
“When a woman reports domestic violence and her report is discredited or dismissed,” says Penelope Hefner, principal and family law attorney at Sodoma Law Union in an article for domesticshelters.org, “it not only takes away from her pain, but it sends a message to the aggressor that the action is acceptable.”
Assess her level of safety
Churches can reduce trauma and even save lives by taking action to help abused women get to a safe place. They must remember an investigation of the abuser’s actions could prove fatal to the victim, if he feels threatened and takes his abuse to a higher level.
Partner with community services
It’s vital for churches to reach out to the community for support. The church and the community become stronger when they work together. The church should offer informed counseling or help the victim connect with other resources within the community. Community organizations will have access to government resources and training not available to the church.
Offer support and unconditional love
Connecting victims with support groups, prayer partners, and providing ongoing emotional and practical support are other important roles churches can play. Churches should prepare to offer support and guidance for years, not days or months, even if the victim is receiving professional counseling.
In conclusion
While many churches historically have fallen short of being places of refuge and active support to victims of domestic abuse, all churches need to develop the resources to help reverse this troubling crisis.
Coming up
Would you like to hear about the results of churches implementing policies to support victims of domestic abuse? So would I. I’ve already begun contacting those in the know, and will be reporting back to you, as well as providing a list of resources. If you know of an example of how a church has chosen to help, please let me know in the comments below. Stay tuned!
Blessings,
When a victim comes forward, it’s critical that church leaders’ first impulse is to listen and believe the victim’s feelings and listen to her story. In a Lifeway Research Survey of evangelistic protestant pastors titled Protestant Pastors’ Current Responses to Domestic Violence, about 50 percent said they would believe the victim, 68 percent said they would investigate whether domestic violence was really present, and 46 percent of mainline protestant pastors would investigate rather than fully support the victim.
“When a woman reports domestic violence and her report is discredited or dismissed,” says Penelope Hefner, principal and family law attorney at Sodoma Law Union in an article for domesticshelters.org, “it not only takes away from her pain, but it sends a message to the aggressor that the action is acceptable.”
Assess her level of safety
Churches can reduce trauma and even save lives by taking action to help abused women get to a safe place. They must remember an investigation of the abuser’s actions could prove fatal to the victim, if he feels threatened and takes his abuse to a higher level.
Partner with community services
It’s vital for churches to reach out to the community for support. The church and the community become stronger when they work together. The church should offer informed counseling or help the victim connect with other resources within the community. Community organizations will have access to government resources and training not available to the church.
Offer support and unconditional love
Connecting victims with support groups, prayer partners, and providing ongoing emotional and practical support are other important roles churches can play. Churches should prepare to offer support and guidance for years, not days or months, even if the victim is receiving professional counseling.
In conclusion
While many churches historically have fallen short of being places of refuge and active support to victims of domestic abuse, all churches need to develop the resources to help reverse this troubling crisis.
Coming up
Would you like to hear about the results of churches implementing policies to support victims of domestic abuse? So would I. I’ve already begun contacting those in the know, and will be reporting back to you, as well as providing a list of resources. If you know of an example of how a church has chosen to help, please let me know in the comments below. Stay tuned!
Blessings,
Author
Linda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.
Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? Or encouraged? There are hurting people who would like to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com
I’ve heard many stories (and featured some in my blog) of women abused by their churches. When I say abused, I’m referring to the emotional abuses of shaming, shunning, and slandering by pastors as well as physical abuse. In too many churches, women are blamed or disbelieved or disregarded when asking church leaders for protection from their abusive husbands. And if a woman calls attention to her husband’s abusive behavior, decides to divorce because of abuse, or calls out abusive leaders in the church, she may lose all emotional support, and, sometimes, even membership in her church, often leaving herself more vulnerable than ever to abuse.
These negative attitudes and practices toward women are not biblical.
The Apostle Paul declared, “You are all sons [people] of God through faith in Christ Jesus, for all you who were baptized in Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are one in Christ Jesus.” (Galatians 3:20-28)
James A. Borland1 gives three examples of Jesus’ attitude toward, and treatment of, women: 1) “Jesus regularly addressed women directly while in public. This was unusual for a man to do [in that day],” 2) “He spoke in a thoughtful, caring manner to women,”3) “He held women personally responsible for their own sin as seen in his dealings … Each had the personal freedom and a measure of self-determination to deal with the issues of sin, repentance, and forgiveness.”These negative attitudes and practices toward women are not biblical. The Apostle Paul declared, “You are all sons [people] of God through faith in Christ Jesus, for all you who were baptized in Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are one in Christ Jesus.” (Galatians 3:20-28)
James A. Borland1 gives three examples of Jesus’ attitude toward, and treatment of, women: 1) “Jesus regularly addressed women directly while in public. This was unusual for a man to do [in that day],” 2) “He spoke in a thoughtful, caring manner to women,”3) “He held women personally responsible for their own sin as seen in his dealings … Each had the personal freedom and a measure of self-determination to deal with the issues of sin, repentance, and forgiveness.”These negative attitudes and practices toward women are not biblical. The Apostle Paul declared, “You are all sons [people] of God through faith in Christ Jesus, for all you who were baptized in Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are one in Christ Jesus.” (Galatians 3:20-28)
Women were treated much like slaves in Jesus’ day.
Women stayed home and took care of domestic duties. But Jesus allowed women to travel with Him and the twelve disciples (Luke 8:1-3). Women were rarely even spoken to by men when they ventured outside the home. But as Beth Moore, American evangelist, author, and Bible teacher, wrote in a May 3rd, 2018 post, A Letter to My Brothers, 2 “Many churches quick to teach submission are often slow to point out that women were also among the followers of Christ (Luke 8), that the first recorded word out of His resurrected mouth was 'woman' (John 20:15), and that same woman was the first evangelist." Moore continued, “I’m asking for your deliberate and clearly conveyed influence toward the imitation of Christ in His attitude and actions toward women."
Recognizing the disparity between Jesus’ teaching about women, and the treatment of women in many churches today, we need to be asking for the same consideration Beth Moore has asked for.
Recently, a friend, Lizbeth Meredith (see her recent guest post), sent me hope of this happening in a description of an interfaith prayer vigil for victims of domestic violence in Kodiak, Alaska. The vigil is a beautiful example of a group of churches making a concerted effort in supporting women in abusive situations, as they believe Christ would have them do.
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Sponsored by the Kodiak Women’s Resource and Crisis Center (KWRCC), the vigil is held every October. “It’s a time when the different faith communities get together. We read the names of every domestic violence homicide victim in our young state’s history. The spiritual leaders make sure their various congregations understand that they are resources for victims of abuse. There is no shame or blame for the victims. It’s a powerful experience,” Lizbeth wrote.
She graciously put me in touch with Beth Davis, Outreach Coordinator and Faith Advocate at KWRCC. “I advocate for clients who are victims of domestic abuse and sexual assault,” Beth told me in a phone call. “Our mission is to help women develop inner strength and achieve their fullest potential. We are dedicated to the prevention and elimination of Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault by providing education and promoting community awareness.”
KWRCC provides resources and crisis services to the community, as well as a shelter for women and their children who are victims of domestic violence and sexual assault. They support a 24-hour crisis line, give the women a space to heal with support groups and classes, and help them access other community services.
As part of her work, Beth offers resource information to twenty nine churches plus smaller groups that are a part of the active faith community. She explained that, because Kodiak is a small island, “Everybody knows everybody,” which allows for close communication and cooperation among the churches.
As part of her work, Beth offers resource information to twenty nine churches plus smaller groups that are a part of the active faith community. She explained that, because Kodiak is a small island, “Everybody knows everybody,” which allows for close communication and cooperation among the churches.
“Everybody knows everybody,” which allows for close communication and cooperation among the churches.
I asked Beth to tell me more about the vigil. “The prayer vigil is only about an hour long and includes several scripture readings, prayers, songs and hymns, and a message on what domestic violence is and is not. In the three years I’ve been here as Outreach Coordinator, I’ve tried to involve every major denomination as well as people and organizations that encounter victims of domestic abuse and sexual assault. That includes state troopers, the Kodiak police department, law offices, the hospital chaplain, mental health providers, local business people … everybody and every agency we work with in supporting domestic violence and sexual assault victims.
| “Beyond the prayer vigil, I wanted to find more resources for helping the churches be a safe place [for victims of domestic violence],” she continued. “I discovered Safe Havens, an interfaith organization, with headquarters in Boston, MA, that promotes hope and justice for victims and survivors of domestic violence and elder abuse, and asked them if they would come to Kodiak to do some training.” | I wanted to find more resources for helping the churches be a safe place [for victims of domestic violence]. |
The four-day training, which occurred three years ago, included people from “all kinds of spiritual directions,” and covered domestic violence, sexual assault, and elder abuse, all within the faith perspective. Twelve churches were represented, with pastors, co-pastors and other church leaders attending. “People experiencing abuse don’t always go to their busy pastors,” Beth noted. “They may go to others in the church who are more available and with whom they feel safe. But it’s important to hear from the pulpit that their pastors are advocates.”
“We talk about psychological, spiritual, physical, emotional, and financial abuse … everything."
I asked Beth what subtopics are covered in “domestic violence.”
“We talk about psychological, spiritual, physical, emotional, and financial abuse … everything.
“Part of our contract with Safe Havens was to bring a couple of people in the faith community [to Boston] for more training a year later. I was able to bring a Catholic priest and a Russian Orthodox deacon who is also a teacher at the local Russian Orthodox seminary.”
“We talk about psychological, spiritual, physical, emotional, and financial abuse … everything.
“Part of our contract with Safe Havens was to bring a couple of people in the faith community [to Boston] for more training a year later. I was able to bring a Catholic priest and a Russian Orthodox deacon who is also a teacher at the local Russian Orthodox seminary.”
“On the surface, most of us can agree that abuse is not good.”
“On the surface, most of us can agree that abuse is not good,” Beth said. “But, both the abused and the abusers are sitting in the pews. We need to be painting a picture in our churches of what healthy relationships look like. God has told us a lot about honoring and respecting one another. The Word teaches us how to relate, the Spirit brings conviction when needed, and we are called to walk humbly and compassionately with each other.”
To sum up, here are the main actions these churches have taken to support abused women:
1, Borland, James, Jesus's Countercultural View of Women, https://www.crossway.org/articles/how-jesus-viewed-and-valued-women/
2. Moore, Beth, A Letter to My Brothers, https://blog.lproof.org/2018/05/a-letter-to-my-brothers.html
To sum up, here are the main actions these churches have taken to support abused women:
- They’ve made focusing on the problem of abuse a priority.
- By participating in an annual event, they keep a focus on the problem.
- They openly acknowledge and grieve the loss of victims of abuse.
- They’re willing to invest time and resources in training.
- They recognize that they are stronger and more effective when they come together to work on this problem.
1, Borland, James, Jesus's Countercultural View of Women, https://www.crossway.org/articles/how-jesus-viewed-and-valued-women/
2. Moore, Beth, A Letter to My Brothers, https://blog.lproof.org/2018/05/a-letter-to-my-brothers.html
Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? Or encouraged? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com
Photo by Sydney Sims on Unsplash Lizbeth Meredith, author of award-winning memoir, Pieces of Me: Rescuing My Kidnapped Daughters is my guest blogger this week. I was captivated by Lizbeth's story. With it's real-life dramatic twists and turns, it kept me reading. But what has remained with me is her account of overcoming the abuse she experienced at the hands of her husband. And I wanted to know more about the response of her church during that time, and what her faith looks like today.
Abused, Ignored, and Finally Restored
by Lizbeth Meredith
by Lizbeth Meredith
I gave less attention to selecting a husband than I did adopting a kitten.
Back in 1985, nearing 21, I was feeling incredibly small, vulnerable, and in need of rescuing. I’d left my volatile family of origin for college at 17. Neither of my parents finished high school, yet I’d set my sights on college. I moved to Washington and made wonderful friends. But scholastically, I belly-flopped.
So, I returned to Alaska a collegiate failure and got a job as a maid. I leap when an older man from what seemed like an exotic country (Greece) paid me some attention. I was saved.
This man appeared to love everything about me, wanted to be with me constantly, and let me know that he saw everything that came between us -- my friends, my job, my interests -- as a waste of time. Ninety days after first meeting, we married.
Back in 1985, nearing 21, I was feeling incredibly small, vulnerable, and in need of rescuing. I’d left my volatile family of origin for college at 17. Neither of my parents finished high school, yet I’d set my sights on college. I moved to Washington and made wonderful friends. But scholastically, I belly-flopped.
So, I returned to Alaska a collegiate failure and got a job as a maid. I leap when an older man from what seemed like an exotic country (Greece) paid me some attention. I was saved.
This man appeared to love everything about me, wanted to be with me constantly, and let me know that he saw everything that came between us -- my friends, my job, my interests -- as a waste of time. Ninety days after first meeting, we married.
That love and attention ended just as quickly.
It was my idea to leave the charismatic church I’d attended to convert to the Greek Orthodox faith. I wanted my marriage to work. I was happy to learn about my husband’s culture. His language. His family. I ditched my last name for his, erasing my identity for his.
The Greek Orthodox Church soon became one of the few places I could go and not raise my husband’s ire.
Back in the late 80’s, no one talked about abuse in marriage or domestic violence. We didn’t have the words to name it. It had only recently become illegal for an American man to strike his wife.
The Greek Orthodox Church soon became one of the few places I could go and not raise my husband’s ire.
Back in the late 80’s, no one talked about abuse in marriage or domestic violence. We didn’t have the words to name it. It had only recently become illegal for an American man to strike his wife.
I never meant to minimize what was happening in my marriage.
I just didn’t want to run my husband’s reputation in to the ground so that he’d not be welcome in church again. So instead I hinted at what was going on. “My husband didn’t come home for a week.” (Translation: The kids and I are out of food, and I have no access to money or transportation.)
“My husband doesn’t like me to talk about our relationship.” (Translation: My husband doesn’t want people to know how he’s treating me.)
“I’m feeling hopeless and afraid in my marriage. (Translation: My husband has threatened to kill me if I try to leave him, or otherwise take the children and disappear.)
Perhaps it shouldn’t have surprised me when parishioners said things like “You’ve made your bed. You have to lie in it,” or “You don’t want your kids to have a broken home.”
I felt I was being held accountable for my husband’s conduct.
“My husband doesn’t like me to talk about our relationship.” (Translation: My husband doesn’t want people to know how he’s treating me.)
“I’m feeling hopeless and afraid in my marriage. (Translation: My husband has threatened to kill me if I try to leave him, or otherwise take the children and disappear.)
Perhaps it shouldn’t have surprised me when parishioners said things like “You’ve made your bed. You have to lie in it,” or “You don’t want your kids to have a broken home.”
I felt I was being held accountable for my husband’s conduct.
Fast forward four and a half years from our wedding day. I was jobless. Hopeless. Then on the floor, near- lifeless. My two-year-old daughter screaming as her father did his best to strangle me.
Later, reactions from parishioners were mixed. “Why don’t you forgive and forget? ”Maybe you’re not giving as much to the marriage as you should.” Yet a brave priest reached out and urged me to get an annulment. “This was not your fault. An annulment would allow you to marry again in the Orthodox Church.”
I did not get an annulment. Nor did I remarry in the Orthodox Church, or anywhere else, for that matter. I remained wary of investing in a church home again. My trust in God remained, but so did a lasting distrust of all that man-made religions sought to control.
What I did do was get a lot of counseling, for me and for my kids. I got a divorce. I got a degree, and then another. And I got a fabulous job as a domestic violence advocate and later found work as a probation officer, where on a good day, I tell both staff, victims, and offenders about the dynamics of domestic violence and the long-term impact growing up in it has on our mental, physical, and even financial health.
I remind young people that when making a decision with lifelong consequences such as picking a partner, it merits plenty of time and attention.
Last October, I was honored to attend Kodiak, Alaska’s annual interfaith community prayer service for victims of domestic violence, hosted in part by Kodiak Women’s Resource and Crisis Center. For over twenty years, Kodiak’s spiritual leaders set their differences aside and join in a community-wide ceremony to honor the slain victims of domestic violence. There, they remind the community, that (paraphrased):
We understand the prevalence of intimate partner violence and its crushing impact. We understand that this (faith) community does not have all the answers, and we refer you to the local shelter for information and support. We understand the secrecy and isolation surrounding domestic violence and invite you to talk about it with us in confidence.
You are safe here.
You are not judged.
You are not alone.
The impact a faith community has in addressing (or not addressing) domestic violence is powerful. If more spiritual leaders offered themselves as a support and as a referral source, victims could safely address their safety issues and remain in their faith families.
For myself, I ended up with an abiding faith and an ever-growing skepticism of how people organize religion to suit their own needs and promote a power structure rather than please God. And my personal belief from the experience is that a loving God does not want to exclude anyone.
Lizbeth Meredith is the author of award-winning memoir Pieces of Me: Rescuing My Kidnapped Daughters. Pieces of Me was released as audiobook in 2018.
Lizbeth lives in Anchorage, Alaska, close to her two grown daughters. She is a member and infrequent attender of a Methodist Church that welcomes women and humans of every gender, race, and orientation as children of God. Recently, Lizbeth spent many weeks agonizing over which kittens to adopt.
You may reach Lizbeth at lameredith.com or on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/lizbethmeredithfan or on Twitter@ LizbethMeredith.
Lizbeth lives in Anchorage, Alaska, close to her two grown daughters. She is a member and infrequent attender of a Methodist Church that welcomes women and humans of every gender, race, and orientation as children of God. Recently, Lizbeth spent many weeks agonizing over which kittens to adopt.
You may reach Lizbeth at lameredith.com or on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/lizbethmeredithfan or on Twitter@ LizbethMeredith.
Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? Or supported? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com
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Recommended Reading
Instone-Brewer, David. Divorce and Remarriage in the Church: Biblical Solutions for Pastoral Realities,
Divorce and Remarriage | Andrew Farley
Is Divorce the unforgivable sin? | Andrew Farley
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If you're interested in sharing your story of divorce and the response of other Christians, email Linda at Linda@LindaMKurth.com for guidelines.