Help and Healing for Divorced Christians
Recovering from Divorce?
Get Linda’s 12 Steps for a More Joyful Life after Divorce.
Recovering from Divorce?
Get Linda’s 12 Steps for a More Joyful Life after Divorce.
 I'm pleased to introduce Kelly Wilson as my guest blogger today. Kelly is a writer and comedian who isn't afraid to share her struggles with PTSD and her recent divorce. I believe some of you can relate. Divorce: The Struggle and a Win I've been thinking a lot about how it's the smallest things that bring me down in grief. Like stepping on that tiny Lego or the cat puke in the middle of the night on the way to the bathroom. Unexpected and uncomfortable and curse-inducing. There's a lot to dislike about divorce, even in the best of circumstances, which I think we have. My ex and the kids and I have a meeting every three months to discuss various issues - schedules and calendars and jobs and meals and chores and school and whatever else. My ex and I are not together anymore, but there are some things that we continue to get right, and a unified parenting front is one of them. The fact remains that I don't live with my kids. But the fact remains that I don't live with my kids. I'm at the house several mornings and afternoons a week and pursue regular time with them. But. But. But there's always that time where I drop them off at their home and watch them go inside. Without me. The worst part of divorce - if you have kids - is not learning to cook for one, or the identity crisis, or the moments of crushing loneliness and grief. Not the wondering and knowing and processing. Not the holidays or grief anniversaries or special occasions. It's not going places by yourself. It's watching your kids go inside the house without you. I'd drop the kids off and burst into tears. In the early days of this process, I would drop the kids off or leave the house and burst into tears. My friends Margaret and Chris were on my route home, and I found that - more often than not - my car turned onto their street. I would find myself parked in their driveway, hiccuping and sobbing. They had told me a couple of times that they were here for me anytime, and I took them literally. Two to three times a week, I would get out of my car and hiccup and sob in their living room. We would chat or eat or watch Netflix, or not. They absorbed me as part of their routine in the most comforting way.
There's a point at which you get to see the results of what you have been fighting for. When you change your diet and the cholesterol and blood sugar numbers go down (why yes, I *do* have experience with this, why do you ask?). Or when you beat your personal best in a sportsing thing. Or when your kid asks you to go hiking the next weekend. I've always fought for the kids to go hiking with me. I think that was the small thing. I have always fought for the kids to go hiking with me, making them through the whining and bellyaching and even yelling and fighting. The hill I died on - a small hill, but still a hill I was not willing to surrender. To spend that time walking and talking and away from distractions, surrounded by trees and fresh air and renewal, even in winter. There is no life without death. The small thing in the caveat, "Not just Mt. Tabor, Mom, but a *real* hike." The kid who had been so angry with me, a deep, dark, swirling cauldron of rage, for so long. The conversations and the tears and the fighting. The moving and working through. The signal that we have reached a plateau of some kind in this process. It is a steep climb. My leg muscles quiver and my lungs ache and my stomach growls. This part of the hike was *hard*. But the view is amazing. Even through tears.
Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? Or encouraged? There are hurting people who would like to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com
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What Happens When Churches Don’t Respond?  Did you know that domestic abuse is a very real problem in the Christian community? Dr. Benjamin Keyes, then Program Director/ Associate Professor, School of Psychology and Counseling Regent University, VA, said in a 2016 interview, “In Christian marriages we have a much greater frequency of domestic violence than we do in non-Christian homes.” Dr. Keyes goes right to the heart of the problem: “Part of the reason is that in a traditional role structure, whether in an evangelical, fundamental, or charismatic home, the woman is subservient to the man.” Domestic abuse or violence is defined as a pattern of abuse where one person exerts power and control over another in an intimate relationship. The abuse can be physical, sexual, emotional, psychological, verbal, financial, or spiritual. According to theology professor Steven Tracy in an article for ABC news, “It is widely accepted by abuse experts (and validated by numerous studies) that evangelical men who sporadically attend church are more likely than men of any other religious group (and more likely than secular men) to assault their wives.” False Theology and Thin ReligionSurely churches that hear of abuse rush to the aid of the victims, right? Unfortunately, no. (For real-life accounts of spiritual abuse by church, click here and here to read guest blog posts.)
 Simon Smart, Executive Director of the Centre for Public Christianity, referred to theologian Miroslav Volf’s observation in an article about how “Submit to your husbands” is misinterpreted. Volf calls the misinterpretation “thin religion ... stripped of its moral content and used as a weapon for goals completely unrelated to the faith.” This may be the case when pastors and male leaders in the church seek to retain control and keep women out of leadership. Dr. Keyes suggested that women stay because of finances or their children and that they often do not see a way out. An article, #WhyIStayed: How Some Churches Support Spousal Abuse reveals other reasons.
Today, more and more churches are realizing they’ve too often been enablers of domestic abusers. What Happens When Churches Don’t Respond Today, more and more churches are learning that their responses to abused parishioners have been wrong, pure and simple. They’re realizing they’ve too often been enablers of domestic abusers.
ways churches respond to domestic abuse victims. In one instance of a church encouraging the victim to return to her abuser, sadly, she died at the hands of her abuser. The church could bring harm to itself. Often a church isn’t aware of its legal obligations, let alone attuned to its responsibilities as an institution entrusted with the spiritual care of parishioners. Why is that? A church that chooses to turn its back on domestic abuse victims in hopes of protecting its image may in fact be harming itself. In the article, Why Domestic Violence in the Home Endangers Your Church, church security expert Carl Chinn says, “As Christians, we are dedicated to the preservation of the marriage, as we should be. But when there is abuse, or even the suspicion of it, we, as the church, often refuse to recognize it for the danger it is.” Chinn says this is a mistake with potentially grave consequences. Statistics show that, in 2016, eleven of the forty-seven murderous attacks at churches and ministries had the same cause: domestic violence. Churches can also end up in legal trouble. An article in Relevant magazine, This Is How Churches Should Respond to Abuse, explains that, “Each state has different mandatory reporting laws, but churches must engage local law enforcement who are trained and equipped to investigate [abuse] accusations. Elder boards acting like arm-chair investigators do far more harm than good.” The article goes on to state that pastors can be “naïve and easily manipulated.” They are often recruited to speak on behalf of the abuser during legal proceedings. Rarely do they speak in support of the victim. We should ask what is wrong with this picture and how can we be change agents. A Better Way How can churches become places of safety and support for abuse victims? What could compel them and how would they begin? Following are steps I’ve gleaned from various sources that churches can take. Become informed and share that information Understand what domestic abuse is, realizing victims of abuse are very possibly in the congregation. The church needs to be alert to the signs of domestic abuse and recognize its unique role in helping abused women who see the church as a safe place to come for help. Physical violence is often the most obvious abuse, but women also experience verbal, emotional, or sexual abuse by their husbands or partners. Once church leaders have become informed, it’s important for them to educate the congregation on how they can support the abused. Begin with sermons on the subject. A study called I Believe You: Sexual Violence and the Church, by Sojourners found that, of pastors who responded to a survey, 65 percent had addressed domestic and sexual violence once or never in a sermon, 22 percent addressed it annually, 33 percent mentioned it “rarely,” and 10 percent had never taught on it. Change needs to happen from the pulpit to the pews. Many churches quick to teach submission are often slow to point out that women were also among the followers of Christ - Beth Moore Other ideas for disseminating information include studies in the adult Sunday school curriculum on family violence and the prevention of violence, as well as Bible studies about women and their value. In a letter to her Christian brothers, author Beth Moore wrote, “I’m asking for your increased awareness of some of the skewed attitudes many of your sisters encounter. Many churches quick to teach submission are often slow to point out that women were also among the followers of Christ (Luke 8), that the first recorded word out of His resurrected mouth was ‘woman’ (John 20:15), and that same woman was the first evangelist.” Validate When a victim comes forward, it’s critical that church leaders’ first impulse is to listen and believe the victim’s feelings and listen to her story. In a Lifeway Research Survey of evangelistic protestant pastors titled Protestant Pastors’ Current Responses to Domestic Violence, about 50 percent said they would believe the victim, 68 percent said they would investigate whether domestic violence was really present, and 46 percent of mainline protestant pastors would investigate rather than fully support the victim. “When a woman reports domestic violence and her report is discredited or dismissed,” says Penelope Hefner, principal and family law attorney at Sodoma Law Union in an article for domesticshelters.org, “it not only takes away from her pain, but it sends a message to the aggressor that the action is acceptable.” Assess her level of safety Churches can reduce trauma and even save lives by taking action to help abused women get to a safe place. They must remember an investigation of the abuser’s actions could prove fatal to the victim, if he feels threatened and takes his abuse to a higher level. Partner with community services It’s vital for churches to reach out to the community for support. The church and the community become stronger when they work together. The church should offer informed counseling or help the victim connect with other resources within the community. Community organizations will have access to government resources and training not available to the church. Offer support and unconditional love Connecting victims with support groups, prayer partners, and providing ongoing emotional and practical support are other important roles churches can play. Churches should prepare to offer support and guidance for years, not days or months, even if the victim is receiving professional counseling. In conclusion While many churches historically have fallen short of being places of refuge and active support to victims of domestic abuse, all churches need to develop the resources to help reverse this troubling crisis. Coming up Would you like to hear about the results of churches implementing policies to support victims of domestic abuse? So would I. I’ve already begun contacting those in the know, and will be reporting back to you, as well as providing a list of resources. If you know of an example of how a church has chosen to help, please let me know in the comments below. Stay tuned! Blessings,  AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace. Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? Or encouraged? There are hurting people who would like to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com  I’ve heard many stories (and featured some in my blog) of women abused by their churches. When I say abused, I’m referring to the emotional abuses of shaming, shunning, and slandering by pastors as well as physical abuse. In too many churches, women are blamed or disbelieved or disregarded when asking church leaders for protection from their abusive husbands. And if a woman calls attention to her husband’s abusive behavior, decides to divorce because of abuse, or calls out abusive leaders in the church, she may lose all emotional support, and, sometimes, even membership in her church, often leaving herself more vulnerable than ever to abuse. These negative attitudes and practices toward women are not biblical. The Apostle Paul declared, “You are all sons [people] of God through faith in Christ Jesus, for all you who were baptized in Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are one in Christ Jesus.” (Galatians 3:20-28) James A. Borland1 gives three examples of Jesus’ attitude toward, and treatment of, women: 1) “Jesus regularly addressed women directly while in public. This was unusual for a man to do [in that day],” 2) “He spoke in a thoughtful, caring manner to women,”3) “He held women personally responsible for their own sin as seen in his dealings … Each had the personal freedom and a measure of self-determination to deal with the issues of sin, repentance, and forgiveness.”These negative attitudes and practices toward women are not biblical. The Apostle Paul declared, “You are all sons [people] of God through faith in Christ Jesus, for all you who were baptized in Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are one in Christ Jesus.” (Galatians 3:20-28) Women were treated much like slaves in Jesus’ day. Women stayed home and took care of domestic duties. But Jesus allowed women to travel with Him and the twelve disciples (Luke 8:1-3). Women were rarely even spoken to by men when they ventured outside the home. But as Beth Moore, American evangelist, author, and Bible teacher, wrote in a May 3rd, 2018 post, A Letter to My Brothers, 2 “Many churches quick to teach submission are often slow to point out that women were also among the followers of Christ (Luke 8), that the first recorded word out of His resurrected mouth was 'woman' (John 20:15), and that same woman was the first evangelist." Moore continued, “I’m asking for your deliberate and clearly conveyed influence toward the imitation of Christ in His attitude and actions toward women." Recognizing the disparity between Jesus’ teaching about women, and the treatment of women in many churches today, we need to be asking for the same consideration Beth Moore has asked for. Recently, a friend, Lizbeth Meredith (see her recent guest post), sent me hope of this happening in a description of an interfaith prayer vigil for victims of domestic violence in Kodiak, Alaska. The vigil is a beautiful example of a group of churches making a concerted effort in supporting women in abusive situations, as they believe Christ would have them do. Want my 10 Steps for a more joyful life after divorce?  Sponsored by the Kodiak Women’s Resource and Crisis Center (KWRCC), the vigil is held every October. “It’s a time when the different faith communities get together. We read the names of every domestic violence homicide victim in our young state’s history. The spiritual leaders make sure their various congregations understand that they are resources for victims of abuse. There is no shame or blame for the victims. It’s a powerful experience,” Lizbeth wrote. She graciously put me in touch with Beth Davis, Outreach Coordinator and Faith Advocate at KWRCC. “I advocate for clients who are victims of domestic abuse and sexual assault,” Beth told me in a phone call. “Our mission is to help women develop inner strength and achieve their fullest potential. We are dedicated to the prevention and elimination of Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault by providing education and promoting community awareness.” KWRCC provides resources and crisis services to the community, as well as a shelter for women and their children who are victims of domestic violence and sexual assault. They support a 24-hour crisis line, give the women a space to heal with support groups and classes, and help them access other community services. As part of her work, Beth offers resource information to twenty nine churches plus smaller groups that are a part of the active faith community. She explained that, because Kodiak is a small island, “Everybody knows everybody,” which allows for close communication and cooperation among the churches. “Everybody knows everybody,” which allows for close communication and cooperation among the churches. I asked Beth to tell me more about the vigil. “The prayer vigil is only about an hour long and includes several scripture readings, prayers, songs and hymns, and a message on what domestic violence is and is not. In the three years I’ve been here as Outreach Coordinator, I’ve tried to involve every major denomination as well as people and organizations that encounter victims of domestic abuse and sexual assault. That includes state troopers, the Kodiak police department, law offices, the hospital chaplain, mental health providers, local business people … everybody and every agency we work with in supporting domestic violence and sexual assault victims.
The four-day training, which occurred three years ago, included people from “all kinds of spiritual directions,” and covered domestic violence, sexual assault, and elder abuse, all within the faith perspective. Twelve churches were represented, with pastors, co-pastors and other church leaders attending. “People experiencing abuse don’t always go to their busy pastors,” Beth noted. “They may go to others in the church who are more available and with whom they feel safe. But it’s important to hear from the pulpit that their pastors are advocates.” “We talk about psychological, spiritual, physical, emotional, and financial abuse … everything." I asked Beth what subtopics are covered in “domestic violence.” “We talk about psychological, spiritual, physical, emotional, and financial abuse … everything. “Part of our contract with Safe Havens was to bring a couple of people in the faith community [to Boston] for more training a year later. I was able to bring a Catholic priest and a Russian Orthodox deacon who is also a teacher at the local Russian Orthodox seminary.” “On the surface, most of us can agree that abuse is not good.” “On the surface, most of us can agree that abuse is not good,” Beth said. “But, both the abused and the abusers are sitting in the pews. We need to be painting a picture in our churches of what healthy relationships look like. God has told us a lot about honoring and respecting one another. The Word teaches us how to relate, the Spirit brings conviction when needed, and we are called to walk humbly and compassionately with each other.” To sum up, here are the main actions these churches have taken to support abused women:
1, Borland, James, Jesus's Countercultural View of Women, https://www.crossway.org/articles/how-jesus-viewed-and-valued-women/ 2. Moore, Beth, A Letter to My Brothers, https://blog.lproof.org/2018/05/a-letter-to-my-brothers.html Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? Or encouraged? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com  Photo by Sydney Sims on Unsplash Lizbeth Meredith, author of award-winning memoir, Pieces of Me: Rescuing My Kidnapped Daughters is my guest blogger this week. I was captivated by Lizbeth's story. With it's real-life dramatic twists and turns, it kept me reading. But what has remained with me is her account of overcoming the abuse she experienced at the hands of her husband. And I wanted to know more about the response of her church during that time, and what her faith looks like today. Abused, Ignored, and Finally Restored by Lizbeth Meredith I gave less attention to selecting a husband than I did adopting a kitten. Back in 1985, nearing 21, I was feeling incredibly small, vulnerable, and in need of rescuing. I’d left my volatile family of origin for college at 17. Neither of my parents finished high school, yet I’d set my sights on college. I moved to Washington and made wonderful friends. But scholastically, I belly-flopped. So, I returned to Alaska a collegiate failure and got a job as a maid. I leap when an older man from what seemed like an exotic country (Greece) paid me some attention. I was saved. This man appeared to love everything about me, wanted to be with me constantly, and let me know that he saw everything that came between us -- my friends, my job, my interests -- as a waste of time. Ninety days after first meeting, we married. That love and attention ended just as quickly. It was my idea to leave the charismatic church I’d attended to convert to the Greek Orthodox faith. I wanted my marriage to work. I was happy to learn about my husband’s culture. His language. His family. I ditched my last name for his, erasing my identity for his. The Greek Orthodox Church soon became one of the few places I could go and not raise my husband’s ire. Back in the late 80’s, no one talked about abuse in marriage or domestic violence. We didn’t have the words to name it. It had only recently become illegal for an American man to strike his wife. I never meant to minimize what was happening in my marriage. I just didn’t want to run my husband’s reputation in to the ground so that he’d not be welcome in church again. So instead I hinted at what was going on. “My husband didn’t come home for a week.” (Translation: The kids and I are out of food, and I have no access to money or transportation.) “My husband doesn’t like me to talk about our relationship.” (Translation: My husband doesn’t want people to know how he’s treating me.) “I’m feeling hopeless and afraid in my marriage. (Translation: My husband has threatened to kill me if I try to leave him, or otherwise take the children and disappear.) Perhaps it shouldn’t have surprised me when parishioners said things like “You’ve made your bed. You have to lie in it,” or “You don’t want your kids to have a broken home.” I felt I was being held accountable for my husband’s conduct. Fast forward four and a half years from our wedding day. I was jobless. Hopeless. Then on the floor, near- lifeless. My two-year-old daughter screaming as her father did his best to strangle me. Later, reactions from parishioners were mixed. “Why don’t you forgive and forget? ”Maybe you’re not giving as much to the marriage as you should.” Yet a brave priest reached out and urged me to get an annulment. “This was not your fault. An annulment would allow you to marry again in the Orthodox Church.” I did not get an annulment. Nor did I remarry in the Orthodox Church, or anywhere else, for that matter. I remained wary of investing in a church home again. My trust in God remained, but so did a lasting distrust of all that man-made religions sought to control. What I did do was get a lot of counseling, for me and for my kids. I got a divorce. I got a degree, and then another. And I got a fabulous job as a domestic violence advocate and later found work as a probation officer, where on a good day, I tell both staff, victims, and offenders about the dynamics of domestic violence and the long-term impact growing up in it has on our mental, physical, and even financial health. I remind young people that when making a decision with lifelong consequences such as picking a partner, it merits plenty of time and attention. Last October, I was honored to attend Kodiak, Alaska’s annual interfaith community prayer service for victims of domestic violence, hosted in part by Kodiak Women’s Resource and Crisis Center. For over twenty years, Kodiak’s spiritual leaders set their differences aside and join in a community-wide ceremony to honor the slain victims of domestic violence. There, they remind the community, that (paraphrased): We understand the prevalence of intimate partner violence and its crushing impact. We understand that this (faith) community does not have all the answers, and we refer you to the local shelter for information and support. We understand the secrecy and isolation surrounding domestic violence and invite you to talk about it with us in confidence. The impact a faith community has in addressing (or not addressing) domestic violence is powerful. If more spiritual leaders offered themselves as a support and as a referral source, victims could safely address their safety issues and remain in their faith families. For myself, I ended up with an abiding faith and an ever-growing skepticism of how people organize religion to suit their own needs and promote a power structure rather than please God. And my personal belief from the experience is that a loving God does not want to exclude anyone.  Lizbeth Meredith is the author of award-winning memoir Pieces of Me: Rescuing My Kidnapped Daughters. Pieces of Me was released as audiobook in 2018. Lizbeth lives in Anchorage, Alaska, close to her two grown daughters. She is a member and infrequent attender of a Methodist Church that welcomes women and humans of every gender, race, and orientation as children of God. Recently, Lizbeth spent many weeks agonizing over which kittens to adopt. You may reach Lizbeth at lameredith.com or on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/lizbethmeredithfan or on Twitter@ LizbethMeredith. Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? Or supported? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com  Photo by Fredrick Suwandi on Unsplash You've made the difficult decision to divorce, and you're in shock, trying to navigate your new reality. You'd welcome a little compassion from your church body. But perhaps your experience is like that of too many Christians ... you receive obvious signals you're now considered an outlier. My good friend, Betsy Diedrick, explores this issue in her guest post, Misfit. Misfit There was no happily ever after for you. Just a shattering. The marriage, the hopes for your future together. Two hearts that had become one, now ripped apart, bleeding. Left behind, only raw emotions, rejection, a sense of failure or guilt, financial consequences, and the kids … let’s not even go there. So we turn to God for the solace He promises. And in His arms, He tenderly cradles us through the worst of it, leading us into His Psalms, where we gain just enough buoyancy to come up for a gulp of air. Giving us just enough confidence to venture back into His house for the comfort and encouragement we so desperately seek. Into the arms of … the polite smiles on the stiffened bodies we attempt to hug. Or worse, the cold shoulders we bump into. Because, after all, you did know that infidelity was the only reason for divorce, didn’t you? So why do you now feel so awkward or unwanted in your Christian house of worship that had once fit so snugly? Something has changed. Subtly, or strikingly. The degree to which, will affect your emotions and healing. You have felt their collective verdict … guilty, guilty, guilty! Guilty on all counts of upsetting the status quo, of breaking the unspoken rules. You are different now, you don’t fit the mold of a “Christian couple.” It’s no longer two by two wandering up the plank to board the arc. Just you flying solo as you approach the threshold. As you are about to board the vessel you are quoted an appropriate Bible verse, and the door slides shut in your face. You gape in disbelief from the outside, when the first drop of rain hits your nose. At least, that’s how it feels. The previous wounds of your divorce now have more pain heaped upon them. This new rejection is magnified because, for crying out loud, these are your people, God’s followers who were supposed to come to your aid and support. And they’ve failed you miserably. Why? Why would they ever do that? That answer simply, is because they can’t help themselves. Some only know self-righteousness; they are quick to judge and brilliant with just the right Bible verse to realign your behavior smack dab back into Godly thinking. Ouch! Some, you make uncomfortable. Everything felt safe and secure in church until you changed the balance. What was once stable is now rocking, especially if their marriages might be a little shaky, because let’s face it, at some point we are all vulnerable. Wives’ radar immediately defaults to high alert for divorced females. Group-think bonds them together, keeping you at bay. Add a dash of fear and uncertainty. Could their marriage be next? Or is it that character trait of yours that has caused your downfall, the one that needs to be jerked up on the choke chain. A little dose of ostracization might help you to confess and repent. Oh my! Sad isn’t it? Judge, jury, and executioner. And all you were looking for was some acceptance and support from the people in God’s house who had once seemed so compassionate. Here is the lesson meant for you: If those who have hurt you truly have a heart for God, their time will come. Be assured that He is observing and will teach them their own lessons He wants them to learn, in His timing. Unfortunately for them, His trials, as you well know, can be painful. Nothing happens to you that God has not already filtered through His fingers. He is using your current suffering to purify you, to help you stretch and strengthen, so that one day this experience will enable you to help others in their walk. Although exceedingly painful, He is growing you, teardrop by teardrop, to be more like Him, filling your soul with compassion, and understanding, and love for others. All the things you sought but could not find in His house, because the people there have not yet suffered as you have. They cannot understand, because they may not have reached spiritual maturity. You are different from them now. They feel it. But not different in a bad way, which is the only way they can interpret what they see in your situation. You are different in a beautiful way, because the intensity of your suffering is purifying your soul. And when you are able to heal a little more, and let your guard down just a little, you will begin to see this. You will know it’s there when you have stopped judging and feel empathy for those in your same situation, or any plight. As horrible as this experience has been, the divorce, your painful recovery, any ostracism you have endured, it really is a gift. You see, had you gone along in your day-to-day life, you wouldn’t have needed God as much. And when you don’t need Him, even though you can be grateful, it’s hard to grow. Remember how He wants us to no longer be babes merely drinking milk. You were just served up a seven-course meal. It’s just going to take a little time to digest. A little more time to forgive all those who have hurt you. But after you have transitioned through this, I promise, you will look back and say, “I am different, but not defective. Through my suffering I have become even more beautiful in the eyes of God.” And really, what else ultimately matters? AuthorBetsy Diedrick is a professional writer living in Arlington, WA. A child of God, she writes on topics close to her heart. You can contact her at Betsydiedrick@gmail.com or find out more about her on her website: www.betsydiedrick.com . Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com
The Struggle to Forgive I knew that, as a Christian, I was supposed to forgive my ex. But I struggled, revisiting his many lies and the hurts he inflicted upon me. His betrayal haunted my nightmares and sprung up unbidden during the day. I could barely function. “Go ahead, Lord,” I urged, “roast him and toast him!” “Betrayed” had become the narrative of my life. I made an appointment with my new pastor, hoping he had the magic words that would help me with this task. “Forgiveness is absolutely necessary, and you should do it as soon as possible,” he responded. “Remember, God has forgiven both you and Jim.” He pointed to some of the passages in the Bible that deal with forgiveness. “For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.” Matthew 6:14 “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” Ephesians 4:31-32 There were more verses, and I knew them all. He might as well have said, “Just do it.” Did that help me? Of course not! I felt more shame and frustration for not being ready to forgive  What Forgiveness Looks Like Forgiveness is a Process, not a onetime event I hope by now that pastor has a better understanding of the forgiveness process. Forgiving doesn’t mean we immediately stop feeling hurt or we deny our feelings. I love what Nancy Richards, author of the memoir Mother, I Don’t Forgive You said in a recent interview with Kathy Pooler: “Forgiveness is not an event of immediacy. It’s not a bolt of lightning that brightens the soul and burns the pain to ashes. Forgiveness is a process; one that we must honor with our own healing timetable.” (1) By acknowledging our pain, not just with our heads but with our whole being, we open the door for healing and forgiveness.  How to forgive Ask God God wants us to forgive, but He doesn’t expect us to forgive on our own. He’s a patient God, waiting to help us on our journey of forgiveness when we’re ready to ask Him. Forgive yourself In his book Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don’t Deserve, Lewis B. Smedes wrote: “[Forgiveness] cannot heal our narcissistic resentments toward people for not being all that we expect them to be … Nobody can forgive people for being what they are.” (3) I had to shed the illusion that I could have somehow changed my ex into the person I thought he should be. Eventually I realized my resentment toward him was a waste of my good time. If I had anyone to forgive, it was me for being wrong in my belief I could fix him. I also needed to forgive myself for staying so long and letting him get away with his treatment of me.  Forgiveness doesn’t mean we shouldn’t protect ourselves We can forgive someone even when we don’t trust them. An ex-spouse who has hurt us and remains unrepentant cannot be expected to change because of our forgiveness. I was relieved when I decided to hand over my ex and his problems to God. My job was to take care of me and my stuff. I practiced dealing with my ex as I would a business arrangement, spending as little emotional energy as possible. When the situation called for it, I sought to remind him, in a neutral manner, of his better nature. (I confess it took me a while to get to this point.) Try empathy You probably know your ex better than anyone else. Try to imagine what drove him or her to the behaviors that hurt you so much. Would a healthy person do the same? Probably not. When I think of the parental abuse my ex endured during his childhood, my heart aches for him. That’s not to say I condone his actions, but it helps me see him as a vulnerable human being who didn’t have the capability of being the kind of spouse I needed or wanted. This realization has helped me forgive him. Get help I believe true forgiveness cannot be achieved in the midst of trauma. If you find yourself endlessly recycling hurt and anger as I did, get help. Many churches sponsor divorce recovery support groups led by people who understand what you’re going through. They’ll facilitate your learning how to heal and gain hope for your future. Individual counselors can be helpful, too. I took advantage of both. My counselor put me on anti-depressants until I was able to better cope. Through my divorce recovery group, I gained new friends as we negotiated our newly single lives. Healing and moving forward opened me to gradual forgiveness. Use a little humor Make a list of all your ex’s faults and put them together in a faux dating ad. Would you want to date that guy (or gal), let alone, be married to someone like that? No way! Understand your power to forgive In a Psychology Today article, Lisa Firestone writes, “Learning to forgive helps us to control our story and our feelings to avoid unnecessary pain. As powerful individuals, we can choose between living in a victim mode or an adult mode. In the latter state, we acknowledge and feel the full pain of what happened to us without getting stuck in a triggered state in which we feel it is still happening. We can feel our feelings without letting them overtake us.” (4)  Have I been able to forgive my ex, you ask. When some folks learn I’ve written a memoir about my marriage, divorce, and recovery, they assume I’ve done so to “get back” at him. Although there might have been some truth to that when I first began, revisiting my life has given me a more nuanced perspective. I see the whole man now, with both good and bad qualities. He’s someone I spent a great deal of my life with, and with whom I share a now-grown child. I have enough emotional distance now that he can no longer hurt me. I wish him the best. Imagine you have the power to forgive. Can you feel your shoulders relax and your jaw unclench? Is your walk a little lighter? Just remember, forgiveness takes time. Be gentle with yourself as you follow the path of forgiveness, looking ahead to the many blessings that await you. Blessings,  Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.  I needed advice. My marriage of twenty-five years was in shambles. Years of counseling had not helped us fix our problems, so I made an appointment with the women’s pastor at my new church. “Your decision to stay or go should be based on what God wants you to do or not do. You should be asking Him what He wants from you in your marriage. If you’re leaving to escape the pain, you’ll only find more pain.” My heart sank. This woman was half right about my motivation for wanting to leave; I was seeking to relieve the pain. Happiness was too much to ask for. I also knew she was right that I should talk with God about what He wanted me to do. The problem was, I’d been seeking God’s guidance for several years, and still I had no clear answer. I’d stumbled along, doing the best I knew how to make my marriage work. But, despite my efforts, it continued to get worse. Nevertheless, according to this woman, if I left, I would be facing more pain rather than the relief I was seeking. How God Views Divorce If we believe God causes all things to work together for good to those who love Him, to those who are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28), does that mean that God will work all difficult marriages for good? Always? Is this passage calling us to endure suffering in marriage for the sake of righteousness? And if we choose to divorce despite believing that, will we miss out on God’s working for our good? More than one Christian warned me that this would be my fate. Since I’ve written other posts on this subject, I’ll sum up my understanding here. God calls some of us to stay in difficult marriages, and others He releases from those marriages. I believe He called me to remain in my marriage for as long as I did. During that time, He worked many things for my good. I also believe He released me when the time was right. Want my 10 Steps for a more joyful life after divorce? What the Research Says In reading research on this subject, I learned that the answer to the happiness question varies. A report by the Institute for American Values, “Does Divorce Make People Happier?” found that divorced people are no happier than unhappy couples who choose to stay married. Pepper Schwartz, author of the book Everything You Know about Love and Sex Is Wrong, says this is a flawed study because it included separated people who are most likely to be unhappy. She says data shows that divorced people become happier when the divorce is behind them. A study by the University of Arizona and University of Colorado Boulder, rated types of marriages to determine if women were happier after divorce. Researchers found that women in troubled marriages were much happier after they divorced compared to women who remained married. “Those in the poorest quality relationships may face a variety of negative stressors from which divorce provides a clear relief,” the authors wrote. In an online survey of 2,000 U.S. adults by Avvo, a legal research company, 75 percent of divorced women report having no regrets over the decision to divorce. Sixty-one percent of divorced men say the same. Results of other studies vary. I believe many factors influence the level of happiness of a marriage. Factors may include physical and emotional abuse, age of children and one’s spouse’s influence on the children, finances, fidelity or lack thereof, clashing philosophies and religious beliefs, intimacy issues, different priorities and interests, and inability to resolve conflicts. Issues influencing happiness after divorce include care of children, finances and other assets, support from family and friends, level of education, level of religious faith and support, relationship with the ex, and state of mind to name a few. Feeling Happier Takes Time Be in charge of your happiness, but be patient. Take time for mourning the loss of the hopes and dreams you had for your marriage. Ask the Lord to reveal to you your part in the relationships failure. Revisit why you chose your spouse is helpful. Trying to fill the void right away with someone else rarely ends well. The period immediately after my own divorce was painful. Learning to live on my own after twenty-five years was a huge adjustment. Then, discovering that my husband had remarried within a short time of the divorce, as if our marriage had meant nothing to him, sent me into a tailspin. But I learned to lean on the Lord, and I made the choice to be happy. My divorce did not result in missing out on God’s blessings; He has blessed me abundantly. Leaving was the hardest decision I’ve ever made, but I’m so glad I made that choice. For more ways to experience happiness after divorce, check out my 10 Steps for a More Joyful Life after Divorce. Click here. Blessings,  Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.  Egalitarian Marriage Egalitarian marriages can be found among progressive Christians as well as secular society. The strict egalitarian view is that husbands and wives submit to each other in an equal manner, partners mutually supporting one another. Ideally, both husband and wife strive to equally divide every aspect of their responsibilities. That includes earnings and family-related decision making, housework and parenting, spending and saving. None of these roles are to be considered the purview of one gender or the other. Some folks worry that practicing equality means the end of chivalry. In an article, “6 Things Egalitarian Marriage is Not,” Robin Rhine McDonald writes, “[Egalitarianism] means that wives are considered equal partners with their husbands, capable of making decisions, collaborating, and using their God-given talents and gifting. None of this negates the kindness that is extended by holding open a door.” My marriage ... egalitarian? Frankly, I can’t imagine my own marriage, which I’ve always considered to be egalitarian, to operate in this manner. In fact, it would seem that, if partners attempt to follow this strict definition, the results would be confusion and hurt feelings. They might even need a spread sheet to make sure their tasks remain equal! Finances might be an especially difficult area to achieve equality. A recent article by Claire Cain Miller in The New York Times describes a 2017 Pew Research Center survey in which 71 percent of people believe that good husbands should be able to financially support a family. A new study by the Census Bureau showed that when wives earn more, they tend to under-report their earnings and their husbands tend to over-report their earnings. There are a number of other respected studies that show the impact of wives earning more than husbands. Unfortunately, most of them seem to be negative For me, an egalitarian marriage is... For me, an egalitarian marriage is one in which both of us divvy up responsibilities according to our individual strengths. From the outside, my marriage looks pretty traditional. My husband is a semi-retired mathematics teacher and takes care of our finances. I excel in the home arts and enjoy the creative side of cooking. I like creating a garden, but my husband is stronger, so he does the heavy work. Other roles are fluid and depend on the circumstances of the day. We take turns making breakfast, and my husband often helps me with our evening meals. We both iron! In spiritual matters, we’ve been mutually submissive in choosing our place of worship. We enjoy bible study together and learning from each other’s perspective. In our previous small home group, I led a study on spiritual gifts. My husband leads our current group’s study. Who knows? We might change that up again; it depends on the Holy Spirit’s prompting. My personal view... My personal view is that learning about different styles of marriage helps to facilitate a discussion between partners. But putting a label on one’s marriage may be counterproductive. I’ll stick with the goal of being mutually submissive out of love and respect — with God’s help. What about you? What's your marriage style and how is it working? I invite you to share in the Comment section below. Blessings,  Further reading: Why Conventional Marriage Wisdom Is Wrong John Gottman, Ph.D. Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.  More and more women, both Christian and non-Christian, are no longer willing to tolerate second-class status in the workplace and in a marriage. The result is that men and women are pivoting away from traditional marriage roles. Egalitarian marriages are growing in the secular world, with many Christians are following suit. Let's take a look a today's Christian marriages. The Patriarchal Marriage This is a traditional marriage and is still espoused by most conservative churches. in which women are not encouraged to use their gifts except when they directly serve the needs and desires of their husbands. Husbands have no imperative to listen to their wives’ views or advice. The wife’s role is to serve her husband, their children, and their church. An Important Factor An important factor among progressive Christians is current biblical scholarship that points to the Apostle Paul’s urging husbands and wives to submit to one another. (Ephesians 5:21). However, the interpretation of “submission” is still, and may ever be, debated. The Complementarian Marriage In complementarian marriages, couples practice mutual submission according to their gender roles. Both men and women have equal value in the marriage, with their roles complementing each other, rather than being the same. The husband takes on the role of spiritual leader of the members of his family and is responsible for their care and well-being. He is the final authority, but understands that this authority does not give him the right to rule. Instead, it gives him the responsibility to serve as leader and helper. The Egalitarian Marriage My next post will explore what an egalitarian marriage looks like, so stay tuned. Blessings,  Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.  The parallel between the abuse of women by men in power in the secular world and the abuse of women by men in power in the Christian world is no coincidence. In a previous blog post, I used as examples Harvey Weinstein, disgraced film producer, who prompted the #MeToo movement, and Paige Patterson, disgraced ex-president of Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary whose behavior prompted the #ChurchToo movement. The correlation is no accident! I’ve explored how traditional translations of the bible were heavily influenced by society’s view of the roles of women and men. The sad truth is that the teachings of Jesus and the apostle Paul concerning women, and other low-status peoples, have been skewed by these translations to mean quite the opposite … women as second class citizens who are not due equal respect and benefits. Biblical verses have been used for generations to back up this view. Women were considered by society, including many Christians, to be at the service of men. From the beginning, Eve desired her husband, Adam, and he ruled over her. The apostle Paul is quoted as saying, “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.” Both have been used through the ages to support the notion of men’s superiority and have become examples of biblical patriarchy. You might wonder how divorce fits into this dynamic. Traditionally, and in many conservative churches today, divorce has been considered an unpardonable sin. I won’t get into verses about divorce here. Suffice it to say that traditional translations can be, and often are, interpreted as divorce being forbidden except in the case of adultery by the offending spouse. Some conservatives even find that an insufficient reason to divorce. There was no attempt by these leaders to look further into biblical meaning and context of these verses. Why would they? If women were allowed to have an equal status in the church and in their marriages, male power would be threatened. Church leaders claimed the right to treat women in just about any way they chose. Following the example of church leaders, husbands were also given free rein to “lord it over” their wives. It seems clear to me that disallowing “divorce” from spiritually abusive churches, and actual divorce from physically and emotionally abusive marriages, kept the patriarchal church functioning. Once women would be free, as equal human beings to leave the abuse, the traditional church would come tumbling down. Traditional marriages would change, too. We see that dynamic happening today. The question, now, is what can we learn from the Jesus' teachings to form spiritually healthy churches and marriages. Stay tuned. Blessings,  Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace. |
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12 Steps to a More Joyful Life after Divorce 30 Things to Do When You're Single Forgiveness Self-Assessment Resources for Healing from Spiritual Abuse Your StoryAs long as you are hiding from your pain, you're hiding from helping other people.
Kari Oberbrunner - Author, speaker, coach. If you're interested in sharing your story of divorce and the response of other Christians, email Linda at Linda@LindaMKurth.com for guidelines.
Linda's memoir in progressGod, the Devil and Divorce
A Transformative Journey Out of Emotional and Spiritual Abuse My Perspective
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