Help and Healing for Divorced Christians
Recovering from Divorce?
Get Linda’s 12 Steps for a More Joyful Life after Divorce.
Recovering from Divorce?
Get Linda’s 12 Steps for a More Joyful Life after Divorce.
The Struggle to Forgive I knew that, as a Christian, I was supposed to forgive my ex. But I struggled, revisiting his many lies and the hurts he inflicted upon me. His betrayal haunted my nightmares and sprung up unbidden during the day. I could barely function. “Go ahead, Lord,” I urged, “roast him and toast him!” “Betrayed” had become the narrative of my life. What Forgiveness Looks Like Forgiveness is a Process, not a one time event I made an appointment with my new pastor, hoping he had the magic words that would help me with this task. “Forgiveness is absolutely necessary, and you should do it as soon as possible,” he responded. “Remember, God has forgiven both you and Jim.” He pointed to some of the passages in the Bible that deal with forgiveness. “For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.” Matthew 6:14 “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” Ephesians 4:31-32 There were more verses, and I knew them all. He might as well have said, “Just do it.” Did that help me? Of course not! I felt more shame and frustration for not being ready to forgive.  I hope by now that pastor has a better understanding of the forgiveness process. Forgiving doesn’t mean we immediately stop feeling hurt or we deny our feelings. I love what Nancy Richards, author of the memoir Mother, I Don’t Forgive You said in a recent interview with Kathy Pooler: “Forgiveness is not an event of immediacy. It’s not a bolt of lightning that brightens the soul and burns the pain to ashes. Forgiveness is a process; one that we must honor with our own healing timetable.” (1) By acknowledging our pain, not just with our heads but with our whole being, we open the door for healing and forgiveness.  How to forgive Ask God God wants us to forgive, but He doesn’t expect us to forgive on our own. He’s a patient God, waiting to help us on our journey of forgiveness when we’re ready to ask Him. Forgive yourself In his book Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don’t Deserve, Lewis B. Smedes wrote: “[Forgiveness] cannot heal our narcissistic resentments toward people for not being all that we expect them to be … Nobody can forgive people for being what they are.” (3) I had to shed the illusion that I could have somehow changed my ex into the person I thought he should be. Eventually I realized my resentment toward him was a waste of my good time. If I had anyone to forgive, it was me for being wrong in my belief I could fix him. I also needed to forgive myself for staying so long and letting him get away with his treatment of me.  Forgiveness doesn’t mean we shouldn’t protect ourselves We can forgive someone even when we don’t trust them. An ex-spouse who has hurt us and remains unrepentant cannot be expected to change because of our forgiveness. I was relieved when I decided to hand over my ex and his problems to God. My job was to take care of me and my stuff. I practiced dealing with my ex as I would a business arrangement, spending as little emotional energy as possible. When the situation called for it, I sought to remind him, in a neutral manner, of his better nature. (I confess it took me a while to get to this point.) Try empathy You probably know your ex better than anyone else. Try to imagine what drove him or her to the behaviors that hurt you so much. Would a healthy person do the same? Probably not. When I think of the parental abuse my ex endured during his childhood, my heart aches for him. That’s not to say I condone his actions, but it helps me see him as a vulnerable human being who didn’t have the capability of being the kind of spouse I needed or wanted. This realization has helped me forgive him. Get help I believe true forgiveness cannot be achieved in the midst of trauma. If you find yourself endlessly recycling hurt and anger as I did, get help. Many churches sponsor divorce recovery support groups led by people who understand what you’re going through. They’ll facilitate your learning how to heal and gain hope for your future. Individual counselors can be helpful, too. I took advantage of both. My counselor put me on anti-depressants until I was able to better cope. Through my divorce recovery group, I gained new friends as we negotiated our newly single lives. Healing and moving forward opened me to gradual forgiveness. Use a little humor Make a list of all your ex’s faults and put them together in a faux dating ad. Would you want to date that guy (or gal), let alone, be married to someone like that? No way! Understand your power to forgive In a Psychology Today article, Lisa Firestone writes, “Learning to forgive helps us to control our story and our feelings to avoid unnecessary pain. As powerful individuals, we can choose between living in a victim mode or an adult mode. In the latter state, we acknowledge and feel the full pain of what happened to us without getting stuck in a triggered state in which we feel it is still happening. We can feel our feelings without letting them overtake us.” (4)  Have I been able to forgive my ex, you ask. When some folks learn I’ve written a memoir about my marriage, divorce, and recovery, they assume I’ve done so to “get back” at him. Although there might have been some truth to that when I first began, revisiting my life has given me a more nuanced perspective. I see the whole man now, with both good and bad qualities. He’s someone I spent a great deal of my life with, and with whom I shared a now-grown child. I developed enough emotional distance now that he could no longer hurt me. I was able to have a long-distance cordial relationship with him throughout the rest of his life, leaving me with no regrets. Imagine you have the power to forgive. Can you feel your shoulders relax and your jaw unclench? Is your walk a little lighter? Just remember, forgiveness takes time. Be gentle with yourself as you follow the path of forgiveness, looking ahead to the many blessings that await you. Blessings,  AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her new memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.  I welcome your comments and feedback.
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 He’s broken your heart and left you for another. He calls and tells you he’s sorry. The thing is, he’s still with her. You mumble something and hang up. Questions swirl in your mind. Is he asking for forgiveness? He hasn’t asked in so many words, but you wonder if that’s his under- lying message. Does he deserve to be forgiven? Can you forgive? Do you want to? Why should you forgive? The scene I’ve described exemplifies many betrayal scenarios. In my case, my newly minted ex said he was sorry I was “hurting so much.” I considered that a non-apology, as he accepted no direct responsibility for my pain. Nevertheless, I wrestled with forgiveness. Does he have a guilty conscience? It would seem the hypothetical ex-spouse I’ve described is wrestling with a guilty conscience. You must admit that saying one is sorry is the beginning of repentance, but is that enough to prompt you to forgive? After all, your ex hasn’t undone the deed. His words seen hollow, and you don’t feel like forgiving him. Let’s say you don’t believe he’s really sorry. You can’t even think about forgiveness unless he’s really, truly sorry, right? Does he deserve your forgiveness? Okay, so maybe he’s genuinely sorry. You’re still deeply hurt. What he did to you was wrong, wrong, wrong, and you’ll never be the same. You’ve been told you should forgive anyway, but how can that be? You simply don’t have it in yourself to do so. As a Christian, I believed I should forgive my ex, but I didn’t know how. I went to my lead pastor and asked that question. He pointed out the passages in the Bible that address forgiveness … passages I was already familiar with. They all urged for- giveness, but I still didn’t understand how. I went to our singles ministry pastor, and not only did he say I should forgive, but that I should pray for my ex’s new marriage! No Way!  What do victims of unfaithfulness do with the struggle over forgiveness? Before you can forgive, you need to forgive yourself for being angry and unforgiving. You’ve suffered a major blow, and you need time to do some recovery work. You are not a bad person for not being ready to forgive. Why would you want to forgive? Unrelenting unforgiveness traps us in the past; hanging onto the pain only brings more pain. Forgiveness breaks the cycle of pain and victimhood we’ve been carrying and frees us emotionally from the person who’s hurt us. Rooting out unforgiveness leaves room for joy in new experiences. My friend, Debbie Hucke notes, “[Forgiveness] releases the flow of God’s grace and His healing power. By acknowledging your pain, not just with your head but with your whole being, you open the door for healing and forgiveness.” Want to know how to forgive? |
 Photo by Ben White on Unsplash | God wants loving marriages. Satan wants cruel marriages. Those words jumped out at me as I read Gretchen Baskerville’s book, The Life Saving Divorce. In my memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, I describe a scene in which my Christian counselor declares, “If you divorce, Satan wins!” I wish I had known Baskerville’s statement, but I’m proud of myself for expressing similar thoughts. |
Even though the counselor’s words sent me into shock, I had the presence of mind to reply, “Satan has already won. Satan won when Jim broke our marriage covenant by not loving or honoring me. He’s addicted to his work and his religious pursuits. To me, that’s being unfaithful. And he refuses to acknowledge those actions that have driven us apart and to ask for forgiveness.”
Baskerville explains, “Satan loves the fact that innocent spouses and children are bound to someone who devastates them, humiliates them, betrays them, and treats them treacherously … Jesus isn’t like that. Jesus came to set people free.”
It took me years to fully understand this truth, but now that I’m free, I’m all about spreading the word. If you are in an abusive relationship, I want you to know that God loves you and wants the best for you. What is “the best”? To be loved, to be cherished, and to be safe from abuse of all kinds. If you do not have that kind of relationship and are suffering emotionally or physically, trust God and His helpers here on earth to assist you in finding the care and safety you need.
Blessings,
Baskerville explains, “Satan loves the fact that innocent spouses and children are bound to someone who devastates them, humiliates them, betrays them, and treats them treacherously … Jesus isn’t like that. Jesus came to set people free.”
It took me years to fully understand this truth, but now that I’m free, I’m all about spreading the word. If you are in an abusive relationship, I want you to know that God loves you and wants the best for you. What is “the best”? To be loved, to be cherished, and to be safe from abuse of all kinds. If you do not have that kind of relationship and are suffering emotionally or physically, trust God and His helpers here on earth to assist you in finding the care and safety you need.
Blessings,
P.S. My blog post “Resources for Victims of Domestic Violence and Their Advocates” might be a good start for finding the help you need.
Author
Linda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her new memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.
I welcome your comments and feedback.
Have you ever been betrayed by someone close to you? If that person had been your spouse, the impact was probably enormous. You likely experienced a range of emotions, one of which was probably rage. I certainly did.
In my memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, I tell about driving the freeway, pounding the steering wheel, and yelling all the obscenities I could think of, frustrated I didn't know more! I confess there were moments I wished him dead, suggesting the Lord “roast him and toast him.” "Time wounds all heals," I often quipped.
Time has passed and, thanks be to God, I've been able to move on in big and little ways. The other day I received a call from my son. “Dad died today,” he said. I heard resignation in his voice.
I was not surprised, knowing my ex had been ailing for a while. Throughout our twenty-five year marriage, I’d encouraged him to take care of himself but he’d refused. I felt sad for our son who had inherited his father’s high intellect and sense of humor. They'd been close in the early years but had been distant in the many years since. Any opportunity to change that is now gone forever. And, since our son is an only child, is single, and has no children, his dad's passing means he is left with significantly fewer family connections.
As for me, I’d forgiven my ex of his emotional abuse and betrayal long-ago. I feel sad he was never able to overcome the abuse he received as a child. But, I’m also happy for him. I believe he’s finally at peace in his Father’s arms, feeling the unconditional love he longed for and never found here on earth.
Blessings,
Author
Linda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her new memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.
I welcome your comments and feedback.
Recently, a teacher friend - a Christian - posted an account of one of her middle-grade students loudly proclaiming she was a horrible person because she had been divorced four times. This student was mistaken - she had been divorced twice - but I find his mistake irrelevant.
We cannot know what was behind the student’s anger, but my question is, why did this young person choose the subject of divorce in his outburst? Isn’t the shame of divorce a thing of the past?
From some of the messages I get from readers of this blog and from other readings, I get the sense that a significant number of conservative Christians continue to look on divorce as a morally wrong decision. To determine if my hunch was correct, I did a little Googling and a little calculation.
From some of the messages I get from readers of this blog and from other readings, I get the sense that a significant number of conservative Christians continue to look on divorce as a morally wrong decision. To determine if my hunch was correct, I did a little Googling and a little calculation.
The Good News
“Very religious” Christians have typically been against divorce. But, according to a Gallup poll, with many states passing no-fault divorce laws in the 1970’s, a majority of this group now believe divorce is morally acceptable. For those of us who believe that God accepts divorce in a number of circumstances, and, in fact, allows the suffering spouse to be free of abuse and neglect, that’s great news!
This does not answer my question, though, concerning the actual number who still believe divorce is morally wrong. Is it small enough for us to dismiss, believing there will always be a few who hold on to their belief about the evils of divorce? Why worry?
This does not answer my question, though, concerning the actual number who still believe divorce is morally wrong. Is it small enough for us to dismiss, believing there will always be a few who hold on to their belief about the evils of divorce? Why worry?
And yet ...
A poll in 2018 found that twenty percent of adult Americans believed that divorce was morally wrong. (https://www.statista.com/statistics/218524/americans-moral-stance-towards-divorce/) I believe that number has decreased somewhat since, but we can make some educated guesses. Working with those numbers, how many people represent that twenty percent? Forty million. Let that sink in. Forty million! I don’t know about you, but to me, that seems pretty significant. Sure, that number is shrinking, but in the meantime, this belief continues to trap a great many women and some men in marriages they don’t dare leave.
What the Bible says
Why is that, and where does that belief come from? One of the most often biblical verses used to support the “morally wrong” divorce stance is Jesus’ words in Matthew 19:9: “And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.” Church leaders have claimed that adultery by one’s spouse is the only reason for divorce. If the decision to divorce is for any other reason, it is an “unforgiveable sin.” Neither idea is supported by most serious Bible scholars. (The only unforgiveable sin is blaspheming the Holy Spirit. Matthew 12:31-32)
Also, there are the words of the apostle Paul about marriage: “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church …” (Ephesians 5:22-23). Too many men have taken this to mean that they are the bosses of their wives, but they ignore the previous verse: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Paul was talking about mutual submission of husband and wife, but, again, this part has been ignored.
Have you read that God hates divorce? Some translations of Malachi 2:17 say that, but newer translations have revised that verse. I’m quite sure God does not love divorce, but even He found it necessary to divorce Israel for her adulteries, which were not sexual. (Jeremiah 3:8)
Also, there are the words of the apostle Paul about marriage: “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church …” (Ephesians 5:22-23). Too many men have taken this to mean that they are the bosses of their wives, but they ignore the previous verse: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Paul was talking about mutual submission of husband and wife, but, again, this part has been ignored.
Have you read that God hates divorce? Some translations of Malachi 2:17 say that, but newer translations have revised that verse. I’m quite sure God does not love divorce, but even He found it necessary to divorce Israel for her adulteries, which were not sexual. (Jeremiah 3:8)
How these texts are used
Looking at these narrow interpretations of the Bible, we can begin to understand how unethical church leaders and husbands yearning for dominance can use these verses against women. This is called “spiritual abuse,” and here’s my definition of this type of behavior: “Keeping a person under control with misapplied biblical verses.” Another word for it is “brainwashing.” A wife, believing she must submit to her husband, is set up for abuse.
Should she protest in some way, her husband, church elders, or a pastor, may harass and humiliate her, accusing her of sinning. These actions might very well cause psychological trauma, making her distrust her own instinct for justice or even survival. If she finds the strength to leave, she not only may lose her Christian community, her source of emotional and spiritual support, but may feel she has lost God.
In a guest post on this blog (Deep Wounds Remain), the writer described how the church treated her when she went to the pastor for help dealing with her husband’s infidelity. “It was suggested I confess before the church for any part I might have had in leading to my husband’s wanderings. He wasn’t asked to acknowledge his wrong doings, and he didn’t volunteer … once counseling started, I was completely ostracized by the other women in the church.”
Another guest posted (Liberation from the Patriarchal Church), “Over the years I realized the church betrayed me and our daughter. Its focus was on my staying in the marriage, being complicit in keeping order over myself and our child, and assuming blame for his behavior. A good woman could turn him around. After the divorce, within church walls or teachings, I gained no comfort. I was the woman who had a failed marriage. The status of my husband in this failure was of no matter. Anger and disappointment led me from institutional religion. I stay away to protect my heart, mind, and soul.”
In a guest post on this blog (Deep Wounds Remain), the writer described how the church treated her when she went to the pastor for help dealing with her husband’s infidelity. “It was suggested I confess before the church for any part I might have had in leading to my husband’s wanderings. He wasn’t asked to acknowledge his wrong doings, and he didn’t volunteer … once counseling started, I was completely ostracized by the other women in the church.”
Another guest posted (Liberation from the Patriarchal Church), “Over the years I realized the church betrayed me and our daughter. Its focus was on my staying in the marriage, being complicit in keeping order over myself and our child, and assuming blame for his behavior. A good woman could turn him around. After the divorce, within church walls or teachings, I gained no comfort. I was the woman who had a failed marriage. The status of my husband in this failure was of no matter. Anger and disappointment led me from institutional religion. I stay away to protect my heart, mind, and soul.”
My Own Experience
 | Why is this issue so important to me? In my memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce: A Transformative Journey Out of Emotional and Spiritual Abuse, I describe three instances when biblical teachings were used to shame me as I made the difficult decision to divorce. “If you divorce, Satan wins,” my counselor declared. She intimated that I would be vulnerable to demonic influence because I had not given control of my life over to my husband. |
Once I made the decision to leave, I received a three-page letter from a friend of my husband claiming my decision was “out of God’s will. I see you wanting to control [your husband] … he was your head. He is not accountable to you but to God. … I see you as an incredibly controlling person and it is time for you to fall on your face before the great Counselor Jesus. God can soften your stiff neck and heart of stone, but it will be His way or no way. … I recommend you find a church where there is strong male headship and no compromising of clear scripture.” And on it went.
The third instance of being rejected for my choice to divorce was when I began searching for a new church. I’d attended one a few times and chatted with the pastor. Since I thought perhaps it would be a good fit for me, I had a more lengthy discussion with him. When I told him that I had divorced my husband, his demeanor changed. “Oh!” he exclaimed, “Since you were the one to decide to divorce, you could never be a full member of this church. I suggest you look into the church down the road where there is a large singles group.”
You can imagine the hurt and anger I felt over my husband’s friend’s words. I wrote him back, telling him how much he had hurt me. (You can read about his response to that in my memoir.) And that although shocking, my counselor’s declaration helped me tap into what I truly knew about God. I knew He wept with me over the pain of my husband’s rejection, and He cared for me so much more than he cared about preserving my marriage. Once I understood that, I was able to brush off that pastor’s response about not being welcome in his church. I believed God would deal with him and the church in due time, and I found love and support in the church down the road.
The third instance of being rejected for my choice to divorce was when I began searching for a new church. I’d attended one a few times and chatted with the pastor. Since I thought perhaps it would be a good fit for me, I had a more lengthy discussion with him. When I told him that I had divorced my husband, his demeanor changed. “Oh!” he exclaimed, “Since you were the one to decide to divorce, you could never be a full member of this church. I suggest you look into the church down the road where there is a large singles group.”
You can imagine the hurt and anger I felt over my husband’s friend’s words. I wrote him back, telling him how much he had hurt me. (You can read about his response to that in my memoir.) And that although shocking, my counselor’s declaration helped me tap into what I truly knew about God. I knew He wept with me over the pain of my husband’s rejection, and He cared for me so much more than he cared about preserving my marriage. Once I understood that, I was able to brush off that pastor’s response about not being welcome in his church. I believed God would deal with him and the church in due time, and I found love and support in the church down the road.
My hope is that the use of “divorce” as a dirty word will soon fade into the past and will cease to be an undeserved source of shame and judgment. Instead, the church will treat the divorced Christian with compassion, and I've written a comprehensive blog post on this subject: "Domestic Abuse and Faith: How Churches Can Help Instead of Hurt." In a videotaped interview sponsored by Village Books of Bellingham, Washington, I was recently asked what I would like churches to do for divorced people. “Love on them,” I replied. “Just love on them.”
Blessings to you,
Blessings to you,
Resources used in this post:
https://news.gallup.com/poll/213677/divorce-rate-dips-moral-acceptability-hits-new-high.aspx
https://www.pewforum.org/2018/08/29/the-religious-typology/
https://www.statista.com/statistics/218524/americans-moral-stance-towards-divorce/
https://news.gallup.com/poll/213677/divorce-rate-dips-moral-acceptability-hits-new-high.aspx
https://www.pewforum.org/2018/08/29/the-religious-typology/
https://www.statista.com/statistics/218524/americans-moral-stance-towards-divorce/
Author
Linda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her new memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.
I welcome your comments and feedback.
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It wasn’t until I went to my fifth or sixth counselor that I learned my husband was a “crazymaker” and what that meant. In my just-published memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce: A Transformative Journey Through Emotional and Spiritual Abuse, I include a scene with that counselor.
“Confusion and shame is exactly what crazymakers want their victims to feel. All these things you’ve told me about Jim—saying one thing and then later, the opposite without acknowledging the difference, his lack of empathy for your physical and emotional state, trying to make you seem the bad one in the relationship, encouraging you to doubt your feelings—they convince me he’s a crazymaker,” she told me.
My counselor warned me that crazymakers are not likely to change. I didn't have the tools to try to effect that change, and, after twenty-five years, I finally left. It wasn’t until I began writing my memoir that I understood the extent of my husband’s crazymaking.
“Confusion and shame is exactly what crazymakers want their victims to feel. All these things you’ve told me about Jim—saying one thing and then later, the opposite without acknowledging the difference, his lack of empathy for your physical and emotional state, trying to make you seem the bad one in the relationship, encouraging you to doubt your feelings—they convince me he’s a crazymaker,” she told me.
My counselor warned me that crazymakers are not likely to change. I didn't have the tools to try to effect that change, and, after twenty-five years, I finally left. It wasn’t until I began writing my memoir that I understood the extent of my husband’s crazymaking.
Here are eight of several types of crazymaking behavior
Crazymakers will--
These are but a few of the techniques crazymakers use to gain control over their close relations. Please note that my references here are all about men, but women can be crazymakers, too. If you suspect you are dealing with a crazymaker, I suggest you get counseling with a professional who understands this personality type.
As for my question, did my husband love me? You'll have to read the memoir.
Blessings,
Crazymakers will--
- try to convince their partners that they are defective in some way, making their partner more emotional, more needy or dependent.
- commit to doing something when they really don’t want to do it and then finding a way out at the last minute.
- force their partner to make an important decision, then blame their partner for any perceived negative outcomes as a result of that decision.
- “over-tease” their partners. If their partners object, they accuse the partner of being “too sensitive.”
- provoke their partner to anger, then accuse the partner of being an angry, difficult person.
- change their minds, but deny they have done so.
- pretend to be supportive, but then sabotage their partner.
- demonstrate little concern for the partner’s physical or emotional well-being.
These are but a few of the techniques crazymakers use to gain control over their close relations. Please note that my references here are all about men, but women can be crazymakers, too. If you suspect you are dealing with a crazymaker, I suggest you get counseling with a professional who understands this personality type.
As for my question, did my husband love me? You'll have to read the memoir.
Blessings,
Resources: Psychology Today’s article, “How to Handle a Crazymaker,” explains crazymaking and offers suggestions for dealing with this personality type. David Hawkins’ book, Dealing with the Crazymakers in Your Life, is also helpful.
Author
Linda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her new memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.
I welcome your comments and feedback.
Curtesy DepositPhotos I liken my divorce experience to that of an imaginary woman I’ll call Anna. Anna had lived for a long time with a diseased leg that caused a persistent dull ache. At times, significant sharp pains brought her to tears. Nevertheless, she could get around on that leg, even though it pained her and even though it sometimes felt as if it would collapse.
Finally, though, the pain became so great and the leg so weak, it threatened Anna’s overall health and had to be removed. The surgery was extremely painful.
What a shock to Anna's system!
Afterwards, Anna had to learn to use a crutch. The crutch was restrictive and made her clumsy. Sometimes she wished she still had her old leg, as unhealthy as it was. Nevertheless, she clung to the belief that she would eventually be okay, and she kept trying to walk. As she did, she felt her body changing. One day, to her shock, she discovered a new leg had miraculously begun to grow from the scars of the missing leg.
As Anna kept moving forward, the leg continued to grow until it was a completely new leg, even better than her original one--stronger yet more flexible. She no longer needed the crutch. For the first time in a very long time, Anna could run and hop and twirl and dance. She discovered new moves she’d neve dreamed she could make. She felt more joyful, more confident. Anna wasn’t simply as good as new; she was different, better—more lovely and more loving than she’d been, even before her limb had become diseased. Anna lived the rest of her life in deep gratitude for this rebirth.
As Anna kept moving forward, the leg continued to grow until it was a completely new leg, even better than her original one--stronger yet more flexible. She no longer needed the crutch. For the first time in a very long time, Anna could run and hop and twirl and dance. She discovered new moves she’d neve dreamed she could make. She felt more joyful, more confident. Anna wasn’t simply as good as new; she was different, better—more lovely and more loving than she’d been, even before her limb had become diseased. Anna lived the rest of her life in deep gratitude for this rebirth.
Yes, I was like Anna.
My long-term marriage wasn’t good, but I’d learned to live with the dull ache of feeling things weren’t right. I did my best to repair what was broken, but I was not powerful enough to heal our relationship. There came a point when I had to wrench myself free. The result was terribly painful, as if I’d cut off a limb. Still, I clung to the believe that God cared for me and that I would eventually be healed.
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28
Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. But even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows. Matthew 10:29-31.
Just like Anna, not only did I survive, I learned to thrive. I found resilience, confidence, and joy. I learned to dance! Divorce survivors discover that no matter how tough it was to leave, their lives can be better than ever.
My friends, you may be hurting now from your divorce experience, but have faith. Keep on walking and trust God you will come out on the other side, stronger and more joyful.
Blessings,
My friends, you may be hurting now from your divorce experience, but have faith. Keep on walking and trust God you will come out on the other side, stronger and more joyful.
Blessings,
For autographed copy of my memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, click here to go to the order page on my website. I use inexpensive media mail, and there’s no charge for packaging. Just $16.99 plus tax and $2.80 for shipping. The book can also be ordered through several online bookstore.
Author
Linda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through a divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace. Contact her: Linda@LindaMKurth.com
I welcome your comments and feedback.
If someone had told me I would be discussing the Bible with my critique friend, I’d say that person was dreaming.
Not going to happen. Nope. Never. Not that I would be averse to such a discussion, but I was sure she wouldn’t go for it. She’d wondered why choosing to divorce my husband had been such a struggle. “I’d never put up with that ****,” she declared. “I’d tell him to go where the sun never shines!” In frustration and jest, she inadvertently named my memoir. “Just call it God, the Devil, and Divorce,” she cracked. I seized on her suggestion and ran with it, as it perfectly describes all three elements of my story. Additionally, the title is controversial, and controversy tends to sell books.
Nevertheless, I figured my friends deserved a copy.
The paperback version of the memoir will be released until March, but I have copies on hand. I figured my friend deserved one for her contribution even though I wasn’t sure she’d bother to read it. A few days later she surprised me with a call. I was even more surprised with what she had to say.
" I get it!"
"I just finished your book, and I get it!" she declared. "You were wrestling with what you'd been taught versus what you came to believe. I was a Sunday School kid like you, but when I became an adult, I thought most of what I was taught was false, and I turned my back on religion. But you point out in your book that we weren't always given the full story of what the bible says, like the part where it says wives need to submit to their husbands. Our teachers neglected the rest of that passage where it says husbands should submit to their wives as well—it's a mutual submission. That makes sense!"
“Right!” I replied. “Unfortunately, the true meaning of some passages in the Bible have been obscured over the centuries, either by skewed translations or by church leaders who couldn’t get past their own prejudices.
“Men, I’m sure,” she said.
“Right!” I replied. “Unfortunately, the true meaning of some passages in the Bible have been obscured over the centuries, either by skewed translations or by church leaders who couldn’t get past their own prejudices.
“Men, I’m sure,” she said.
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| "Pretty much," I agreed. "Thankfully, many men and women Bible scholars of today are working to understand what those passages were originally meant to convey. Unfortunately, there are too many church leaders who still cling to a misogynistic Bible interpretation, claiming God has declared men should rule over women. When a marriage falls apart, wives are blamed and shamed. I’m trying to shine a light on this problem in the Christian community." |  |
My friend’s response is what I'm hoping for—readers resonating with my story, understanding the struggle and its resolution. Maybe they’ll even consider new Bible translations and come to a better understanding of Christ’s teachings that men and women have equal value and should be equally loved and respected.
Blessings,
Blessings,
P.S. Email me to purchase an autographed copy. I use inexpensive media mail, and there’s no charge for packaging. Just $16.99 plus tax and $2.80 for shipping. Linda@Lindamkurth.com. The book can also be pre-ordered through several online bookstore.
Author
Linda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace. Contact Linda: Linda@LindaMKurth.com
Going through a divorce can be a lonely experience, especially if no one in your circle of friends has been through it herself or is giving you bad advice. The good news for you is that we're here to help. Three of us have been through divorce and come out stronger and happier on the other side. Our fourth author is a counselor and expert on loss. She's learned to be content living alone after being widowed. We’re eager to share our experiences and expertise to help you survive and flourish too.
Here's who we are and how our books can possibly help you.
- Sonia Frontera: Sonia is a divorce lawyer with a heart. She is the survivor of a toxic marriage who is now happily remarried. She integrates the wisdom acquired through her personal journey, her professional experience and the lessons of the world's leading transformational teachers and translates it into guidance that is insightful and practical. She is a Certified Canfield Success Principles Trainer and offers inspirational workshops and retreats. Through the years, Sonia has supported domestic violence survivors as an advocate, speaker and empowerment trainer.
- Sonia's website for more information and to sign up for her newsletter: https://www.soniafrontera.com
Relationship Solutions: Effective Strategies to Heal Your Heart and Create the Happiness You Deserve (The Sister's Guides to Empowered Living Book 3)
Sonia’s book is a clear-eyed look at what holds a marriage together and what tears it apart. Sonia’s writing is both practical and lively, coming across as a dear friend who desires the best for her reader. I chuckled over many of her self-directed questions: “Are you just getting a taste of the good stuff? Or is it the main course? Do you feel like you’re served a 3-shrimp cocktail followed by a huge mound of box mashed potatoes?” Her questions in the “Reflections” section are more serious and probing, revealing the her attorney side. As a divorced woman of faith, I especially appreciated her advice. “Do not give up on your faith because your decision to divorce is incompatible with dogma.” Sonia’s book covers all the concerns I had before, during, and after my divorce. If I’d her book back then, I’m sure making the decisions I had to make would have been easier.
- Brenda is an award-winning and best-selling author of 10 books with more than 700,000 copies sold. She's written 100s of articles, radio scripts, short stories, and inspirational devotionals. She's taught college and university composition; is a popular speaker at service organizations, women's retreats, writers conferences, and press conventions; and she conducts workshops on all aspects of creative and professional writing.
- Brenda's website and to sign up for her newsletter: https://brendawilbee.com
Taming the Dragons: Choices for Women in Conflict and Pain
Dealing with huge personal problems such as divorce demands us to draw on all the courage and faith we can muster. Brenda draws on examples of overcomers from mythology, fairy tales, history, the Bible, and personal experiences. She shows readers there is always something a woman can do to change her circumstances for the better, no matter how small that change may be. Reading her book opened my eyes to ways little, creative actions can ultimately pave the way for big positive changes. Each chapter ends with “Something to Think About” that includes relevant Bible verses and questions about how you can apply the chapter’s theme to your own life. A unique, entertaining, and encouraging book for all women.
Marlene Anderson: Marlene is a licensed therapist who shares her training, love of God and life experiences through writing and speaking engagements. She is passionate about sharing God’s great love and transforming power and helping every woman discover her potential. Marlene encourages and motivates others who are going through tough times.
- Marlene's website and to sign up for her newsletter: https://focuswithmarlene.com
Learning to Live Again in a New World: A Journey from Loss to New Life
In her book, Marlene addresses four stages of grieve and provides suggestions on how to deal with each one. Her compassion shines through, having experienced a tragic loss herself. As a licensed therapist, her prescriptions for recovery are clear and practical. The two appendixes offer additional information on working through difficult grief emotions and offering and receiving support. There is a study guide at the end of the book that can be used in group settings. Having gone through a divorce and the grief that followed myself, I gladly recommend this book to people struggling to recover from divorce.
Linda M. Kurth: I write memoir, romance, and non-fiction for adults. For children, I write fantasy and non-fiction. Deciding to divorce my crazymaking husband was the most difficult decision I ever had to make. Condemnation from conservative Christian acquaintances piled on the heartbreak. I wrote this memoir to help other Christian women who are going through divorce.
- Linda's blog and to sign up for her newsletter: https://www.lindamkurth.com/divorce-healing-blog
- Email Linda: linda@lindamkurth.com
God, the Devil, and Divorce: A Transformative Journey out of
Emotional and Spiritual Abuse
Emotional and Spiritual Abuse
After more than 20 years of marriage, Linda is shaken when her pastor/counselor suggests her husband is a “crazymaker.” This news opens her eyes to the emotional abuse that has been going on for years. After a heartbreaking move, she brings up the subject of divorce with a new counselor. “If you divorce, Satan wins!” the counselor tells her. Linda questions this statement and intensifies her quest to understand God’s will. She ultimately determines He loves her more than the institution of marriage. Trusting Him, she risks an unknown future when she decides to divorce. Her journey of recovery is inspiring.
Each one of these books has a wealth of information and inspiration. Discover what speaks to you best and go for it! We're rooting for you!
Blessings,
Blessings,
 | “Happy Birthday, Sweetie,” my husband murmured sleepily as we awoke yesterday morning. I turned and kissed him, silently thanking God for the man He’d sent me eighteen years earlier. |
I receive letters from newly divorced readers of my blog worried that they might never find true love. I tell them I understand their fears. I’ve been where they are now. Back then I’d dreamt of a third chance at love and a satisfying marriage. But what were the odds of me finding someone at my age?
“God doesn’t operate by numbers and percentages,” a friend reminded me as I worked on recovering from the demise of my twenty-five-year marriage — the one that was supposed to last the rest of my life. Here I was, 55 years old and trying to figure out my life.
“God doesn’t operate by numbers and percentages,” a friend reminded me as I worked on recovering from the demise of my twenty-five-year marriage — the one that was supposed to last the rest of my life. Here I was, 55 years old and trying to figure out my life.
I knew I needed healing and self-discovery before considering dating again.
I knew I needed healing and self-discovery before considering dating again. After going through counseling and “graduating” from several months of a divorce recovery class, I decided to branch out in new ways, including ballroom dancing. I began taking lessons and had the first genuine laugh I’d experienced since the divorce. I discovered I had a natural talent in that area, and it became a vehicle for interacting with men in a safe environment.
I made new friends through a singles group at church, and I purchased my own home. I decided to build a career for myself and went back to school. It had been years since I’d pursued academics, and those first classes were a challenge. Conquering them, though, increased my self-confidence.
I made new friends through a singles group at church, and I purchased my own home. I decided to build a career for myself and went back to school. It had been years since I’d pursued academics, and those first classes were a challenge. Conquering them, though, increased my self-confidence.
When I felt ready to date, it was simply for male companionship. I made a vow to remain celibate until the right man came along and we married even though that meant I might be celibate for the rest of my life. Most dates weren’t too happy that I wasn’t into having sex with them, but this decision protected me from making choices based solely on emotion and physical attraction.
As I became more serious about finding someone special, I wrote down thirty — THIRTY! — characteristics in a man I’d want as a husband. I told the Lord I was in no hurry, and please, “don’t give me any substitutes.” Then, one evening, I met a guy who seemed nice enough, although his dancing skills weren’t up to my level. He soon fixed that by taking lessons. We talked frankly about ourselves and our beliefs, and I made him take personality tests! After earning the seal of approval from our church counselors, we were married six months later. He is the love of my life.
As I became more serious about finding someone special, I wrote down thirty — THIRTY! — characteristics in a man I’d want as a husband. I told the Lord I was in no hurry, and please, “don’t give me any substitutes.” Then, one evening, I met a guy who seemed nice enough, although his dancing skills weren’t up to my level. He soon fixed that by taking lessons. We talked frankly about ourselves and our beliefs, and I made him take personality tests! After earning the seal of approval from our church counselors, we were married six months later. He is the love of my life.
My recovery took time and had its setbacks.
My recovery took time and had its setbacks, but I made progress. To sum up, here are the actions and decisions I made that brought me to my current state of “married bliss.”
- I sought help through counseling and a divorce recovery class.
- I sought a fun activity that gave me confidence in my body and brought joy to my life.
- I found friends in a singles ministry.
- I furthered my education, positioning me to take better financial care of myself. This was another confidence booster.
- I was brave enough to make big decisions (buying my own home).
- As a single woman, I took time to get to know men in a safe environment.
- I remained celibate while single. (This one is biblical.)
- I knew what I wanted in a marriage partner. (Thirty things were a bit excessive but served as a good guideline.)
- I was willing to wait and trust God for the right man.
- Before making the decision to marry, we were purposeful in getting to know one another well.
- We sought in-depth counseling through the church before marrying.
Writing about our courtship was my favorite piece of completing my memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce. If you’re wondering if you’ll ever find love again, I hope that by knowing my journey, you might be encouraged.
Blessings,
Blessings,
Author
Linda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. She is the author of God, the Devil, and Divorce: A Transformative Journey out of Emotional and Physical Abuse, available in paperback and as an eBook.
In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her blog posts, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.
Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com
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12 Steps to a More Joyful Life after Divorce
30 Things to Do When You're Single
Forgiveness Self-Assessment
Resources for Healing from Spiritual Abuse
50 Divorce Recovery Books and Blogs
12 Steps to a More Joyful Life after Divorce
30 Things to Do When You're Single
Forgiveness Self-Assessment
Resources for Healing from Spiritual Abuse
50 Divorce Recovery Books and Blogs
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What I believe God wants us to know about Christian divorce.
Recommended Reading
Instone-Brewer, David. Divorce and Remarriage in the Church: Biblical Solutions for Pastoral Realities,
Divorce and Remarriage | Andrew Farley
Is Divorce the unforgivable sin? | Andrew Farley
Quoting and Linking
Unless otherwise noted, all contents © 2017 Linda M. Kurth. If you quote this blog, please cite and provide a link back. Thank you.
If you're interested in sharing your story of divorce and the response of other Christians, email Linda at Linda@LindaMKurth.com for guidelines.