Spiritual Abuse in the Church by D.R.As the marriage progressed, I became aware of the duplicity of his motives, intentions and belief systems about marriage and women in general.
We were married only four months when I was in a near-fatal car accident and had a “near death experience (NDE)”. This event left me extremely unsettled and my grandmother suggested I join a church. Shortly after, we started attending bible studies at my sister-in-law’s church. About two years later, we were baptized and made our spiritual commitments publicly before the church. It was then we began hosting bible studies in our home and participating in lay-ministry in the community. My husband did not want me to work outside the home, so when my daughter was born I gave up my job. We had struggled with fertility issues for several years, and I was happy to be home. However, within two years of my daughter’s birth, he became passive-aggressive, prone to outbursts of anger with physical and emotional abuse. We were struggling financially because I wasn’t working and our plans to build a home were postponed. When we argued about this and other issues, he resorted to shoving me against the kitchen wall, getting close to my face in an intimidating way, and verbally berating me. Shortly after my daughter’s second birthday, she expressed a desire to see “the big truck that Daddy drives every day at work.” We made arrangements to meet for lunch and after eating at a local restaurant, I took pictures of my daughter sitting in the driver’s seat of the truck. As she was climbing down from the seat, she accidentally kicked the pile of papers under it and a stack of Playboy magazines fell onto the ground. My husband blushed and would not meet my eyes. At that moment, my eyes were opened to the possibility he was addicted to pornography. The evidence soon bore out, and I came to understand why he no longer approached me intimately. I told him he needed counseling or I would leave. We participated in marriage counseling twice, once for about six months with a pastor from another church in our denomination, then later with a Christian marriage and family therapist. There was never any accountability put before him; the only confession he offered was “I’ve done some things I shouldn’t have.” I was repeatedly told, by both counselors, that if I would follow the Bible’s teachings on submissiveness, our problems would be solved. I felt betrayed by the church and the therapist, and quit the counseling. I joined a support group for domestic violence survivors that was not affiliated with any church or denomination. After I made this change, my husband became more antagonistic. My concern for the safety of my daughter and myself intensified. There were several incidences in the middle of the night that lead me to believe that my daughter was in danger. She refused to sleep through the night, and I was exhausted from lack of rest. When I confronted him about this, he said I was crazy. The next few days he slept in another part of the house and we fought constantly. I felt terrified, my gut telling me to “get out.” I hastily packed up my car and left with my daughter. We lived in the car for a few days until a friend from the support group I was part of took us in. I contacted Child Protective Services and filed a restraining order. As the news of my situation gained momentum in my church, members and people in leadership shunned me. I sat alone with my daughter at church services and potlucks. Some members accused me of bringing an unclean spirit into the church. Ironically, within three years of my divorce, seven other marriages in the church were dissolved because of abuse and incest. I realized many years later, that my experience brought courage to others. The journey out of domestic violence is very much like coming out of prison. After years of manipulation, deception and betrayal, I lost my faith, my spiritual centeredness and individuality. I decided to choose a life of discovering who I was outside the dictates of denominational religion. I began studying alone at home which deepened my understanding of the biblical concepts of “chosen”, “forgiven”, “forsaken”, “redeemed” and divorce. I spent many years outside corporate churches and found unconditional love and acceptance in the support groups of which I was a part. I lived a solitary life with my daughter where we could heal and grow spiritually without oppression. I've been single for thirty years, and although I still desire a godly companion, I am reluctant to let another man into my life. Being the “Bride of Christ” is the safest and most nurturing relationship for me now! Linda's Comments: I want to thank D.R. for sharing her powerful story here. Re-visiting such painful events takes courage. From our correspondence, I know there were times she struggled with the emotions brought forth as she wrote this, but as her writing progressed, she experienced some healing. |
 | “Do you promise to take this man, for better or worse, in sickness and health, until death do you part?” "Yes," I heard myself saying |
| In the next seven years, my husband’s inability to get along with co-workers and to accept authority led to twenty-one jobs lost. The name calling and degradation escalated. When he became angry, I became a “slut.” He seemed to favor putting me down when other people were present, even passing people on the street whom we’d never met. Did he think this made him a man? When our first child cried, he told me to shut her up or he would give her something to cry about. |
As a cradle Catholic, I didn’t believe divorce was an option.
I had promised to love and honor even through the bad times. Unfortunately, all I knew were bad times. The frequent temper tantrums resulted in breaking dishes, lamps—-anything he could throw. I was determined to make the marriage work, to show that I could save him and save us. I insisted on marriage counseling, non-religious, since my spouse was not a member of any religious denomination. Within a short period of time, we were asked to leave. I was told my spouse needed individual counseling before we could begin to consider marriage counseling.
There were several significant events that ultimately forced me to realize that I had to escape for my sake, and that of my child. I will never forget the day my three-year-old daughter asked me “How come my daddy isn’t like other daddies?” When I asked her what she meant, her response was simple, showing her awareness of what I had failed to admit to myself: “My daddy is angry all the time.”
Eventually we separated and I began divorce proceedings. These moves forced my husband to seek help, and a psychiatrist prescribed Lithium. My husband moved back in with me and things seemed normal for a while. I got pregnant again. But after six months he decided he didn’t like the side effects of the Lithium and quit taking it. When I was several months pregnant, something set him off and he began punching my stomach. The next morning, I had bleeding. This scared me to death.
There were several significant events that ultimately forced me to realize that I had to escape for my sake, and that of my child. I will never forget the day my three-year-old daughter asked me “How come my daddy isn’t like other daddies?” When I asked her what she meant, her response was simple, showing her awareness of what I had failed to admit to myself: “My daddy is angry all the time.”
Eventually we separated and I began divorce proceedings. These moves forced my husband to seek help, and a psychiatrist prescribed Lithium. My husband moved back in with me and things seemed normal for a while. I got pregnant again. But after six months he decided he didn’t like the side effects of the Lithium and quit taking it. When I was several months pregnant, something set him off and he began punching my stomach. The next morning, I had bleeding. This scared me to death.
Shortly afterwards, I encountered the final push I needed.
At Mass, the sermon was on prayer. The priest spoke about how everyone prays to God for something they want, as I had done for so many years. I kept telling God I had made a commitment, and all He had to do was give me some small sign of hope for our marriage. The priest said simply. “Maybe if you think God is not answering your prayers, you’re not listening. Maybe you don’t like the answer you are hearing.”
Right then and there, I said one more prayer. “Please, God, show me what I should do. I promise this time I will hear you. I will listen.” I went home from church and almost immediately, some minor thing set off my husband in a lamp-flying, dish-throwing tirade. The answer was clear.
I scheduled an appointment with the priest who had given the sermon. He was kind and non-judgmental. He explained what the church’s position on marriage was. The church considers a marriage a union of two people who love each other and treat each other with respect, he told me. The church does not believe someone should suffer at the hands of an abuser. The degrading abusive, relationship I was in was not a marriage in the eyes of the church. This man of the cloth erased any Catholic guilt.
By now, I was near term with my pregnancy. The stress was nearly unbearable, but I wanted to hang on until the baby was born. When my daughter was two months old, the final straw broke. After another tantrum, my husband called my father and told him he had better come and pick me up. He told my dad to hurry, or he wouldn’t recognize me when he got there. That night I called the police, had them stand outside while I gathered my children and a few things, and left for my parent’s house.
Right then and there, I said one more prayer. “Please, God, show me what I should do. I promise this time I will hear you. I will listen.” I went home from church and almost immediately, some minor thing set off my husband in a lamp-flying, dish-throwing tirade. The answer was clear.
I scheduled an appointment with the priest who had given the sermon. He was kind and non-judgmental. He explained what the church’s position on marriage was. The church considers a marriage a union of two people who love each other and treat each other with respect, he told me. The church does not believe someone should suffer at the hands of an abuser. The degrading abusive, relationship I was in was not a marriage in the eyes of the church. This man of the cloth erased any Catholic guilt.
By now, I was near term with my pregnancy. The stress was nearly unbearable, but I wanted to hang on until the baby was born. When my daughter was two months old, the final straw broke. After another tantrum, my husband called my father and told him he had better come and pick me up. He told my dad to hurry, or he wouldn’t recognize me when he got there. That night I called the police, had them stand outside while I gathered my children and a few things, and left for my parent’s house.
I have never had a single regret about my decision.
I still attend the Catholic Church. I respect the advice and insight given that day at my church. I appreciate that the church seems to have warmed to plight of adults who have faced the pain of divorce. The Catholic Church presently offers grief counseling and a listening ear through Stephen’s Ministers. I am thankful that the church now practices what it has preached for so many years—forgiveness and acceptance.
Linda’s note: N.H. tells me this marriage was annulled and she later married a non-Catholic in the church.
Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com
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12 Steps to a More Joyful Life after Divorce
30 Things to Do When You're Single
Forgiveness Self-Assessment
Resources for Healing from Spiritual Abuse
50 Divorce Recovery Books and Blogs
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Recommended Reading
Instone-Brewer, David. Divorce and Remarriage in the Church: Biblical Solutions for Pastoral Realities,
Divorce and Remarriage | Andrew Farley
Is Divorce the unforgivable sin? | Andrew Farley
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If you're interested in sharing your story of divorce and the response of other Christians, email Linda at Linda@LindaMKurth.com for guidelines.