Help and Healing for Divorced Christians

Forgiving Myself for Trying to Save My Marriage

1/1/2020

Woman pleading with her husband

“I’m glad to see that you’re working on forgiving your ex,” my counselor told me. “This is an important step in freeing yourself from the trauma of living in a toxic relationship. But have you considered forgiving yourself?”

I gasped. “What are you saying? I did the very best I could to keep our marriage together. In fact, I feel like a fool working so hard at it. It wasn’t until I discovered my husband’s affair that I finally gave up. I’m the victim here!”
My counselor smiled indulgently. “I know, Linda, but that’s my point. You tried so hard and it didn’t work. As you just said, you ended up feeling like a fool. I suspect you’re not just carrying anger toward your ex, but toward yourself as well. Let’s explore that.”

Through my counselor’s guidance, I discovered he was right about my displaced anger.

I was angry with myself for falsely believing my husband would see the logic of living an emotionally healthy life and would eventually choose that path.
I was angry with myself for attempting to convince myself that my husband’s good qualities outweighed the bad.
I was angry with myself for not listening to my inner voice telling me my husband’s behavior was not acceptable and should not be tolerated.
I was angry with myself for believing I had the power to change my husband’s behavior.
I was angry with myself for trusting my husband would never willingly choose to hurt me emotionally.
I was angry with myself for hanging on too long to a marriage that clearly was never going to heal.
I was angry with myself for not trusting God and myself that I would have been okay had I left my marriage earlier.

Forgiving myself for these false notions took some work.
I’m happy to report the results.

I’ve made mistakes, but I’m human and I did the best I knew how. That has to be okay.

I had invested much in my relationship, including having a child with my husband. I am not a quitter, and giving up on my marriage seemed like throwing out much of that investment. I now realize that the good returns on that investment were not worth the cost. I was right to call an end to it.
I learned I can’t fix other people, but I don’t blame myself for attempting to help someone I loved.
A propensity to see the best in people is not a character flaw. It comes from a loving heart. However, I’ve grown wiser about relationships from this experience.
Despite my fears, I ultimately overcame them, leaving even when I couldn’t predict my future.
My marriage and divorce has taught me valuable lessons. I’m much more capable than I once believed. When fear invades my thinking, I remind myself I’ve overcome a great deal and am capable of continuing to do so.
I’ve learned to trust my God-given instincts and to act upon them.
I’ve become better at self-care and have learned to respect myself. To be blunt, I’m no longer disposed to put up with crap.
My trust in God has deepened. The Lord has proven His faithfulness to me over and over.

The Bible tells us to put away all anger and bitterness. Freeing myself from self-recriminations has made a world of difference in being able to move forward and forge a new, happier life. If you’ve been carrying anger toward yourself, try making your own lists ... what things you're angry about, and how you choose to forgive yourself. I hope reading about my experience will help you move forward.

Wishing you every happiness,

Author

Linda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.

Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? Or encouraged? There are hurting people who would like to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com

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How to Help a Loved One in an Abusive Relationship

11/12/2019

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"No one teaches us how to support a friend in peril. Whether it’s after a divorce, a miscarriage, a job loss, or the death of a child, people mean well, but the wrong words can come burbling forward," writes Lizbeth Meredith.

Lizbeth has had extensive experience with this subject, being an abuse victim herself, and then working with the abused and their families. The following paragraphs are an excerpt from her video course, How to Help When Your Friend is Being Abused. I've reviewed this course and know it's applicable to helping a loved one or family member who is a victim of domestic abuse. Here's Lizbeth's advice:

One of the most challenging roles is supporting a loved one who is being abused in an intimate relationship. Because too often, after your loved one discloses awful truths to you in confidence and commits to leaving the abuser, the tide changes. The abusive partner demonstrates remorse. Apologies are made. Flowers are sent. Behaviors temporarily improve. And just like that, your friend softens her story, maybe recants it, or breaks contact with you altogether. Until the next act of emotional, physical, or sexual violence occurs.

Your phone rings ... again.

I remember being that person, reaching out to a selective friend or two to unveil the horrors that had become my life. And then shrinking away when I decided to forgive and forget, and to maintain my marital vows. Two years after leaving my violent marriage, I became a domestic violence (DV) advocate, and witnessed first hand how stressful it was to friends and family to watch, powerless, as the person they cared about suffered.

While each abusive relationship is unique, it is typical for the process of leaving to take several attempts. “Leaving abuse isn’t a one-time event,” I used to say as a DV advocate. “It’s a process.” That process can take years to resolve.

It’s for this reason that I created a Udemy course:
How to Help When Your Friend is Being Abused
(Udemy has the world’s largest selection of video courses taught by experts in their fields.)

Designed for the empathetic friend, sister, or even supervisor of an abuse victim, the course is intended to be a tool to help stay safe and sane while making a positive difference in the life of the abused friend or relative. It’s okay to be unsure of how to support your loved one. It’s okay to get tired of hearing the same story, over and over. And it’s more than okay to learn to recognize the signs of when you need to set limits and perhaps even distance yourself from the situation.

If you don’t take care of yourself, you may find yourself saying some things that aren’t okay. Like “I’m so sick of hearing this same story, over and over. Decide already!” or “What you need to do is ___” or, “I can’t believe you’d put it with that. I would never let someone treat me like that!”

This doesn’t make you a bad person. But it does signal that it’s time to rely on reinforcements. There are professionals, domestic violence advocates, whose very job is to listen to domestic violence victims without judgment and guide the conversation to reveal dangerous or dysfunctional patterns.

Domestic violence advocates can help create a safety plan. They are invaluable for understanding local resources. And they understand it is not their job to push a victim to leave, or to advise her to stay. That important decision that comes with so many unintended consequences, must be hers.

Signs you may be suffering from compassion fatigue:

Feelings of guilt while avoiding phone calls from your loved one, knowing she will want you to listen to her current crisis.
A sense of dread when you think about seeing her, knowing the conversation will be a monologue, not a dialogue, about her being mistreated.
A clenched jaw or tightening around the neck area as you suppress the urge to say, “Would it be too much to talk about something besides your relationship? Could we talk about what’s going on with me once in a while?”

Abuse in an intimate relationship flourishes when the victim remains isolated. Knowing what to say and where to refer can make a powerful difference in interrupting the cycle of violence.

Author

Lizbeth Meredith is a Udemy instructor and author of Pieces of Me: Rescuing My Kidnapped Daughters, a memoir recently optioned for television adaptation by Cineflix. You can find her at lameredith.com

Blessings,

Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed or helped by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com

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Sometimes You Gotta Laugh at Yourself

10/30/2019

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As I finalize the revision of my divorce and recovery memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, I come across scenes that cause me to laugh at myself. I'm sharing this one with you now to let you know my story isn't all gloom and doom. I hope this little scene will amuse you too.

Scene: Doctor's office shortly after my divorce

I’m having problems with a deviated septum and see a doctor. In checking in, I notice the receptionist’s eyelashes look strange. As I’m speaking with the doctor in his office, I see photos of patients who’ve had eye lifts.

Looking younger appeals to me for several reasons.

I'm no spring chicken, and one eyelid droops a bit from the Bell’s palsy I’ve had. Looking a little younger appeals to me for several reasons. I ask him about the eye lifts, and he declares, “It’s like getting two for one. Your insurance covers the anesthesia for the septum, and while you’re under, I can do your eyes. You pay only one anesthesia cost.”

I’m guessing my ex is feeling guilty for what he’s been up to, because he agrees to pay the extra cost of the eye lift without an argument.

Because my eyes have to be bandaged for a couple of days, I stay at Mom and Dad’s. They’ve been worried for me, and I think their taking care of me is healing for all three of us. After the bandages come off, I look in the mirror and discover the eyelashes on my left eyelid are gone.

“What happened to my eyelashes?” I ask the doctor on my follow-up visit.
“I hoped you wouldn’t notice,” he says. “Your eyelid bled more than expected and I had to cauterize it, which burned off the lashes.” He points to his receptionist. “If they don’t come back, you can apply false ones like Carol’s.”

Perfect!

Blessings,

Author

Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? Or encouraged? There are hurting people who would like to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com

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Divorce Recovery Book Review: When Happily Ever After Shatters

10/24/2019

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“It was my own personal 9/11. A beautiful day, not a cloud in the sky, birds chirping, children playing—when out of nowhere disaster struck with six words uttered by my husband: “I think I’m going to leave.”

So begins Sue Birdseye’s account of the beginning of the end of her marriage in her brave book, When Happily Ever After Shatters: Seeing God in the Midst of Divorce & Single Parenting. Following her husband’s devastating announcement, Sue fights to save their marriage of seventeen years. When she finally realizes her marriage is over, she is left to pick up the pieces for herself and their five children.

My goal of this blog is to bring “Help and Healing to Divorced Christians.” That’s exactly the aim of this book, and why I want to
bring it to your attention.

The author’s honesty and devotion to God shines through in the account of her struggles to move beyond the pain of her husband’s adultery and abandonment, using scripture as a source of encouragement to herself and her readers.
I was particularly impressed by Sue’s humble confessions of failing to live up to her own worldly standards, and reassured by accounts of God’s intervention when she was clearly incapable of coping on her own. She writes, “Practically speaking, God obviously wasn’t doing my dishes for me or dealing with my sticky counters, but His presence gave me strength to face each task, whether tedious or terrifying.”
The author offers practical steps and examples of how to survive throughout each phase of her journey, from the importance of wise counsel, nurturing and guiding children, to dealing with the ex and his new wife, “the adulteress.” She doesn’t shy away from describing the temptations she must deal with, the rage she sometimes feels at the unfairness of her circumstances, her struggles to achieve forgiveness, and the challenges of parenting.
Sue writes that it was difficult to ask her friends for help, but I would like to know if she asked her kids to step up a bit. She seems to have had a large circle of supportive friends, mostly through her church. I wonder if she would have had the same support if her situation involved emotional abuse instead of infidelity.
Although I did not have children at home during my divorce, I can relate to much of Sue’s experience.

I expect if you have recently been through divorce,
you'll find her book encouraging.

Like Sue, I discovered that, through the heartbreak of divorce, I grew closer to the Lord, and my trust in Him is now secure. I understand when she concludes, “I’m much better as a healed person than I ever was as someone who was simply well.”

Blessings,

Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed or helped by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines:
Linda@LindaMKurth.com

Author

Linda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced opposing responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issue. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.

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An Abusive Marriage that Almost Killed Me

10/2/2019

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An email I recently received:
Hi. My name is Sara. I'm in a lot of emotional and physical pain. My story is a warning—I don't want other women to go through the same kind of abuse I'm now struggling to put behind me.
My problems began over 22 years ago. The man I would marry was handsome, good with the children, and for the first six months, we were close friends. I was wary of the relationship becoming more serious because I'd been divorced and wanted to focus on raising my children and not to date. But he put pressure on me. He lied, telling me he had other women interested in him, and I needed to make up my mind. I became scared I’d lose him, and agreed to date.

There were signs of odd behavior.

Even in the beginning, there were signs of odd behavior, but I just overlooked them. I was still a broken person, as I know now. Two years after our relationship began, we were married.
Things immediately began to change. He wanted control over food—if I didn’t get every drop of food out of a can I’d opened, he’d yell at me. I’m on long-term disability, but I allowed him to control all of my money, even though he didn’t share any of his benefits with me. After fourteen years of marriage and all kinds of abuse, I filed for divorce.

There was a deposition, and afterwards I was shocked when he professed his love, and said he would always love me. I forgave him and took him back. At first, everything was great, and then the crazy began again, worse than before—gaslighting, ignoring, blaming, and even refusing to bathe!
In March of this year, my husband assaulted me which resulted in blood clots in my brain. Doctors tell me I have a brain aneurysm that makes it harder for me to think and write. I’m now on blood thinners, and there is nerve damage to my right eye. I can’t drive at night and I have problems with depth perception.

I'm Scared. I'm lonely.

I’m scared, I’m lonely. Some Christians believe I should just separate and not divorce. I do have some Christian friends who have witnessed my trials, and are supportive of me divorcing.
I will get through this. God loves me and I know he wants better for me. I hope any of you out there, if you are lonely and abused like me, will call a Domestic Violence hotline. This is a trickle-down problem for the next generation. I hope this helps someone. It was nice to let this pain out. Love and hope to both men and women reading this who have suffered from abuse.
Sara

Note from Linda: I just received another email from Sara. I'm very stressed as I just received late in the day documents from husbands attorney. With lots of lies.
"Sara" is not this woman's real name. Unless asked to do otherwise, I don't reveal the writer's name. I'm glad she is receiving support through the Violence Hotline and some Christian friends. I confess my frustration, and yes, anger, with those Christians who believe God wants victims of abuse to remain in their marriages. On the contrary, the Lord wants all people to be safe and loved. I'm praying Sara find that safe and loving place. I hope you're praying too.

Blessings,

Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed or helped by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines:
Linda@LindaMKurth.com

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Thanksmas - A Blended Family Holiday Tradition

10/1/2019

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It's October, and the holidays such as Thanksgiving and Christmas are on the horizon. If you are divorced and remarried and part of a blended family, you may be wondering how you will negotiate these or other holidays this year. Have the holidays found you in a tug-of-war with competing heads of other families for your adult children's attendance like my husband and I have?

In the beginning of our marriage, my husband Bill and I often found ourselves alone, and we didn't feel good about it. At the same time, we didn't want to force our kids forced to choose which family to visit. On occasion, we did get invited to attend an in-law celebration which we gratefully accepted, but we wished to entertain our kids and grandkids in our own home, creating our own traditions.

We finally came up with a solution.

We finally came up with a solution that has worked well for us. We've created "Thanksmas," a holiday between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Before Thanksgiving we group text the kids in order to set a date all can attend. Because they often have plenty of turkey and ham in other homes during the holidays, I usually make a different main dish such as pork roast. The kids bring side dishes.

I hope the grandchildren will remember these "favorite things" as part of "Grandma's house" long after I'm gone.

One of my traditional Christmas displays

I love to decorate for Christmas, and display many of the same decorations year after year. I always have everyone's favorite candy, cookies, and a big bowl of Japanese oranges waiting for them, especially for the grandchildren. I hope they'll remember these "favorite things" as part of "Grandma's house" long after I'm gone.

Last year, we decided to try a solution for Christmas Day.

However, this still left Bill and I with nothing planned for Christmas Day. Last year, we came up with a solution for that too. We decided to hold an open house and invite everybody we could think of! That's right ... everybody! It was a spectacular success. Seventeen people dropped in, some we hadn't known well. We loved the mix of church friends, workout people, neighbors, and singles who enjoyed getting acquainted with one another. Some brought food to share. Bill and I made too much, and were happy to send some home with our guests.

I won't lie, it was a lot of work, but it turned out to be completely heartwarming. Our guests have encouraged us to make this a tradition, and we look forward to it again this year.

You might say, Bill and I made lemonade out of lemons. If you and your spouse are feeling left out during the holidays, I encourage you to be creative and make new traditions that work for you and your family.

Blessings,

Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed or helped by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com

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Crazymaking: Does He Love Me?

9/25/2019

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I felt I was playing the children’s game of plucking daisy petals, asking, “Does he love me? Does he not?” Life with my husband was so confusing.

It wasn’t until I went to my fifth or sixth counselor that I learned my husband was a “crazymaker” and what that meant. In my upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce: A Transformative Journey Through Emotional and Spiritual Abuse, I include a scene with that counselor.
“Confusion and shame is exactly what crazymakers want their victims to feel. All these things you’ve told me about Jim—saying one thing and then later, the opposite without acknowledging the difference, his lack of empathy for your physical and emotional state, trying to make you seem the bad one in the relationship, encouraging you to doubt your feelings—they convince me he’s a crazymaker,” she told me.

My counselor warned me that crazymakers are not likely to change. I didn't have the tools to try to effect that change, and, after twenty-five years, I finally left. It wasn’t until I began writing the memoir that I understood the extent of my husband’s crazymaking. Here are eight of several types of crazymaking behavior.

Crazymakers will--

try to convince their partners that they are defective in some way, making their partner more emotional, more needy or dependent.
commit to doing something when they really don’t want to do it and then finding a way out at the last minute.
force their partner to make an important decision, then blame their partner for any perceived negative outcomes as a result of that decision.
“over-tease” their partners. If their partners object, they accuse the partner of being “too sensitive.”
provoke their partner to anger, then accuse the partner of being an angry, difficult person.
change their minds, but deny they have done so.
pretend to be supportive, but then sabotage their partner.
demonstrate little concern for the partner’s physical or emotional well-being.

These are but a few of the techniques crazymakers use to gain control over their close relations. Please note that my references here are all about men, but women can be crazymakers, too. If you suspect you are dealing with a crazymaker, I suggest you get counseling with a professional who understands this personality type.

As for my question, did my husband love me? You'll have to read the memoir when it comes out.

Blessings,

Psychology Today’s article, “How to Handle a Crazymaker,” explains crazymaking and offers suggestions for dealing with this personality type. David Hawkins’ book, Dealing with the Crazymakers in Your Life, is also helpful.

Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com

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Will Divorce Make You Happy?

9/11/2019

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I needed advice. My marriage of twenty-five years was in shambles. Years of counseling had not helped us fix our problems, so I made an appointment with the women’s pastor at my new church.

“Your decision to stay or go should be based on what God wants you to do or not do. You should be asking Him what He wants from you in your marriage. If you’re leaving to escape the pain, you’ll only find more pain.”

My heart sank. This woman was half right about my motivation for wanting to leave; I was seeking to relieve the pain. Happiness was too much to ask for. I also knew she was right that I should talk with God about what He wanted me to do. The problem was, I’d been seeking God’s guidance for several years, and still I had no clear answer.

I’d stumbled along, doing the best I knew how to make my marriage work. But, despite my efforts, it continued to get worse. Nevertheless, according to this woman, if I left, I would be facing more pain rather than the relief I was seeking.

How God Views Divorce
If we believe God causes all things to work together for good to those who love Him, to those who are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28), does that mean that God will work all difficult marriages for good? Always? Is this passage calling us to endure suffering in marriage for the sake of righteousness? And if we choose to divorce despite believing that, will we miss out on God’s working for our good? More than one Christian warned me that this would be my fate.

Since I’ve written other posts on this subject, I’ll sum up my understanding here. God calls some of us to stay in difficult marriages, and others He releases from those marriages. I believe He called me to remain in my marriage for as long as I did. During that time, He worked many things for my good. I also believe He released me when the time was right.

Want my 12 Steps for a more joyful life after divorce?
Get the link here.

What the Research Says
In reading research on this subject, I learned that the answer to the happiness question varies. A report by the Institute for American Values, “Does Divorce Make People Happier?” found that divorced people are no happier than unhappy couples who choose to stay married. Pepper Schwartz, author of the book Everything You Know about Love and Sex Is Wrong, says this is a flawed study because it included separated people who are most likely to be unhappy. She says data shows that divorced people become happier when the divorce is behind them.

A study by the University of Arizona and University of Colorado Boulder, rated types of marriages to determine if women were happier after divorce. Researchers found that women in troubled marriages were much happier after they divorced compared to women who remained married. “Those in the poorest quality relationships may face a variety of negative stressors from which divorce provides a clear relief,” the authors wrote.

In an online survey of 2,000 U.S. adults by Avvo, a legal research company, 75 percent of divorced women report having no regrets over the decision to divorce. Sixty-one percent of divorced men say the same. Results of other studies vary.

I believe many factors influence the level of happiness of a marriage. Factors may include physical and emotional abuse, age of children and one’s spouse’s influence on the children, finances, fidelity or lack thereof, clashing philosophies and religious beliefs, intimacy issues, different priorities and interests, and inability to resolve conflicts.

Issues influencing happiness after divorce include care of children, finances and other assets, support from family and friends, level of education, level of religious faith and support, relationship with the ex, and state of mind to name a few.

Feeling Happier Takes Time
Be in charge of your happiness, but be patient. Take time for mourning the loss of the hopes and dreams you had for your marriage. Ask the Lord to reveal to you your part in the relationships failure. Revisit why you chose your spouse is helpful. Trying to fill the void right away with someone else rarely ends well.

The period immediately after my own divorce was painful. Learning to live on my own after twenty-five years was a huge adjustment. Then, discovering that my husband had remarried within a short time of the divorce, as if our marriage had meant nothing to him, sent me into a tailspin. But I learned to lean on the Lord, and I made the choice to be happy.

My divorce did not result in missing out on God’s blessings; He has blessed me abundantly. Leaving was the hardest decision I’ve ever made, but I’m so glad I made that choice.

For more ways to experience happiness after divorce, check out my 12 Steps for a More Joyful Life after Divorce. Click here.

Blessings,

Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com

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Letting Go Turns to Gain: A Piece of My Story

9/1/2019

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Most of us who have been through a divorce have experienced loss. My upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, includes a chapter about saying goodbye to the beautiful home my husband and I built. From almost every window of that house could be seen a dozen snow-cap mountains. But even more heartbreaking to leave than the view was the little play room under the stairs we called the Elfery. It's where the elves came to play and make magic. I'd spent many an hour making it special. Friends, young and old, came to love it as I did. I would be leaving those friends too.

Elfery Courtyard w/ hand painted ivy and welcome mat

We moved because of my husband's work, but I suspected the end of my marriage would soon follow.
The couple who bought the house said they'd use the Elfery for their two big dogs. I tried not to think of the results. In fact I tried not to look back at all.
In leaving, I had to part with many things, but I took the Elfery furnishings with me, including the fake logs in the realistic looking little fireplace, hoping someday I might have another Elfery.

As much as I hated to leave my house, and eventually my husband, I knew I had to let go. Only then would I have room for good things to follow. I now have a loving husband, a house I love (it's perfect for us), and a little "Elfery niche" for our young grand-daughter (and me, of course). But there's no fireplace for those logs.

Although I'd left the house behind and moved on, I hadn't realized I still had a bit of unfinished business concerning it. I happened to be visiting the area while on vacation recently. "Might as well see how my house is doing," I said to myself. That's when a sort of miracle occurred.

As luck or destiny would have it, the owner of the house caught me looking at her house and invited me in. She took me through the downstairs, showing me the beautiful changes made by her and previous owners. She was very interested in learning some of the history of the place, and I happily filled her in. With my heart beating, I finally asked, "Does there happen to be a little play space under the stairs?

"Oh, yes!" she replied. "Do you want to see it?" Of course I did! To my relief, there was no evidence of big dogs having ruined the space. The wallpaper, shelving, and fireplace were all in good shape, and the little room was filed with a play kitchen and other toys.

Just as I was exiting, a little boy ran down the hall, hugged his grandma, and dove into the Elfery. A little older girl followed. "They love this place!" my host told me. "Now we have a face to go with the creative force behind it."

When I returned home from vacation, I boxed up the logs and sent them back to the Elfery, thanking the woman for the tour. Today, I received this email message:
Thank you so much for the fireplace logs for the Elfery! They are in place and add such a wonderful glow to the space. We were calling it The Hobbit Room and are happy to know it’s real name. It will be the Elfery from now on. We all love it and are grateful for it’s creation.

To know my home and the Elfery are loved and well-taken care of warms my heart more than I can explain. Often times, letting go of things we've loved, blesses others, and those blessings come back to us two-fold as they have for me.

Blessings,

Author

Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? Or encouraged? There are hurting people who would like to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com

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Lessons from Home and Family

8/20/2019

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My summer vacation turned out to be more meaningful than I expected.

Feeling the need to connect in real-time with my brother, sister-in-law, and cousins, I planned a trip to my home state of Oregon with my hubby. I expected laughter, hugs, and catching up. I also thought we might do a little genealogical sleuthing.

Between admiring my brother’s new home in Central Oregon, taking a couple of hikes, sharing meals, and catching up with the news of each other’s kids, we reminisced about our childhood.

My brother and I had good parents who loved us deeply, and we’d returned that love. However, all was not harmonious between me and my dad. I had an independent spirit, and often bristled when Dad tried to tell me how I should do things. “I can do it myself!” was my ready retort. I intuitively felt his “helping” meant I wasn’t capable, but I didn't have the language to understand or articulate the problem.

Dad had difficulty dealing with my attitude.

Dad had difficulty dealing with my attitude. My brother didn’t seem to have the same issue as I, and I saw that as a sign I was deficient. I was surprised when my brother brought up the subject of Dad’s “helpfulness” during my visit. “Dad got under my skin too,” he told me. He described a particular time he’d rather heatedly asked our father to back off with his advice. Dad’s feelings were hurt because he genuinely believed he’d been helping.

I’m giving my younger self a hug and a “you-go-girl” for my desire to learn and grow in my own way.

Learning, after all these years, I was not alone in my “sensitivity” to Dad’s suggestions, was an eye-opener. I see now I’ve always had an innate sense of independence that might have served me better if I’d been taught to understand and use it effectively. Thanks to this new perspective, I’m giving my younger self a hug and a “you-go-girl” for my desire to learn and grow in my own way.

The genealogical sleuthing paid off.

The genealogical sleuthing paid off too. My cousins and I were able to find and drive through the parcel where our Oregon Trail ancestors had settled. Learning about the people I’ve come from gives me a solid feeling of belonging.

There’s more to tell, but I think I’ll stop here. I want to get back to finishing up the memoir and getting it published.

By the way, I’ve recently published the revised version of my romance, Home of the Heart. Finding the home of one’s heart is pretty much the theme of everything I write. I suspect that’s what most of us long for. I hope you’ve found yours.

Blessings,

Author

Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? Or encouraged? There are hurting people who would like to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com

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