Divorce Trauma and How to Heal

​My ex was suddenly in the room. 
“Let's pause the movie and make some popcorn,” he said, suggesting something we’d habitually done during our twenty-five-year marriage. I collapsed in a torrent of tears, knowing he couldn’t be real. We’d been divorced for three months, and he’d moved away. When I discovered he'd secretly remarried, I'd gone into shock. His apparition that evening was a sign of my struggle to deal with all that was happening to me. What I didn’t understand was that I was experiencing divorce trauma.

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Psychological trauma is damage to the mind that occurs as a result of a distressing event. Trauma is often the result of an overwhelming amount of stress that exceeds one's ability to cope, or integrate the emotions involved with that experience.  Wikipedia 

    The divorce and shock of discovering my ex-husband's duplicity brought up big, soul-wrenching questions: Who was I? Would I ever feel whole again?  Would I ever find love again? Then there were the more practical questions: Where would I live? What kind of lifestyle would my new financial situation provide? Would I have to find a job? Where would I find a church and local friends? (We had recently moved.) It seemed as if my entire future was a huge question mark, compromising my ability to cope.

 Trauma can be manifested in several ways

​​Trauma can be manifested in several ways  depending on the precise circumstances combined with the personality of the person experiencing it. If you’ve been divorced, you may recognize some of the symptoms on this partial list.

​sleeplessness
nightmares
feelings of going crazy
episodes of rage
feeling numb
flashbacks or hallucinations
fear and anxiety

​loss of appetite
deep sadness
guilt
self-blame
self-harm
replaying the memory of the traumatic event

In the aftermath of my divorce, I experienced several of the above (which I describe in my up-coming memoir). The good news is that my craziness after the trauma was typical and temporary. It was a phase, and phases pass. I couldn’t have articulated that truth at the time, but deep down, I understood it and was able to move forward.

Some ways you can 
heal and thrive after divorce

If your trauma is severe, seek expert help. In her book, Post-Divorce Bliss: Ending Us and Finding Me, life coach and author Jude Walsh describes the PTSD she experienced following her divorce. She sought out medication to help her sleep and embarked on talk therapy followed up by eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) and tapping. Talking with a therapist can help make sense of even the most senseless divorce. I found my first therapist was not a good fit and managed to switch to someone with whom I felt to be a better fit. (It’s okay to advocate for yourself!)

Acknowledge your pain and loss. Through counseling, Jude was able to recognize the emotional abuse she’d experienced in her marriage, which in turn, gave her more empathy for herself. I allowed myself to cry my eyes out and to drive down the freeway where no one could hear me screaming in anger at my ex. I found those behaviors very cathartic and didn’t feel a bit guilty about getting it all out.

Forgive yourself. Yes, you made mistakes in your marriage because you are human. Perhaps you’ve developed some bad habits reacting to your spouse’s hurtful behavior. Acknowledging your part will help you break those habits in the future. You may find you’ve developed more empathy for others by going through your present pain. Remember, you did the best with what you had at the time, but you don’t have to stay there. Practice honesty, self-forgiveness, and self-acceptance. Know you are evolving.

Develop an exercise routine. Body movement is an excellent way of relieving stress and tension. Jude explains how, in the beginning, she overdid her exercise, but realizing that, she was able temper it. I worked out with a trainer which gave me a schedule and someone to whom I was accountable. As I grew stronger physically, I grew emotionally too. Eventually I took up ballroom dancing which brought me much joy and increased my social as well as physical confidence.

Expand your social network. A good way to find single friends and talk out your problems at the same time is through a divorce recovery group. Hearing other stories of divorce can put your own experience in perspective. I also joined a singles group at a large church which gave me a sense of belonging and provided opportunities for friendship.

Take charge of your finances. If you’re not sure about your finances, find a financial advisor to help you understand and plan how you want to handle your situation now and in the future. Better to know the truth than to have financial unknowns hanging over your head.

Create new traditions. Holidays can be especially hard after your breakup. Trying to replicate your marital traditions is likely to bring pain rather than joy. My solution  for my first post-divorce Christmas was to join cousins. I so enjoyed catching up with them, and they made me laugh. Valentine’s Day can be even tougher. Single friends will likely be happy to join you in developing a new and meaningful celebration.

Stretch yourself. This might very well be an opportunity to reinvent your life. Try something you haven’t previously thought you were capable of doing. Go back to school, take up a new hobby, move to a new locale. What would it take to follow your dreams?

Don’t rush into a new romance. When you’re hurting, you’re vulnerable. Rushing into a new relationship could be a big mistake when you’re still recovering from trauma. You may believe this person will heal you, be the person you wish your ex had been, and fill the void in your life that was left when your marriage ended. Until you’re able to find yourself, you won’t have the discernment to choose a new partner. I waited a year after my divorce before dating again, and I'm so glad I did.

Practice gratitude. Let go of bitterness and practice an attitude of gratitude on a daily basis. As you wake up or go to bed, look for the blessing in your current situation. How has your life improved since your divorce? Hopefully you are now experiencing more peace and freedom in your life. One thing I loved about being single again was the ability to decorate my new place exactly as I wanted it. I gave my ex our big heavy furniture. Though I had a limited budget, I was able to go with a lighter look and feel. Every night, as devastated as I was, I thanked God for providing me with my needs, and for friends and family who came alongside me.

Understand you are in a trauma stage now. Take heart that stages do pass. If you are open to, and active in the healing process, life can become even better than before. That was certainly true for Jude. It was true for me. It's been true for countless others, and it can be true for you. 

​Blessings in your journey of recovery,

For more in-depth guidance on overcoming divorce trauma and forging a good, new life, check out Jude Walsh’s book, Post-Divorce Bliss: Ending Us and Finding Me.
You’ll discover my own story of marriage and divorce recovery in my upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce: A Transformative Journey out of Emotional and Spiritual Abuse.

Author

Linda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.
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I welcome your comments and feedback.