Forgiving Myself for Trying to Save My Marriage

Woman pleading with her husband

​"Have you considered forgiving yourself?” my counselor asked.

"I'm glad you're working on forgiving your ex-husband," he began. "But have you considered forgiving yourself?"

     I gasped. “What are you saying? I did the very best I could to keep our marriage together. In fact, I feel like a fool working so hard at it. It wasn’t until I discovered my husband’s affair that I finally gave up. I’m the victim here!”
     My counselor smiled indulgently. “I know, Linda, but that’s my point. You tried so hard and it didn’t work. As you just said, you ended up feeling like a fool. I suspect you’re not just carrying anger toward your ex, but toward yourself as well. This is an important step in freeing yourself from the trauma of living in a toxic relationship.”

     Through my counselor’s guidance, I discovered he was right about my displaced anger.

• I was angry with myself for falsely believing my husband would see the logic of living an emotionally healthy life and would eventually choose that path.
• I was angry with myself for attempting to convince myself that my husband’s good qualities outweighed the bad.
• I was angry with myself for not listening to my inner voice telling me my husband’s behavior was not acceptable and should not be tolerated.
• I was angry with myself for believing I had the power to change my husband’s behavior.
• I was angry with myself for trusting my husband would never willingly choose to hurt me emotionally.
• I was angry with myself for hanging on too long to a marriage that clearly was never going to heal.
• I was angry with myself for not trusting God and myself that I would have been okay had I left my marriage earlier.

Forgiving myself for these false notions took some work.
​I’m happy to report the results.

• I’ve made mistakes, but I’m human and I did the best I knew how. That has to be okay.

• I had invested much in my relationship, including having a child with my husband. I am not a quitter, and giving up on my marriage seemed like throwing out much of that investment. I now realize that the good returns on that investment were not worth the cost. I was right to call an end to it.
• I learned I can’t fix other people, but I don’t blame myself for attempting to help someone I loved.
• A propensity to see the best in people is not a character flaw. It comes from a loving heart. However, I’ve grown wiser about relationships from this experience.
• Despite my fears, I ultimately overcame them, leaving even when I couldn’t predict my future.
• My marriage and divorce has taught me valuable lessons. I’m much more capable than I once believed. When fear invades my thinking, I remind myself I’ve overcome a great deal and am capable of continuing to do so.
• I’ve learned to trust my God-given instincts and to act upon them.
• I’ve become better at self-care and have learned to respect myself. To be blunt, I’m no longer disposed to put up with crap.
• My trust in God has deepened. The Lord has proven His faithfulness to me over and over.

      The Bible tells us to put away all anger and bitterness. Freeing myself from self-recriminations has made a world of difference in being able to move forward and forge a new, happier life. If you’ve been carrying anger toward yourself, try making your own lists ... what things you're angry about, and how you choose to forgive yourself. I hope reading about my experience will help you move forward.

Wishing you every happiness,

Author

Linda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.
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​Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce?  Or encouraged? There are hurting people who would like to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com