Divorcée Grieves as Christian Friends Abandon Her

​ I was surprised that they [Christian friends] would turn away from me in my time of need when I was feeling scared and needed support to move out.

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​​​This message to me opened old wounds. It's been twenty years since I divorced my husband, and yet, I immediately felt this woman's pain. I'd  had a similar unwelcome experience back then. Here's this readers' entire comment.

Reader's Comment
Thank you for your blog Linda. I am a Christian going through a divorce after 13 years of marriage. It was a situation of domestic violence and abuse, which was magnified with the quarantine of the past few months due to COVID-19. It became a safety issue for me and my son. I have made it to the stage of acceptance with divorcing my husband, but I was surprised that I am now going through the stages of grief for the few Christian friends I reached out to for help during this time who asked me to reconcile. I understand that divorce does not align with their views of marriage, but I’m not sure if this is a sign that these relationships are ending now too. I am hurt, and expected more. In these times, non believers and strangers have provided more love and support. Maybe it is a reminder I can only rely on God, and not to put hope or faith in my Christian community. If you have any thoughts or insights, I welcome them.

Sincerely,
Hurting Christian

As I continue writing for divorced Christians, I sometimes ask myself why I'm spending so much energy trying to raise awareness about divorce issues in the Christian community. I've thought perhaps that by now the majority of Christians and their churches have finally realized that God does not condemn us to harmful circumstances like marriages that can't be repaired. Don't they know He wants what's best for us? That being abused is the opposite?  My heart sank when I read this woman's words. I so wished I could hug her. I immediately thought, "What would Jesus do?" I believed I knew the answer: Jesus would hug her, and he'd tell her He understood, assuring her He was already walking beside her as she moved into an uncharted future.

​Those folks who call themselves Christians but turn their backs on hurting people, remind me of the Matthew 7: 9-11 (NIV) passage. "Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" Unfortunately, and obviously from my new friend's experience, we divorced Christians are still begging for grace and mercy. We are being given stones instead by certain segments of the Christian community.  

I've written several blog posts on this subject, the most comprehensive one is "My Perspective: What I Believe God Wants Us to Know About Christian Divorce." Having an intellectual understanding of this issue is helpful. However, I wanted my new friend to be comforted on a more personal emotional level. Here's what I felt the Lord wanted her to know:

Dear Hurting Christian,

My heart goes out to you in this difficult time. If only your Christian friends could understand the heart of Jesus, their response to you and your divorce would be so much different. Although I had good Christian friends who supported me, there were other Christian friends and acquaintances who condemned me for leaving my emotionally abusive husband. That's what has put me on this path of encouraging Christians and Christian churches to support those going through divorce. 

I understand your urge to "only rely on God," and I predict that, during this time, you will develop a deeper, more meaningful connection with the Lord that will last your lifetime. Someday, you may even be able to witness to the truth in Romans 8:28.  "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him." Let me assure you that the Lord "keeps all of your tears in a bottle." (Psalm 56:8 NLT) His heart grieves with you, and He has good plans for you going forward. "I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’” (Jeremiah 29:11). I'm not one to spout Bible verses, but I clung to these during my time of trial. 

I'd like to suggest you begin the process of finding good Christian people, some of whom may become friends. When I was going through my divorce, it helped me to join a Christian divorce recovery group, and eventually a Christian singles group. I made friends there who understood what I was going through. When you're ready, I hope you'll be able to download my PDF, 12 Steps to a More Joyful Life After Divorce. I promise you, you will experience joy once again.

Finally, I hope you are being kind to yourself. You were brave to leave, and learning how to live a different way is scary. I applaud you and am sending you virtual hugs. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

Blessings,

 If you are like my friend, and you've been hurt by your church and fellow Christians, I hope you'll come to understand they are not speaking for the Lord. I pray you seek out those who are mirror the Lord's love, and that you allow yourself to comforted by His care and provision. 

​Blessings,

Author

Linda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.
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Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com

I welcome your comments and feedback on this subject.