Help and Healing for Divorced Christians

"Church Hurt" and "Spiritual Abuse" : An Interview

4/24/2018

An Interview with Cliff Tadema, Pastor, *Christ the King - Skagit
by Linda M. Kurth

I had the privilege a couple of weeks ago, of sitting down with my pastor, Cliff Tadema, and discussing his sermon series on Church Hurt. I feel dialoguing with church leaders on this subject is important, and I wanted to share our conversation with you, dear readers.

Linda to Cliff:
As you know, I’m concerned about “church hurt" and
“spiritual abuse” in regards to Christian marriage and divorce. You titled your three-part sermon series, “Church Hurt,” so I was particularly attentive. Thank you for finding the time in your busy schedule to discuss this issue further.
Cliff: You’re most welcome.

Linda: I Googled the terms, and these are the definitions that seem to fit:

“Church Hurt” is any sort of emotional or physical pain felt because of something done or said by another professing Christian.
“Spiritual Abuse” is when Christians use the Bible to exert some kind of control over other Christians. I call it “hitting someone over the head with the Bible," and seems to be a more specific form of church hurt.

The Churches Child Protection Advisory Service United Kingdom defines Spiritual Abuse this way:

Would you agree with these definitions of “church hurt” and “spiritual abuse”?

Cliff: I would say spiritual abuse is consistently using a position of authority to impose something on somebody or to exert control over them through misapplying scripture. “Church hurt” doesn’t necessarily involve biblical interpretation and may be only a one-time event.

Linda: In your sermon, you mentioned two sources of church hurt, organizational and personal. Would you please explain the differences?

Cliff: Organizational means the message is coming from the top down. It permeates the entire church from the leaders, down on through the congregation. It’s often unspoken. Personal use of church hurt comes from an individual who might not reflect the attitude of church hierarchy or the majority of its members. In both cases, the hurt often comes from a lack of grace extended.

Linda: You laid out Four Steps for Dealing with Church Hurt:

Linda: I confess I’m bothered by step one. People in abusive situations are already prone to questioning themselves. I’m thinking of, say, a woman who is in an abusive marriage, and her pastor insists she needs to stay in her marriage and that she is the cause of the abuse. I would think that asking her to examine herself might not go over so well.

Cliff: I’m not talking about “abusive self-examination.” I’m talking about understanding what you can control … that’s you and only you. Ask the Lord to show you how to go through this. Ask Him, what do you want me to learn?” Forget about the person who hurt you. That person is responsible before God. You have no control over his or her behavior.

For example, I spent a year obsessing over the terrible lies spread about me by someone who had been close. It hurt me personally and professionally. My counselor told me to stop thinking about that person and just look at myself. I asked the Lord,” Is there any part of this that’s true? If there is, show me, because I know you love me and you’ll help me correct whatever it is.”

Linda: Are the four steps are applicable to both personal and organizational hurts?

Cliff: The first step for sure; look at yourself and how you respond to the situation. The second one, no. The Matthew passage is about restoring a personal relationship. Confronting the institution is quite different. I imagine it would take several people who have suffered spiritual abuse by the leaders to confront them. It might be best to “dust your feet off’ and find people who love Jesus.

Linda: What about steps three and four?

Cliff: We need to offer grace where we would want grace.

Personally, I struggled with Step Three. That situation I mentioned … I couldn’t let go of it. Finally, God asked me if I wanted judgment or mercy. Of course I wanted mercy. The Lord impressed on me that I needed to ask the same for that person who hurt me. I realized that was the right thing to do. It took me a while, but once I did, the burden was lifted. Unforgiveness creates bitterness, and we need to ask the Holy Spirit to help us choose grace in all situations.

Step Four, fix your eyes on Jesus, speaks for itself.

Linda: In your second sermon, you spoke of “Man’s Church” versus “God’s Church.” “Man’s church looks at the External instead of Internal. Man’s church is all about what it looks like and what you do to look right. It’s about conformity. Man’s church uses fear as a calling card. God’s church is from the Holy Spirit and focuses on what’s in our hearts, on our love for God and mankind.”

You say we should not judge, but isn’t the act of determining which kind of church you are in a matter of judgment? And isn’t the act of deciding that certain actions by church leaders are of God or of man an act of judgment?

Cliff: Interesting question. So the Bible talks about two kinds of judging. Holding someone up to a standard that you yourself can’t meet is one kind. The Bible talks about how foolish it is to point to a sliver in another’s eye when you have a plank in your own eye. On the other hand, we are told to discern the spirits. We can ask where the spirit is coming from. Is it the Holy Spirit or some other spirit? That’s where judging comes in.

Here’s my own judgment about the churches in America today: I fear that over seventy percent of them are operating with the wrong spirit. Whether it’s said or not said, they believe that the good news of the gospel is to accept Jesus Christ and then be bound by all these laws you must obey. I don’t believe that’s what the Bible says. I think the Bible is very clear, and Paul goes at great lengths in his letters to Christians in different places to not mix the law with the spirit.

Linda: Our home group is studying the chronological journeys of the apostle Paul. He had quite a time with the Judaizers mucking things up, didn’t he?

Cliff: Yep, this has been going on since the beginning of the church. The reason Paul was so upset about it … even the Gentiles took on the law, though the whole point of Jesus dying on the cross was to free us from the law. The simplicity of the gospel is that you trust the Holy Spirit that is within you.

There are only two commands - love God, and love people. Trust the Spirit to lead you. When the Spirit is inside you, it manifests in the fruits of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. We can’t generate these things on our own. When you allow the Holy Spirit to lead you, you automatically become joyful. You don’t have to strive to fake it. That’s why we focus at Christ the King on keeping the main thing the main thing, having as few rules and conditions as possible. We want to be a grace-filled church, not a law-focused church.

Jesus said, “I didn’t come to abolish the law, but to fulfill it.” What does fulfill mean? It’s done! It’s complete! There’s no more to do! Now, let us walk with the Spirit. But that’s challenging because it means we give up our desire to be in control. We have to walk with the Spirit.

It’s a scary place for a church to step into. We should be supporting and encouraging one another. With divorce, for instance, instead of relying on the law to steer people, we have heart-to-heart discussions and soul-searching. I can only counsel people and trust in the Holy Spirit to convict them of the right way to go. If they choose to take a different path from where God wants them, He can still forgive them when they recognize the error of their ways. In the meantime, we can love them while being honest with them.

Linda: The fruits, or lack of them, certainly give us clues as to what kind of person or church organization we’re dealing with, don’t they?

Cliff: Absolutely.

Interview to be continued next week: "Spiritual Abuse by the Church: A Response"

Blessings,

Author

Linda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issue. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.

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Why and How We Tell Our Stories

4/19/2018

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Anne LaMott, in Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life, tells of her brother's struggles with writing a school report on birds. Their father responds by suggesting that his son begin by focusing on one bird at a time, "bird by bird."

Do you have a divorce and faith story burning inside of you but you don't consider yourself a writer and you don't know where to start? I've been encouraging those of you who have stories of divorce and faith, to share them here. Linda K. Thomas has beautifully explained why we would want to do so in this compelling meme she created for her blog, Spiritual Memoirs 101.

Beginning is the most important step. Send me a brief outline of your divorce and faith experience. If I find it appropriate for this blog, I will help you shape it into a small essay to be shared here. Once you've accomplished that, you could be on your way to writing a memoir. But lets' not get ahead of ourselves. Think bird by bird.

Blessings,

Author

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Resources for Healing from Spiritual Abuse

4/9/2018

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One day, when I was a teenager, I discovered something interesting about my best friend. We’d been pals since elementary school, shared first names, and had the same initials. Despite those and other exterior similarities, I learned that day we had a character difference.

“I wish my Linda would be more forthcoming with me the way your Linda is with you,” I overheard her mother tell my mother.

I realized my friend was capable of keeping secrets. In contrast, I told my mom most everything.

I'm not saying that my friend's ability to keep secrets was wrong. I relate this story because I’ve not changed all that much over the years. I only keep cards close to my chest when I’m playing cards or have moral or ethical constraints.

I’m all about sharing, but social media gurus caution
against providing links beyond one’s own blog.

They liken it to sending someone to a shop down the street, never to see that customer again. But my goal is to advocate for grace and healing of divorced people within the Christian church, and my proclivity is to share what I know and how I came to know it. I don’t see other blogs and resources as competition.

I’ve combed the Internet and curated eight of the best FREE resources
for divorced Christians who’ve experienced spiritual abuse.

If you are a Christian who has struggled with divorce and faith, checking out these resources may help you understand what you’ve gone through and give you a road map for the future. My hope is that you’ll return here to this blog where you have an opportunity to use your voice, share your story, and support others. Not only will that process help in your own healing, you'll be helping others who are brave enough to tell their stories. Just as the #MeToo movement is changing our culture, our stories can help change the attitudes of the Christian church against Spiritual Abuse. I encourage you to join us.

Blessings,

Author

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Tell Your Christian Divorce Story

3/27/2018

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Are you a Christian who has a story to tell about how your church reacted when it learned of your decision to divorce? Where you shamed? Shunned? Labeled?

Just as the MeToo movement has helped the healing of sexually abused victims by sharing their stories, you may find healing in being able to tell your Spiritual Abuse story.

By sharing our stories, we can bring to light the Pharisaical attitudes too many churches practice against its divorced parishioners. Let's raise our voices as we seek to spare others the pain the church has inflicted upon us.

On the other hand, perhaps your's is a grace-filled church, a good model for embracing divorced people with love and acceptance. Let's hear your stories too. My purpose is to not to destroy the church, but to seek to heal it as it learns to aid in healing the divorced.

I urge you to join me in advocating for grace and healing of divorced people within the church by sharing your stories here.

I am a writer of the up-coming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, and I want to help you tell your own story. Message me at https://www.facebook.com/LindaMooreKurthWriter.

Blessings,
Linda

Author

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How I Became a Target of Spiritual Abuse

3/21/2018

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The letter came as a surprise. It was addressed to me, even though the return address showed it was from a Promise Keeper friend of my newly divorced husband. My stomach churned as I began reading his letter.
"You desired illegitimate authority in you home and now you are worse off than before [the divorce.] You no longer have the spiritual covering of your husband and are open to Satan's attacks," he declared.
He went on to say, "I recommend you find a church where there is strong male headship and no compromising of clear scripture." And ""I see you as an incredibly controlling person...God can soften your stiff neck and heart of stone, but it will be His way or no way." On it went for three pages.
My heart pounding, I jumped into my van and headed for the freeway where I could scream my head off without anyone hearing me. I knew I couldn't let this man's accusations go, but how on earth was I to answer him?

You'll have to wait until my memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, gets published to discover what I did next.

Are you a Christian who has experienced spiritual abuse in response to your decision to divorce? What did you do about it? I hope you'll share with readers here as we advocate for healing and grace for divorced persons within the church.

Author

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Twelve Things I’m Glad I Did after My Divorce

3/15/2018

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The period following a divorce is often called “Crazy Time.” We are prone to lose our footing and can be tempted to do unwise things we wouldn’t do in saner periods. When my first husband left me after five and a half years of marriage, I was set adrift. In my pain, I made decisions I would grow to regret.

The end of my second marriage after twenty-five years was even more devastating. But the upside of having been through the previous divorce, gave me valuable insight into following a better path to recovery. Here are twelve things I'm glad I did over a three year period after my divorce.

Here are twelve things I’m glad I did the second time around.

1. I had compassion for myself.

I had used much psychic energy trying to save my marriage, and the ending of that effort left a big hole in my life. I understood it might take me a while to adjust to the absence of that burden.
I cycled between feeling scared and feeling brave, and gave myself a pass for being confused.

2. I chose to pamper myself.

I bought myself silk pajamas. I purchased new sheets, discarding the ones my husband and I had slept on as a couple.
I took frequent naps and listened to my favorite soothing music.
I drank Champagne with my dinners and snacked on chocolate.
I immersed myself in good books while soaking in the tub until the water turned cold.

3. I allowed my friends and relations to help me.

Instead of hiding away, I expressed my needs. This made it easier for those who wanted to come along side me know how they could help. For example, one friend showed up to help pack for my move but ended up walking and talking with me instead, because that’s what I needed most at that moment.
My cousins rallied around me and helped me move.
Friends called me once a week, invited me to movies, and listened when I needed a compassionate ear.

4. I found a counselor who understood me.

I discovered my first counselor didn’t understand my faith and how it affected my struggle with divorce. I was not shy in asking for a referral, and found a second counselor who better fit my needs.
I took the anti-depressants my new counselor prescribed until I felt more like myself.

5. I stretched myself, trying things I hadn’t previously thought I was capable of doing.

I bought my own place for the first time, making all the necessary decisions myself.
Upon receiving the keys to my townhouse, I claimed ownership and responsibility for it from top to bottom as I straddled the rafters in the attic and became covered in spider webs and insulation in the crawlspace.
I tackled household repairs that once were my husband’s purview. Sometimes I laughed at my efforts, such as when I tackled the plumbing of the bathroom sink, and water spewed everywhere.
I went back to school, which entailed a technical component I would have resisted in my previous life. Although I was intimidated, I was able to conquer the subject, building up confidence.

6. I worked out with a personal trainer who kept me accountable.

Having someone who cared about my physical well-being helped keep me grounded.
Being physical helped me work out the pain and anger my body had stored for so long.
As I grew physically more able, confidence in my abilities in other areas increased.

7. I took dance lessons.

I wanted to exercise in a fun way.
I wanted to try something I’d long wanted to do.
I wanted to socialize in a safe environment.

8. I tried to stick to a routine.

Regular appointments with my trainer, everyday walks with my dog, taking dance lessons, and attending Sunday services were helpful.
Though my appetite was severely compromised, I ate at least a little something at regular mealtimes.

9. I dropped the few friends who were inclined to be negative and sought out new single friends.

I’d had enough negativity in my life. It was time to seek out those who could lift me up and were able to receive the same from me.
Joining the singles group at my new church was a life-line. Many of us could relate to one another’s challenges. I participated in group activities and formed tight friendships with some of the other women.

10. I joined a divorce recovery group.

In that group, there was always a listening ear as we shared our struggles in understanding what had happened in our marriages.
We were encouraged to make healthy decisions for ourselves as we worked at moving forward.

11. I found a church that accepted me as a hurting divorced person.

Although I’d been very active in my church before my move and divorce, I realized this was a time for me to be fed. I tested a few churches before I found one that supported its adult single attendees.
I joined the church choir. It felt good using the talent God gave me.

12. I decided not to date for a year after the divorce.

I knew I had to heal before I could be ready for a healthy relationship.
I was lonely and would have loved to have been in a good man’s arms, but I didn’t trust my discernment.
Rushing into a new relationship would have been a big mistake.
This turned out to be one of the best decisions I made during my recovery.

I can’t say I’m glad I went through my first divorce, but I believe God was able to help me apply that experience for a better result during my recovery the second time around. I understand no two peoples' recovery looks exactly alike, and that there are many factors involved. But I'm hoping that by sharing what I learned, those of you dealing with divorce may derive some benefit by learning what worked for me.

Have you gone through a divorce? What tips can you offer readers who are facing the challenge of divorce recovery? I hope you'll share in the comment section below and perhaps help someone else.

Author

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Divorce Fantasy or The Little Red Couch

3/5/2018

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The decision to divorce usually happens over a period of time ... several years in my case. Often, fantasy is involved in forming that decision, since it's impossible to predict what a post-divorce life might entail.
Since I'd been an interior designer, I often fantasized what the interior of my new home would look like. Time and time again, the image of a red chenille couch came into my head. I imagined cuddling up into its warm embrace, escaping for a time the challenges of forging a new way of being in the world.
Since my husband and I had recently moved and I had no job, I had to be resourceful in finding ways of squirreling away money for that couch. Birthday money. Damage compensation money from the move. Etc.
When the divorce finally became a reality however, my husband revealed he'd discovered the money and spent it. Nevertheless, here sits that couch in my current living room today.

When my memoir, God, the Devil and Divorce, finally gets published, you'll read how my fantasy came true despite that money being gone.

Author

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Meeting the Earthly Love of My Life

2/12/2018

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It was on the dance floor where I met the love of my life.

My up-coming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, tells how the Lord upheld me in my darkest days and led me into the light. Leaving my husband after twenty-five years of marriage was one of the most difficult decisions I’ve ever made. It left me an emotional wreck. But, little by little, I began to find my new place in the world. Taking up ballroom dancing helped me find my footing. (Pun intended.)

I’d hoped to meet a forever love someday...

I’d hoped to meet a forever love someday, but I’d promised the Lord I would rely on Him and accept what He wanted for me. I vowed to be patient and trust in His timing. It was on the dance floor where I met the love of my life. This month marks our fifteenth wedding anniversary, as my husband and I celebrate the kind of marriage we both always longed for.

I believed the Lord wanted me to conduct any romantic relationship according to His guidance. So, when I met Bill, I made it clear where I stood. Bill affirmed that he had made the same vow, and so began our courtship. You’ll have to wait to read the book to see how our courtship followed God’s design.

When friends tell us how lucky we were to meet, we gently correct them by telling them the Lord was our matchmaker and we have been blessed. Bill and I thank God everyday for the life we have together.

Author

Have you experienced a faith-based courtship? I'd love to hear your story.

Blessings,
Linda

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A Christian Question

2/6/2018

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“This is well written, Linda,” said one of my critique partners, “but I would never buy your book. I can’t relate to your struggle in deciding to divorce. I mean, I believe in God and all that, but trying to live by what the Bible says, besides a few basic principles, doesn’t interest me. Doesn’t God just want us to be happy?”

I smiled. “Aah, That’s an interesting question and maybe not as simple as you imagine. I’ll tell you this—if you haven’t seriously asked yourself what is pleasing to God, I wouldn’t expect you to find this story of value. But in the Christian circles that I’ve been a part of, there are men and women like myself, who do ask these questions. In fact, I would guess that divorce among Christians and their relationships is typically more angst-generating then in society in general. What especially interests me is the conflicting answers we come up with. That’s pretty much what my story is about, and those are the readers I want to reach.”

God, the Devil, and Divorce: A Memoir of Heartache and Redemption, is not for everyone. And if you do read it when it’s published, you may not agree with my decisions and conclusions. But it very well might get you to thinking and talking about this subject with one another. In my book, that’s a good thing.

Author

What is your understanding of Christian divorce? I hope you'll join this conversation.

Blessings,
Linda

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Writing, Rewriting, and Revising a Memoir: Part 3

1/27/2018

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Mentor Texts and How I Finished the Memoir

In writing my memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, I encountered many road blocks. Parts 1 and 2 tell of the beginning and middle of my journey. This final part tells of how I finally reached my goal of finishing.

Reading craft books can get old, so I decided to study well-received divorce memoirs. They became my “mentor texts.” I made a list of elements to study in each: structure, self-reflection, back story, and character development. I identified back story and self-reflection as my biggest challenges, so paid particular attention to how other memoirists handled those.

I began looking for a professional editor.

After another major rewrite, I began looking for a different professional editor. I read a post that suggested a writer could ask for a sample edit before deciding if the editor would be a good fit. I did just that and found someone wonderful. She gave me as many “at-a-girls” as suggestions for improvement. Of course, this called for another revision.

Mentor Texts

I’ve finally “finished” the 60,000 word memoir. What now? Since I want my memoir published by a traditional publisher, now would seem to be a time to look for an agent. I’ve learned there are three major elements that attract an agent and/or publisher: a good concept and title, a well-written manuscript, and a substantial email list. Why an email list you may ask. These days, publishers don’t like to take risks on unknown authors, particularly memoir authors. An email list shows the publisher there is an audience for the writer’s work. Most email lists these days are built by subscriptions to the writer’s blog. Before I begin to look for an agent who will then begin to look for a publisher, I need to be attracting for subscribers for my blog.

Finding blog subscribers means I need compelling content.

Finding subscribers means I need compelling content. Since I feel called to contribute to the conversation among Christians about how God views divorce, the blog is a natural vehicle for conversation on this topic. I’m inviting Christians to contribute their own stories of judgement or support from their churches while going through a divorce. I also discuss healthy ways of recovering from divorce. As word gets out, my email list will naturally grow.

Does all this mean I’m done with revisions?

Not at all. Once I find an agent, he or she will likely suggest some revision. And once that agent finds a publisher, in all likelihood, I will be asked for a final revision. Only then, when my book is on its way to the printer, will I be finished with revisions.

Just so you know, not all memoirs have to be as tough to write as mine. If you feel to compelled to write your own, I say, go for it!

Blessings,
Linda

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