 I almost wished my husband would have an affair. Then, it would have been okay, biblically speaking, to clearly identify what was wrong and be given permission to leave. After years of counseling, my marriage was obviously coming to an end. There had been no physical abuse and no physical unfaithfulness. Yet, I felt I had to leave to save my sanity. Our counselor refused to talk about divorce, even though she declared Satan was influencing my husband. Our counselor refused to talk about divorce. She quoted Matthew 19: 9, in which Jesus said, “I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.” I thought a great deal about “unfaithfulness” during that time. It seemed to me that neglect, put-downs, and other negative behaviors could be considered unfaithful. Recently, I read an article by Joel Cade, “Reconciling My Christian Faith and Divorce” that caused me to revisit my reasoning back then. In the article, Cade explains that, in these modern times, the focus is on being unfaithful sexually. In these modern times, the focus is on being unfaithful sexually. However, Christian marriage encompasses much more than that. “It’s about being faithful to one partner with your love, with your honor, with your comfort and keeping those emotional bonds strong only with one partner,” Cade writes. He concludes that, when people share these things with someone outside the marriage, “they are no longer keeping the covenant. They are unfaithful to the marriage covenant.” In emphasizing the sexual aspect of marriage, the kind of relationship Cade calls, “Entertainment Marriage,” we tend to pass over the bedrock of a true marriage union. If we take Cade's reasoning one step further, we can conclude that sexual unfaithfulness is only one sign of broken marriage vows. Hindsight is always best, and it would have been good if I’d had the ability to express my thinking to my counselor as cogently as Cade does, although I suspect he likely benefited from hindsight as well. If you are a Christian and going through the heartbreak of divorce, my prayer is that you may gain some insight, and maybe even comfort, from this discussion. Blessings,  Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.
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 I was naïve when I first began addressing the un-Christ-like treatment of divorced Christians within certain churches. I believed that the misinterpretation of the bible about marriage and divorce was at the root of the problem. Oh, yes, I knew there were certain churches where men treated their “sisters” as less than, but I neither understood how widespread was the problem or where it came from, hoping that the Church was evolving into a more enlightened institution. Now, on the heels of the #MeToo movement, #ChurchToo is fast becoming a much talked about and controversial subject among conservative Christians and their churches. What has come to light is a much deeper, pre-Christian attitude toward women as needing to be under the authority of men. What do I mean by “pre-Christian? John Temple Bristown, in his book, What Paul Really Said About Women (Harper, 1988) wrote, “In reality, the words that Paul chose to use imply different ideas from those conveyed by the English words we use to translate his writings. In fact, our English words imply ideas that [the apostle] Paul deliberately avoided!” How could this be? In subsequent posts, I’ll share more of Bristow’s thinking about how and why bible translators misinterpreted Paul’s words. And we’ll explore how the Church’s patriarchal attitudes have led to the egregious behaviors of too many of its leaders which are now being revealed. Blessings,  Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.  I feel a major shift coming in the treatment of women within the Christian church. I shout, "Hallelujah!" This feels like the Christian women's version of the "Me Too" movement. Women are speaking up about the Spiritual Abuse they've received in the Church, saying "Enough!" and claiming their rightful place within a church of love and grace. Last week, the Washington Post published an article: Southern Baptist leader pushes back after comments leak urging abused women to pray and avoid divorce, based on an audio tape in which Paige Patterson, currently the president of Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary and a prominent leader in the Southern Baptist Convention (SBC), urged counseling women to remain in abusive marriages. Patterson continues to believe that women should endure abuse because, if they stay and suffer, they may be able to help their husbands become better people. Thousands of Southern Baptist women responded by signing an open letter, expressing their concerns with Patterson's views toward women and marriage. Christian author Beth Moore realized it was time for her to speak up, too. She wrote a letter to her Christian brothers describing what it has been like for her to be a woman minister and speaker in the male-dominated evangelical world. She wrote, "I’m asking for your increased awareness of some of the skewed attitudes many of your sisters encounter. Many churches quick to teach submission are often slow to point out that women were also among the followers of Christ (Luke 8), that the first recorded word out of His resurrected mouth was 'woman' (John 20:15), and that same woman was the first evangelist." She continued. "I’m asking that you would simply have no tolerance for misogyny and dismissiveness toward women in your spheres of influence. I’m asking for your deliberate and clearly conveyed influence toward the imitation of Christ in His attitude and actions toward women." In a September blog post of last year, Divorce Support or Condemnation?, I wrote, "I had not intended to make my mission of exposing Pharisaical behavior in the church toward divorced Christians a gender issue. But, after a conversation with a divorced Christian friend yesterday, my eyes have been opened; I believe it often is." I mentioned an earlier guest blog post, Liberation from the Patriarchal Church, as evidence. In the writer's situation, she chose to divorce because of physical and emotional abuse. Yet, she was blamed by the church leaders and others for her husband's behavior. Somehow she hadn't been a "good Christian wife" in their eyes. Anyone with "eyes to see and ears to hear" and a knowledge of the love of Christ ought to know this kind of misogynous behavior has no place in our Lord's church. My next blog post will explore the origin of this harmful and systemic practice. Blessings,  Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.  An interview with Pastor Cliff Tadema, Christ the King - Skagit. Second in a two-part series. Linda: Cliff, in the previous post, you said, spiritual abuse is consistently using a position of authority to impose something on somebody or to exert control over them through misapplying scripture. Church hurt doesn’t necessarily involve biblical interpretation and may be only a one-time event. We discussed the following steps you laid out for dealing with church hurt. Four Steps for Dealing with Church Hurt: 1. Live a Self-Examined Life. 2. Handle The Offenses Correctly. 3. Persist In Offering Grace. 4. Fix Your Eyes On Jesus. This blog has some examples of Christians being hurt by the church. I have summarized three of them here. Perhaps you can use their experiences to describe how the steps you outlined might play out.  Linda: If she had come to you and told you of her experience with her priest, would you have advised her to follow all four steps for dealing with church hurt, or is there another process you would recommend in this situation? Cliff: I wouldn’t advise her to go through the four steps. I wouldn’t want to make law out of that process. I would advise her to go to a Christian counselor or other pastor. I would say an alcoholic husband who is abusing his wife has broken his marriage vows.  Linda: If she had come to you and told you of her experience within that church, would you have advised her to follow all four steps for dealing with church hurt, or is there another process you would recommend in this situation? Cliff: What you are describing is "Man's Church." [Man’s church is all about what it looks like and what you do to look right. It’s about conformity. Man’s church uses fear as a calling card.] There’s no biblical basis for what she experienced. That church is making its own laws. They’re as bad as the Pharisees. They’re doing it so they can feel good about themselves. She was right to leave. I’m sorry she didn’t find another family of believers that she could be a part of, because we are designed to be in a grace-filled community.  Linda: If she had come to you and told you of her experience within her church, would you have advised her to follow all four steps for dealing with church hurt, or is there another process you would recommend in this situation? Cliff: Biblical submissiveness never means you should be a doormat. Mutual submission is designed for the guy to look out for his wife. I would tell this woman to immediately separate to protect herself and her daughter. Her husband has abandoned his vow to be the kind of man he’s supposed to be for his family. Is he willing to address his problem? Will he ask for forgiveness, change his life style, and be accountable? That would be the only reason to continue with the marriage. If the pastors of these man-based churches are going to use the passages in the bible about submission, they should not forget 1 Peter 3:7-9. Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker [physically] partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers. Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate, and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessings, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing. Linda: So if husbands mistreat their wives, they miss out on being blessed! Cliff: That's right. About grace. Linda: You talk a lot about grace, so let’s conclude with that subject. Cliff: Grace requires a willingness to let go of control. It’s a very difficult way for a church to go. Sometimes church hurt happens inadvertently. But even if it’s spiritual abuse, who’s the judge? We have to trust the Holy Spirit. One thing is clear: no one has to submit to abuse within their marriage or in their church. Dear Reader, if you've found this interview interesting, I hope you'll note that in the comment section below. I'd love to dialog with you about this issue. Blessings,  Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com AuthorLinda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issue. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace. An Interview with Cliff Tadema, Pastor, *Christ the King - Skagit |
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