  Before we delve into the topic of spiritual abuse, I want to tell you a little story. One day, when I was a teenager, I discovered something interesting about my best friend. We’d been pals since elementary school, shared first names, and had the same initials. Despite those and other exterior similarities, I learned that day we had a character difference. I realized my friend was capable of keeping secrets. In contrast, I told my mom most everything. “I wish my Linda would be more forthcoming with me the way your Linda is with you,” I overheard her mother tell my mother. I realized my friend was capable of keeping secrets. In contrast, I told my mom most everything. I'm not saying my friend's habit was wrong, nor was mine. I relate this story because I’ve not changed all that much over the years. I'm focused on helping Christians heal from divorce and abuse of all kinds. Spiritual abuse can coerce the victim to stay in unhealthy relationships ... the church and even marriage. I've personally experienced spiritual abuse, but was fortunate to have been able to reject it early on. (Read my story here.) But I do relate and am concerned for those whose spiritual abuse has been devastating. I'm all about sharing, but social media gurus caution against providing links beyond one's own blog. As I began to do research for this blog post, I realized that the Internet sources I found were much more helpful and compelling than anything I could write. I'm all for sharing, but social media gurus caution against providing links beyond one's own blog. Nevertheless, I've decided to direct you to the sources I found helpful. Instead of summing up these excellent articles, I've curated eight Internet resources that may be of help to those of you who have suffered from spiritual abuse. Here is your free PDF download. If you are a Christian who has struggled with divorce and faith, checking out these resources may help you understand what you’ve gone through and give you a road map for the future. My hope is that you’ll return here to this blog where you have an opportunity to use your voice to share your story. Not only will that process help in your own healing, you'll be encouraging others. Just as the #MeToo movement is changing our culture, our stories can help change the attitude of the Christian church about spiritual abuse. I encourage you to join us. Blessings,  AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace. Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? Or encouraged? There are hurting people who would like to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com
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 Sexual assault by men in power is a hot-button subject these days. I’ve been following several of these cases, trying to understand how they relate to abusive Christian marriages. When Paige Patterson, recently disgraced ex- president of Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary and a prominent leader in the Southern Baptist Convention (SBC), advised women to stay in abusive marriages to help “save” their husbands, he unwittingly revealed to the world the systemic misogyny of a large number of Christian churches. It would seem that much of the Church has the very same problem toward women as the secular world. Perhaps we Christians are not all that different from un-churched folk. Perhaps we Christians are not all that different from un-churched folk. In his book, What Paul Really Said about Women*, John Temple Bristow describes the ancient world’s view of women. “The philosophers of Athens … bequeathed to the world a double indictment against womanhood. From the classic period, especially in the teachings of Aristotle, came the conviction that women are inferior to men … women are to be commanded by men and used for the pleasure of men.” The Stoic philosophers believed that “women are a distraction and temptation to men. Therefore, women are to be avoided by men who would thereby be free to pursue those qualities that make men superior.” Wow! Does that sound familiar? Men like Harvey Weinstein could never have vocalized those beliefs with impunity. But his actions tell us that, at some level, he holds a similar philosophy. Faith leaders like Patterson, on the other hand, have cherry-picked the bible to declare, in more overt ways, this ancient secular philosophy of women’s service to men. How can that be? The Apostle Paul declared, “You are all sons [people] of God through faith in Christ Jesus, for all you who were baptized in Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are one in Christ Jesus.” (Galatians 3:20-28) There's the rub. Ah, there’s the rub, as Shakespeare was wont to say. According to long-revered translations of the bible, Paul perhaps also indicated that women ought to be under the authority of their husbands. However, Bristow points out that the translators of these versions were heavily influenced by the traditional view of women being of lesser intellect and value than men. This misinterpretation is why Patterson and his ilk have been able to get away with his type of spiritual abuse for so long. Fortunately, we have scholars today who are able to study the true meaning of the scriptures and are giving us new insights in what the bible says about women, and men too. Stay tuned for Part 2 of this discussion. Blessings,  *What Paul Really Said about Women: An Apostle's Liberating Views on Equality in Marriage, Leadership, and Love, 1988, Harper-Collins Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.  I almost wished my husband would have an affair. Then, it would have been okay, biblically speaking, to clearly identify what was wrong and be given permission to leave. After years of counseling, my marriage was obviously coming to an end. There had been no physical abuse and no physical unfaithfulness. Yet, I felt I had to leave to save my sanity. Our counselor refused to talk about divorce, even though she declared Satan was influencing my husband. Our counselor refused to talk about divorce. She quoted Matthew 19: 9, in which Jesus said, “I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.” I thought a great deal about “unfaithfulness” during that time. It seemed to me that neglect, put-downs, and other negative behaviors could be considered unfaithful. Recently, I read an article by Joel Cade, “Reconciling My Christian Faith and Divorce” that caused me to revisit my reasoning back then. In the article, Cade explains that, in these modern times, the focus is on being unfaithful sexually. In these modern times, the focus is on being unfaithful sexually. However, Christian marriage encompasses much more than that. “It’s about being faithful to one partner with your love, with your honor, with your comfort and keeping those emotional bonds strong only with one partner,” Cade writes. He concludes that, when people share these things with someone outside the marriage, “they are no longer keeping the covenant. They are unfaithful to the marriage covenant.” In emphasizing the sexual aspect of marriage, the kind of relationship Cade calls, “Entertainment Marriage,” we tend to pass over the bedrock of a true marriage union. If we take Cade's reasoning one step further, we can conclude that sexual unfaithfulness is only one sign of broken marriage vows. Hindsight is always best, and it would have been good if I’d had the ability to express my thinking to my counselor as cogently as Cade does, although I suspect he likely benefited from hindsight as well. If you are a Christian and going through the heartbreak of divorce, my prayer is that you may gain some insight, and maybe even comfort, from this discussion. Blessings,  Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.  I was naïve when I first began addressing the un-Christ-like treatment of divorced Christians within certain churches. I believed that the misinterpretation of the bible about marriage and divorce was at the root of the problem. Oh, yes, I knew there were certain churches where men treated their “sisters” as less than, but I didn't understand how widespread the problem was or where it came from, hoping that the Church was evolving into a more enlightened institution. Now, on the heels of the #MeToo movement, #ChurchToo is fast becoming a much talked about and controversial subject among conservative Christians and their churches. What has come to light is a much deeper, pre-Christian attitude toward women as needing to be under the authority of men. What do I mean by “pre-Christian? John Temple Bristown, in his book, What Paul Really Said About Women (Harper, 1988) wrote, “In reality, the words that Paul chose to use imply different ideas from those conveyed by the English words we use to translate his writings. In fact, our English words imply ideas that [the apostle] Paul deliberately avoided!” How could this be? In subsequent posts, I’ll share more of Bristow’s thinking about how and why bible translators misinterpreted Paul’s words. And we’ll explore how the Church’s patriarchal attitudes have led to the egregious behaviors of too many of its leaders which are now being revealed. Blessings,  Further reading: https://www.cbeinternational.org/blogs/women-saw-metoo-coming-100-years-ago-when-will-we-listen Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.  I feel a major shift coming in the treatment of women within the Christian church. I shout, "Hallelujah!" This feels like the Christian women's version of the "Me Too" movement. Women are speaking up about the Spiritual Abuse they've received in the Church, saying "Enough!" and claiming their rightful place within a church of love and grace. Last week, the Washington Post published an article: Southern Baptist leader pushes back after comments leak urging abused women to pray and avoid divorce, based on an audio tape in which Paige Patterson, currently the president of Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary and a prominent leader in the Southern Baptist Convention (SBC), urged counseling women to remain in abusive marriages. Patterson continues to believe that women should endure abuse because, if they stay and suffer, they may be able to help their husbands become better people. Thousands of Southern Baptist women responded by signing an open letter, expressing their concerns with Patterson's views toward women and marriage. Christian author Beth Moore realized it was time for her to speak up, too. She wrote a letter to her Christian brothers describing what it has been like for her to be a woman minister and speaker in the male-dominated evangelical world. She wrote, "I’m asking for your increased awareness of some of the skewed attitudes many of your sisters encounter. Many churches quick to teach submission are often slow to point out that women were also among the followers of Christ (Luke 8), that the first recorded word out of His resurrected mouth was 'woman' (John 20:15), and that same woman was the first evangelist." She continued. "I’m asking that you would simply have no tolerance for misogyny and dismissiveness toward women in your spheres of influence. I’m asking for your deliberate and clearly conveyed influence toward the imitation of Christ in His attitude and actions toward women." In a September blog post of last year, Divorce Support or Condemnation?, I wrote, "I had not intended to make my mission of exposing Pharisaical behavior in the church toward divorced Christians a gender issue. But, after a conversation with a divorced Christian friend yesterday, my eyes have been opened; I believe it often is." I mentioned an earlier guest blog post, Liberation from the Patriarchal Church, as evidence. In the writer's situation, she chose to divorce because of physical and emotional abuse. Yet, she was blamed by the church leaders and others for her husband's behavior. Somehow she hadn't been a "good Christian wife" in their eyes. Anyone with "eyes to see and ears to hear" and a knowledge of the love of Christ ought to know this kind of misogynous behavior has no place in our Lord's church. My next blog post will explore the origin of this harmful and systemic practice. Blessings,  Further reading: https://www.cbeinternational.org/blogs/how-did-we-get-here-misogyny-church-and-world?eType=EmailBlastContent&eId=f36fe22c-329b-4480-858a-c8fd0d844074 Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.  An interview with Pastor Cliff Tadema, Christ the King - Skagit. Second in a two-part series. Linda: Pastor Cliff, in the previous post, you said, spiritual abuse is consistently using a position of authority to impose something on somebody or to exert control over them through misapplying scripture. Church hurt doesn’t necessarily involve biblical interpretation and may be only a one-time event. We discussed the following steps you laid out for dealing with church hurt. Four Steps for Dealing with Church Hurt: 1. Live a Self-Examined Life. 2. Handle The Offenses Correctly. 3. Persist In Offering Grace. 4. Fix Your Eyes On Jesus. This blog has some examples of Christians being hurt by the church. I have summarized three of them here. Perhaps you can use their experiences to describe how the steps you outlined might play out.  Linda: If she had come to you and told you of her experience with her priest, would you have advised her to follow all four steps for dealing with church hurt, or is there another process you would recommend in this situation? Pastor Cliff: I wouldn’t advise her to go through the four steps. I wouldn’t want to make law out of that process. I would advise her to go to a Christian counselor or other pastor. I would say an alcoholic husband who is abusing his wife has broken his marriage vows.  Linda: If she had come to you and told you of her experience within that church, would you have advised her to follow all four steps for dealing with church hurt, or is there another process you would recommend in this situation? Pastor Cliff: What you are describing is "Man's Church." [Man’s church is all about what it looks like and what you do to look right. It’s about conformity. Man’s church uses fear as a calling card.] There’s no biblical basis for what she experienced. That church is making its own laws. They’re as bad as the Pharisees. They’re doing it so they can feel good about themselves. She was right to leave. I’m sorry she didn’t find another family of believers that she could be a part of, because we are designed to be in a grace-filled community.  Linda: If she had come to you and told you of her experience within her church, would you have advised her to follow all four steps for dealing with church hurt, or is there another process you would recommend in this situation? Pastor Cliff: Biblical submissiveness never means you should be a doormat. Mutual submission is designed for the guy to look out for his wife. I would tell this woman to immediately separate to protect herself and her daughter. Her husband has abandoned his vow to be the kind of man he’s supposed to be for his family. Is he willing to address his problem? Will he ask for forgiveness, change his life style, and be accountable? That would be the only reason to continue with the marriage. If the pastors of these man-based churches are going to use the passages in the bible about submission, they should not forget 1 Peter 3:7-9. Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker [physically] partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers. Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate, and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessings, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing. Linda: So if husbands mistreat their wives, they miss out on being blessed! Pastor Cliff: That's right. About grace. Linda: You talk a lot about grace, so let’s conclude with that subject. Cliff: Grace requires a willingness to let go of control. It’s a very difficult way for a church to go. Sometimes church hurt happens inadvertently. But even if it’s spiritual abuse, who’s the judge? We have to trust the Holy Spirit. One thing is clear: no one has to submit to abuse within their marriage or in their church. Dear Reader, if you've found this interview interesting, I hope you'll note that in the comment section below. I'd love to dialog with you about this issue. Blessings,  Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issue. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace. An Interview with Cliff Tadema, Pastor, |
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It was addressed to me, even though the return address showed it was from a Promise Keeper friend of my newly divorced husband. My stomach churned as I began reading his letter.
"You desired illegitimate authority in you home and now you are worse off than before [the divorce.] You no longer have the spiritual covering of your husband and are open to Satan's attacks," he declared.
He went on to say, "I recommend you find a church where there is strong male headship and no compromising of clear scripture." And ""I see you as an incredibly controlling person...God can soften your stiff neck and heart of stone, but it will be His way or no way." On it went for three pages.
My heart pounding, I jumped into my van and headed for the freeway where I could scream my head off without anyone hearing me. I knew I couldn't let this man's accusations go, but how on earth was I to answer him?
"You desired illegitimate authority in you home and now you are worse off than before [the divorce.] You no longer have the spiritual covering of your husband and are open to Satan's attacks," he declared.
He went on to say, "I recommend you find a church where there is strong male headship and no compromising of clear scripture." And ""I see you as an incredibly controlling person...God can soften your stiff neck and heart of stone, but it will be His way or no way." On it went for three pages.
My heart pounding, I jumped into my van and headed for the freeway where I could scream my head off without anyone hearing me. I knew I couldn't let this man's accusations go, but how on earth was I to answer him?
Are you a Christian who has experienced spiritual abuse in response to your decision to divorce? What did you do about it? I hope you'll share with readers here as we advocate for healing and grace for divorced persons within the church.
Blessings,
Blessings,
Author
Linda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issue. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.
Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com
Deep Wounds Remain by ECG
I’m in a good place, and reliving it as I put it into writing, opens deep wounds I don’t want to open right now. I can simply say this; there was not a good response from the church. [This was her husband’s church.]
Even with counseling from the pastor, I was put into a
worse category than the one who was deep into infidelity.
worse category than the one who was deep into infidelity.
I was told a woman should forgive and ignore the behaviors. Here's a quote I will never forget from the pastor about me: "You need to be cautious with her. She's damaged. If you explain more of the incidents that happened, she will become more fragile." Instead of dealing with what happened and how to move forward, I was labeled "damaged."
It was suggested I confess before the church for any part I might have had in leading to my husband’s wanderings. He wasn’t asked to acknowledge his wrong doings, and he didn’t volunteer.
It was suggested I confess before the church for any part I might have had in leading to my husband’s wanderings. He wasn’t asked to acknowledge his wrong doings, and he didn’t volunteer.
Our relationship issues were none of the church’s business. It was between us and God and our pastor for spiritual guidance and mediation. However, once counseling started, I was completely ostracized by the other women in the church — as if things that were said in counseling were shared. When they did talk to me, they were "kind, and concerned," quoting Proverbs 31 and suggesting I needed to be like that Proverbs woman. They insinuated that I hadn’t been, and that was why he strayed. I was the problem. Not because he had an addiction to sex or whatever you want to put as a label.
She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: “Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.” Proverbs 31:25 – 29
When I left the church, not a single person called or even reached out to me. I washed my hands of them. Knowing that the spirit of God wasn't leading their judgment against me made leaving easier.
Linda's note: I've been told that the writer is remarried and presently in a good church I am so grateful for all who have contributed their stories. If you have friends who have their own stories of divorce and the church, I hope you'll let information below. Let them know about the possibility of contributing as guest blogger.
Blessings,
Blessings,
Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com
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30 Things to Do When You're Single
Forgiveness Self-Assessment
Resources for Healing from Spiritual Abuse
50 Divorce Recovery Books and Blogs
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Recommended Reading
Instone-Brewer, David. Divorce and Remarriage in the Church: Biblical Solutions for Pastoral Realities,
Divorce and Remarriage | Andrew Farley
Is Divorce the unforgivable sin? | Andrew Farley
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If you're interested in sharing your story of divorce and the response of other Christians, email Linda at Linda@LindaMKurth.com for guidelines.