How to Ask for Help after a Divorce

Photo by Hannah Busing on Unsplash

​Divorce can happen to the best of us and to the worst of us.

I recently heard a talk on how to help someone who is in crisis. The speaker stated that people experiencing trouble usually want to keep their problems to themselves, and the reason is often shame.​“Shame” is the first issue we need to address here, as it can keep you (the divorced person) from receiving the help you need and deserve. Divorce happens to the best of us and to the worst of us. 
     Fortunately, I felt no shame over my divorce and was open to receiving help. I was amazed and grateful for all the different ways I received help in the aftermath of my divorce, some of it I asked for, and some that seemed to miraculously appear. (You can read all about it in my recently published memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce.)

Shame often points to pride

     The feeling of shame over a divorce often points to pride. You can no longer claim to have the marriage and life you believe you should have or that you deserve. Whether or not your spouse was to blame or you were, your new circumstances are the same. You are experiencing the trauma of divorce and you can probably use some help. If you are feeling shame, I urge you to let it go. In doing so, you will be open to accepting the love and support that is waiting for you.

What to Ask For: Ten Suggestions

     Here are ten suggestions for friends, family, and professionals who might help you get through those first difficult weeks after your divorce. These folks may not know exactly what you need so go ahead and ask!

1. Seek professional counsel. Your insurance, your church, or a friend may have a recommendation for you. Choose someone who can understand where you’re at and where you want to be. Don’t be afraid to change counselors if your current one doesn’t feel like a good fit. In my own experience, my first counselor did not understand my Christian background. I advocated for myself and found one who understood. A certified professional counselor also has the authority to prescribe anti-depressant medication if needed.
2. Join a divorce recovery group. These are often sponsored by churches. There are also groups available online. Sharing your heartache and concerns with others in a safe environment and learning that you are not going through recovery alone can be very comforting.
3. Talk with a friend. Perhaps she has been through a divorce and has discovered ways to get through the trauma. Or she may just be happy to listen while you process.
4. Invite a friend to join you in binge-watching a favorite TV series … in your jammies. She may even be willing to spend the night as you adjust to being alone.​
5. Ask a friend to take your kids for a few hours of fun if you can’t manage taking them yourself. It’ll give you and your kids a much-needed break.
6. Your spouse probably took care of certain chores that now fall on you … maybe chores you don’t know how to do. Find someone who can teach you. Learning these new skills will help boost your self-confidence and feeling of empowerment.
7. Invite a friend to join you for a walk or to join an exercise class with you.
8. Your circumstances have changed, and you might find it necessary to ask a family member for money, something you wish you didn’t have to do. It will be important to the both of you to maintain a good relationship. Here’s a good article for how best to go about it: How to Ask Loved Ones for Money after Divorce 
9. Are you needing to change residences? Moving can be terribly taxing. If you have kids, ask friends if they can take care of them during the move. You don’t want anyone to put out their back hefting furniture, but perhaps friends can help you round up boxes and help you pack. Maybe other friends can provide refreshments.
10. Speaking of friends, know that not all of them will automatically be on your “side.” I had a few friends who didn’t understand why I left my husband, and they either disappeared or outright blamed me. If that happens to you, thank the Lord for friends who show their loyalty to you. Go ahead and lean on those who want to help.​

     Of course you will be reasonable in the amount of time and energy you ask a friend to spend on your behalf. But what if the person says “No”? Someone once told me, “You’ll never know until you make your move.” I’m amending that to “You’ll never know until you ask!” Trust that the “Nos” and “Yeses” you receive will be okay, that the help you truly need will be provided at the right time.

​Blessings to you on your journey,

Author

Linda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her new memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.

I welcome your comments and feedback.