Help and Healing for Divorced Christians
Recovering from Divorce?
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Recovering from Divorce?
Get Linda’s 12 Steps for a More Joyful Life after Divorce.
 I'm pleased to introduce Marlene Anderson, an inspirational and motivational speaker, author and life coach as my guest blogger. More about Marlene and her books at the end of this article. “God does not give us a spirit of fear but a spirit of power and love and a sound mind.” —2 Timothy 1:7 What scares you the most on a day-to-day basis? Are you concerned about your job, or your kids or testing positive for cancer? Fears are normal and natural. They help us plan and think and prepare. But they can also become deep-seated anxieties that monopolize our thinking to the exclusion of problem solving. Fears, like anger, can become excessive. They can appear like huge dragons or monsters threatening everything we do to the point where we no longer see options or opportunities. The excessive fears we create in our mind seem just as real as any physical danger we might encounter. In fact, they are probably more resistant and difficult to deal with because once created, we go to great lengths to prove to ourselves and others that they are real. When we do, we set ourselves up for a self-fulfilling prophecy. There are valid reasons for paying attention to fear. Fears are a survival mechanism that tells us to stop, be careful and proceed with caution. However, if our focus remains on the feelings only without searching for solutions to problems they may be pointing to, it creates a sense of helplessness and we stop looking for answers.  Fear of failure reveals our insecurities. Face them and we grow from them. Each of us has strengths and weaknesses. Don’t allow this fear to take over your life. Use it instead to find authentic ways to grow in confidence and become genuine. Fear can drive us to God. It is where I draw my strength and hope for the future every day. Understanding that we have a loving Almighty God who cares about us, guides and strengthens us, is both humbling and empowering. Don’t leave home without Him. Fear can isolate us. We need the support of others. If we constantly fear rejection or humiliation, we will miss out on the wonderful relationships we can have. Fear challenges us to get out of our comfort zone. For example, public speaking is a challenge for most of us and is often avoided. While being pleased at being asked to speak, fear of failure can take over. You can overcome much of your apprehension by looking for opportunities to speak in small comfortable gatherings of friends you trust and with whom you share common interests. The more you do, the more confident you will become. “What am I really afraid of?” Fear begs the question, “What am I really afraid of?” Listen to those inner thoughts. What are they are saying to you? Healthy fear tells you to pay attention to what is happening. Excessive and unhealthy fear tells you nothing will ever be okay. Face your fear -- step out of your comfort zone. Face your fear. Sit down and have a conversation with it. Everybody has fears - some rational, and some irrational. Just as fears protect us, they can also help us grow. Speak to yourself from a position of strength. You have a multitude of talents and abilities. Accept your weaknesses along with your strengths. Take that risk and step out of your comfort zone. Guest Post AuthorMarlene Anderson is an inspirational and motivational speaker, author and life coach. She is the author of A Love So Great, A Grief so Deep and contributing author to It’s A God Thing and Heaven Reaching Earth, available on Amazon. You can listen to her podcasts and read her weekly blogs at her website, www.focuswithmarlene.com. She can be contacted at focuswithmarlene@gmail.com Blog HostLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com
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 If you are in the aftermath of a divorce, you might feel as if you have no compass to guide you through this brand new territory. That was certainly true for me. I read a ton of books trying to understand what happened in my marriage – even wondering at times if I did wrong by divorcing. I wanted to connect more deeply with God. I struggled with forgiveness. I wondered where I fit in the Christian community, and I was anxious about what the future held for me. Would I ever find love again … one that would last and not hurt me? You may be having similar questions. I pray you’ll find some helpful answers in this list of 50 resources I’ve curated for you. Topics include Anxiety after Divorce, What the Bible Says About Divorce, Forgiveness, Personal Divorce & Faith Stories, Meditations and Encouragement after Divorce, Divorce Recovery, Divorce Financial Advice, Dating Again, Being Single, and Self Care. For short reads on these topics, I’ve included links to some of my own blog posts.  Blessings on your healing journey,  P.S. Your comments are welcome on this blog. AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace. Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? Or encouraged? There are hurting people who would like to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com  I'm pleased to introduce Rebecca L. Mitchell as my guest blogger today. Read to the end to find out more about Rebecca and her new book, From Broken Vows to Healed Hearts: Seeking God After Divorce, Through Community, Scripture, and Journaling. In 2012 I did something my mother did that I swore I would never do. With a devastated and heavy heart, after 25 years of marriage, I filed for divorce. In 2009, I discovered a love letter from my husband to another woman. That began the darkest three years of my life as I tried to heal from the unfathomable, examine my own failures without taking all the blame, and salvage our broken marriage. It didn’t work—at least salvaging the marriage part. He wasn’t committed to our vows. I could no longer stay married to him. Although my mother and I both divorced, we experienced very different responses from the church. Although my mother and I both divorced, we experienced very different responses from the church. Both the leaders and members of my mom’s church directly or tacitly blamed her instead of helping her, and all but one saintly woman treated her like a marriage-ruining leper. She left the church and never returned. To any church. I’m grateful and fortunate I did not receive the same vile response. I was able to attend multiple support groups, two of which were Christian-based, where I was supported, not set aside, and loved, not labeled. Maybe it was easier for me partly because I did have biblical grounds for divorce. I’ve heard from so many women who had very different experiences.
What about marriages with ongoing verbal, emotional and/or physical abuse? What about addiction or abandonment? I believe a family’s destruction and the damage done to individuals can occur not only through divorce but also within badly functioning, intact families. Divorce can be the best choice in those situations. No matter what the reason for divorce, even if we aren’t overtly shunned like my mom was, we often hear hurtful responses with a spiritual ring to them: God can heal your marriage; just pray in faith. God is in the business of doing miracles. We’re commanded to forgive. God hates divorce. All of these statements are true to some degree, so how are they hurtful? They’re hurtful when they heap guilt or judgement on the one choosing divorce. They’re hurtful when they pressure a woman to stay married at all costs. They’re hurtful when they dismiss the pain of a devastatingly difficult choice. Even though I lived in denial for a long time and felt blind-sided, God wasn’t surprised. Even though I lived in denial for a long time and felt blind-sided, God wasn’t surprised. He worked miracles not in saving my marriage but in giving me an abundant life afterwards. I have been blessed in many ways—a more lucrative job, a fun new hobby (golf), amazing friends from a healthy Christian singles community, a fulfilling purpose in helping other women heal. Most miraculous of all is getting my book From Broken Vows to Healed Hearts published since I had no following and my middle name is Queen of Good Intentions and Unfinished Projects. God has done miracles but not packaged the way I had imagined.
Kintsugi is the Japanese art of mending broken pottery. Resin is mixed with gold dust and then applied to the broken pottery to hold the pieces together. What was once a ruined vase becomes a stunning work of art with the repair of the broken parts illuminated in gold. This repair becomes part of the history of the piece, which enhances rather than diminishes its beauty. No matter how the church responds or what people say, no matter what trauma we have experienced, no matter what we have done to contribute to our broken marriage, God is willing and able to heal. In all our heartaches, He reaches out to us, beckoning us to turn towards Him to experience His love, grace, and restoration. He is the Master Kintsugi artist of our souls. Guest Author Rebecca’s day job is teaching English composition at a local university. While she loves teaching, she is most passionate about coming alongside women in their healing journeys. With a voice of experience, Rebecca has written From Broken Vows to Healed Hearts: Seeking God After Divorce, Through Community, Scripture, and Journaling and is currently leading a Bible study using her book.  Connect with Rebecca at rebeccamitchellauthor.com Facebook@AuthorRebeccaMitchell Instagram: newrebeccam book link: From Broken Vows to Healed Hearts I highly recommend Rebecca's book for Christian women who are finding their way after divorce. Blessings,  Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? Or encouraged? There are hurting people who would like to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, Email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com   Before we delve into the topic of spiritual abuse, I want to tell you a little story. One day, when I was a teenager, I discovered something interesting about my best friend. We’d been pals since elementary school, shared first names, and had the same initials. Despite those and other exterior similarities, I learned that day we had a character difference. I realized my friend was capable of keeping secrets. In contrast, I told my mom most everything. “I wish my Linda would be more forthcoming with me the way your Linda is with you,” I overheard her mother tell my mother. I realized my friend was capable of keeping secrets. In contrast, I told my mom most everything. I'm not saying my friend's habit was wrong, nor was mine. I relate this story because I’ve not changed all that much over the years. I'm focused on helping Christians heal from divorce and abuse of all kinds. Spiritual abuse can coerce the victim to stay in unhealthy relationships ... the church and even marriage. I've personally experienced spiritual abuse, but was fortunate to have been able to reject it early on. (Read my story here.) But I do relate and am concerned for those whose spiritual abuse has been devastating. I'm all about sharing, but social media gurus caution against providing links beyond one's own blog. As I began to do research for this blog post, I realized that the Internet sources I found were much more helpful and compelling than anything I could write. I'm all for sharing, but social media gurus caution against providing links beyond one's own blog. Nevertheless, I've decided to direct you to the sources I found helpful. Instead of summing up these excellent articles, I've curated eight Internet resources that may be of help to those of you who have suffered from spiritual abuse. Here is your free PDF download. If you are a Christian who has struggled with divorce and faith, checking out these resources may help you understand what you’ve gone through and give you a road map for the future. My hope is that you’ll return here to this blog where you have an opportunity to use your voice to share your story. Not only will that process help in your own healing, you'll be encouraging others. Just as the #MeToo movement is changing our culture, our stories can help change the attitude of the Christian church about spiritual abuse. I encourage you to join us. Blessings,  AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace. Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? Or encouraged? There are hurting people who would like to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com  Divorced Christians often find themselves ostracized by the very churches that once gave them love. That invisible "No Longer Welcome Sign" tears at the heart and leaves an already hurting person with deeper pain. Why do so many Christian churches shame and shun their own people? A false interpretation of the bible may be one reason. Sometimes there is also fear that the "divorce germ" may spread, influencing others to leave their spouses. Whatever the reason, the victims of this behavior often leave church, never to return. I've been in those shoes. One pastor told me straight out that since I'd been the one to choose divorce, I could never be a full participant in his church. "Why don't you go to the church down the road?" he suggested. I decided to "kick the dust off" of his church and follow his advice. Here's what I know about finding and loving the church where you belong: 1. Ask questions Is the church a place where you will hear God's word? Does it adhere to Biblical principles? Is it a place where you will find encouragement? A chance to fellowship with other believers? A place where you can use your gifts and talents? What programs does the church offer? If your newly divorced, does it have a divorce care ministry? 2. Conduct interviews Conduct interviews with the pastor and/or church leaders in person or on the phone. Talk with members you know. Study any literature they have about the denomination. Look at their website. 3. Be wise Look for possible areas that would make you stumble: the position of women in the church, a personality cult around the pastor, the amount of authority the church exercises in its members' lives, etc. 4. Attend a membership class Continue to ask questions of, and become acquainted with, its leaders and members. Read Paul's letters to the Corinthians for specifics on what a church ought and ought not be. Also read Peter's warnings. II Peter 2:1-3 Did the "church down the road" meet my needs? Yes, for a time, mostly because it had a large singles ministry where I found my "tribe," and I liked the preaching. However, because I disagreed with it's position on women's role in the church, I did not join. Have you found yourself unwelcome in your church? Don't despair; keep looking. There's a fellowship out there that's going to nurture you with truth and Godly love. Blessings,  AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace. Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? Or encouraged? There are hurting people who would like to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com  Even though I write a lot about divorce, I’m definitely pro-marriage ... especially my own! This past weekend, my hubby and I attended a seminar titled "How We Love" presented by Milan and Kay Yerkovich. Kay is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Milan is a former pastor and has a counseling practice. Together, they’ve written the book, How We Love, that describes how they help individuals and couples discover their love styles. Tune-ups can often take a marriage to an even higher level. As our understanding of human behavior grows, so does opportunity for better communication and interaction. And, even though you and your spouse or other significant person in your life may be on really good terms, tune-ups can often take thatmarriage to an even higher level. In going through counseling after leaving my long-term marriage, I was asked to identify my part of our dysfunction. I knew on an intellectual level that surely I had a role, but, since my husband’s behavior was so glaring, I had difficulty identifying where I’d gotten off track, too. That’s the way life is, isn’t it? Our egos help shield us from our own faults. That’s the way life is, isn’t it? Our egos help shield us from our own faults. At the conference, we learned how our love styles are formed at a very early age, and continue to influence us as adults. Understanding our childhood patterns makes owning our adult behavior much easier. Understanding the source of our mate’s behavior also elicits empathy rather than blame. It gives a means of recognizing and dialoging about the marriage dynamic. Don’t get me wrong; not every marriage can and should be saved. But, if yours is basically a good one, I encourage you to cherish it and take time to nourish it. Seeking out opportunities such as How We Love, is a great way to do so. Blessings,  AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace. Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? Or encouraged? There are hurting people who would like to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com  Rick Snodgrass, Pastor CTK - Skagit While writing a few blog posts about domestic abuse of women within the global church, I began to wonder about my own church, a network of congregations called Christ the King. I approached our new pastor, Rick Snodgrass, concerning this issue. His eyes lit up. "My previous church had a wonderful program," he responded. "I'd love to describe it on you blog." Loving On Victims of Domestic Abuse |
| So I dragged my feet; my fear of leaping into the unknown was worse than staying. Until it wasn’t. Little did I know my fears would be magnified when I finally left, with nightmares, two panic attacks, and a hallucination. I write about these fears in my up-coming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce. |  |
One of my Beta readers, a non-Christians commented, “I thought a strong Christian faith brings peace and tranquility.”
Ouch! How do I answer that? After some pondering, I’d say that God doesn’t just snap His fingers and all is rainbows and bunnies. We are students at His feet, growing in knowledge of Him. And often we are not ready to learn until we go through hard times and realize we can’t rely on ourselves alone.
That was me. Thankfully, God was patient, encouraging me to learn to trust Him and His provision. Learning to let go of my fear was a process, not an overnight-transformation. There were days I had to make the effort to lay aside my fears on an hourly basis.
The Lord wants our participation in the healing. We are to listen to Him so He can direct our paths. I asked God for guidance, and received much help along my road to recovery, taking advantage of several tools for healing that were available to me. As I did the best I could, God came through for me in miraculous ways.
That was me. Thankfully, God was patient, encouraging me to learn to trust Him and His provision. Learning to let go of my fear was a process, not an overnight-transformation. There were days I had to make the effort to lay aside my fears on an hourly basis.
The Lord wants our participation in the healing. We are to listen to Him so He can direct our paths. I asked God for guidance, and received much help along my road to recovery, taking advantage of several tools for healing that were available to me. As I did the best I could, God came through for me in miraculous ways.
Like the woman who wrote on my blog, I hoped to marry again someday. I was able to put aside my fears of being alone, and told the Lord I would wait for the man of His choosing. I was fifty-eight when I met the love of my life. From our conversations, it was clear God had a hand in our finding each other. I pray the woman who wrote me will wait upon the Lord, trusting she will find the love she is seeking at the perfect time in her life.
I want you to know that, even though you will probably experience some level of fear, with the Lord’s help, you can get through it. Click here for 10 tools that will help you as you seek to overcome divorce fear.
Blessings,
I want you to know that, even though you will probably experience some level of fear, with the Lord’s help, you can get through it. Click here for 10 tools that will help you as you seek to overcome divorce fear.
Blessings,
Author
Linda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.
Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? Or encouraged? There are hurting people who would like to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com
I’m disappointed. In my last post, I promised to highlight some success stories of domestic abuse victims who have been helped by their churches. I didn’t want to “out” anyone. I simply wanted concrete evidence that these programs are working.
I’ve contacted Safe Havens, an interfaith organization that trains churches on how to help victims. I’ve sent messages to churches that I know have programs in place: the Presbyterian Advocacy Committee for Women’s Concerns, to the United Methodist Justice Committee. I’ve asked people I know personally. And I’ve got nothing. I failed and I’m sorry.
However, I also promised to give you a list of resources. That I can do. The following are only a few of the many Internet and other resources available.
Resources for Victims of Domestic Abuse
https://www.thehotline.org
The first thing a victim of domestic abuse can do is to call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. The hotline is open 24/7. Caller’s information is kept private, and the safety of the caller is a primary concern. The organization’s mission is to “answer the call to support and shift power back to people affected by relationship abuse.” It is supported by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, the U.S. Department of Justice, Office for Victims of Crime, and partners at the NFL and Mary Kay Inc. Resources of publications and local agencies are offered online at
Resources for Victims in Crises and those in the Process of Healing
- Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life
- Family and Youth Services Bureau
- Family Violence Prevention Services
- What Jesus Says About Women: You Are Not “Less Than”
- Love Like You've Never Been Hurt: Hope, Healing and the Power of an Open Heart
- What Jesus Says About Women: You Are Not “Less Than”
- Here's one resource I've found specifically for men: Recognizing Emotional Abuse After Divorce
- Also, check out your local church and community resources.
- 6 Steps to Support a Survivor
- Intimate Partner Violence: How Churches Can Circumvent Domestic Violence
- 15 Books on Domestic Violence for Pastors, Believers, and Survivors
- 30 Strategies for Fighting Abuse in the Church
- Combating Domestic Abuse in the Church
- Linking Arms to STOP the Emotional and Spiritual Abuse of Women of Faith
- National Resource Center on Domestic Violence
- Presbyterian Advocacy Committee for Women’s Concerns
- Safe Havens
- United Methodist Justice Committee
Blessings,
Author
Linda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.
Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? Or encouraged? There are hurting people who would like to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com
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12 Steps to a More Joyful Life after Divorce
30 Things to Do When You're Single
Forgiveness Self-Assessment
Resources for Healing from Spiritual Abuse
12 Steps to a More Joyful Life after Divorce
30 Things to Do When You're Single
Forgiveness Self-Assessment
Resources for Healing from Spiritual Abuse
Your Story
As long as you are hiding from your pain, you're hiding from helping other people.
Kari Oberbrunner - Author, speaker, coach.
Kari Oberbrunner - Author, speaker, coach.
If you're interested in sharing your story of divorce and the response of other Christians, email Linda at Linda@LindaMKurth.com for guidelines.
Linda's memoir in progressGod, the Devil and Divorce
A Transformative Journey Out of Emotional and Spiritual Abuse
A Transformative Journey Out of Emotional and Spiritual Abuse
My Perspective
What I believe God wants us to know about Christian divorce.
Recommended Reading
Instone-Brewer, David. Divorce and Remarriage in the Church: Biblical Solutions for Pastoral Realities, Downers Grove
Is Divorce the unforgivable sin? | Andrew Farley
Divorce and Remarriage | Andrew Farley
Quoting and Linking
Unless otherwise noted, all contents © 2017 Linda M. Kurth. If you quote this blog, please cite and provide a link back. Thank you.
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