Chances are you know someone like her. I’d chatted with her a couple of times and noticed other people had kindly stopped to talk with her, too. But she doesn’t seem to have any real connection with any of us. I understand, as my spirit always takes a nosedive when I think about engaging with her followed by guilt for wanting to turn away. Oh sure, she’s clean and articulate, and I’ve discovered she’s quite creative and talented. Now here comes the “but”: she’s the perfect poster child for the Debbie Downers of this world. For sake of anonymity, let’s call her “Deb.” Don’t worry about her seeing this post and recognizing herself … she doesn’t have access to the Internet and her computer is in storage. And that's just the beginning. Deb has many more reasons to be down on life as I found out that day. The big number one is that she’s currently homeless and couch surfing. She’s struggling with getting unemployment pay. Being homeless, she can’t do her drawing because it takes up too much room and, besides, all her materials are in storage with her computer …. storage she’s struggling to pay. She misses her cat, which is staying with a “friend” who won’t let her see the cat. And on it goes. What tipped the scales for me though, was when she lamented that the treats the church was serving that day … apple crisp, carrot cake, and apple bread … weren’t cookies instead. I do feel sorry for her, and I’m frustrated that all I seem to be able to offer her are my sympathies and prayer. I’ve given up trying to make any suggestions. They are always met with “Yes, but …” replies. To be honest, I’m tired of hearing her sad story which never includes a positive note. My question is what am I going to do about my relationship with this woman? I think that very question is an approach that may help me answer the question. Sound convoluted? Be patient. I will eventually explain. First I'm going to go global and examine trauma and a radical method of overcoming it. Let’s look at three examples of people who were in unhappy circumstances and what they did about it. In her book, Taming the Dragons: Choices for Women in Conflict and Pain, Brenda Wilbee demonstrates to readers that there is always something we can do to change our circumstances for the better, no matter how small that change may be. One of her examples describes the horrible night her volatile ex-husband arrived and took many household items he declared to be his. That included her children’s only form of entertainment, their record player. Although Brenda was reluctant to stand up for herself, her motherlove propelled her to advocate for her kids. She summoned her courage and called her ex. Think how difficult that must have been, afraid he would be nasty, struggling to keep her body and her voice from shaking, trying to remain rational. As calmly as she could, she explained what the record player meant to their children. His response surprised her. Within the week, he brought a smaller player they could enjoy. Brenda was able to make a positive change by accepting that her ex’s behavior was awful. But, just maybe, if she made a small request without resorting to anger, she could cause the situation to become a little better.  An Oslo, Norway man had responsibilities which kept him from spending significant blocks of time camping, but he very much missed spending time in the forest. Accepting this reality, he came up with a simple plan … something he could do. He would spend one night in the same spot in the forest every month for a year. During that year, he learned “In the woods, there is no one to help you and nothing is going to get better unless you do something about it.” He observed each time he went into the woods, “that something had changed,” and that included himself. Maybe we’re caught by surprise, hardly able to believe the kind of situation in which we find ourselves. “Unbelievable!” we mumble under our breath or scream at the universe while shaking our fists. That’s where I found myself after my divorce. To put it simply, my husband had not been kind to me for years. When I finally got up the courage to leave, I discovered he had already found someone else and secretly married her within a month of our divorce. I nearly went out of my mind, not wanting to accept that he had cheated on me. I had nightmares in which I begged him to come back. It took a while to accept the fact that our divorce was as real as was his marriage, and it couldn’t be undone. When I was finally able to acknowledge those facts in my mind and body, I could take small positive steps toward my new life and begin the process of healing. All three of these stories illustrate accepting reality and making small changes to create a better future. Recently I was introduced to the psychological theory of Radical Acceptance. It seemed to me the practice formalizes a way to help hurting people, including those going through a divorce, to process their pain and move beyond it to a better future by choosing to view it in a non-judgmental way. Here’s a brief description of my understanding of how it works. How to Move on Through Radical Acceptance
Let's get back to Deb. Although Deb's problem isn’t about divorce, her outlook on life is an example of how those of us who go through trauma can be our own worst enemy by focusing on the problems we face and not on accepting the reality of our situation. We become stuck and don’t consider what we can do to change things for the better, even if the changes begin very small. I believe Deb might be able benefit from practicing Radical Acceptance, but here’s the thing, it’s not up to me to fix her. If I choose to engage with her again, I can ask her something like, “So, what’s your next step? What can you possibly do?” or I can choose to avoid getting into conversation with her. I’ll see what the Holy Spirit prompts me to do at the next opportunity. I’m very grateful for my own recovery, God's provision, and the help and guidance I received. My heart goes out to those who are currently suffering from the trauma of divorce. If you find this approach as promising as I do, there are several Internet sites where you can further explore this approach. I’d love to hear what you think of this method as applied to divorce healing. As for me, I think I'll change my motto from "Trust God and do the next thing," to "Accept what is, then trust God and do the next thing." Blessings,  Origins of Radical Acceptance AuthorLinda is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her new memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.  I welcome your comments and feedback.
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Would you happen to have any pictures you can send me?” Would you happen to have any pictures you can send to me?” he asked. Many years have passed, and I’ve moved several times since the divorce. Thanks to the journals I kept, however, I remember my decisions on what to keep and what to eliminate. I’d felt great rage when I learned my ex had a serious relationship with another woman during the latter part of our marriage. My instinct was to throw out everything he’d touched. The pragmatic side of me prevented that from happening (well mostly), which left me with some tough decisions to make. What I learned from that experience may help those of you who are newly divorced to make good decisions about what to toss, what to keep, and how to do it. The following is in the order that makes the most sense to me, but your circumstance may dictate a different order. Get rid of (most) items that trigger bad memories Take inventory of your items and consider what they mean to you. Unless these are things your children might want later, dispose of them now. I found satisfaction in passing off to my soon-to-be ex those items that reminded me of unpleasant parts of our marriage. Here’s a journal entry from my memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, of our divvying up our belongings: Jim came over in the evening to get more of his stuff. I gave him some of our dishes and the tortilla press. When he saw the press, a half-smile passed across his face. He and I had attended a session at the Santa Fe School of Cooking, and he’d implied we’d try making some of the dishes together when we returned home. When I realized his help was not to be, I made the them by myself. He declared he didn’t like tortillas.” Are you moving? Sell or give away what you don’t like or have use for before the move Many divorces result in one or both parties having to move. The more items you retain, the more expensive the move. Again, envision what you want your new surroundings to look like and let those things go that don’t fit your new life. I began by selling a few antiques I would no longer be using to an antique shop. I employed a moving service as well as the help of family. When one cousin helping out admired a heavy chest, I gave it to him. I gave my ex the leather sofa and chair his cat had scratched up, plus our big bedroom furniture. This saved me a ton of moving expense and cleared the way for creating an atmosphere in my new place that was just for me. Another cousin helped me with a garage sale. From my journal: Ros comes over to help with my garage sale. I sell the tent that we seldom used along with silver, china, and the crystal Jim’s mother had given me. We do a happy dance when she totals the proceeds. After the sale, I take a big box of Jim’s things to the post office, remembering the character in the movie Saint Maybe, who spent her last dime getting rid of her ex-husband’s stuff. The postage comes to $16.00—a cheap price for “shaking off” more of Jim from my life. I felt fine giving up the idea of entertaining on a grand scale. Not only did parting with these things cut down even more on my moving cost, the sale helped pay for it! Focus on the benefits to you and others in selling or giving away items. What about the dog? You may have to decide who gets the pets. Hopefully you and your ex can avoid a custody dispute. If it comes to that, a judge will look at who took the most care of the pet. Try doing that yourselves without it becoming a legal matter. In our case, we agreed that my ex would get the cat that scratched furniture, and I would get the older cat and the dog, as those two had always been my primary responsibility. Since I wasn’t employed, my ex promised to take care of any vet bills that might occur. I suppose I should have asked for that promise in writing, but he did follow through even though he whined about it. Evidence of cheating Talk about triggering! If you have proof of his cheating during your marriage, what do you do with it? Simply tearing up the incriminating evidence and throwing it in the trash may not feel significant enough. I solved that with a lovely divorce ceremony attended by my pastor and close friends. During the ceremony, I burn our marriage vows and the papers from Jim’s desk that fateful night I discovered his betrayal —a receipt from Skamania Lodge [where he took his new woman for dinner] and programs from church services he attended with her. I resolve to no longer let those bitter memories have a hold on me. Instead, I’ll rely on the Lord’s help in creating a better future. Should you keep his name or “let go” of it? What if you change your mind? You might have several reasons for keeping his name including the perceived benefit for your children or if it’s part of your professional name. This decision will likely be included in the divorce decree. But what if you have second thoughts perhaps triggered by new revelations of your ex’s betrayal, and you feel you must rid yourself of his name? That was my experience. Since I’d had my ex’s name for twenty-five years, I'd decided to keep it. But after my ex secretly married within a month of our divorce, my eyes were fully opened, and I couldn’t get rid of his name fast enough. So much time had passed since I’d had my maiden name that I didn’t care to go back to it. I decided to keep it as my middle name and adopt a favorite grandmother’s maiden name as my last name. It turned out it was pretty easy to do. In a short while, I was before a judge and had my new name. I change my name on everything, even my car registration. I’m told it’s not necessary, but it’s necessary to me. I don’t want his name on anything of mine. The photo on my new driver’s license is one of my best ever. Here’s a link that tells how to go about changing your name: https://www.findlaw.com/family/divorce/changing-your-name-after-divorce.html Your wedding ring Your wedding ring may very well remind you of your broken marriage; so why keep it? Unless it's a family heirloom, you’ll probably want to part with it. If it has some monetary value, you may want to sell it or have it remade into a different piece of jewelry. Selling it can help pay for expenses related to your divorce, allow you to buy a new ring, or the money can be put aside for something special in the future for you or your children. My wedding ring had little value, so after discovering my spouse's duplicity, I gave it back to him. I want to tear Jim limb from limb. I tear apart a picture of the two of us and take off my wedding ring, one of the matching bands we’d had made by a Santa Fe jeweler, designed with circles (my preference), and squares (Jim’s preference). I leave the photo and the ring on his office chair. What symbolism! If I hadn’t gotten rid of the ring then, it would have been appropriate to do something with it at the divorce ceremony. Gifts from your spouse and mementos purchased together In happier days, your spouse may have given you some gifts that were both sentimental and valuable. If they were given to appease you, by all means dispose of them by selling or giving them away. However, there may be a part of you that still wants to hang on to some evidence of value in your marriage. Most likely there were some good things that occurred, and it’s all right to remember those. While you might not want to wear a dress he bought you, sometime in the future you might enjoy a special piece of jewelry or a work of art he gave you. I’m glad I kept the squash blossom turquoise necklace my ex gave me as a wedding gift. I also cherish an unusual collector’s items he went miles out of his way to get for me. Enough time has elapsed since our divorce, I can allow some memories of the good moments we had to warm my heart. Bedding and sleepwear You may want to discard everything that touched your ex’s skin, especially bedding and sleepwear. I certainly did. I gave all our bedding to my ex, perversely chuckling at what his new love might think of it. You might even want to begin anew with fresh towels. I revel in the freedom of making the interior of the townhouse my own. I indulge myself, buying yards of paisley-and-rose-patterned Ralph Lauren fabric and make a duvet cover of my own design. I’m crazy for paisley. I spend hours sewing, and it turns out well, with a big, contrasting welt around the sides and bottom. I also buy new sheets, untouched by Jim’s skin, and silk pajamas, giving me comfort these dark nights. When you can’t decide Create a stash. You’ve been having to make so many decisions your probably emotionally spent. Hopefully you have a space where you can keep a few boxes for items you’ve yet to decide upon. Give yourself a break. Put your feet up and take a breath. Maybe even a little snooze. At long last, I take a load off, resting in the old rocking chair while rubbing my hands over the worn raised pattern of the fabric. Rachel Cat jumps in my lap and almost tips me backwards. After regaining our balance, we settle in for a little snooze. I dream Jim has a choice between eating three pieces of bacon and saving our marriage. He chooses the bacon. Pretty accurate, I think, when I awake. What Not to throw Out Here’s what I suggest you keep. If you still have some things belonging to your ex, ask him what he’d like done with them. Create a filing system for important papers like your divorce decree, spousal support documents, papers relating to a house you may own, tax returns, etc. What about those family photos? Those may go into that stash to be decided upon later when you have more emotional energy. If you have children, they will probably enjoy having some visual reminders of happier times with your intact family. If the times were tough, if there had been abuse, perhaps the photos can help your children process that. What did I do about my sons’ request for photos of his father? I found a few good ones I’d kept in a basket of family photos. It had been years since I’d looked at them, and they were a nice reminder of the good times we’d had together. I scanned them and sent them off, at peace with how my life has unfolded. I applaud you for your intentionality in navigating the beginning of this new chapter in your life. My wish for you is that you can eventually find that same contentment I've found. Blessings on your journey,  AuthorThe quotes in this post are from Linda's recently published memoir. She is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her new memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace. I welcome your comments and feedback.
But when a woman loses her husband because of divorce, many people feel at a loss and end up doing next to nothing. Or worse … they abandon her altogether. Not only might she lose friends, but favorite in-laws whom she’s regarded as family may also depart. You’re a good friend and you want to support her. Here are some suggestion on ways you might be able to help.
I’m a firm believer in karma – what goes around comes around. Your friend is probably going through the most devastating experience of her life. Offering her support will likely mean everything to her. Hopefully you won’t have to go through a divorce yourself, but you may too need help from friends one day. Be grateful you are able to provide help for your friend now. Blessings on your journey,  AuthorThe quotes in this post are from Linda's recently published memoir. She is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her new memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace. I welcome your comments and feedback.
I recently heard a talk on how to help someone who is in crisis. The speaker stated that people experiencing trouble usually want to keep their problems to themselves, and the reason is often shame.“Shame” is the first issue we need to address here, as it can keep you (the divorced person) from receiving the help you need and deserve. Divorce happens to the best of us and to the worst of us. Fortunately, I felt no shame over my divorce and was open to receiving help. I was amazed and grateful for all the different ways I received help in the aftermath of my divorce, some of it I asked for, and some that seemed to miraculously appear. (You can read all about it in my recently published memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce.) Shame often points to pride The feeling of shame over a divorce often points to pride. You can no longer claim to have the marriage and life you believe you should have or that you deserve. Whether or not your spouse was to blame or you were, your new circumstances are the same. You are experiencing the trauma of divorce and you can probably use some help. If you are feeling shame, I urge you to let it go. In doing so, you will be open to accepting the love and support that is waiting for you. What to Ask For: Ten Suggestions Here are ten suggestions for friends, family, and professionals who might help you get through those first difficult weeks after your divorce. These folks may not know exactly what you need so go ahead and ask!
Of course you will be reasonable in the amount of time and energy you ask a friend to spend on your behalf. But what if the person says “No”? Someone once told me, “You’ll never know until you make your move.” I’m amending that to “You’ll never know until you ask!” Trust that the “Nos” and “Yeses” you receive will be okay, that the help you truly need will be provided at the right time. Blessings to you on your journey,  AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her new memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace. I welcome your comments and feedback.
The Struggle to Forgive I knew that, as a Christian, I was supposed to forgive my ex. But I struggled, revisiting his many lies and the hurts he inflicted upon me. His betrayal haunted my nightmares and sprung up unbidden during the day. I could barely function. “Go ahead, Lord,” I urged, “roast him and toast him!” “Betrayed” had become the narrative of my life. What Forgiveness Looks Like Forgiveness is a Process, not a one time event I made an appointment with my new pastor, hoping he had the magic words that would help me with this task. “Forgiveness is absolutely necessary, and you should do it as soon as possible,” he responded. “Remember, God has forgiven both you and Jim.” He pointed to some of the passages in the Bible that deal with forgiveness. “For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.” Matthew 6:14 “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” Ephesians 4:31-32 There were more verses, and I knew them all. He might as well have said, “Just do it.” Did that help me? Of course not! I felt more shame and frustration for not being ready to forgive.  I hope by now that pastor has a better understanding of the forgiveness process. Forgiving doesn’t mean we immediately stop feeling hurt or we deny our feelings. I love what Nancy Richards, author of the memoir Mother, I Don’t Forgive You said in a recent interview with Kathy Pooler: “Forgiveness is not an event of immediacy. It’s not a bolt of lightning that brightens the soul and burns the pain to ashes. Forgiveness is a process; one that we must honor with our own healing timetable.” (1) By acknowledging our pain, not just with our heads but with our whole being, we open the door for healing and forgiveness.  How to forgive Ask God God wants us to forgive, but He doesn’t expect us to forgive on our own. He’s a patient God, waiting to help us on our journey of forgiveness when we’re ready to ask Him. Forgive yourself In his book Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don’t Deserve, Lewis B. Smedes wrote: “[Forgiveness] cannot heal our narcissistic resentments toward people for not being all that we expect them to be … Nobody can forgive people for being what they are.” (3) I had to shed the illusion that I could have somehow changed my ex into the person I thought he should be. Eventually I realized my resentment toward him was a waste of my good time. If I had anyone to forgive, it was me for being wrong in my belief I could fix him. I also needed to forgive myself for staying so long and letting him get away with his treatment of me.  Forgiveness doesn’t mean we shouldn’t protect ourselves We can forgive someone even when we don’t trust them. An ex-spouse who has hurt us and remains unrepentant cannot be expected to change because of our forgiveness. I was relieved when I decided to hand over my ex and his problems to God. My job was to take care of me and my stuff. I practiced dealing with my ex as I would a business arrangement, spending as little emotional energy as possible. When the situation called for it, I sought to remind him, in a neutral manner, of his better nature. (I confess it took me a while to get to this point.) Try empathy You probably know your ex better than anyone else. Try to imagine what drove him or her to the behaviors that hurt you so much. Would a healthy person do the same? Probably not. When I think of the parental abuse my ex endured during his childhood, my heart aches for him. That’s not to say I condone his actions, but it helps me see him as a vulnerable human being who didn’t have the capability of being the kind of spouse I needed or wanted. This realization has helped me forgive him. Get help I believe true forgiveness cannot be achieved in the midst of trauma. If you find yourself endlessly recycling hurt and anger as I did, get help. Many churches sponsor divorce recovery support groups led by people who understand what you’re going through. They’ll facilitate your learning how to heal and gain hope for your future. Individual counselors can be helpful, too. I took advantage of both. My counselor put me on anti-depressants until I was able to better cope. Through my divorce recovery group, I gained new friends as we negotiated our newly single lives. Healing and moving forward opened me to gradual forgiveness. Use a little humor Make a list of all your ex’s faults and put them together in a faux dating ad. Would you want to date that guy (or gal), let alone, be married to someone like that? No way! Understand your power to forgive In a Psychology Today article, Lisa Firestone writes, “Learning to forgive helps us to control our story and our feelings to avoid unnecessary pain. As powerful individuals, we can choose between living in a victim mode or an adult mode. In the latter state, we acknowledge and feel the full pain of what happened to us without getting stuck in a triggered state in which we feel it is still happening. We can feel our feelings without letting them overtake us.” (4)  Have I been able to forgive my ex, you ask. When some folks learn I’ve written a memoir about my marriage, divorce, and recovery, they assume I’ve done so to “get back” at him. Although there might have been some truth to that when I first began, revisiting my life has given me a more nuanced perspective. I see the whole man now, with both good and bad qualities. He’s someone I spent a great deal of my life with, and with whom I shared a now-grown child. I developed enough emotional distance now that he could no longer hurt me. I was able to have a long-distance cordial relationship with him throughout the rest of his life, leaving me with no regrets. Imagine you have the power to forgive. Can you feel your shoulders relax and your jaw unclench? Is your walk a little lighter? Just remember, forgiveness takes time. Be gentle with yourself as you follow the path of forgiveness, looking ahead to the many blessings that await you. Blessings,  AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her new memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace. I welcome your comments and feedback.
 He’s broken your heart and left you for another. He calls and tells you he’s sorry. The thing is, he’s still with her. You mumble something and hang up. Questions swirl in your mind. Is he asking for forgiveness? He hasn’t asked in so many words, but you wonder if that’s his under- lying message. Does he deserve to be forgiven? Can you forgive? Do you want to? Why should you forgive? The scene I’ve described exemplifies many betrayal scenarios. In my case, my newly minted ex said he was sorry I was “hurting so much.” I considered that a non-apology, as he accepted no direct responsibility for my pain. Nevertheless, I wrestled with forgiveness. Does he have a guilty conscience? It would seem the hypothetical ex-spouse I’ve described is wrestling with a guilty conscience. You must admit that saying one is sorry is the beginning of repentance, but is that enough to prompt you to forgive? After all, your ex hasn’t undone the deed. His words seen hollow, and you don’t feel like forgiving him. Let’s say you don’t believe he’s really sorry. You can’t even think about forgiveness unless he’s really, truly sorry, right? Does he deserve your forgiveness? Okay, so maybe he’s genuinely sorry. You’re still deeply hurt. What he did to you was wrong, wrong, wrong, and you’ll never be the same. You’ve been told you should forgive anyway, but how can that be? You simply don’t have it in yourself to do so. As a Christian, I believed I should forgive my ex, but I didn’t know how. I went to my lead pastor and asked that question. He pointed out the passages in the Bible that address forgiveness … passages I was already familiar with. They all urged for- giveness, but I still didn’t understand how. I went to our singles ministry pastor, and not only did he say I should forgive, but that I should pray for my ex’s new marriage! No Way!  What do victims of unfaithfulness do with the struggle over forgiveness? Before you can forgive, you need to forgive yourself for being angry and unforgiving. You’ve suffered a major blow, and you need time to do some recovery work. You are not a bad person for not being ready to forgive. Why would you want to forgive? Unrelenting unforgiveness traps us in the past; hanging onto the pain only brings more pain. Forgiveness breaks the cycle of pain and victimhood we’ve been carrying and frees us emotionally from the person who’s hurt us. Rooting out unforgiveness leaves room for joy in new experiences. My friend, Debbie Hucke notes, “[Forgiveness] releases the flow of God’s grace and His healing power. By acknowledging your pain, not just with your head but with your whole being, you open the door for healing and forgiveness.” Want to know how to forgive? |
 Photo by Ben White on Unsplash | God wants loving marriages. Satan wants cruel marriages. Those words jumped out at me as I read Gretchen Baskerville’s book, The Life Saving Divorce. In my memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, I describe a scene in which my Christian counselor declares, “If you divorce, Satan wins!” I wish I had known Baskerville’s statement, but I’m proud of myself for expressing similar thoughts. |
Even though the counselor’s words sent me into shock, I had the presence of mind to reply, “Satan has already won. Satan won when Jim broke our marriage covenant by not loving or honoring me. He’s addicted to his work and his religious pursuits. To me, that’s being unfaithful. And he refuses to acknowledge those actions that have driven us apart and to ask for forgiveness.”
Baskerville explains, “Satan loves the fact that innocent spouses and children are bound to someone who devastates them, humiliates them, betrays them, and treats them treacherously … Jesus isn’t like that. Jesus came to set people free.”
It took me years to fully understand this truth, but now that I’m free, I’m all about spreading the word. If you are in an abusive relationship, I want you to know that God loves you and wants the best for you. What is “the best”? To be loved, to be cherished, and to be safe from abuse of all kinds. If you do not have that kind of relationship and are suffering emotionally or physically, trust God and His helpers here on earth to assist you in finding the care and safety you need.
Blessings,
Baskerville explains, “Satan loves the fact that innocent spouses and children are bound to someone who devastates them, humiliates them, betrays them, and treats them treacherously … Jesus isn’t like that. Jesus came to set people free.”
It took me years to fully understand this truth, but now that I’m free, I’m all about spreading the word. If you are in an abusive relationship, I want you to know that God loves you and wants the best for you. What is “the best”? To be loved, to be cherished, and to be safe from abuse of all kinds. If you do not have that kind of relationship and are suffering emotionally or physically, trust God and His helpers here on earth to assist you in finding the care and safety you need.
Blessings,
P.S. My blog post “Resources for Victims of Domestic Violence and Their Advocates” might be a good start for finding the help you need.
Author
Linda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her new memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.
I welcome your comments and feedback.
Have you ever been betrayed by someone close to you? If that person had been your spouse, the impact was probably enormous. You likely experienced a range of emotions, one of which was probably rage. I certainly did.
In my memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, I tell about driving the freeway, pounding the steering wheel, and yelling all the obscenities I could think of, frustrated I didn't know more! I confess there were moments I wished him dead, suggesting the Lord “roast him and toast him.” "Time wounds all heals," I often quipped.
Time has passed and, thanks be to God, I've been able to move on in big and little ways. The other day I received a call from my son. “Dad died today,” he said. I heard resignation in his voice.
I was not surprised, knowing my ex had been ailing for a while. Throughout our twenty-five year marriage, I’d encouraged him to take care of himself but he’d refused. I felt sad for our son who had inherited his father’s high intellect and sense of humor. They'd been close in the early years but had been distant in the many years since. Any opportunity to change that is now gone forever. And, since our son is an only child, is single, and has no children, his dad's passing means he is left with significantly fewer family connections.
As for me, I’d forgiven my ex of his emotional abuse and betrayal long-ago. I feel sad he was never able to overcome the abuse he received as a child. But, I’m also happy for him. I believe he’s finally at peace in his Father’s arms, feeling the unconditional love he longed for and never found here on earth.
Blessings,
Author
Linda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her new memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.
I welcome your comments and feedback.
Recently, a teacher friend - a Christian - posted an account of one of her middle-grade students loudly proclaiming she was a horrible person because she had been divorced four times. This student was mistaken - she had been divorced twice - but I find his mistake irrelevant.
We cannot know what was behind the student’s anger, but my question is, why did this young person choose the subject of divorce in his outburst? Isn’t the shame of divorce a thing of the past?
From some of the messages I get from readers of this blog and from other readings, I get the sense that a significant number of conservative Christians continue to look on divorce as a morally wrong decision. To determine if my hunch was correct, I did a little Googling and a little calculation.
From some of the messages I get from readers of this blog and from other readings, I get the sense that a significant number of conservative Christians continue to look on divorce as a morally wrong decision. To determine if my hunch was correct, I did a little Googling and a little calculation.
The Good News
“Very religious” Christians have typically been against divorce. But, according to a Gallup poll, with many states passing no-fault divorce laws in the 1970’s, a majority of this group now believe divorce is morally acceptable. For those of us who believe that God accepts divorce in a number of circumstances, and, in fact, allows the suffering spouse to be free of abuse and neglect, that’s great news!
This does not answer my question, though, concerning the actual number who still believe divorce is morally wrong. Is it small enough for us to dismiss, believing there will always be a few who hold on to their belief about the evils of divorce? Why worry?
This does not answer my question, though, concerning the actual number who still believe divorce is morally wrong. Is it small enough for us to dismiss, believing there will always be a few who hold on to their belief about the evils of divorce? Why worry?
And yet ...
A poll in 2018 found that twenty percent of adult Americans believed that divorce was morally wrong. (https://www.statista.com/statistics/218524/americans-moral-stance-towards-divorce/) I believe that number has decreased somewhat since, but we can make some educated guesses. Working with those numbers, how many people represent that twenty percent? Forty million. Let that sink in. Forty million! I don’t know about you, but to me, that seems pretty significant. Sure, that number is shrinking, but in the meantime, this belief continues to trap a great many women and some men in marriages they don’t dare leave.
What the Bible says
Why is that, and where does that belief come from? One of the most often biblical verses used to support the “morally wrong” divorce stance is Jesus’ words in Matthew 19:9: “And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.” Church leaders have claimed that adultery by one’s spouse is the only reason for divorce. If the decision to divorce is for any other reason, it is an “unforgiveable sin.” Neither idea is supported by most serious Bible scholars. (The only unforgiveable sin is blaspheming the Holy Spirit. Matthew 12:31-32)
Also, there are the words of the apostle Paul about marriage: “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church …” (Ephesians 5:22-23). Too many men have taken this to mean that they are the bosses of their wives, but they ignore the previous verse: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Paul was talking about mutual submission of husband and wife, but, again, this part has been ignored.
Have you read that God hates divorce? Some translations of Malachi 2:17 say that, but newer translations have revised that verse. I’m quite sure God does not love divorce, but even He found it necessary to divorce Israel for her adulteries, which were not sexual. (Jeremiah 3:8)
Also, there are the words of the apostle Paul about marriage: “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church …” (Ephesians 5:22-23). Too many men have taken this to mean that they are the bosses of their wives, but they ignore the previous verse: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Paul was talking about mutual submission of husband and wife, but, again, this part has been ignored.
Have you read that God hates divorce? Some translations of Malachi 2:17 say that, but newer translations have revised that verse. I’m quite sure God does not love divorce, but even He found it necessary to divorce Israel for her adulteries, which were not sexual. (Jeremiah 3:8)
How these texts are used
Looking at these narrow interpretations of the Bible, we can begin to understand how unethical church leaders and husbands yearning for dominance can use these verses against women. This is called “spiritual abuse,” and here’s my definition of this type of behavior: “Keeping a person under control with misapplied biblical verses.” Another word for it is “brainwashing.” A wife, believing she must submit to her husband, is set up for abuse.
Should she protest in some way, her husband, church elders, or a pastor, may harass and humiliate her, accusing her of sinning. These actions might very well cause psychological trauma, making her distrust her own instinct for justice or even survival. If she finds the strength to leave, she not only may lose her Christian community, her source of emotional and spiritual support, but may feel she has lost God.
In a guest post on this blog (Deep Wounds Remain), the writer described how the church treated her when she went to the pastor for help dealing with her husband’s infidelity. “It was suggested I confess before the church for any part I might have had in leading to my husband’s wanderings. He wasn’t asked to acknowledge his wrong doings, and he didn’t volunteer … once counseling started, I was completely ostracized by the other women in the church.”
Another guest posted (Liberation from the Patriarchal Church), “Over the years I realized the church betrayed me and our daughter. Its focus was on my staying in the marriage, being complicit in keeping order over myself and our child, and assuming blame for his behavior. A good woman could turn him around. After the divorce, within church walls or teachings, I gained no comfort. I was the woman who had a failed marriage. The status of my husband in this failure was of no matter. Anger and disappointment led me from institutional religion. I stay away to protect my heart, mind, and soul.”
In a guest post on this blog (Deep Wounds Remain), the writer described how the church treated her when she went to the pastor for help dealing with her husband’s infidelity. “It was suggested I confess before the church for any part I might have had in leading to my husband’s wanderings. He wasn’t asked to acknowledge his wrong doings, and he didn’t volunteer … once counseling started, I was completely ostracized by the other women in the church.”
Another guest posted (Liberation from the Patriarchal Church), “Over the years I realized the church betrayed me and our daughter. Its focus was on my staying in the marriage, being complicit in keeping order over myself and our child, and assuming blame for his behavior. A good woman could turn him around. After the divorce, within church walls or teachings, I gained no comfort. I was the woman who had a failed marriage. The status of my husband in this failure was of no matter. Anger and disappointment led me from institutional religion. I stay away to protect my heart, mind, and soul.”
My Own Experience
 | Why is this issue so important to me? In my memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce: A Transformative Journey Out of Emotional and Spiritual Abuse, I describe three instances when biblical teachings were used to shame me as I made the difficult decision to divorce. “If you divorce, Satan wins,” my counselor declared. She intimated that I would be vulnerable to demonic influence because I had not given control of my life over to my husband. |
Once I made the decision to leave, I received a three-page letter from a friend of my husband claiming my decision was “out of God’s will. I see you wanting to control [your husband] … he was your head. He is not accountable to you but to God. … I see you as an incredibly controlling person and it is time for you to fall on your face before the great Counselor Jesus. God can soften your stiff neck and heart of stone, but it will be His way or no way. … I recommend you find a church where there is strong male headship and no compromising of clear scripture.” And on it went.
The third instance of being rejected for my choice to divorce was when I began searching for a new church. I’d attended one a few times and chatted with the pastor. Since I thought perhaps it would be a good fit for me, I had a more lengthy discussion with him. When I told him that I had divorced my husband, his demeanor changed. “Oh!” he exclaimed, “Since you were the one to decide to divorce, you could never be a full member of this church. I suggest you look into the church down the road where there is a large singles group.”
You can imagine the hurt and anger I felt over my husband’s friend’s words. I wrote him back, telling him how much he had hurt me. (You can read about his response to that in my memoir.) And that although shocking, my counselor’s declaration helped me tap into what I truly knew about God. I knew He wept with me over the pain of my husband’s rejection, and He cared for me so much more than he cared about preserving my marriage. Once I understood that, I was able to brush off that pastor’s response about not being welcome in his church. I believed God would deal with him and the church in due time, and I found love and support in the church down the road.
The third instance of being rejected for my choice to divorce was when I began searching for a new church. I’d attended one a few times and chatted with the pastor. Since I thought perhaps it would be a good fit for me, I had a more lengthy discussion with him. When I told him that I had divorced my husband, his demeanor changed. “Oh!” he exclaimed, “Since you were the one to decide to divorce, you could never be a full member of this church. I suggest you look into the church down the road where there is a large singles group.”
You can imagine the hurt and anger I felt over my husband’s friend’s words. I wrote him back, telling him how much he had hurt me. (You can read about his response to that in my memoir.) And that although shocking, my counselor’s declaration helped me tap into what I truly knew about God. I knew He wept with me over the pain of my husband’s rejection, and He cared for me so much more than he cared about preserving my marriage. Once I understood that, I was able to brush off that pastor’s response about not being welcome in his church. I believed God would deal with him and the church in due time, and I found love and support in the church down the road.
My hope is that the use of “divorce” as a dirty word will soon fade into the past and will cease to be an undeserved source of shame and judgment. Instead, the church will treat the divorced Christian with compassion, and I've written a comprehensive blog post on this subject: "Domestic Abuse and Faith: How Churches Can Help Instead of Hurt." In a videotaped interview sponsored by Village Books of Bellingham, Washington, I was recently asked what I would like churches to do for divorced people. “Love on them,” I replied. “Just love on them.”
Blessings to you,
Blessings to you,
Resources used in this post:
https://news.gallup.com/poll/213677/divorce-rate-dips-moral-acceptability-hits-new-high.aspx
https://www.pewforum.org/2018/08/29/the-religious-typology/
https://www.statista.com/statistics/218524/americans-moral-stance-towards-divorce/
https://news.gallup.com/poll/213677/divorce-rate-dips-moral-acceptability-hits-new-high.aspx
https://www.pewforum.org/2018/08/29/the-religious-typology/
https://www.statista.com/statistics/218524/americans-moral-stance-towards-divorce/
Author
Linda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her new memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.
I welcome your comments and feedback.
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It wasn’t until I went to my fifth or sixth counselor that I learned my husband was a “crazymaker” and what that meant. In my just-published memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce: A Transformative Journey Through Emotional and Spiritual Abuse, I include a scene with that counselor.
“Confusion and shame is exactly what crazymakers want their victims to feel. All these things you’ve told me about Jim—saying one thing and then later, the opposite without acknowledging the difference, his lack of empathy for your physical and emotional state, trying to make you seem the bad one in the relationship, encouraging you to doubt your feelings—they convince me he’s a crazymaker,” she told me.
My counselor warned me that crazymakers are not likely to change. I didn't have the tools to try to effect that change, and, after twenty-five years, I finally left. It wasn’t until I began writing my memoir that I understood the extent of my husband’s crazymaking.
“Confusion and shame is exactly what crazymakers want their victims to feel. All these things you’ve told me about Jim—saying one thing and then later, the opposite without acknowledging the difference, his lack of empathy for your physical and emotional state, trying to make you seem the bad one in the relationship, encouraging you to doubt your feelings—they convince me he’s a crazymaker,” she told me.
My counselor warned me that crazymakers are not likely to change. I didn't have the tools to try to effect that change, and, after twenty-five years, I finally left. It wasn’t until I began writing my memoir that I understood the extent of my husband’s crazymaking.
Here are eight of several types of crazymaking behavior
Crazymakers will--
These are but a few of the techniques crazymakers use to gain control over their close relations. Please note that my references here are all about men, but women can be crazymakers, too. If you suspect you are dealing with a crazymaker, I suggest you get counseling with a professional who understands this personality type.
As for my question, did my husband love me? You'll have to read the memoir.
Blessings,
Crazymakers will--
- try to convince their partners that they are defective in some way, making their partner more emotional, more needy or dependent.
- commit to doing something when they really don’t want to do it and then finding a way out at the last minute.
- force their partner to make an important decision, then blame their partner for any perceived negative outcomes as a result of that decision.
- “over-tease” their partners. If their partners object, they accuse the partner of being “too sensitive.”
- provoke their partner to anger, then accuse the partner of being an angry, difficult person.
- change their minds, but deny they have done so.
- pretend to be supportive, but then sabotage their partner.
- demonstrate little concern for the partner’s physical or emotional well-being.
These are but a few of the techniques crazymakers use to gain control over their close relations. Please note that my references here are all about men, but women can be crazymakers, too. If you suspect you are dealing with a crazymaker, I suggest you get counseling with a professional who understands this personality type.
As for my question, did my husband love me? You'll have to read the memoir.
Blessings,
Resources: Psychology Today’s article, “How to Handle a Crazymaker,” explains crazymaking and offers suggestions for dealing with this personality type. David Hawkins’ book, Dealing with the Crazymakers in Your Life, is also helpful.
Author
Linda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her new memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.
I welcome your comments and feedback.
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12 Steps to a More Joyful Life after Divorce
30 Things to Do When You're Single
Forgiveness Self-Assessment
Resources for Healing from Spiritual Abuse
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Recommended Reading
Instone-Brewer, David. Divorce and Remarriage in the Church: Biblical Solutions for Pastoral Realities,
Divorce and Remarriage | Andrew Farley
Is Divorce the unforgivable sin? | Andrew Farley
Quoting and Linking
Unless otherwise noted, all contents © 2017 Linda M. Kurth. If you quote this blog, please cite and provide a link back. Thank you.
If you're interested in sharing your story of divorce and the response of other Christians, email Linda at Linda@LindaMKurth.com for guidelines.